DD Miserable at Oxford Uni

[MyPearlPoster]

So DD is in her first year studying history at Oxford. She has come from a very prestigious secondary in London, where she thrived and had lots of amazing close friends, some of whom are at Oxford now too. From the start she has found it all really challenging socially, calling or messaging in tears that she hasn't found her people and feels alone in her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'. Spending time with friends from home there helps, but she says everyone seems to have a core friend group within their college, where they've all found likeminded people to eat/hang out/study with - I think she feels somewhat like the odd one out for being lonely in hers. It doesn't help that her friends at other unis, many in the US, are having the time of their lives, calling with exciting stories and posting pictures of new friends - she really feels as though she is majorly falling behind. I have told her multiple times that it takes time and that she would regret leaving Oxford but it also kills me to see her so unhappy. Academically she is doing pretty well, but not thriving perhaps as she used to, and finding it difficult to concentrate and focus because of constant anxiety etc. She is speaking to a therapist and taking a low dosage of anxiety meds which have been recommended. I think part of it is the lack of structure of it all - she was used to having a big but very tight group of supportive friends who she felt very at home with, and as a family we are all very close too. With her humanities course she hardly has any contact hours and all people in her college seem to do is study...she keeps saying it's not that Oxford is wrong for her but her college specifically but there seems no chance of moving...I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network. Apart from this, she was never particularly sporty or into music and other than those activities everyone's social lives do seem to revolve around their colleges...she makes an effort with friends of friends etc but feels afloat generally and is often lonely.

Some of the people who enjoyed themselves most at uni imo were thoroughly immature, almost like teenagers who sleep around frankly might enjoy themselves - and others - a heck of a lot, no getting away from it. But being around people like that is not necessarily any fun.

Yet oddly, these people might be devoid of self-pity tbf and somehow take responsibility for how they feel and their own situation.

Myself, I felt both underwhelmed and overwhelmed by uni, both out of my depth yet surrounded by shallow people happy to just coast.

In a way, being a student is about being uprooted from your family home, family, school friends, place you were brought up, not to mention day-to-day routine. It might work out, it might not. If it does, you feel like a superhero and if it doesn't you feel like a loser when in fact there's nothing to say it's going to work. Also, at uni it felt like nobody gave a toss about your existence, unlike paid work. You were very quickly in a situation where you better land on your feet. After a while, it becomes a case of basics - why should anyone care about you?

I probably shouldn't keep returning to this thread!

There are generic events as well - this is a large academic college example
https://balliolmcr.com/student-life/social-events

It'll be quieter and studious around now as exams are coming up but after exams there will be lots of parties. You don't have to be massively interested to join the interest groups, its just something people can talk about so they can have something in common. I would encourage her to start attending at least some lectures as well as she maybe able to go for a coffee / cake after with someone from there or walk to it together.

Reading this has brought back memories of very privileged students for whom university was, well, a step down from school. They never said so explicitly of course. Very well-funded schools have superb facilities and teaching commensurate with their extremely high fees. Life must have been very rich and absorbing.

Oxford is beautiful with amazing libraries, and there are lots of very bright people there. But for a teenage girl who has experienced elite education at secondary school, I can see why it might feel a bit thin and less sociable in comparison - and of course the city is small, and less culturally-rich than London.

But many of the unfashionable students and geeky students (and even the privileged country types) are actually really interesting!

If she loves her subject, one thing she could possibly do is offer Bodleian/archival research assistance to historians based elsewhere for an affordable fee. It costs a lot to visit the copyright libraries! A clever and reliable virtual assistant would be great :-)

@MyPearlPosterDid she do nothing at school? My DD was, I guess, one of those awful privileged dc from a private school but she enjoyed singing. Still does 15 years later. 100% a people person too so was chair of a ball committee. Not Oxford but got stuck into fun things. Then there’s going out for meals and cooking for friends in y2 onwards.

I think maybe Oxford has just too many students who have worked for A levels and haven’t done anything else? Therefore they have no obvious hobbies or interests. Sport is the one kept up by quite a few but if you’ve just worked and chatted to friends, you haven’t explored all school offered. One advantage of paying is that dc get loads of extra curricular opportunities and I encouraged dd to do loads. Singing and acting were time consuming and I’m surprised your DD don’t do more at independent school because a lot was surely available.

Surely there is something from this nutty selection she could try?
https://www.ox.ac.uk/students/life/clubs/list

Or one of these? (The list includes, eg, orienteering, croquet and pool, so not only team sports)
https://www.sport.ox.ac.uk/sports-a-to-z#/?

Also, her college JCR must advertise all of its social events, clubs and societies. It seems to me her low-level depression is clouding her thinking and making her feel like nothing’s going to be worth the effort when that isn’t really the case.

