DS4 absolutely adamant he won’t go to school

[BananaHammock23]

My DS turned 4 at the end of July. He was born at 35 weeks, so slightly premature, but not sure if that’s really relevant. He’s due to start school in September but is absolutely adamant that he won’t go. We’ve been trying to read books about starting school, watch TV shows about it, talking about it, role playing etc etc and nothing is sinking in. Whenever we mention it he just shouts “I’m not going to big school!”.

We’ve tried talking to him about why he doesn’t want to go but he just shuts us down. I’m at a loss for what to do.

We didn’t get into our first choice school and I’m not sold on the one he’s going to, but I’ve been careful not to mention this to him.

I’m at a loss for what to do. Any advice?

Thanks again for all your thoughtful replies - it’s been really enlightening reading them all and definitely given me lots to think about.

A few questions re settling sessions for school. There was one class meet and greet in June, but otherwise there’ll be no more settling in until the first week of September when there’s a 1:1 meeting with the teacher and two morning sessions, then he’s supposed to be in full time from the week after. I just can’t see how we get from two days at forest school to five days at reception… it’s just going to cause him so much distress. So while I understand the general consensus is not talking to him about it too much, I feel like perhaps I need to gear him up for the routine shock in another way.

To be honest I’m feeling completely lost about what to do and it’s making me miserable. Forest school have agreed to have him up to 4 days a week from September, but I need to work out the costs for that and whether it’ll be affordable as DD2 will also be starting then too. We could explore deferral more seriously.

We didn’t get into our first choice school (our neighbours 3 doors up did!) so I would want them to agree a reception start for him in 2026 and hope it was a quieter year. I worry that they’d think I was using deferral as a way of getting another chance at getting in. It’s sad because our first choice school is much better suited to him (less pupils, bigger classrooms with more space, an attached forest school, big emphasis on outdoors); so if he’d got a place there I’d feel more confident sending him knowing it was an environment he’d probably be more familiae with. Most of our friends kids are going there too. We don’t know anyone in the new class, but I did get some numbers at the meet and greet to arrange play dates over summer.

Definitely organise lots of play dates so he'll meet people he'll be going to school with. Then it will be more about the friends and he'll be excited and perhpas not want to miss out. Also sometimes children thrive in a way you don't expect them to (we place our worries onto them about how will he do 4 days or 5 days) but he'll likely love it and be fine. Also definitely don't make a decision till he meets the teachers and has the morning sessions (I'd 100% whether you end up deferring or not send him to both) just to see how it goes, how he is after both of them (he'll likely be tearful when you drop him off but don't only consider that). I'd also have a discussion with the teachers regarding social concerns just to make them aware. As he meets them, gets to see the environment etc. He'll likely realise it's not much different. Also cost is one thing to consider having to children in nursery, some of the cost you will likely be paying for.

You really cannot have deferring him dependant on 2026 being a quieter year, because that's completely 50-50 and not worth the risk. I understand it's annoying bot to get 1st choice, but was there anything you preferred in this school than the 1st one or something you thought was interesting? Try and think of the positives, as the first choice schooll may have had more focus on outdoors, but most reception classes do - and you can never really tell what's it's like with them trying to attract you to there. It might turn out that in a year you're so glad he didn't go to 1st choice. Also in a tough love way, he's your child so it will always feel difficult to see him in emotional distress but sometimes you need to leave them to grow and see what happens, rather than let your feelings control the situation (to some extent obviously). Do the sessions and meet the teacher, stop mentioning it as much and when you do (don't make it sound like a question or a choice), do it with authority. If he says I want to go to forest school, you just say 'well next year we're going to try something different because it mum and dad know it's going to be best for you and your going to have more fun with some new people' - just saying it will happen. If he starts crying etc just say this isn't going to happen for a while and on the weekends, 'you'll still be at home and we'll still see grandparents. But going to a new school will be lots of fun and it's best for you'.

Going against the grain I think it sounds like he might benefit from school? He won’t be the only summer born boy or the only child who needs support with social/emotional needs. From what I can gather that’s the biggest part of Reception class - making friends, being supported to take turns, be more independent, resilient, be part of a team etc. You might find his behaviour improves as well (less defiance and shouting when asked to do things!) - it sounds like he’s had an idyllic start with care from loving parents/grandparents but perhaps being in a more structured environment with lots of focused play and different opportunities will give him more opportunities than his current nursery? I can’t imagine many schools would encourage him to be “glued to their side?”

