The mental trauma caused by boarding

On a personal level I hate the concept of boarding but I've seen it work perfectly fine for the right children. Eg a friend's child has just graduated from specialist ballet school, I think he started at 13, possibly 11. A relative's child has had an good experience overall boarding for years 12 and 13.

My dad and late husband were so screwed up by boarding for the wrong reasons at much too young an age (6 and 8 ) and I can well believe that boarding is a factor in a lot of fragile constructions coming to grief. Rarely the only factor. I think for most it is a big, big risk.

Same with my mum. I believe her issues around abandonment are partly why she stayed with my abusive father so long. Her parents meant well but had no idea of the impact across generations.

I come from a family that think boarding school is the best form of education. We are unemotional and independent and have quite distant relationships. I hated the whole experience made worse by it being a strict religious school too. I kept my DC at home and loved seeing them grow and change and yes even argue and misbehave. I am much closer to them than I am to my siblings. One of my DBs is very bitter about being sent away at 8. I don’t blame him. It’s a very high risk to trust your DC to random unknown adults. His school had a sex abuse scandal but luckily his housemaster wasn’t a paedophile!

I went to boarding school in the sixth form and was utterly miserable. On the upside, I now have a job where I try to make life better for kids experiencing difficulties in school. It feels very purposeful. I very much doubt I would be doing this job if I'd had a brilliant time in school.

This article may have been written some time ago but nothing ever changes at these schools. They still " manage ' things in the same way,
they still attract the worst kind of people.

I personally couldn't have sent my children to nursery/CM when they were small, but plenty of people do that and nobody criticises them.
I don't have any personal experience of boarding (though I have many friends and relatives who do) - I'm just idly surfing and this thread is in Active. But I had to respond to this comment.
Nobody criticises parents (well let's be honest, mothers) who use commercial childcare when their children are young? Are you kidding?! Haven't you ever read any of the WOHM vs SAHM threads on here or any other parenting site? And I can assure you that criticism is not lacking in the real world either. I would say it is one of the commonest criticisms levelled at the mothers of young children in fact."Why bother even having children if you are going to leave someone else to raise them?" is something many a working mother has been asked, possibly most.
Personally, I don't think we should shy away from criticism or negativity about our parenting decisions. I wanted to know about potential adverse effects on my children of going nursery at a young age. I wanted to be making a fully informed decision, and when I had weighed up the pros and cons and decided that the benefits exceeded the risks I still wanted to know about the possible negatives so that I could mitigate against them as best as possible.
When someone publishes evidence that is critical of our parenting decisions it isn't personal. And nor does it necessarily mean that our individual decisions are wrong in our particular circumstances. Parenting, and indeed life, is full of compromise.Things are rarely black or white. We're usually looking for whatever shade of grey seems the best and that usually involves making choices that have both negative and positive aspects. We shouldn't be afraid of acknowledging that.

I had a few boyfriends in my 20s who all went to boarding school. They were all lovely men who said they enjoyed it but definitely found it hard to talk about how they felt. I wonder if they protested too much when raving about how great it was.

From the moment the parent drove away, a child had to adjust to the fact that not only was privacy and safety no longer guaranteed – let alone the consolation of a hug – but that their parents had chosen this future.

The big mistake this book makes is the assume that children who are sent to boarding schools can somehow assume any of this before they go to school.

If hugs and privacy and love are your day to day norm, and then you are dropped at school with no warning, yes it’s going to be a shock

But in my experience, families who are set on boarding schools are already more detached than than normal on many ways. Hugs and help with homework, and someone to talk to about problems are not a given
Maybe it’s inter generational trauma of some sort, as both my parents boarded themselves. But I wasn’t ripped from a loving home and left wondering if they loved me anymore.

And it’s often not a shock or surprise, but something that has been talked about for many years as something that will happen. Certainly for me, I just assumed it was what most, if not all children did, so didn’t feel like an abandonment any more than being dropped off at day school was.

Personally, boarding gave me a lot more emotional support than I ever got at home because there were trusted adults around me all the time who would spot when something was wrong and ask about it. My house mistress knew when I had started my period months before I told my own mother, and was the only person I talked to about period pains etc…

Not all my friends had parents as cold as mine but it was definitely more common than in any other cohort I’ve been a part of later in life.

Please don't do this to yourself. You did what you thought was best, with the best of intentions. It is over now and your son has forgiven you. Please give yourself compassion and forgiveness.

My partner attended a boarding school. He really hated it and struggles to express feelings and has a massive fear of rejection.

Many are cold, emotionless places with house masters instead of loving parents. Why have children to dispatch them off to somewhere else to live.

