its so very hard to see your parents get old

[ssd]

thats it really

my mum is 84, I can't believe she's that old, but when I see her I see every year in her IYKWIM

she's very frail and infirm

I can remember when she could walk aroind with me, she doesn't do that anymore, she clings onto me and walks about 3 metres with a stick

I just wish she could be a gran to my kids, she was a great gran to my older siblings kids but she's too old to do anything with mine, also she's a different woman to the one she was 10 yrs ago

Its not fair, and I absolutely dread it happening to me

I'll have a look at crossroads care, i wonder if they operate in scotland?

Hi twentyten - good to hear your mum's move has been a positive experience - mum will now be about 10 mins away from me - but yes she is much more dependent than I thought she would be. Howevr it is early days and it has been a huge upheaval for her. She'd been in her old house 12 years and in that area for over 50 years - where she moved to when she married my dad. ssd Crossroads care do operate in Scotland - I'm in Scotland and I was told about them by a friend who works in a very sheltered complex - I googled the other day and found a local office in the town mum has moved to -planning to pop in next week.

thanks will google them

hi, I had a look,but they seem to be more about giving carers respite, thats something I dont need, my mum lives in sheltered housing with a care package, not me doing it all

I'm finding this forum better for meeting like minded folk, its easier to talk to others in the same situation rather than having to explain what you mean to friends with blank looks

its the emotional support i find helpful rather than the practical

i hope others find the agency helpful, though

readsalotgirl, let me know how you get on when you go to see them next week, maybe I'm reading it wrong....

Hi ssd - yes I know the Crossroads Care website does look like it offers respite care but I'm sure the friend who mentioned them to me said that some of the elderly residents in the complex where she works have carers from Crossroads come in to take them out for shopping or to go for coffee or even just for a chat. However I'll let you know what I find out. At the moment I'm trying to arrange practical support so that I'm not doing it all but as you say even with the practicalities taken care of it's really useful being able to speak to others in a similar situation. My dh has been amazing over the last few weeks but I don't want every conversation with him to be about my mum and I'm very conscious that my dd has just started secondary school and is going through lots of changes too. I do regret that I didn't persuade mum to move earlier - I think it would have been less traumatic for her and I think she has hidden how much she has been struggling.

hi again readsalotgirl, it does sound like you and I are in much the same situation. I found my mum was very resistant to move for a long time, way longer than necessary and I found it very hard to know when to go against her wishes and even just put her name down on the list for sheltered housing, she was dead against it but seemed to think when she did decide to move a house would be available for her straight away. In fact she did get offered a house 2 yrs ago very near me, 2 mins away in the car, perfect for me, but at the last minute she decided she wasnt going to move............eventually after much organising by me (you'll know what I mean) she has moved, but is still in her home town, about half an hours drive away and not so handy for me, but I couldnt get her to move closer, she just refused. She should really have moved 5 yrs ago, she moved 6 months ago...!

anyway I'm interested to hear about your visit to Crossroads Care, I dont know if her area is covered, they have great coverage but we are south of glasgow and it isnt very specific for here. anyway I hope they help. mum did contact a voluntary group who promised her a visitor once a fortnight that would take her out, but the visitor always had an excuse, she was a mum with young kids who had volunteered but could never fulfill her visits, eg. her kids were ill, she had a day out planned, she was on holiday, it just never happenedwhich pissed me off a bit, if people volunteer for these things they should at least follow it through once, if they're lives are too busy dont volunteer, they only let down wee wimmin like my mum who get dressed specially to go out then no ones comes........anyway, its good to talk to you and others in out situation!

our situation

ssd you are not alone. You mentioned your siblings? Are they any help? I am very grateful to have 3 siblings to talk to about my dad, who is now in a care home suffering from dementia at 92. I understand entirely the squeeze between your DCs and your parents' needs. My mum died at 58 just a couple of months after her first GC was born (my nephew), so she never knew my DCs and this STILL makes me and my sister angry.

