The mental trauma caused by boarding

GodessofThunder they do, one has always lived here but was at school Sunday night until Friday lunchtime, one lives here but will stay at school 2 nights a week (excluding school holidays and exeats) and one moved away for uni and based their life where they went to uni.

Not abnormal for their friendship groups at all.

I don't think the poster means her husband went to boarding school during their marriage. 😉

The middle child does live at home still but is home after the youngest gets home from school so it's just myself and their father here when the youngest gets home each night.

Please don’t tar all boarding school staff with the same brush just because you made a poor decision.

Boarding school isn’t right for lots of children, and no child should ever be made to go to boarding school when they don’t want to. But you’re being ridiculous.

That's unkind.
I have no skin in the game as none of my children ever boarded but I know there are many and varied reasons why people choose this option and to write them all off as uncaring parents is completely unfair.
If you have a child with a particular talent eg music, dance, some sports and so on, then depending on where you live boarding may be the best or only practical way to nurture those abilities. Some children have additional needs which can best be met in a residential setting. It's the norm for children in some rural areas to board at least weekly as there simply isn't a secondary school within commuting distance. And I am sure there are many other reasons.I have a friend who is currently going through a particularly acrimonious divorce who feels her teenager is best away from the home environment at present. Whether that is actually true or not I don't know, I have my doubts in fact, but I do know that my friend has made the decision for boarding in what she genuinely believes is the best interest of her child and not because she can't be bothered to parent.
I am sure there are some "bad" parents who send their children to board, just as there are plenty of examples of poor parenting in other educational settings, but it's ridiculous to suggest that boarding parents are a homogenous group who don't want to parent their children. I imagine it must be a very difficult decision for many. None of my children have ever wanted to board despite having interests that would be well served in specialist schools and I have to say I am very relieved that I never had to make that decision.

We sent one son out of our 6 sons to board at 6th form . It has been a disaster to ourselves. He is now estranged from us . From something we did supposedly for his benefit he saw a different lifestyle and rejected ours . We were both teachers so obviously comfortable but not well off .His dad had a stroke while he was away which he has never really accepted . He has a good job and is very successful and we are pleased about that obviously but at a huge loss to ourselves.

I grew up in a wealthy Home Counties village and while we went to the local state school I babysat a lot of children who went to private school and some who went to boarding school (I looked after them in the summer hols for cash while I was at college).
One particular family I found it bizarre as the mum didn’t work and there were 2 good private schools 20 minutes or so from us. I’m friends with the (now grown up) kids on Facebook and two of them have very severe, to the point of barely being able to work, mental health issues and the other has struggled publicly with drug problems. Obviously an incredibly small sample but growing up around private school kids a lot of them had drug issues, many have gone on to do well a lot of nepotism but they seem to run in such small circles socialising exclusively with their private school buddies. It just seems sad- I’m endlessly grateful we went to a bog standard comp and are doing well despite this!

Name-changed for this. DH boarded from 13-18 at one of the top public schools in the country and absolutely loathed it. He was viciously bullied and it left him with lasting mental health problems including OCD. At least with bullying at a day school you can get away from it some of the time.

I love my MIL but I will never understand her decision to send her kids away. If you ask her now she will say she thought she was doing the right thing by providing the best education, but I’d rather my own kids leave school with no qualifications than go through what DH did.

Similar to @minipie, my DH boarded from a young age (circumstances at home meant that his parents chose it for him) but, on the whole, he loved it and had a much happier time than if he'd gone to a local school and stayed at home in term time. 25 years on, he seems in no way traumatised and is very open about his emotions. We wouldn't choose it for our own kids but the broad brush view that all boarding is hugely damaging is not true. Some of the posters here beating themselves up about a decision that was made for the right reasons at the time is pointless imho.

As an aside, an ex teaching colleague/friend is now a Head of Boarding in a prep to senior school in the UK. He and his family would be amazing at it and I would trust my children to their care if I needed to. Needed, not chose to!