Totally agree, @GodessOfThunder as a former boarder. It’s absolutely wicked to do that to your child

Some people do it for the social cachet alone.

This is not untypical, it's nonsense in reality of course. My son compared it to a form of Stockholm syndrome, many actually believe they have been given a great opportunity.Indeed they offen pity those less fortunate while they are spending their childhood in a cold austere environment.

It's very difficult as a parent to come to terms with sending your son to such a place. I only continue because I know how much heartbreak it would cause my son. He is an exceptional young man and has been completely open about his time at school.

I believe that these places should no longer exist in 2023.

I loved boarding from age 11 and have lots of very happy memories from my time there. I have several friends who currently have children boarding at the same school.

I wonder in hindsight whether my mother had a bout of depression. She had a road accident and was hurt and within a few months three of us were sent away at 7, 8 and 10 leaving just DSis5 at home. She followed us three years later.
DM was in bed a lot with “arthritis” and had a cleaner to look after the house.
Either we were too much for her or she was grieving at sending us away.

My DS was a weekly boarder. He came home every weekend. We FaceTimed every day and sent texts throughout the day. We are really close. Closer than I am to DD, who stayed at home, in lots of ways.

He met his closest friends and his girlfriend at school. All with the same disability - and they find solidarity and understanding in each other.

I sent him because he has a specific SEN and it was the only school that could ensure he had the right therapy every single day from professional therapists.

Saying 'if you don't want to look after your children, don't have them' is really hurtful.

I may have been the wrong thing. It may have done him damage. He seems a very happy, confident well-adjusted young man, but maybe he's hiding his pain. I don't know. I do think about it a lot. I would never have sent him had it not been for his additional needs.

He will be living at home with me now until well into his 20s, so maybe I can make it up to him.

These threads scare me.

Many are cold, emotionless places with house masters instead of loving parents. Why have children to dispatch them off to somewhere else to live.

^ I don't think that's the case at all anymore in the 3 schools my children have had experience of.

DS went in upper school a few days a week and boarded weekly in 6th form. His choice as was a specialist sports school too far from home to be a day pupil. He had the most wonderful time, mentored lots of younger children and had lovely house mistresses and masters. He's open and caring and has just landed his dream job which was offered to him during work experience part of the reason being he was very mature, articulate and responsible.

DD is boarding 2 nights a week at age 10. She loves it. There's a small group of her friends who board on the same nights, they have little parties, socialise with the older children (only up to year 9) and have fun packed evenings spending time with their peers. At home there's only myself and DH now and it means she wouldn't get home till late as she has to get a bus so she'd arrive home, chat about her day, eat and go to bed. She has far more fun and time in the evenings when boarding. We've always stressed to her that the choice is entirely hers and at any time she wants she can board less or more if she wants to. Her house mistress was her firm teacher last year and she absolutely adored her.

Their older sibling didn't board at all and out of the three of them is the most distant and least demonstrative emotionally.

It works for some children and not others depending on how independent and emotionally secure they are. It's not a one size fits all approach at all.

I assume because they've grown up and moved out, OP!

I tried to have a relationship with a pupil from a very prestigious boarding school which he hated. It was impossible as he was so so damaged emotionally. Felt so sorry for him

Bowlby’s work on attachment has only been extended and amplified. Current work in attachment has not contradicted it. Not sure why poster upthread was so confident that the book should be dismissed because of an association with Bowlby.

Mine flexi board at prep school and love it. Later they'll probably weekly board but they'll have have several years of flexi experience to see if like it. If they didn't want to later I wouldn't force them to stay. It's not for everyone.
I boarded and most of the time I loved it. Brilliant relationship with my family - then and now.
Therefore my decision to give mine the same opportunity is based on my own experience but will be always under review.
Boarding in 2023 is another world from all these horrible stories you hear - a lot of schools in the past were shocking places.

DH chose to board from 9 - could have stayed as day pupil but asked to board

that must have broken your heart @minipie. The greatest joy of my life has been raising my daughter and see her grow and flourish. The thought of her having a totally separate life is terribly sad, for both of us. You only have one childhood

Completely agree but I am not sure this board is the best place for this as it’s supposed to be an area for supporting Boarding school parents.
I know men in their 70s and 80s who are still scarred by boarding. I was a day pupil at Boarding school and saw the damage first hand too and I am still in touch with plenty of peers who are affected by boarding despite being in their 40s and 50s now. We also have a couple of younger family members who boarded so I have seen the trauma inflicted by Boarding across 3 generations now.
There are a very very small number of DC who need to board, in most cases it’s done for the convenience of the parents and as for anyone who claims their child asked to go I would suggest they consider why their child asked to leave home at an early age - it won’t be because they are completely happy there !