The mental trauma caused by boarding

Surely the point being made (I’m assuming - I’m not the one who made it, but it seems obvious to me) is that the idea of children being taken is away is most people’s worst nightmare.

Whereas, you then have some parents paying for their children to live elsewhere for a significant chunk of their childhood.

I think that the point it that it was moved out of the Boarding schools board, rather than one of the general ones.

I went to boarding at sixth form as well and I really enjoyed it! I was a bit depressed at the beginning but once I started to make more friends I had a whale of a time!

Going for a year, when you’re on the verge of heading into halls of residence anyway, is neither here nor there, really.

This happened to my friend. Only two siblings; neither wanted to be boarded and only one had to (the male).

Strangely, they don't get on as adults now. How could they when she lived at home with parents and he was packed off, feeling unwanted?

Haven’t RTFT. I didn’t go to boarding school, but my Mum did from 13-16 and said that she enjoyed it. I’m sure being older really helped, plus she understood that her Mum (a war widow) needed to find a job in the area before she could move there.

She did and Mum became a day pupil in the Sixth Form.

My DD (18) wishes she’d been able to go to boarding school. She’s very outgoing and would’ve loved it at secondary level. I even looked into it for her, but the cost was prohibitive!

And for some children their day school is traumatising. It depends on what happens in the school, doesn’t it?
the general point being made was that parents who send their children to boarding school are paying for an experience comparable to their permanent removal. Anyone who cannot understand why this is factually untrue, idiotic and offensive is beyond the reach of any reason.

In my dad’s family going to boarding school was a given.
my mum split from my dad so I didn’t go, but I desperately wanted to to get away from my mum and my home life- that says a lot.
I remember one of my cousins trying to run away the day before he was due to be sent back after the summer. I remember his great big trunk and bags waiting in the hall. It was horrible. He was so upset.
A paternal uncle sent all his kids. He went on to adopt 2 teen girls who had been in care for years in London. My uncle lived in the country .
what did he do with them? He put them in boarding school of course. Suffice to say it didn’t go well at all.

Not Boarding schools in general but a specialist music or dance school for a very talented child who has no other way to access the amount or quality of the tuition they need to follow a career in that area.
Its not about being a bit good on the piano

Re the difference between boys and girls boarding, this is not necessarily old fashioned.

There was a famous school in the news a few years back for running out of contraception on a weekend and really alarming stories of widespread under age sex. I know a lot of parents locally who send their children there and I remember a group of them chuckling and saying “well that’s why we send our boys there but would never send our girls”. Truly vile.

If you read my posts you will see that I am generally anti boarding BUT can you really see no merit at all for a small number of children to board in order to access an opportunity not offered by any other means?
While I agree that probably around 80-90% of Boarders have no need to be there a small number really do

@GodessOfThunder my dd is about to turn 14. She's chosen a specialist music school from September, where she will board. She's unlikely to end up as second violin in the Birmingham Philharmonic as she plays the bassoon and flute, but she has chosen this path herself despite her honestly quite unmusical parents.

She's at a comprehensive in London which has served her very well (and her sister) but the relentless cuts to funding and the pandemic mean that the music department has really suffered. She's having to take 11 and a half GCSEs on top of doing her music because she has to do music GCSE out of school or not at all and she is attending Saturday school for music too. We never see her!

She's tired, and tired of the thing she wants to study being relegated to a bit part in school and never being able to get her homework done because she also needs to practise and wants to socialise with friends like a normal teen. It's not some status symbol for us, I can assure you- just trying to deal with the state of arts education in ordinary schools at the moment for children like her.

DD will have to board at specialist school because I'm not uprooting her older sister for her dreams. She will be home every three weekends, and I am already dreading what it will be like while she will be away. However, she will be able to take the right number of GCSEs for her ambitions, have time to practise and have more time to see friends and do more normal activities as well. I'm hoping this will improve her mental wellbeing - she's resilient and copes well but I worry about the cracks appearig as GCSE workload ramps up.

We will be down there as often as we can. We've done as much homework as we can on the pastoral care, talked to DD a lot about anything that can go wrong, ensured we have friends down there who can pick her up immediately (even in the middle of the night if necessary) if anything arises. She is very clear that she wants to try this, but knows that she can come straight home and back to her comp if she wants to at any point.

We are hoping what we are getting back is a child who has quality time with her parents rather than just popping in when she has a space in her 'schedule'. She will have long holidays, and exeat weekends.

I don't think she will be mentally scarred...she's very independent and we are very careful with her, as we are with her sister. Rest assured, she is extremely loved.

What would you have us do? We can't afford to send her to a local independent with better music AND pay for her music. Our local schools don't hand out music scholarships and bursaries like sweeties in Year 10 just because a child suddenly becomes more interested in music and the pandemic and austerity spoils what was a perfectly good music department and stops her from being able to take the qualifications she needs.

