Page 5 | The mental trauma caused by boarding

GodessOfThunder · 2023-07-25T18:28:32+00:00

Very interesting book: [[https://amp.theguardian.com/books/2015/jun/08/boarding-school-syndrome-joy-schaverien-review https://amp.theguardian.com/books/2015/jun/08/boarding-school-syndrome-joy-schaverien-review]] “Attachment – the crucial establishment of trust and security through a primary carer – is the basis of modern child development psychology. Boarding schools could not have broken or redirected healthy attachment more effectively, as Schaverien illustrates. From the moment the parent drove away, a child had to adjust to the fact that not only was privacy and safety no longer guaranteed – let alone the consolation of a hug – but that their parents had chosen this future. [[http://bookshop.theguardian.com/attachment.html John Bowlby]], the psychologist famous for first coming up with attachment theory in the 1960s, described public school as part of “the time-honoured barbarism required to produce English gentlemen”

Madamecastafiore · 26/07/2023 18:04

I went to an all girls convent school the bullying was sadistic and has made me the adult I am today. I'm a people pleaser and terrified of confrontation in any form.

All my children went to co ed schools and didn't suffer the same abuse.

As I've said before it's swings and roundabouts as to whether it suits you or not but it's not all bad and the majority of kids don't come out of boarding schools in the modern age with dreadfully scared mental health due to their schooling,

LuluGuinea · 26/07/2023 18:08

AgeingDoc · 26/07/2023 15:19

I find it odd someone would not see their child day to day just so they could get to grade 8 on, say, the flute.
Don't be silly. We are not talking about averagely good kids. The type of children who go to specialist boarding schools are very talented individuals who are hoping for professional careers in their chosen field not to pass graded exams (they've probably done that before they even audition.) Teachers who can train to that level don't grow on trees and unless you are very lucky you're unlikely to find local training that's good enough, or enough similarly able children to work alongside.

That is a situation where the child has that ambition for themself and really wants to go. Not an 8 year old who is shy or easily bullied.

saboyn · 26/07/2023 18:08

LuluGuinea · 26/07/2023 17:58

Abuse from other children in the form of bullying is one of the commonest forms though and it has a high risk for developing trauma related issues. But then again you will get it in any school.

Regarding sexual abuse, well many of us had encounters with flashers as children or teenagers, dirty old men who groped so I guess it is endemic everywhere.

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Sexual abuse by other boys will also be covered up at all costs.

LuluGuinea · 26/07/2023 18:17

saboyn · 26/07/2023 18:08

Sexual abuse by other boys will also be covered up at all costs.

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Sadly this is v true. And if not covered up, then minimised to death.

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 26/07/2023 18:24

These threads are always the same, two siloed groups offering polar opposite anecdotes.

Group 1: I went to boarding school and it was amazing.

Group 2: Boarding schools are basically chid abuse and should be banned.

Louloulouenna · 26/07/2023 18:31

Well both can obviously be true.

BoardingSchoolMater · 26/07/2023 18:36

I do think people who are root and branch opposed to boarding school are doing a great injustice to the fantastic staff, who become additional 'important adults' in the pupils' lives. My children who are no longer at school are still very much in touch with their housemasters/mistresses. They certainly don't regard these as people who brutalised or traumatised them. The friends they made at school are friends for life. There was bullying at all of their schools - but there was also really vile bullying at the girls' day school one of my DC attended for a while.

I think people who don't currently have children at boarding schools have a very one-dimensional view of it. I personally wouldn't have sent any of my DC to Radley, say, for the sole reason that it's where "all the men in my family go". But if I'd thought Radley was the best fit for one of my DC, that's what I would have chosen (I didn't, as it happens). One school (Gordonstoun) was ruled out as my ex husband went there and hated it, though I am sure that's different now, too.

So part of it is, as with any school, choosing a school that you think will suit the individual young person. Another part of it is making it clear to them that if they give it a go and don't like it, they don't have to stay. Another part of it is making it clear that they don't have to board at all if they don't want to. One of my DC didn't board until the sixth form (and absolutely loved it then). I think we have moved on from the days when young children were wrenched away from the nest willy-nilly.

In terms of closeness, I haven't observed any difference between the parent/child relationships of families whose children board and those whose children attend day schools. If you are a warm, loving, engaged, talkative, emotionally intelligent family, then boarding/day makes no discernible difference. My dad went to boarding school in the 60s and is a lovely, kind, funny, well balanced man - far from the repressed, cold, emotionally illiterate cliche.

