DS4 absolutely adamant he won’t go to school

[BananaHammock23]

My DS turned 4 at the end of July. He was born at 35 weeks, so slightly premature, but not sure if that’s really relevant. He’s due to start school in September but is absolutely adamant that he won’t go. We’ve been trying to read books about starting school, watch TV shows about it, talking about it, role playing etc etc and nothing is sinking in. Whenever we mention it he just shouts “I’m not going to big school!”.

We’ve tried talking to him about why he doesn’t want to go but he just shuts us down. I’m at a loss for what to do.

We didn’t get into our first choice school and I’m not sold on the one he’s going to, but I’ve been careful not to mention this to him.

I’m at a loss for what to do. Any advice?

You have 6 weeks. I'd have a good month without mentioning it and then the week before you say matter of factly "oh you're going to school next week/ on Monday" and if he says he doesn't want to go "I know you don't want to but you have to, it's the law and I know you'll have fun". Just keep it light and factual. He'll be fine once he's there. Don't let it spoil your summer.

Are there other kids you know going who could have a playdate with etc?

I quite like the sound of him, he might well have a good instinct here! Can you defer for a year ?

England and Wales maybe. Not true for Scotland. 4.5 -5.5. Lots of room to defer here.

Or he will go, wow, mum listened to me when i was terrified, i can trust her to listen to me.

My DC said this and then just went in and loves school now. Don't worry, stop talking about it now and thrn get him excited to buy uniform and a school bag closer to the time.

You’ve started talking about this too early and by using terms like “big school”, you’ve made it sound scary. I hope that you didn’t scare him with comments like sitting at desks, learning to read and write etc
I assume that you didn’t defer because he’s ready and that he went to some sort of induction to meet the teacher and other kids.

Is he at a pre-school nursery? Makes it easier if a load of his mates are going to the same place. DDs did a week at school before they actually went, in the last term of nursery and even at nursery always went over to eat at the school canteen so were used to it.

Also he may not be ready for school yet. Another term or two or year at pre-school won't do him any harm and may do some good.

I wish you could defer secondary school 😫

Stop talking about it now. He will get ready for school in the first day, maybe under duress but you help him. He may cry at the gate but you give him a hug and leave him. You don't make a fuss and hang around as it makes it worse. He may do it for a few days but he will soon get used to it. He may not even cry at all on the day! He will be fine he's 4 he doesn't get the choice at the end of the day. Don't feed into any anxiety it makes it worse.

The oldest they could be in England is 5y5m if they deferred.

Don’t worry him by talking about it. A few days before he goes in you remind him and then that’s it. Tell him that boys and girls go to school and it’s fun and he will make lots of friends and learn and play.
No big deal made.

You could also have something for him to look forward to after his first day? A tea time trip to McDonalds or something?

Oh I didn't know that. Although in wales it's 4 to 5 age range (not 4.5 start), is the September after their 4th birthday even if that's august ,31st, so still the same size gap as you've mentioned. But I don't think deferrals are very common. And round here loads of kids go to school based nursery part time from 3 so we are lucky that the transition is more gradual.

Yes I agree, and if he's still terrified in a year? Should the OP still listen then? I agree he will think Mum listened to be when I was terrified, I'm still terrified so, I'll do the same thing. I agree with other PP stop mentioning it as much as you are, he'll likely be loving it after the first few days or maybe weeks (soemtimes it takes kids some time to adapt and adjust and then they thrive). He's going to have to do things which terrify him, and I think it's a better lesson for OP to teach that he can do things that he thinks are 'terrifying' and be okay. I'm sure OP also listens to him a lot in other things, so he'll trust her. He's 4, he doesn't have the knowledge or capability to know what school is going to be like, so he doesn't have the ability to make a decision about whether he's ready for it or not (likely why he's scared, it's the unknown) but teachers are more than prepared for it, lots of receptions do phased starts as week the first week so should ease him in). Unless OP or his nursery are concerned about anything major enough in his development that would damage him, he'll be fine. The teachers work based on ability not on age.