I went when I was 8 even though my mother didnt work and only lived 20 minutes up the road. I ran after her car once crying and she carried on driving. Absolutely disgraceful, she regrets it now of course and in hindsight wouldnt have done up but the damage is done. Imagine only seeing your parents on the weekend at that age. My son is 8bat Christmas and the thought of him living with strangers is mind blowing.

Dp boarded, he liked it, but he didn't go until 12. I think there's a huge difference between boarding a reluctant 7 year old and an 11 year old who want to actually go . Plus remember many kids board for specific reasons eg additional needs, parents in forces, specialist school eg music, ballet. We turned down a place at music school when dd was 10

And remember the parents who choose to send young children (usually boys) to board may not be the most "attached" parents ti start with, dp's dm certainly isn't, they had a nanny too

Anywhere where children are without their parents, predators do all they can to access them. Children are not safe away from their parents. This has been proven time and time over since times began.

Harrow school has never taken boys aged 8! The youngest boys are aged 13yrs old, that's where the school begins same as Eton.

My husband was a day boy at a public school 50 ish years ago. His friends from that time who were boarders have all struggled with relationships one way or another.

Yes! Agree with this. I wanted to board at secondary age. Difficult home life. And I had read the Trebizon books, Kingscote books (Antonia Forest) and Enid Blyton and I thought it sounded fun. I never did go, but looking back , I was bullied at my day school (not as bad as I was at primary; that was horrific) and I think I would have been bullied at boarding school too. I wasn't a sporty, popular Darrell Rivers/Rebecca Mason type at all.

Sexual abuse was a huge risk in boy's public schools. I like to things are better now but I'm not so sure...

Most childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by family members so I'm afraid that's a load of codswallop.

Presumably the 8 year old went to a feeder boarding prep for Harrow and moved to Harrow at 13.

I wonder if you counted up the absolute number of hours that parents plus family members spend with all children, versus the number of hours all staff at residential schools spend with children, and then divide those numbers by the number of incidents of CSA perpetrated, what the incidence would look like then.

My eldest boarded from 8 up, scholarship funding. As people at the societies bottom pile, we thought we were helping him to get the best education, certainly was good and a leg up so he wouldn't be eating mashed potatoes and gravy as dinner because we couldn't afford much else. Would I do it again? He has MH problems as an adult, No, I wouldn't, BUT I do believe those who develop MH problems would develop problems regardless. I think he was predisposed to it (depression etc is widespread in the family)
Look at the numbers of kids with issues who are in state schools. CAHMs is overwhelmed. It's not boarders on their lists. It just is triggered and manifests itself in some boarders whereas in other areas in other DC.
DS would have loved his DS to go to his prep school, not the senior school, though.
I also believe that in the future, there will be studies into damage from babies/ toddlers in nurseries.
The same argument of 'it's a necessity' is used by parents of boarders and children in nurseries. All are choices.

I will also add that boarding in an era when boarders have a mobile phone and can call home every day, and weekly boarding is common, is surely far different from the old days when there was no contact for weeks on end.

The comedian Marcus Brigstock says that you can't understand senior Tories until you realise that most of them has their hearts broken at the age of 8.

As a young woman I briefly dated a man who turned out to have a multiple personality disorder. He claimed it was induced by boarding school, to which he was sent aged 14, to join a class of 16 year olds. He was told it was a great opportunity to get ahead and get to university two years earlier than everyone else, but the abandonment clearly damaged him. His younger brother was allowed to remain at home and be a day pupil at a local school.

I didn’t date him for very long, but it was apparent that he had created a second personality to “protect” his original self. A personality who was tough and harsh, who could cope with the situation, and with his ongoing fear of abandonment. It was very worrying and upsetting to be confronted with this. I don’t know if he was ever formally diagnosed or got help. So yes, I do think boarding school is damaging.

I still have nightmares about mine, I hated it and it gave me depression and anxiety. It also put a real strain on my relationship with my mother, since she was the one who insisted I go. My mother is very avoidant and didn’t want the bother of my brother and I and kept my younger sister at home.

Well yes, it's pretty fucking obvious that if a child has abusive parents they will perpetrate the abuse isn't it?
Please tell me of JUST ONE situation where children have been separated from parents and there has NOT been an abuse scandal.