My dad was a lot older and never really had that special GP relationship with my boys that they get from spending time with the GCs alone. I used to feel very envious of my friends and their hands on GPs! I feel guilty about my dad who is incredibly demanding but I know he's in the right place now. I lived 5 mins from him for last few years when he was declining and struggling to cope at home, he rang me all the time and I was round there a lot. It is a relief now he's there but he is not happy so I also feel terrible. My siblings now share the load much more and it is easier for me, but when I visit with my 3yo he doesn't really like it as my attention can't be all on him. This makes me sad and sometimes cross, especially as my 3yo talks about grandpa a lot and seems to like visiting.
Phew - I have let off steam! Sorry! You should NOT feel like a moaning minnie, you are in a horrible situation and you must find time for yourself like twenty says, and you must NOT feel guilty about it. Easier said than done, I know. And what you are feeling is entirely normal, I would definitely talk to your GP and get some counselling. GOOD LUCK.

thanks princesstamtam

my siblings havent a clue, or maybe they have and have chosen to leave it to me as they arent at all close to me and mum

I dont confide in them or ask their opinions anymore, in fact as they are a lot older than me they still think I'm about 12 sometimes, a bit patronising actually

anyway I'm long past the stage of actually needing them now, I did for a long time then got used to them not helping and so now I dont even consider them when it comes to mum and get annoyed at them when they tell me what mum "should be doing for herself" - how owuld they know

anyway, I dont want to get into it too much as it winds me up, its better to bury it as best i can and just get on with it

it is so so helpful having this forum to talk to others in our situation, and get a bit of hugs and "you're doing well" from others who have been there, especially important when you dont get any outside encouragement (although dh and my kids are fantastic)

..and sorry, just went on about myself a bit there....your dad is in the right place for him, you've done the best you can getting him in there.....and I know exactly the sadness you feel in your kids not having the hands on grandparents just about everyone I know has (ok maybe not everyone but it sure feels like it), this is a continual source of quiet sadness and bitterness to me, something I'm always trying to come to terms with, then I see another neighbours grandparents turning up to drive the kids somewhere else and my stomach falls all over again, what can we say, we are lucky in so many ways but very unlucky in others

It sounds like you have a lovely DH and DCs which is so important, though I understand you don't want your life with them to be entirely about your mum. My DH went through exactly this with his parents just a few years ago, so he has a real understanding of what I'm going through, although at the same time I am very aware of bringing back hard memories for him. As you say, we are so lucky and so unlucky, I guess that's the same for everyone.

I really think a counsellor could help you through this, my friend saw a lovely counsellor when she was caring for her elderly mum who had dementia. When she died I think it really helped that she'd been through a lot of the issues in her sessions. I think she found the counsellor via her GP but I will check. It really is like being bereaved when they are still alive, my aunt called me the other day in tears, saying she'd lost her brother. He was always such intelligent, informed and enjoyable company, a lovely man and good fun. Now he is scared, self obsessed and frail - I really feel for him, he has moments when he is completely aware he has 'no purpose' and is 'waiting to die' and wishes it would just happen. I am so scared of ending up like that, its so desperately sad. My advice would be as others have said up thread to enjoy the good things with your mum while you can, and try not to dwell on the future. I know its so hard and I feel for you. .

Lovely thoughts tam tam! I would echo everything- especially the value of counsellors and medication if neccesary short term. It's like putting scaffolding in place so the building can be repaired . ALL our feelings - anger ,jealousy,frustration ,grief,sadness,loneliness, regret,injustice are valid and need to find a voice- for our own lives too. This us our life, too.

Oh and by the way youthful gp's do not always equal supportive ones! When my il's were really fit and active they expressed more interest in our new shed than lovely dd.......,,, no help there!!

Ps SSD do not apologise. This is the place to goon about how you feel....

twentyten, I know

this seems to be a thing thats not often discussed in RL, unless you have a friend with elderly parents themselves

and I know what you mean about fit gp's sometimes not doing much at all, I've never seen this myself and I've never had fit gp's!! but I've seen loads of threads on here from mums who complain that the gp's are too self asbsorbed to have much to do with their kids, thats very sad as well

Hi all - back again. Just an update on Crossroads Care as I finally managed to pop in to the local office. The lady there was very helpful (especially as I was a bit emotional as was feeling very overwhelmed by it all). Mum hasn't got any care package in place so she suggested the best bet was to chase up the referral to Social work for Homecare etc and if necessary ask the GP to also refer. However Crossroads can provide carers either regularly to "top up" what social services provide or on an as and when basis. I am hopeful of getting all the care mum needs from Social work but am realistic enough to know that she may not so we may need to self-fund some "top-up" care through Crossroads. The "as and when" care provision is interesting as I have no other family in the UK that can share the load so I think I may use this if I go away on holiday. We (DH & DD and I did go away for a few days last weekwhich was lovely but it would have been good to know someone was popping in to see mum a couple of times). I think my mum really needs someone to encourage/help her prepare a proper meal each day so I think it would be worth paying for that rather than for a cleaner - I can do the cleaning but I can't go down each evening to make her tea. The lady at Crossroads did say social work use them for longer care slots - ie anything more than a 15 minute medication check and she did say she herself worked as a carer and did a regular every second day visit to help someone shower. Given all this they do seem to be more in the field of actual care provision than simply respite for carers which is what their website suggests. I would say it's definitely worth contacting them if you feel your parent needs a little more than social services are providing (if you/parent can afford to selffund that) or if you need care provision if you yourself are on holiday/ need a break. The rate was about £11 per hour which I felt wasn't bad as the cleaner is charging £10. She did also say to tell SS that I'd spoken to her