Also, it might not be thr best choice for OP herself to defer, childcare is very expensive for another year she didn't plan for. She may be relying on him going to school for many reasons, maybe her peace, going back to full-time work (which she may really want to do) and that will likely have to take priority.

Can you not defer, I did with my August born DD, some summer born children are ready some are not.

Did he not have any settling in sessions?

I honestly think the worse thing you can do is force a child into school every day, I don’t see how it benefits anyone, the emotional distress to child and parent, the disruption to the other children while teachers deal with the children having meltdowns because they don’t want to be there.

I would work on a plan to either defer or do a phased start.

Op does actually have a choice though.

She doesn't have to drop her very young child off at school under duress and leave him to get on with it for another year if she doesn't want to and if it's not the right thing for him.

He might be ok. He might not. She could give him another year to be ready if she wanted to. It's not against the law.

Once thing I've learned in my children's school journey is that there are some children for whom school is not a good fit, and i wouldn't be rushing to force him into an environment that can be very damaging when he's telling you every way he knows how that he's not ready.

Don't indulge this. There are some things in life that aren't optional, and school is one of them. Better to learn this at 4, or you're going to have fun with him when he's 14.

It's been a long time since I've had DC in the English school system but I am surprised at all these comments saying you've mentioned it too soon! Do they not prepare children for school any more? I'm sure when DS1 was going they talked about it with the older children at nursery and they all knew who was going to school next year. At his school/nursery they even used to do a home visit about 3 months before they were due to start - this was done a year earlier in our case because the nursery and reception class were joined together. But the two class teachers said they liked doing this as you got to meet the child on their own terms, which helped a lot.

Is it really the current approach to only tell them about school a WEEK beforehand? That seems like it would be a total shock for the poor child!

School is always a choice. Fair enough if it’s the one you make but it is a choice not compulsory - education is.
I would back off and not mention school for a few weeks, then see how he reacts when you casually bring it up. If he’s still so upset I would consider either deferring or speaking to his teacher, just to give them a heads up. Chances are he’ll be fine and adapt but it never hurts to be prepare people just incase.

You need to at least try it first! Give him a few weeks. I've never known anyone defer a child, it's only something I've heard discussed on mumsnet. In reception it's just an extension of nursery, most of the time is free play and even in year 1 they have a fair amount of play alongside learning. They don't just sit down for hours all day. My son is very hyper, struggles to sit still never struggled in year R and 1 because they are not expected to be robots at this age. I'm sure her son will be fine. I work in a school, the kids who struggle to go in always have parents that feed into their anxiety and make le it ten times worse. Parents need to tell their children yes you can do things not no you can't.

Why is the 4 year old dictating what happens in 6 weeks time?

It's actually quite a luxury to have that choice. I retired 10 years ago so maybe things have changed but I never had a parent of a Reception child mention deferring. Most worked and others had their own reasons but all were keen to get their children to start.

No children spent the whole year hating it either although one or two took a little longer to settle. Tasks and activities were matched to the child's age and abilities whatever their date of birth.

Tell him everyone has to go ti school, it’s the law. And DO NOT GIVE AN INCH. I’ve seen what happens when parents fanny around it, and it’s a nightmare.

It's not the law though. The law says a child must be educated. It doesn't say it must be at school.

Also not until the term after his 5th birthday.

No child in my country starts school till they are five. Four years seems incredibly young.

Our home schooled kid has met at least three kids that were told it was the law. By chance all three hate school, and got really angry when they realized their parents hadn't been honest.

There's no need to include the law, just explain it's what you've chosen for him to do.

I do think it's a big change from being at home with family to suddenly at school every day, I think you can't predict how he'll get on really.

If you genuinely think delaying him would benefit him in more ways than just avoiding this upset, then do that - it's a totally valid option and one that is available to you even at this late stage on the game.

If you think once he's over this anxiety school would be a good fit for him then carry on but I would back off the chat about it for a few weeks. Let both of you have some time just to enjoy the summer. Then drop it breezily into conversation again at the end of August, short and sweet.

I suspect the first day or two will be a bit tough as he will probably be quite upset, but after that you'll probably find he loves it and all the anxiety will be gone. If not, you still have time to assess the situation and change course, even once he's started on September.