DD Miserable at Oxford Uni

[MyPearlPoster]

So DD is in her first year studying history at Oxford. She has come from a very prestigious secondary in London, where she thrived and had lots of amazing close friends, some of whom are at Oxford now too. From the start she has found it all really challenging socially, calling or messaging in tears that she hasn't found her people and feels alone in her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'. Spending time with friends from home there helps, but she says everyone seems to have a core friend group within their college, where they've all found likeminded people to eat/hang out/study with - I think she feels somewhat like the odd one out for being lonely in hers. It doesn't help that her friends at other unis, many in the US, are having the time of their lives, calling with exciting stories and posting pictures of new friends - she really feels as though she is majorly falling behind. I have told her multiple times that it takes time and that she would regret leaving Oxford but it also kills me to see her so unhappy. Academically she is doing pretty well, but not thriving perhaps as she used to, and finding it difficult to concentrate and focus because of constant anxiety etc. She is speaking to a therapist and taking a low dosage of anxiety meds which have been recommended. I think part of it is the lack of structure of it all - she was used to having a big but very tight group of supportive friends who she felt very at home with, and as a family we are all very close too. With her humanities course she hardly has any contact hours and all people in her college seem to do is study...she keeps saying it's not that Oxford is wrong for her but her college specifically but there seems no chance of moving...I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network. Apart from this, she was never particularly sporty or into music and other than those activities everyone's social lives do seem to revolve around their colleges...she makes an effort with friends of friends etc but feels afloat generally and is often lonely.

I have come across people who could bore me senseless droning on about their DFE /Gap year /whatever... And others who could absolutely hold me spellbound talking about maths or something other seemingly dry subject

Doing things "to be interesting" is really not to route to bring an interesting person

@Whyarentyoureadyyet I think that's a weird simplification of how getting involved with things often helps people find meaning, connection and become more engaging company. It really does takes time and practice to be able to hold people spellbound about something unfamiliar.

Often the people who seem like great conversationalists have been raised in families with a very strong conversational culture.

It might be that school friendships where everyone seemed interesting for 'who they were' actually traded on shared history, gentle gossip, mutual support, shared subjects. But that isn't always currency that transfers to a new context. It's not easy to develop 'shared history' within a few weeks!

And sometimes it's just not clear who your 'like minds' are - rather than them not existing at all. At least if you're spending time with people, doing something, you are more likely to find them.

Joining stuff also gives you opportunities to try out different modes of engagement - being the gregarious one, or the observant witty one, or the quiet but thoughtful one in a community - while you figure out what mode gives you energy. Eventually, learning what works for you helps you be more securely yourself.

I don't disagree
I just find the binary proposed by @MeetMeOnTheCorner is a gross over simplification so I was responding to that

Some of the most interesting witty people I know have had very limited lives due financial limitations or physical disabilities

Personally I love trying new things and enjoyed a range of extra curriculars, but I did them because I enjoyed them and not as a box ticking exercise to get into university etc

Well, it wouldn't help you in most of the British system! The US system is different I gather.

But having the capacity to join things and keep busy can help with managing the transition to university life, once you get there.

I don’t know anyone interesting who just talks about academics. I’ve never been held spellbound by maths either. Maybe that’s just me, but in the context of finding friends at university, finding easy going people who aren’t just mad about their subject is key. I agree, it’s often by trying new clubs and hobbies but I know young people who have found these closed off and not welcoming,

We can all think of academic types who can bore for England, but they aren’t great friendship material if you just want mates to go out with. I suspect the ops DD just wants ordinary friends.

Thank you everyone for your advice. She has had a few better weeks I think, but her birthday is on Thursday and she is now feeling quite anxious/unstable again about it all - she's never Loved her birthday anyways as always around exam season etc - which is the same this year - but has organised a pub trip on the actual day and then will come home on the weekend. She is now saying though that spending the day in Oxford will make her more anxious and stressed and she is unsure whether to cancel the pub thing or not as some can't go, especially her two closest girlfriends within college so she worries the whole thing will make her sadder rather than fun? Reminder as well to please stay kind - I know this may seem helicoptery of me but I am not usually like this and all is coming from a place of care and worry about my normally very chill, happy girl!!

Glad to hear that she's had a better few weeks.

I would try to be open to the idea that the issue isn't that she's at the wrong college or that everyone at her college is unfriendly. A lot of students suffer from anxiety, at a range of universities. I think it's probably tempting to see it as an Oxford thing, or a college thing, because that's where she is experiencing it and she was ok before she went, but a proportion of students at all universities will experience MH issues at uni for the first time, simply because it's such a change and there is so much less structure than at school (although collegiate universities generally have more structure than most).

It might be more productive to think first and foremost that she has an anxiety disorder, and then make sure she has the best support she can with that- that includes making use of the uni and college resources and ensuring that her tutor is aware. Is she in regular touch with her GP in relation to her anxiety meds and are they helping? Has she discussed other options? How good is her therapist? (People use the term "therapist" to cover a wide range- I would be looking for an experienced psychologist with a background in anxiety disorders.)

