The mental trauma caused by boarding

Of course.

It's obviously going to cause trauma being forced to be separated from your family.

The only time I think boarding school might be okay is when the parents are so useless it's actually the better option.

I do not include SEN kids who are at boarding school due to complex needs in this statement, that's a completely different scenario.

I know many people who have boarded, only one seems to have trauma from it (didn’t want to go, begged to come home, parents ignored his wishes) The others seem happy and would consider for their children if they haven’t already.

My DH boarded from 8 and loved it, but concedes it was very young.

If the child wants to go, the school is a good fit and the child remains happy whilst there I would be surprised at any mental trauma. As with most things, the desires and needs of the individual must be taken into account otherwise of course they’ll be unhappy.

That's just what boarding school parent say , I did it. Of course they didn't want to go. We sold it to our son, believing that we were giving him the opportunity of a lifetime. They always want to go according to parents, along with they need to be in that academic, musical, sporting environment.

I have said things of here that I would never say to anyone in real life.I agree with you it should never be a choice.

If a child wants to go to Boarding school the most likely reasons are
A. They have seen/read too much HP or similar and have no concept of the reality
B. There’s something very wrong at home and they want to leave asap
C. They know their parents want them to and don’t want to disappoint

@Hoppinggreen

My child really wants to go. We have said no, it isn’t an option we’d consider at this age. She still brings it up regularly. From your list:

A. She has read Harry Potter but also reads many other books and doesn’t seem to be clamouring for other associated things. I agree that HP will have contributed to making boarding seem fun and exciting but I can’t see it being the main reason.

B. I very much hope not. We have a happy and normal loving home, I’m not aware of any issues at all. She seems very happy.

C. We don’t want her to go now (perhaps when older) There isn’t any expectation from our side, we don’t mention it or bring it up.

If she is still keen at an older age we will explore boarding and non-boarding options. The choice will 100% be hers. If she wants to board we will trial first with flexi-boarding at her current school which is mostly day pupils, just to absolutely check that she’s happy before we commit to full boarding at a later age and next school.

I do think children can legitimately want to go. I can’t imagine all the adults I know who say they were happy with boarding are nursing hidden hurt and trauma whilst outwardly saying they’d consider sending their children if they wanted to go. Of course some people didn’t enjoy it, but as with all schools and environments.

I was very unhappy at my normal non-boarding school, a child being forced into any ill-fitting and unhappy school environment is bound to cause trauma.

I'm very sceptical of people who claim that their children "love" boarding school. When children say that they do or did, I suspect it's partly a matter of wanting to validate their parents' choice and to reassure them, and possibly also a matter of feeling very bored at home. The trouble is that going to boarding school tends to mean that boredom is self-perpetuating as it's so much more difficult to see your friends during the holidays.

I went to a boarding school. It wasn't dreadful, and probably gave me some benefits in terms of extra-curricular activities that I might not have had elsewhere. However, I still remember vividly crying myself to sleep at the beginning of term, and desperately trying to hold back the tears on returning from exeats. I also remember the thumping, near-incapacitating headaches I would get on the first full day of school each term. My children didn't go to boarding school, and I would never have contemplated putting them through that unless it was absolutely unavoidable.

I’m sorry but I just don’t see how a very happy at home child would want to leave

I think I may need to stop reading this thread, otherwise I'm just going to spend the whole of the next few weeks imagining DD weeping at every possible moment. Which may be the case, but we don't know yet. We're certainly hoping it isn't!

I think at nearly 14 she probably can legitimately want to go, for the opportunities it will give her and the time it will give her back - not because she wants to leave home! And you can be happy at home but know that the school environment isn't giving you what you need... and I think that's the case for our DD right now. I wish it wasn't.

Not all surprised by this. My grandfather never recovered. He was still talking about being left at boarding school (when he was SIX) when he was in his eighties.

Despite this, he seemed not to make the connection and in turn packed off his daughter (my mother). She hated it, too, but at least she was a bit older. It was just what people did, then.

Luckily, mum was having none of it for her kids. I can’t imagine sending off my own kids. It’s monstrous.

@Hoppinggreen

It does seem odd and might partly be the HP impact you mentioned.

I wonder if she sees it not as leaving, but as experiencing something new and fun, and she feels happy about it (in theory at least as it’s just an idea for her) because she is so happy at home?

I’m sure that’s all any parent would want for their children is for them to be happy and feel securely loved.

I’m sorry but I just don’t see how a very happy at home child would want to leave

They can be perfectly happy at home but just think boarding school looks more fun?

This is a bit like saying why would any child want to do lots of extra curricular activities or have sleepovers, if they are happy at home. An outgoing, confident, full of energy kind of child will often want as many activities and social interactions as they can - and boarding school offers more of those.

It isn’t “leaving home”. It is being away from home for stretches at a time, with plenty of time at home in between.

I personally didn’t board, wouldn’t have wanted to. But I know plenty of people who chose and enjoyed it. I find it more than a little narrow minded that you can’t see that different children might make different choices.

They hide behind the facade of providing an intellectual education, parents seem happy to keep up the facade while tutoring non stop during the holidays

That sounds like more of a problem with the specific school than with boarding per se. Like all schools, boarding schools vary.

Nope, I’m not. The point that was made was that parents who send their children to boarding schools are paying to have a comparable experience to those whose children are forcibly removed. this is transparently idiotic and offensive.
pause for a moment how such a statement might appear to a parent who’d actually had that latter experience. Or do they not count? Not all of them are bad or wicked people. Many - most even - are unable to cope despite desperately wanting to.

Jesús wept.

Children should ideally be raised by families, not institutions. They need real love, given freely on a daily basis, not simply to be managed by paid employees.

In that sense, boarding schools are very much like foster homes for the rich. Except these parents are choosing this - there's no forced removal, so what does that say about them?

Some very fevered imaginations with empathy bypasses out there.
I know people take little interest in the realities of the care system - and less in boarding schools unless it is to attack them - but this level of ignorance and stupidity is really inexcusable.

Have you been following any of the recent news stories about the uncovering of sexual abuse on a mass scale at these schools? Scotland, Australia, South Africa, England... Teachers abusing multiple generations of children, and being moved to teach at other schools if found out.

Your experience at CAMHS is hardly likely to bring you into contact with those victims is it.

One problem with boarding schools being able to perpetuate such abuse I think stems from it being a total institution, deliberately cutting kids off from the rest of the world (the lower orders you might say) and enforcing a culture that considers speaking up about abuse as "snitching" and punishes the victims accordingly.

Many of those abused children are now 40-odd year old men (at school in the 90s) describing all this to their therapists and in recently published books.

Sad Little Men by Richard Beard is a good example.

You can call me stupid, ignorant, whatever, that's not my concern.

There is a whole movement of ex-boarders speaking out now, and I have nothing but encouragement for them.

Does the first bit of your post apply to people who work long hours and use nurseries or nannies..?

It applies to all children, they all need familial love. They should not be raised in institutions like care homes, boarding schools and prisons.

You do realise boarding schools have moved on a bit since Roald Dahls 'Boy' and Thomas Hughes 'Tom Brown's School Days'? A lot of 'my grandad/mum hated it' anecdotes are decades out of date. Modern pastoral care, welfare and safeguarding protocols kind of put an end to the victorian beatings.

This thread seems to have lots of messages conveying:

”I don’t choose boarding for my children so no-one else should have that choice either”

thank goodness for liberal democracy.

It doesn’t matter how much Boarding schools have improved, in 99% of cases they are no substitute for being raised by your family.
And I know 3 generations of people traumatised by Boarding school so it’s still a thing