Gordonstoun vs shrewsbury defiant high iq girl

[ByRedTiger]

I have a defiant and high iq girl with high functioning asd and adhd medicated. Which school is better?

@ByRedTiger I would really focus on what @Turtlesgottaturtle has written.

Potentially write another post with this criteria on it and you will get more helpful recommendations.

All good boarding schools are very particular at picking out the DC who will thrive in their environment. They will look at the DC, their academic strengths, their achievements, their hobbies, how they socialize and the parents. From what you have said, I am pretty sure Gordonstoun would not be a good fit - they want action oriented DC who want to get involved. From what you have stated this is not your DC.

It sounds to me like you are after an academically strong environment but with excellent pastoral care that can help mould a more independent person with ND.

You will probably get some very good recommendations.

@ByRedTiger does your DC want to go to boarding school?

She is hesitant because she had a bad experience at a camp that was too structured. Far more than boarding. But this is different. It’s a school. We don’t want a super competitive place. We want a kind place that values work ethic but also curiousity.

@ByRedTiger I honestly think you do have more choices even though you are applying late.

Yes many schools could be full at this point, but you might be aware that there have recently been changes to taxation to school fees in the UK and this has impacted the sector and there are more spaces than previously as some children have moved back to state due to price increases.

If you are relying on a consultant who has told you these are your only two choices, please do consider emailing other options to check, as there may well still be space.

IME neurodivergent dc do best academically where they have friends. A school where your dc fits and is confident will be likely to bring the best out of her and there are other schools that might be able to do that.

As someone said earlier maybe start a new thread talking about her likes and dislikes and your priorities and get a full list of potential schools and email them all.

I wouldn't recommend Moreton Hall, not very academic. If child is academic would suggest Rugby or Oundle for hard working down to earth kids.

I don't live far from Moreton Hall and the neuro divergent parents with children at day schools around me pick Oswestry School (the SEN is considered better).

I do know two parents with children with ADHD who chose Sedbergh for boarding. They are friends so I think the one followed the other. They both seem pleased and felt it was worth the drive.

I've never heard of Shrewsbury School or Ellesmere College being good for neuro diverse children. I also know a family from Chester with a neuro diverse child who picked Abbey Gate over Kings. Abbey and Kings are day schools though!

I don’t think English is your first language so that explains the tone of your responses. It might be helpful for you to understand that you are writing in an inappropriately cold and terse manner.

I have no idea why anyone who wanted to visit their child during termtime would pick G as an option. It’s not easy to reach even with a helicopter from London. Perhaps the kudos of the royal connection attracted you. Did you engage a consultant and he or she suggested G? It’s very odd to me.

You need to do a lot more thinking about what would suit your child in particular and how you can develop her and help her thrive.

Sorry to be stating this in unequivocal terms but I am concerned for your D.

shes not hardworking now. Thats the problem. Otherwise we wouldn’t be in this situation.

@ByRedTiger I think you will get best success for her and so for you as a family by thinking which school has proven capability to take a child who has high potential but is demotivated and also has SEND and then for them to come out at the end of sixth form with excellent results. St Christopher School where we are in Letchworth has a proven track record of doing exactly that with similar children and because there are other ND dc she would be more likely to make friends. If they have a space but you would have to check with them as I don’t know.

Other schools mentioned on this thread which sound like parents have also used them for similar children sound worth a phone call or email too.

Because of VAT I believe there will be more places this year, so old threads on Mumsnet and old posts elsewhere online about availability of places may not be a good guide.

@ByRedTiger surrounding her by hard working kids could help her to move to first gear? The kids at Oundle and Rugby will on average be smarter and apply themselves more than Shrewsbury

she needs the executive function and independence. Not relying on parents as much as she has been. Taking accountability.

This along with other things is really alarming me.

I know we don't know the whole story OP and you are wanting specific factual information about only the bit that matters to you right now, and us asking about other elements of your home life appears to be frustrating to you as it seems both emotionally challenging you and not relevant. (This is exactly how the autistic people in my life would behave when asking this question by the way, just leaving that there)

It feels ethically not right to me to give advice about boarding schools for a vulnerable neurodivergent girl without understanding the context and what other pastoral care she has now. I can see you're not wanting to share this, or maybe you don't think it relevant to us.

But you are describing things as if they are "things she needs to learn" - and as if she just needs to knuckle down. This includes manners, executive functioning, interest in learning. There has been no explicit recognition from you on this thread that these might be things she needs additional support to learn. From this gap, I get the impression that her needs are not being met, because if you're the sort of parent who understands and meets those needs, you say so. It would have been the first thing you wrote in your OP.