Just so you’re aware as well - if you do defer his place, he isn’t guaranteed one at the school he’s currently been accepted in. It’s a completely new application as it was this year, they don’t “hold” his place for a year. It’s also less likely to be a “quiet” year next year - this year and last have seen very low birth rates nationally in Reception classes and I think they’re expecting numbers to rise for next year’s Reception intake due to lockdown babies. Also school have to agree to the referral as well as the authority.

You absolutely need to not only socialise him more but he needs time away from his current safe adults, you and grandparents, he needs to learn to trust and be with other safe adults.

if you defer you will have to reapply, they won’t offer you a place for next year, it dosnt work like that. Historically many children who were deferred would automatically start in year 1 just missing the reception year. In that case the school would need to hold the place, but if your wanting to defer him and start him in reception next year you need to go through the LA and get it officially agreed to start him in reception in sept 2026. So your aware there is a massive jump between yrR & yr1, my dd was more than ready sociably but not academically, it would have been a massive jump from nursery to year 1.

The LA admissions will be open for contact.

There is a lot of movement between offer day and start day, children offered places may have moved, gone to other schools etc… Have you put your name down on the waiting list for your first choice? You can also appeal, although I think you might be too late for this now. However, if you give up his place and defer you can prepare for any of this next year.

My oldest got a place in an oversubscribed school 1 week after going on the waiting list, but we put her name down on offer day.

To defer him you will need evidence that it will be detrimental to him for him to start in September 25. Get Dr letters, letters from forest school about his attachment issues and that they don’t think he’d cope in a school environment atm and any other professionals. Rules on deferrals have relaxed but if you’re wanting to want him to be officially deferred and to start in reception next year you have to go through the proper channels.

My first child loved forest school adn stayed there until school. My 2nd hated forest school but is now thriving in a local school nursery and from day 1 was happy to go (was a real relief and surprise!).
Is there any possibility of changing settings? If you were to defer (sounds like this could be beneficial all round), and he were to go to a school nursery (even if its not the one attached to his new school), he'd not be bored - they wouldn't let him be. You'd then be able to reapply and hopefully get into your first choice school. Meltdowns and refusals etc...have you considered accessing support/investigating this further? All can take time which a deferral would give you.

Does he have any friends who will be going to the same school, can you set up some playdates? I'd go to the school and let him play there in the weekends so he at least gets used to the environment. Maybe stop talking about it so much too

I’d definitely stick with the plan you’ve made. Deferring now means a whole new application next year and no guarantee you’ll get the school you want or that he’d go into reception not year one.

maybe stop talking about it if he finds that stressful. Just quietly buy him the uniform/ a new backpack/shiny new water bottle. And definitely try some play dates.

he might be defiant and stubborn but ultimately he’s 4. This is your decision not his, and he will be ok once he’s settled in. He won’t be the only one not completely convinced by the transition x

Well the school/ la would have to somehow argue that it's in a child's best interests to miss reception, which is it possible for them to do. So he'd never go into year one. And there's no guarantee which school he'd get, but he's not going to their first choice anyway, so nothing lost really.

Yes, it's an extra form and a bit of admin, but there'd be a lot more forms and admin if he becomes a school refuser, or gets very behind because he's so young.

It depends where you live but it isn’t a massive deal in my borough now to defer. It’s not that hard to do. And he’d go into reception and not year 1 in 2026. You also have to make it clear on his secondary school admission. But it’s very common here.

I know you’re reluctant, but I really would if I were you.

By the way, I’m an early years teacher and some summer-born children are ready, and some aren’t.

How is he when you compare him to his peers who are starting school?

Sounds exactly like my autistic kids. They have a demand avoidant profile. One of mine has been completely burnt out by school by age 9. Not all kids are ok once they've been peeled off a parent and left in school, especially if like my kids school, they're completely unsupportive and the staff have the same mindset as some of the posters here of "it'll be fine, there's no other choice, it's the law, don't give in".