However, I very strongly believe that this kind of bonding happens above all in the early years - hence I was a SAHM. I was particularly keen for them not to go to nursery - I suspect one reason that the research into nurseries on child development is not more widely publicised is that it doesn't fit with the government agenda of promoting mass childcare to get as many women into work as possible. I wouldn't have sent any of my DC to boarding school at 8, either (although I think there are can be very good reasons to do this - choir schools). Once you've got that secure bond, though, sending an enthusiastic teenager to a school which suits them and enables them to do all the things they want to do can not really be a bad thing.

Lairig · 26/07/2023 18:39

loopylou3030 · 26/07/2023 12:17

I went when I was 8 even though my mother didnt work and only lived 20 minutes up the road. I ran after her car once crying and she carried on driving. Absolutely disgraceful, she regrets it now of course and in hindsight wouldnt have done up but the damage is done. Imagine only seeing your parents on the weekend at that age. My son is 8bat Christmas and the thought of him living with strangers is mind blowing.

I went to a boarding school in the 70s. For a long time I didn't look back but when I did I simply couldn't understand how that world was allowed to exist. The only people who can imagine it are those who have been in Remand or Prison. I still talk to my parents but see them as people who turned their back on me; my childhood ended at 10. I would never send my dc to a boarding school, never, not under any circumstances. I can't abide the apologists on here and elsewhere, those saying times have changed. You are placing your own flesh and blood, who you held when they were born, in the hands of people some of whom will hate them for the duration of their formative years.

Original poster

GodessOfThunder · 26/07/2023 19:52

BoardingSchoolMater · 26/07/2023 18:36

I do think people who are root and branch opposed to boarding school are doing a great injustice to the fantastic staff, who become additional 'important adults' in the pupils' lives. My children who are no longer at school are still very much in touch with their housemasters/mistresses. They certainly don't regard these as people who brutalised or traumatised them. The friends they made at school are friends for life. There was bullying at all of their schools - but there was also really vile bullying at the girls' day school one of my DC attended for a while.

I think people who don't currently have children at boarding schools have a very one-dimensional view of it. I personally wouldn't have sent any of my DC to Radley, say, for the sole reason that it's where "all the men in my family go". But if I'd thought Radley was the best fit for one of my DC, that's what I would have chosen (I didn't, as it happens). One school (Gordonstoun) was ruled out as my ex husband went there and hated it, though I am sure that's different now, too.

So part of it is, as with any school, choosing a school that you think will suit the individual young person. Another part of it is making it clear to them that if they give it a go and don't like it, they don't have to stay. Another part of it is making it clear that they don't have to board at all if they don't want to. One of my DC didn't board until the sixth form (and absolutely loved it then). I think we have moved on from the days when young children were wrenched away from the nest willy-nilly.

In terms of closeness, I haven't observed any difference between the parent/child relationships of families whose children board and those whose children attend day schools. If you are a warm, loving, engaged, talkative, emotionally intelligent family, then boarding/day makes no discernible difference. My dad went to boarding school in the 60s and is a lovely, kind, funny, well balanced man - far from the repressed, cold, emotionally illiterate cliche.

However, I very strongly believe that this kind of bonding happens above all in the early years - hence I was a SAHM. I was particularly keen for them not to go to nursery - I suspect one reason that the research into nurseries on child development is not more widely publicised is that it doesn't fit with the government agenda of promoting mass childcare to get as many women into work as possible. I wouldn't have sent any of my DC to boarding school at 8, either (although I think there are can be very good reasons to do this - choir schools). Once you've got that secure bond, though, sending an enthusiastic teenager to a school which suits them and enables them to do all the things they want to do can not really be a bad thing.

Surely most children can do all if not most of the things they “want” to do without spending most of their time living outside the family home.

OP posts:

BlushBlue · 26/07/2023 19:57

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 26/07/2023 18:24

These threads are always the same, two siloed groups offering polar opposite anecdotes.

Group 1: I went to boarding school and it was amazing.

Group 2: Boarding schools are basically chid abuse and should be banned.

Absolute rubbish. Read the thread.

BlushBlue · 26/07/2023 19:58

Quite a few people saying 'ex DH went to x'. I'd be interested in marriage breakdown statistics.

NancyJoan · 26/07/2023 20:06

I went just after I turned 7. Nowhere ever felt like home again.

I struggle a lot with letting people in; having to be resilient all the time is not normal when you are a small child, but if it becomes a habit I do think you end up with a very tough outer shell.

BatShitCrazyGran · 26/07/2023 20:18

Many years ago,I used to be a matron at a girls boarding school. They had children from all over the world,from the age of four. Some children didnt even get to go home once a year,it was so sad. The girls clung to us matrons, we were their substitute mothers,and they believed in us and trusted us implicitly. It was a very sad state of affairs,them only seeing their parents once a year in the main. The odd few went home more regularly. I dont think I could have sent my daughter to boarding school,not after seeing how the girls struggled to.cope..