Even a small note from you, demonstrating that you understand autism, that you are parenting her in a neuro affirming way, rather than wanting her to comply with neurotypical norms, would give commentators on this thread some comfort that their advice will not lead to harming this child.

At the moment I have a strong sense of moral injury. This isn't reddit, I feel on Mumsnet that words have weight and we are not just shouting into the void, that real people could be helped or harmed by whatI write. So if I say to you yes Shrewsbury is a great school - or even if I name other boarding schools which are genuinely great for autism - I might be instrumental in you taking advice which would harm your daughter.

Has St Christopher's changed its policy of allowing children to skip lessons and do no work if that's what the child wants?

I agree with people that we don't have enough information and that we're getting some concerning messages from OP. On the other hand, if the daughter is from a difficult family background and is in conflict with her parents then going to a good boarding school could well be a good thing for her - giving her a chance to make a new life for herself.

Fucking hell. Will never this understand this style of “parenting”

@Turtlesgottaturtle they got the best GCSE results in N Herts last exam season, beating selective local indies, so whatever they are doing it clearly works. If they ever had that policy in the past I doubt they do now!

@ByRedTiger please could you tell us how you got to these 2 schools? Were they recommended to you? Are you paying someone - an education consultant? It just seems weird from your criteria that you have these on a shortlist.

Also where are you in the world? Just thinking of cultural differences. You state that she doesn't work hard, yet I know in certain countries (e.g. China) school children work very hard in deed.

I have concerns that boarding school is the right option for your DC. I think for any DC to thrive at boarding school they really need to want to go

OP look my DD17 is AuDHD and used to go to Headington as a part boarder. (She was actually at Rye until it merged) I mention this as you need really strong pastoral care for her I guess is why you are asking. Now honestly I would go all girls for her, but, the two places that were mixed we really loved for her needs were Shiplake (Henley) and LSV (Ascot) I decided not to go down private path for 6th form in the end for her needs as what she actually needed was to be home every day but I would perhaps look at those. Shiplake is very outdoors too but also have dogs on campus and fab facilities.

They pride themselves on being "progressive", and that used to include allowing the pupils to do what they wanted - including not attending lessons or doing any work. I've seen that in action, and it resulted in the child leaving school with almost no qualifications. This is from their website:

"If you’re looking for a ‘different’ approach to education; perhaps your child isn’t enjoying school as much as you’d hoped or doesn’t have the opportunity to be ‘seen’, St Chris could be the place for you. We want our students to achieve more than they ever thought they could and be truly happy at the same time. This is how all the great things at St Chris come to be: our simple idea that happiness produces achievement, and not the other way around."

I have to say that the child in question enjoyed their time at the school - but their idea of being happy involved doing no work at all.

How long ago was it @Turtlesgottaturtle? It has changed to be quite a different school now to what you are describing, as the results seem to show.

It was decades ago. But the message on their website raises some questions. And somehow I don't think that the OP is looking for a "progressive" school, which is how St Christopher's continues to market itself.

What about St Swithins? Easy to get to from Heathrow and is good for academic girls. The only downside would be that there are a lot of weekly boarders so youd have to look at how empty it gets at the weekends

@Turtlesgottaturtle I think decades has probably changed most of the schools on the list. Eg my own school (old fashioned type of place) was using punishment in the 90s which I’m sure don’t happen now.

I think lots of parents know what is right for their child when they see it and especially when they see similar kids be successful at a school. Sometimes it is good to cast the net widely beyond eg the two schools a consultant has suggested.

Progressive can equal genuinely good results because children are actually helped to work with their strengths.

My DD has ASD and has absolutely thrived at Adcote in Shrewsbury. It is single sex and such a gentle and kind school. It suited her perfectly though she was there as a day pupil. I would disagree with any recommendation for Wrekin College. Her brothers both went through there they also both have ASD any SEN “support” was absolutely woeful. I truly don’t have a positive word to say about it.

The fact that she doesn't want to go to boarding school and OP is planning to make her go anyway means that I really don't think anyone should be recommending schools. Although by the sounds of it, she might encounter more kindness and understanding there then at home.

We don't know enough, but there are certainly circumstances where a move might be in the child's interests even if the child doesn't want it. Eg the child is caught up in a bad crowd - missing school, taking drugs, etc. Or the child is being bullied but nonetheless doesn't want to move schools. Or even just in a peer group that despises taking school seriously.

She sounds like a perfect Oundle fit.