We didn't have a crystal ball to know she would need this, but the specialist school can fund her through the Music and Dance Scheme.

Just trying to explain why someone might do this.

I have spent time as a pupil in both state and public schools. The latter was a minor public school that few people would have heard of outside of the town it was near. My folks sent me there for the last four years of my secondary education. It was not easy for them but having seen the effect that the rapidly declining local state school had on my older sister they decided to pull me out and place me at the independent school. It was night and day the difference between the two.

Not just smaller classes but well behaved ones. There was mutual respect between pupils and staff, they actually gave a shit, made classes entertaining and informative, invited you to take part in discussions. Crap behaviour was stamped on. Yes we had a whiteboard, pen and textbooks too. But we did not have to share the textbooks neither had they been vandalised. We also has very well equipped labs where all sorts of demonstrations and live experiments be carried out. Pupils struggling were given additional assistance that was not at the expense of the wider class. We had awesome sports facilities, access to outdoor pursuits. The whole school focus was tilting you towards university, instilling you with a sense of direction and confidence in your abilities, careers advice was pretty much exclusively towards professional jobs. My old school tie has opened precisely zero doors for me insofar the 'old boys network', that seemed to have completed eluded me but receiving an education in such a 'can do' environment pretty much changed my life. Most of the parents at my school were middle class types rather then from the aristocratic classes.

It is also a bit daft to lump all independent schools together when making an assessment. They all have different cultures, ethos and attitudes. Some are extremely sports focused, others are purely academic and some arts orientated.

It has to be also noted that there is rampant snobbery within the independent sector, my little local public school was pretty much lumped in with the comp schools and sneered at by those attending Eton, Harror, Winchester, Marlborough etc Those charterhouse schools also have excellent facilities, good teachers and small classes, they also are packed with the uber wealthy. Most of these folk are not really entering the jobs market as normal professionals know it. They will have mastered the art of falling upwards, their safety net is bomb proof and the connections they made at those schools serve them for life.

Yes to the rampant snobbery, hence the acronym “MPSIA” - minor public school I’m afraid !

The very obvious difference with day schools is firstly, that there is an escape at 3pm: a child being bullied doesn't have to live overnight with the bullies. And secondly, it's very much easier for the parent to keep an eye on things and deal with problems quickly.

You are, pretty obviously, reading things into the post in question that weren't there. You should perhaps consider your own reasoning processes.

And also it is after dark in the dorms that the bullies / abusers have unfettered access to their victims

I have very little understanding of the reasoning behind sending children to boarding school. Obviously, I hear the reasons people give, but it seems such a bizarre choice that I evidently don’t understand (or am choosing not to hear) the deeper motivations. I’m a lower middle class girl done well, so boarding school is a different galaxy to me.

I’m also a psychiatrist and know a shedload about relationships, safeguarding, emotional well-being, attachments and trauma. All of which are a loud ‘that’s a dreadful idea’ klaxon to me.

But what’s perhaps more interesting is that of DH, his brothers, his three best friends and his boss (Eton x4, Charterhouse, Harrow, Lancing, Marlborough), not a single one opted to send their own children away, despite all easily having the financial ability to do so. They are all decent guys, and I think that says a lot.

I feel deep shame when I read your post ,I will never come to terms with my decision.I know that there is a group people in this country ( and those who send their children from overseas) who are deaf ( and blind) when it comes to this conversation.

It's the most bizarre world when seen from the inside. My son feels pity for those who are still in these institutions.

Someone commented above about the great teachers etc and my son's ex school was mentioned, this is total nonsense. It's not unusual to have a teacher straight out of university without a teaching qualification. They like to spend as little as possible on everything teachers pay, food , upkeep of the houses, pastoral care etc etc. They hide behind the facade of providing an intellectual education, parents seem happy to keep up the facade while tutoring non stop during the holidays.

It's a toxic environment which attracts the worst kind of people. They enjoy their little bit of power within a weird world and would fail spectacularly in any other setting.

Not too much projection at all🤔

Very different sending your 7yr old (very young child) off for a term at a time into traditional pre-internet and inflexible full boarding school to

• teenagers/6th formers choosing to board
• weekly or flexiboarding so you are seeing your child with max few days gap
• modern boarding with daily communication via video/phone

I’ve got quite a few friends who boarded for secondary school in 90s/early 2000s and know young people currently choosing to board who had a great time and have good attachments to parental figures, family etc. only know two who boarded for prep school so not enough to judge.

remember the dissatisfied are usually louder than the satisfied on any issue

@minisnowballs
it sounds like you have responded to your dd’s needs and this is a highly considered decision. If others take issue, remember not all individuals are the same, we need and want and respond to different environments. You know your dd and as long as you are willing to backtrack should she not enjoy it there, it sounds like a move that could be really beneficial to her. Sending her good luck for September.