DD Miserable at Oxford Uni

[MyPearlPoster]

So DD is in her first year studying history at Oxford. She has come from a very prestigious secondary in London, where she thrived and had lots of amazing close friends, some of whom are at Oxford now too. From the start she has found it all really challenging socially, calling or messaging in tears that she hasn't found her people and feels alone in her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'. Spending time with friends from home there helps, but she says everyone seems to have a core friend group within their college, where they've all found likeminded people to eat/hang out/study with - I think she feels somewhat like the odd one out for being lonely in hers. It doesn't help that her friends at other unis, many in the US, are having the time of their lives, calling with exciting stories and posting pictures of new friends - she really feels as though she is majorly falling behind. I have told her multiple times that it takes time and that she would regret leaving Oxford but it also kills me to see her so unhappy. Academically she is doing pretty well, but not thriving perhaps as she used to, and finding it difficult to concentrate and focus because of constant anxiety etc. She is speaking to a therapist and taking a low dosage of anxiety meds which have been recommended. I think part of it is the lack of structure of it all - she was used to having a big but very tight group of supportive friends who she felt very at home with, and as a family we are all very close too. With her humanities course she hardly has any contact hours and all people in her college seem to do is study...she keeps saying it's not that Oxford is wrong for her but her college specifically but there seems no chance of moving...I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network. Apart from this, she was never particularly sporty or into music and other than those activities everyone's social lives do seem to revolve around their colleges...she makes an effort with friends of friends etc but feels afloat generally and is often lonely.

I would say she needs to join clubs and societies. My daughter had a boyfriend right through year 1 and half of year 2 at uni and when they split up she threw herself into clubs that she had an interest in, made loads of new friends and had arguably a better time without him.

Has she been to any college chapel events? Even if she's not religious she would be warmly welcomed. I wasn't at Oxford but used to go to chapel events at uni just to hang out with other people from college, and also the chaplain was good company. If she's not from a religious background that might feel too odd for her but it could be useful. And they were always giving out free pizza slices and hot chocolate in my day. It really can be hard when you've not 'clicked' with someone from your college. My daughter struggled in first year, never really felt close to her flatmates (in college accommodation). She was transformed in second year when she moved to a shared house with a girl she'd met from another course; I hope that happens for your daughter.

The first year is hard but it gets better. I went to Cambridge and similarly found it difficult in a small college and neither clicking with the confident public school types or the nerds. Really felt lonely and homesick and the insular nature of college makes you feel constantly judged according to your social status. Gradually things get better though. 2nd year was much better, 3 rd year great. Postgrad life was amazing and am still in academia having made full professor 16 years ago. It really is a question of time and nothing else.

Comparison is the thief of happiness.
Join a dance class like ceroc, or lindyhop. Active, social, and everyone else is also alone.

Plenty of good advice here, so I'll just add that my son is from an ordinary school and had some issues fitting in with the posh lot. He's mainly lived in college but in the second year ended up in a house share with a seriously god squad group and he's not one bit. So that was awkward.

Anyway he started hanging out with people from Brookes, and that's how met his (what looks to be) forever girlfriend. So maybe head down that way to meet folk. Just a thought. Wish her all the best.

Uni is hard. I went to a 'posh' uni (was there at the same time as the future king and queen) and I struggled massively coming from a non-privileged background. I made two friends in my class and looking back I wish I had put more effort in, but I had no confidence anyone would want to be friends with me as I didn't think I was good enough to be friends with them. I ended up living half an hour away where the rents were in my price range and I made friends there, but I started to see uni as sort of a work that I had to put the effort into to get the result I wanted, which probably stood me in good stead for actually being at work.

@smithsgj Why would he divide people up like this? Plenty of grammar dc really are no different from dc at modest private schools. Overall the stinking rich ones are overseas students paying full whack. The vast majority of students are not posh. He’s just decided they are. However the vast majority are from state schools so why even worry about the minority who are “posh”? All these divisive terms about others is just so immature.

