The mental trauma caused by boarding

This won't go down well OP, but I agree with you (boarding school family).

As an ex boarding school parent I also agree to you, we have to live with our poor decision. I must admit it causes me a great deal of distress. Although my son has forgiven us, we will never forgive ourselves. We never should. These schools attract the worst kind of people and we leave our children in their care ( or lack of). I am so ashamed of myself but thank you for sharing this OP.

I was facing sending my disabled child to board in September as no school wanted him. Luckily he is going to a day school but 35 miles away. What do you do if there's no real choice?

My bil is choosing to board his son in the UK but bil and his mum don't live in the UK. Everyone thinks it's wonderful.

My siblings and I went to boarding schools. As did our parents. I went at 12 first and hated it. Then I changed to a different one and loved it. There was often a warmer atmosphere than at home. I appreciate it is not for everyone but for me and many of my school friends we were very happy.

I really Do Not think my relationship with my parents would have been better if I'd gone to Day School. They were quite distant characters anyway but thought they were giving us an advantage in boarding school. I feel I gained far more than I might have missed out on by boarding.

Some families have to choose boarding, where a child’s physical or behavioural care needs can’t be met elsewhere - @DyslexicPoster you would have made the best decision for your child and made compromises where you had to. I hope the school he has got now suits him.

@saboyn ive seen your comment elsewhere this evening, it sounds like you’re really beating yourself up. Be gentle. These schools are often romantically sold as an old-fashioned option, they’re marketed to the worst part of ourselves that we want our child to succeed, without seeing them as participants in a wider family unit. Very sad and I’m sorry you’re still upset.

My dad was sent to boarding school at age 7. His mum didn't work, but his dad was a senior clergyman so funded boarding school (free to them) was on offer.

He hated it. He wrote letters begging to come home - which it later transpired his dad never saw & cried every day. On the upside, it made him a fantastic, caring & loving father who wanted to spend as much time as possible with his own children. On the downside, the hurt & betrayal stayed with him for his entire lifetime.

My dp was sending to boarding school at 9. He had no idea he was going until he was dropped off. He has huge attachment and trust issues.

@BigButtons oh my god that's absolutely awful , what terrible parents to do that to a 9 year old 😢

100% echo previous posters. Very few things can destroy a child's life as being sent at a young age, I say this as the spouse of someone who went aged 7.

That feeling of not being good enough and attachment issues are HUGE. Not just for the child (as an adult) but those around them.

In my wife's case it was the parents desire to further their careers (overseas) that was the driving force. It's also hugely impacted on my opinion of them now as grandparents.

It gets worse. The boarding school was literally down the road from his home and was taken by his nanny. He was only told he was boarding and not a day boy by his sister who was already there. He said the matron asked which children were day ones and he put up his hand. He said he saw his sister shake her head at him and that’s when he found out he wasn’t going home for a while.
it beggars belief.

@Gettinagoldtoof Thank you for being kind, I must admit I am really struggling at the most, it's nothing more than I deserve. I appreciate your kindness.x

Just for balance. DH chose to board from 9 - could have stayed as day pupil but asked to board. Not due to abusive or sub standard home life, just thought the boarders were having more fun. Boarded till 18 and enjoyed throughout.

I think the key thing is choice. Not boarding vs day but listening to your kids.

It's a) The Guardian; and b) John Bowlby. Both of which I would take with a pinch of salt.

Boarding is fine for the right child. It isn't fine for all children. I think 11 is too young (never mind younger, which I personally think is brutal - though I know that there are some good reasons for it), but 13 is not.

Bowlby used to be mentioned in discussions (not least on MN) in the early 2000s in the context of early years attachment. I personally couldn't have sent my children to nursery/CM when they were small, but plenty of people do that and nobody criticises them. Boarding school is fair game, though. That said, the most strident comments tend to be from people who went and loathed it; people who went/sent their DC and loved it; and people who have no experience at all of boarding, but hate it on completely spurious grounds.

@saboyn oh bless you, please don’t beat yourself up. Parents generally tend to do what they think is right at the time and I don’t think you are any exception. Every parent makes mistakes. Read it again - every single parent no matter how loving gets it wrong at times. Time to forgive yourself now x

Would never ever do that to my beautiful emotionally intelligent beloved kids. However there are times when the parenting is so shocking and narcissistic it’s actually way better for them to get away from it because there is no warmth there. But you have to be a psychopath for this to apply. Most of the time kids are way better home.

We all make the decisions that we think are right at the time. They sometimes turn out to be very wrong, but that doesn't make us bad people or unforgivable.

We all have to trust other people to care for our children whether they be boarding, day, state, independent - any school at all. Sometimes these individuals are indeed 'the worst kind of people'. That's a reflection on the individuals, though, not on any particular type of school.

I went to boarding school (as an only child) from 9-11 and absolutely loved every minute of it. Due to circumstances I had to go to "normal school" from then on and was gutted!

My ex went to Harrow. He was v damaged by being dropped off quite brutally at 8 and said his mother didn’t even turn around to wave goodbye from the car as they drove away.

I have a little boy now and one of the joys of life is seeing him grow, spending time with him. He’s my best friend. Another joy is collecting him from school at the end of the day. I miss him so much just being away from him during the day, I just cannot imagine wanting my child to be away from me for weeks on end! It’s such a cold, distant and bizarre way to parent.

This is a very interesting book and worth reading even if you have no personal connection to boarding schools. The conditions in some of the most elite schools in the 1960s and 70s was particularly shocking. It was no different to what I've read of orphanages - rotting food for the children, excessive physical discipline.

DP was a hoarder from 7. I think it did change him but he has no ill will towards anyone. He is a bit of a closed book discussion wise. He loves his family deeply but isn’t one to talk about feelings. Has no childhood memories either, which I find interesting, I remember everything. He pretty much remembers nothing.

*boarder

It sounds like people don't want to be parents when they send their child to boarding schools. A friend of mine sent her dd to one and she seems a shadow of herself

I went to boarding school at 16 for sixth form and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute.
Siblings went at 11 and they didn't have such a positive experience.

this was written up 8+ years ago and the "data" on attachment is from the 1960's.
so i would say this is very outdated and the boarding experience at this point in time is probably very different in many ways.
the info is really only relevant for husbands and wives who experienced this level of abandonment/treatment who themselves might find parenting challenging.