CrazyArmadilloLady · 26/07/2023 20:29

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 26/07/2023 18:24

These threads are always the same, two siloed groups offering polar opposite anecdotes.

Group 1: I went to boarding school and it was amazing.

Group 2: Boarding schools are basically chid abuse and should be banned.

You could equally create another two groups:

I went to boarding school and hated it.

I sent my kids to boarding school (and don’t have any direct experience myself) and they love it.

And again: both can actually be true.

BoardingSchoolMater · 26/07/2023 20:31

@GodessOfThunder The thing is... if you have your blinkers on so firmly, you will never be able to see that for some children, boarding school is a good, positive, life-enhancing experience. We'll have to agree to disagree.

Hoppinggreen · 26/07/2023 20:36

BoardingSchoolMater · 26/07/2023 20:31

@GodessOfThunder The thing is... if you have your blinkers on so firmly, you will never be able to see that for some children, boarding school is a good, positive, life-enhancing experience. We'll have to agree to disagree.

For DC who’s home situations are difficult and Boarding is safer both mentally and/or physically then I can see why Parents and children might choose it.
Also, kids who need specialist help or have a talent that can’t be encouraged properly other than in a school designed for it.
Other than that there is no need or justification for Boarding school.

Louloulouenna · 26/07/2023 20:52

I don’t think many people would say that boarding school can never be a good thing for children but imo there is a distinct lack of acknowledgment just how damaging it is for some children. I’m not talking about boarding schools in the past, I mean now.

Original poster

GodessOfThunder · 26/07/2023 21:00

Hoppinggreen · 26/07/2023 20:36

For DC who’s home situations are difficult and Boarding is safer both mentally and/or physically then I can see why Parents and children might choose it.
Also, kids who need specialist help or have a talent that can’t be encouraged properly other than in a school designed for it.
Other than that there is no need or justification for Boarding school.

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Indeed. I can see its role as a very expensive children’s home in rare circumstances where staying with parents would be even more damaging. I struggle with it as some sort of hothouse for child-savants though. Is there ever a net benefit to the child, of, say, becoming an oboe ace, at the expense of living without their parents? I find it hard to imagine.

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Madamecastafiore · 26/07/2023 21:38

It just shows that you've absolutely no idea about private education by throwing out quips about musical instruments.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 26/07/2023 21:39

Madamecastafiore · 26/07/2023 21:38

It just shows that you've absolutely no idea about private education by throwing out quips about musical instruments.

You can get the private education without boarding though.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 26/07/2023 21:43

Twyford · 26/07/2023 17:26

I read something the other day when it was pointed out that most people are desperate not to have their children taken away and put into care, yet the rich actively seek it out and pay a fortune for it. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but even recognising that some parents have no choice for the reasons identified on this thread, it has the ring of truth for those who opt for boarding voluntarily.

It’s a hotly contested category but this might be the maddest thing I have read on MN.
if you think sending a child to boarding school is remotely comparable to having them removed from you permanently I can only suggest you hear from some parents to whom this has happened. A stupid, offensive comparison.

Original poster

GodessOfThunder · 26/07/2023 21:54

Madamecastafiore · 26/07/2023 21:38

It just shows that you've absolutely no idea about private education by throwing out quips about musical instruments.

I was merely referencing those upthread who suggested children with a particular talent for music were well served by boarding schools.

Which makes no sense to me at all.

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Original poster

GodessOfThunder · 26/07/2023 21:57

AgathaSpencerGregson · 26/07/2023 21:43

It’s a hotly contested category but this might be the maddest thing I have read on MN.
if you think sending a child to boarding school is remotely comparable to having them removed from you permanently I can only suggest you hear from some parents to whom this has happened. A stupid, offensive comparison.

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It’s not remotely mad. Large amounts of money allow wealthy people to engage in all sorts of damaging activities not accessible to those less well off. It’s just that wealth and power sadly all to often prevent them them from being properly held to account.

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AgathaSpencerGregson · 26/07/2023 22:00

GodessOfThunder · 26/07/2023 21:57

It’s not remotely mad. Large amounts of money allow wealthy people to engage in all sorts of damaging activities not accessible to those less well off. It’s just that wealth and power sadly all to often prevent them them from being properly held to account.

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so what? How does that make sending a child to boarding school like having them removed from you permanently? How are those experiences remotely comparable? Can you not grasp how offensive and insulting such a comparison might be to a parent who has actually had their child removed?

Madamecastafiore · 26/07/2023 22:04

Why would you need to hold to account those with perfectly well adjusted children who have actually been through the boarding school system? What would you hold me to account over given that neither of my children are damaged in the slightest by their experience at boarding school?

You seem absolutely clueless about the whole private school system.