@lordbaddingham that's one of my worries for dd3! I know she'll probably end up living in Dundee though she might decide to live on fresh air and stay in St Andrews. Atm she is thinking of doing the 5 year masters (we are English and on universal credit).

Oxford was exactly like this for me, except a lot, lot worse. It was just a shit time in my life. And I felt like a unique freak.

Now I’m old I realise that, while some people genuinely are having a brilliant time at uni, the number of people who aren’t is a lot higher than it feels like at the time.

I don’t regret going, and staying; it was a real itch I had to scratch and I would have been haunted by it if I hadn’t.

It was a choice I made. I saw it through. I cried to my mum a lot in the phone. There are shit times in everyone’s lives (I’m having a much nicer time now than some of my friends who loved uni). In fact, it’s the hard times that make us rounded, empathetic, resilient adults. You can’t really mature without them.

She just needs to decide for herself what she wants to do, and do it. Probably just suck it up. And realise that it’s quite common not to have a picture-perfect uni experience.

Strangely enough, even people from non-selective schools are really no different from dc at very expensive private schools.

@pinkspeakers No they aren’t! I’m just in a grammar county so was a bit blinkered! The state dc are in the majority and why on earth the majority cannot get on with a minority is beyond me! I think thst parents are often to blame. My DDs were privately educated and I’d never ever in a million years suggest to them that they avoided state educated dc. Many of their friends are state educated. Why so many MN posts openly criticise privately educated dc and counsel dc to avoid them is baffling. No dc will like everyone but saying 30.% of the student body is awful and not worth your time or effort is terrible.

Plenty of people at state schools are also from wealthy families. My dad was a judge and my mum was a doctor. My best friends dad was a surgeon and her mum was a doctor. Another friend's dad was a very senior civil servant and her mum was a journalist.... And that was a non selective state school.

The thing is it might not be her college or even her university - she might just be finding the transition away from the structure of here school difficult? If she leaves, there is zero guarantee she'd be happier elsewhere.

The colleges are all so big at Oxford, it really can't be the case that her entire year group is nerdy/unfriendly.

If she is really so unhappy then she needs a concrete plan to change things. All sports can be done at a college level - you don't need to be brilliant at it? And all the extracurriculars - she has to make a definite decision to get stuck in. Join the JCR committee?

@Charlotte120221 The colleges are all small! The largest is around 1000 students counting both undergrad and post grad. So perhaps 250 intake? Like a 6th form? The smallest have much fewer. Type of student is another matter.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner so each college has an annual intake of, say 80-250?

sorry, posted too soon… that’s a large group comparable to a school or sixth form intake. That’s easily large enough to find people you like?

I agree - and the OP said that "her college is actually very large and a v 'popular' one to apply to"

Hopefully things will turn around.

The risk of changing institution/programme is the usual one: wherever you go, there you are.

Sometimes, it really is them, not you! At 19 or 20, though, it's harder to know.

@Charlotte120221 Yes - Oxford has around 3,500 undergrads a year going into around 30 colleges. 250 is fairly large for a 6th form but 6th form colleges are much bigger of course. 80 would be a tiny 6th form. Yes, if it’s a larger college, you would hope to find like minded people but finding them can still be a challenge.

i hate to break it to you, but doing gold D of E and grade 8 viola doesn’t make anyone interesting.

My experience all the colleges have really good counselling since the suicides recently so that should be free

Oxford has always had an excellent, large university counselling service, as well as colleague support — certainly it was already like that in the 90s.

@Chapbook I don’t agree. More to talk about than a boring maths geek who doesn’t do anything extra. Music is a wonderful topic of conversation as most young people will be in an ensemble and are used to working with others. DofE is the same and you can talk about the skills you have and the volunteering. Both make dc more interesting because they have got lot of their comfort zone.

Do you think Maths is boring? I feel sorry for you.

If someone tried to talk to me about DofE I would run a mile!

Middle-class frills usually undertaken for the sake of socially-aspirant parents don’t make anyone interesting, and the alternative isn’t someone who only thinks about their academic subject!