Posting about this as an Oxford issue inevitably brings out responses from people with views about Oxford (positive and negative). I suspect if you hadn't mentioned the uni by name people would have responded more to the fact that she has an anxiety disorder which is affecting her life to the extent that she finds ordinary socialising stressful and difficult.

I think your D was at a highly pressurised school and those girls often find the adjustment to university (any university) difficult, partly as they are surprised to find themselves surrounded by very clever students. It can be a shock to the system.

Term ends very soon - does your D have a job to occupy her mind this summer?

This is a very sensible and humane post.

That’s rather the opposite of the case: anyone at a pressurised highly academic school, whether state or private, is used being surrounded by very clever students. It doesn’t sound like that is the issue here.

I think the pp is right to emphasise the impact of an anxiety disorder.

I have to say I have empathy for your daughter, OP. I went to Leeds, and honestly, did not make one friend at any of the clubs and socs I joined. Everyone already knew each other and the newbies came in groups apart from me. My flat and course mates did not share the same interests. However, I did make great friends with my flatmates and others in my block and have a lifelong friend from my course. We still meet regularly to this day, and we graduated in 1997/

Thanks. I actually said ‘highly pressurised’ and I think the effects of that take a while to wear off. Some friends were there (if it’s the place I’m thinking of). Good luck OP as you support and stabilise your D. Second year will
be different.

And I said “pressurised highly academic”… if it’s the one I’m thinking of I went there myself..

Ahha! Interesting. We should talk!

This
I don’t think it’s necessarily an Oxford University issue
Many people ( including myself ) had a terrible time in the first year at university .
DD2 was really miserable in her first year and suffered from mild depression/ anxiety .This was the same dd who had been confident , outgoing , very academic in sixth form
.It wasn’t until she reached the second year that she met her people and then began to flourish
.

I agree with this, and if it is the obvious one that everyone is thinking of then I went there too, and so did my daughter. Though I don't really recognise the 'highly pressurised' description from my personal experience, it's certainly the image people have of the place. I can only say that almost every single person in my year was capable of doing well at Oxbridge or any competitive university without any pressurising, so being surrounded by very intelligent people will have come as no surprise to OP's daughter.

I think many dc put a huge amount of pressure on themselves. To do well academically and to make friends. The work is intense because the terms are short and some dc don’t surface much. Others who want a more rounded life can be in a minority. Times have changed and who is there has changed too. 20% Sen for a start.

Are there actually more Oxford students with SEN now though? It may be just that they're more likely to be diagnosed than in the past.

It's certainly true that Oxford has short, intense terms though, but I get the impression most students pack a lot in as well as academics.

Can you help her to reframe her birthday as a timing issue, not a lack of friends issue? She's organised a pub trip which is great, and she's obviously got friends, as there are people who are coming, as well as those that she's upset can't make it. The problem is just that it's the time of year that everyone is hunkering down for exams and the pressure builds.

If she can hang on/defer some celebrations until 9th Week she'll be able to have fun with everyone - maybe try to plan some 9th week activities for post exams like punting/a walk out to The Perch or The Trout. And she won't have this problem again because next year there are no exams, and in 3rd year history is one of the first subjects to finish Finals, and then she gets 3 glorious carefree weeks.

I understand part of her issue is a general anxiety thing that, you’re right, probably would have happened anywhere. I do think though it’s worth acknowledging that sometimes people end up in the wrong environment for them - environment in this case being a rather small set of just over 100 people among whom she does not feel much like herself and who don’t make much of an effort. I do think, and trust me I’ve spoken extensively about it with her, that had she ended up at a different college from day 1 she would have been okay - maybe parts of her anxiety would have flared up sure, but generally speaking. This is why it’s a bit of a shame that she feels sort of trapped and limited as at the moment from what she and other children I know at ox say, most of the socialising is within college (obvs will continue to encourage extracurricular stuff) but building resilience about it all is the main thing I suppose

Suppose she could use this as an opportunity to do a bit of surveillance and check around the other colleges to see what they are like and see if she can fit in there - as opposed to just sticking within your own clique like the others are doing. That way, she could get the full Oxford benefit in a way, unlike others. Admittedly this may be hard to do if all the other folk are in cliques.

OP have you told your daughter about this thread, or shown it to her?

@Earwigoagain My local grammar has 3.9% who are supported with sen and 2 dc out of 1358 have a EHCP. The Oxford figure is very high.

I suspect Oxford has always been that way though, just without the diagnoses!

Oh 100%

When I was at Oxford 20 years ago not one of my friends had a diagnosis. 20 years on, I struggle to think of any of my university friends who don't.

There is something odd about your local grammar school, @MeetMeOnTheCorner, as that is a low percentage even for a grammar school. I think you also need to delve more deeply into the university statistics for them to be meaningful. For example, whilst the Oxford 20% figure sounds high in isolation, that is in fact the average for UK universities, with many universities having much higher percentages, despite the fact that Oxford’s punishing exam system makes it very much in a student's interests to declare any possible SEN or disability that could earn them extra time or other accommodations while studying there.