thanks for getting back readsalotgirl

This is a great thread, I didn't even know there was an Elderly Parents link!

It's really great to read I am not alone in feeling guilty about feeling tired of the amount of time and effort I am putting into visiting my 90-year-old mum with dementia. She's had it for 5+ years now, and I'm a single mum. I just feel I'm looking after everyone and wish someone would look after me sometimes!

Mind you, my son is 20 now and at university so that helps.

She's in a home and visits with travelling time take about 4 hours. A big chunk of the day.
She still knows me but has forgotten where I live. "Where are you staying?" she asks each time.

It really is the "long goodbye". Heartbreaking. She used to be so active.....

My dad died of cancer in December 2010. Was taking care of him too for a few months before he died. So I guess I'm still dealing with the bereavement of that.

hi suburbophobe, sorry you're finding it hard, it is hard isn't it

I just find it all a bit overwhelming sometimes, its good to know you're not alone - which you aren't, just post here anytime you need to

Hi suburbophobe - can only echo what ssd and others have said. I have been so grateful for the opportunity to vent on here - it's been so useful. My dh has been fantastic but I don't want to overload him and I know he's anxious about his own parents who are getting older themselves.

Would it be worth moving your mum closer to you ? My mum was 3 hours away from me and I know how exhausting the travelling is - and it's emotionally shattering too. She's now closer and seeing her is not nearly so "intense" - for her or me and although I'm doing more for her I don't have a 300 mile round trip ! As others have said one of the most important things is to look after yourself - mentally, emotionally and physically. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment when I realised I had to organise things to make my life easier vis a vis my mum - and fortunately she wasn't too resistant. You will also still be grieving for your dad - that's hard too - big hugs

Hello suburb. Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Venting on here helps- reminding eachother that we need to put ourselves first sometime.

Hello everyone. Just wanted to catch up and say hi, and that I hope you're all OK (for a given value of OK, at least). This is potentially a crappy time of year for many of us, with all the focus on happy families, and I must confess to a great feeling of relief that in a week's time, I am vanishing to the USA to stay with lovely SIL and her family (with my DH and DS, of course!)

I am due to visit my mum at the care home this coming weekend. I've not seen her for around 5 weeks as I'm in the early stages of pregnancy and I've been mega sick and exhausted. (Driving 2.5 hours with a bucket on my knees did not appeal!) The care home have warned me that her Alzheimer's has deteriorated a lot since I last saw her; apparently she's not "mobilising" (which I guess is care home speak for not getting out of bed or out of her chair), her incontinence is worse and she's becoming very paranoid/aggressive, although not violent because she's not physically strong enough. TBH I'm dreading the visit, but I do need to do it, if only to check she's still being cared for as well as I believe she is.

What news from everyone else?

hi fish, many congrats on your pregnancy! Hope your visit this weekend to see your mum is as "good" AS POSSIBLE AND NOT TOO TRAUMATIC to you (sorry for caps). Does your mum still recognise you? This must be so hard for you

I hope you have a fab time in the US, am monumentally jealous of that! As you say this is a crappy time of year when we are surrounded be happy extended families, it makes me feel even more of an outsider then usual. TBH its new years day I hate the most, here in Scotland thats a really big day to spend with your family and for us thats just depressing. I'd like to organise something fun to do but everything is shut here too.

Anyway, fish, have a great holiday, will be thinking of you this weekend, too.

Hi!! Have a great time in the states. Do what you can and don't feel guilty. All you can do is check your mum is being cared for. You can't do any more. SSd how are you doing?
Do plan a good new year even if it's a DVD fest at home?
My mum is deteriorating- but now got some s's help and kit in for her. Can't help but feel bad about going off and having a good time but I will keep at it- also got some new interesting work after a very lean time. I cannot devote all my life to my mum- I will facilitate and arrange- but even the Ot said today don't get sucked in......