I think maybe Oxford has just too many students who have worked for A levels and haven’t done anything else? Therefore they have no obvious hobbies or interests.

This really isn't true. Oxford is full of people doing all sorts of things and with a wide range of interests. IME people who do well academically tend to do well across the board (obviously not in every case).

I wish this had been around when I was a student 😍Oxford Murdoch Society

@7in1PondThe op has said her dd does not have hobbies or other interests. It was on that basis I commented. She probably has just worked for her grades. I agree some others have broad interests but the nerdy ones almost certainly don’t. Oxford has a high proportion of those and sometimes international students are just going to work and do nothing else. This was very much the culture at DDs school. So Oxford, being small, might have a much bigger % of dc like this than elsewhere so dc who just want to socialise with others has a relatively small pool to choose from.

How odd that my reply was hidden - it was just a link to the Iris Murdoch Society, which looks great! It seems to be three girls who meet up around town to talk about books, ideas and how to be more like Iris!

It really isn't a small pool. There are 12,500 undergrads at Oxford, probably a similar number at Brookes. And about 35,000 full-time students in the city as a whole.

From memory the international students were often more light-tough-sociable than the British students - very good at suggesting coffees/cinema trips/theatre trips with people they didn't know so well, less likely to be alcohol-focused.

Quite a few come just for a term or a year, and many are very keen to connect without expecting deep instant friendships.

You only need a few connections to get started...

Absolutely - Oxford, like Manchester, is stuffed to the gills with students. There’s simply no requirement to restrict one’s socialising to just the college you’re at.

One thing I didn’t realise before I lived here (and I’ve spent loads of time in the city over decades) is just what a thriving, living city it is. Clearly the university underpins everything - but masses of university stuff is open to the public, and there’s masses to do that is completely unconnected to any university (but will still attract a diverse and clever cohort of participants).

@OneZanyCat Do you really think there are any Oxford colleges that are not "academic" ??

Not sure I agree with this. There are SO many possibilities to jump into. And yes some people want to just hang out in the library / the lab but most people are doing all sorts, very often to a very high standard.

I was not brilliant at either music or sport but by God I made the most of what was available. I played ice hockey, did tap dancing lessons, sang in the college choir, played in jazz bands, rowed in a fun crew, went to debates at the Oxford Union, and watched rugby (plus socialising in different colleges and going clubbing 1-2 a week etc etc). Tbh looking at that list, I wonder how I did ANY work……

@pinkspeakers The OP said her DD was at one of the most academic colleges and a big college and this was why she could not make friends in college - I think all the colleges are academic but some students, generally from big name private schools, who are very obsessed with getting a First / coming top of the year / winning academic prizes target certain colleges e.g. Merton at least for some subjects. There will be a range of people in all the colleges even Merton though especially a big college. And people get reallocated colleges as well.

I think Oxbridge does have a higher proportion of quirky students and some of these will only have a special interest but they are nice people and there are lots of others who will have lots of interests and be social. They are also young when they join and will be immature at times and some will have come from very strict backgrounds where socialising was discouraged and just working hard was encouraged.

@OneZanyCatWhat’s a most academic college? Yes I know they have tables but that doesn’t mean there’s more than a fag paper between the intellect of many of the students. Plus the big name school dc do often have hobbies because it was part of school life and they are maybe better at mixing and have more confidence. They are not necessarily the workaholics you think they are.

I've never said they where workacholics, I would describe the ones DD knows as work hard, play hard types and yes they are generally more confident with better social skills. But they targeted the college they are all at for its academic reputation and have won best in year between them for both subjects. I would say there is a difference between their knowledge levels and DDs though for most jobs it won't make a difference.

I agree

Oxbridge students often get there because they have high capacity.

In 6th form, I did 4 A levels, a GCSE on the side for extra interest, worked part time, played two instruments, directed a play and volunteered. I didn't even feel especially busy. Most of my peers who went to Oxbridge from my school were similar.

@iniatiIt’s the “ask a busy person” saying. Those with capacity do more and do it well. My DD was similar and had many things on the go. I think some dc work so hard for A levels and Oxbridge they are not rounded people so flounder when other skills are less developed. But, Oxbridge don’t care about what else applicants do now. I’m not convinced they shouldn’t! DD here has a few school friends so you would think they can introduce DD to new people to broaden out who she meets.

Yeah but even tho Oxbridge don't explicitly rate on it anymore, I expect Oxbridge students are still busy people on the whole. I didn't do any of my activities because I needed to get into Oxford but just because I was (am) a high capacity person with a lot of energy and curiosity. E.g. the extra GCSE was a modern language that I found interesting not anything related to my core degree subject