DS4 absolutely adamant he won’t go to school

[BananaHammock23]

My DS turned 4 at the end of July. He was born at 35 weeks, so slightly premature, but not sure if that’s really relevant. He’s due to start school in September but is absolutely adamant that he won’t go. We’ve been trying to read books about starting school, watch TV shows about it, talking about it, role playing etc etc and nothing is sinking in. Whenever we mention it he just shouts “I’m not going to big school!”.

We’ve tried talking to him about why he doesn’t want to go but he just shuts us down. I’m at a loss for what to do.

We didn’t get into our first choice school and I’m not sold on the one he’s going to, but I’ve been careful not to mention this to him.

I’m at a loss for what to do. Any advice?

I'd tell him its not his choice.

I think you have started talking about it too early. Stop mentioning it until a week before he is going.

Stop talking to him about it, pushing it with books etc. with my son when he doesn’t want to do something I explain calmly why we are doing something maybe once or twice. Max three times. If he’s still losing his mind about it I just leave it for as long as possible and then bring it up again a day before X event. It’s the going over and over it thing he hates

Has he been to nursery or pre school before?

Stop talking about it!

In his head it’s still ages away. and he’s 4. It’s not a debate. He’s going. So just leave it until the day before.

He doesn’t get a choice. Going to school is when not if. Is he like this with other parts of life? With some children it’s fine to phrase things politely implying they have choice but for others we need to be more careful with language to ensure they know the things there is flexibility over and things where it is happening

This. I think you have the best intentions but you're overdoing it. Don't make too much of a big deal over his first day either. (Retired Reception teacher)

This. It’s not your choice.

Leave it.
If you think its still an issue in amonrhs time, refer to it as New Nursery or similar instead.

Big School can sound a bit intimidating. In reality its very similar to nursery for Reception!

Ignoring his feelings is he ready for school? How does he get on at nursery / pre school?
If he'd been born on his due date would he go into the year below? I'm not a massive fan of deferrals but in that situation I would definitely consider it based on the bigger picture.

He's getting attention through this. Wait until nearer the time.

Explain that all big boys go to school and all his friends will be going to school. Lots of praise about what a grown up boy he is now, then leave it to sink in. Does he get to go and see the school, he may just be frightened of the unknow. In the end I'm sure the teachers have seen it all before and will help settle him in.

Don’t try and convince him that he wants to go or that he will love it, just present it as a done deal. Not going to school isn’t an option, so remove it from his head. Where does he think he can go instead?

What was his due date? if it was September he would not have been going to school for a further year if he had been delivered at term. To send someone to school a year early because they were born prematurely makes no sense. His reluctance may make perfect sense. Putting convention/convenience aside, do you think he is developmentally ready? if not, look into deferring for a year.

Most kids get nervous but after a few days they're fine. Once he sees what it's like, he'll be fine. There's still lots of play, and he'll be with his friends - talk to him about that, how everyone else will also be going and you don't want him to be left out. Also do learning less obviously, so at the shops get him to read things for you, like oh what's this? Also it's not a choice, just make options where you can - so what shoes does he want to wear (maybe he has 3 that would all be fine). Then he has choice over tiny things and ignores the overall, you do need to be slightly firm, like I want the best for you and that means learning more in a fun way because I care about you, so you have to go to school. But maybe put something he likes in his lunch as well, so he's excited and maybe plan something he likes after the 1st day like going to the park. Maybe also practice the walk a few times before, so he gets use to it (less unknown) will likely calm him. He'll be fine, and don't worry about it too much, yes let your child lead you but he's not his own parent.

Agree with those that say go by his actual due date - he'd then not been going until September 2026.
Whilst children do need to go to school, too early, particularly for boys can be detrimental.

He seems very young to be going to school. No point shoving him in at the age of 4 when he's not ready. Some of the kids will be almost 6. That's a big gap.

Can you wait a year?

One of mine was prem - everything is usually timed from their due date, not their birth date.

Defer ! He’s only July born

The oldest child who starts in Reception this September will be exactly 5 if the school starts on Monday 1st September. The youngest could be 4 years 1 day. The maximum age gap will be a day short of 1 year.

This would be a terrible message to give the child given the opening post. If there’s a developmental delay, sure, but there’s no indication of that in the op.

I'd try to defer a year so he is more ready. Give him an extra year of nursery.

I don't think you need to defer, I was always the youngest in every year I was in because I was born on August 31st - a couple of hours more and I'd be in the year below. People always said I seemed like I was the oldest (teachers and older peers) and I still had very good grades and was absolutely fine even though I was right on the cut off to go into the year below. In fact when I lived in a different country when I was younger, I skipped a year and so was with kids even older than me and it was fine. Sometimes we exaggerate the impact of being summer born.

Also it likely won't make anything better if you defer, I bet he'd still be saying I'm not going to big school. And he'd probably be 1. More scared of it because it would still be unknown and 2. Resist even more because he'd know that last year when I screamed they didn't take me so I'll just do it again - sometimes in life we have to things that are slightly scary and we don't want to.

Not any more. That was in the good old common sense days when 364 days was indeed the largest possible age gap. Now it’s been increased to nearly a year and a half by idiots.

If this is UK no one in reception class on September will be almost 6. The oldest they could be is just turned 5 that month. And he won't be the only summer baby.
As others others have said op, leave talking about it for now so it doesn't build up to a big deal for him.

I agree. My daughter was born in July and never had a problem. As a Reception teacher it wasnt always obvious who were the summer born. In any case the teacher will be trained with this age group and will be basing activities on children's abilities not their age. I had a child in my class who, for various reasons, came out as have the developmental age of a 22 month old so I treated her accordingly.