Listening to your child is always a choice, as is laying down the law and forcing them to do it. I can tell you which of those routes caused more damage to my child.

Any thoughts about potential autism and your child?

You can also send him to Reception part time while he is under school age if you are worried about the full days.

100% ask them!! You are mad not to ask them out of worry about being seen as a bother - I do this kind of overthinking too and it doesn't serve anybody.

Most recently my DC who is v similar to your boy and has absolutely benefited from an extra year at the stage before school (we are not in UK - so it is a different system anyway) was placed in a totally different Y1 class to all his nursery classmates starting school. I was miserable about it for an entire weekend but did share with some friends and they all encouraged me to ask. I got ChatGPT to write the email for me (which was the right move, because the amount of bloody text I fed into it explaining every little nuance of the situation was clearly too much!) - it fed me back 3 paragraphs, which was still too much so I asked for something shorter, it was perfect and did the job, and I got a response back within about 2 hours, saying no trouble at all and swapping him to the class with his friend.

What do you have to lose? They say sorry it's too late - OK so you give school a go and see how it goes and if it is extremely difficult, then look at next steps then.

But if they say no it's not too late, you can still defer - then he has an extra year!

If it was just him saying he didn't want to go, then I might say the other posters have a point but with you also feeling like he might not be ready, you absolutely should ask. I don't think that is pandering to him. I think you are looking at his individual needs and what is right for him.

If he is getting bored in forest school you could potentially look at more of a pre-school or school-linked nursery for the second half of the academic year as a sort of transition step?

I would defer. He isn’t required to go until next year- the 1st term after he turns 5. He is obviously NOT emotionally ready. He is also NOT developmentally delayed- you are trying to put him in school a year early so it’s a bit silly to expect him to be developmentally advanced (esp being a premature baby).

Deferring will not disadvantage him at all academically, in fact it will increase his chances of high academic achievement.

Deferring will also strengthen your parent-child bond as he will feel listened to and not pushed into something he isn’t ready to do. At 4 he is quite capable of knowing whether he can handle the big school or not.

If he has a year deferral, you can take the time to boost his confidence and prepare him better.

4 is early for starting school! Where we live it’s usually 5 but people can also defer. The first year is largely playing anyway so no sitting at desks etc…

You can sometimes defer for just three months until the January, instead of the whole year. Worth a thought

YR teachers seeing dc in a nursery is way more efficient than visiting 30 homes! They should see parents before dc start and observe in nursery. That’s where you learn far more about what child can do and how they behave.

I would say nothing for the next few weeks. Buy his clothes but shoes etc because they are needed anyway. Also just because he says something doesn’t mean that’s what he wants! He doesn’t know what school is like. He’s just against the idea of school.

He does go to nursery doesn’t he?Some dc go seamlessly into YR as it’s an extension of nursery. Just a natural moving up! Does he know other dc going? Arrange to meet up on first morning!

He’s only just 4 so he’s not even at ,compulsory education age’ (in England anyway and I know deferral is common in Scotland) until September 2026. So he wouldn’t need to attend school yet and you could apply again next year.

However it’s also up to you because if he’s in childcare, you can often stay until age 5 (some settings don’t allow this as they are oversubscribed), that costs. You do receive the 15 hours funding until age 5 so you’d get it til July next year. Also if you were planning a return to work, that is also a consideration.

Its also not compulsory to attend school (or other education) til Spey 2026 for you, so he could be anywhere that suits you. You may also choose to home education, but again its not even something you’d have to worry about until next year…

School can be an if, but that’s up to the parents. They can choose full time school, alternative schools where available such as flexi school, forest school, boarding school, home education. Education (or as many say school) age is the term after 5th birthday.

This means that when is also valid - the just turned 4 year olds can defer a year. It’s more complicated when they turn 4 before Easter, as it’s harder to get a school place partway through a year. But not impossible.

Just some thoughts. Of course, it may well be he has to start school this September as that’s what OP chooses. In which case the child may have a view on it but it won’t be their choice

@PeachShaker exactly.

Many don’t understand that in the UK school is an ‘opt-in’ service not and ‘opt-out’.

An education is compulsory. School is not.