DS4 absolutely adamant he won’t go to school

[BananaHammock23]

My DS turned 4 at the end of July. He was born at 35 weeks, so slightly premature, but not sure if that’s really relevant. He’s due to start school in September but is absolutely adamant that he won’t go. We’ve been trying to read books about starting school, watch TV shows about it, talking about it, role playing etc etc and nothing is sinking in. Whenever we mention it he just shouts “I’m not going to big school!”.

We’ve tried talking to him about why he doesn’t want to go but he just shuts us down. I’m at a loss for what to do.

We didn’t get into our first choice school and I’m not sold on the one he’s going to, but I’ve been careful not to mention this to him.

I’m at a loss for what to do. Any advice?

But maybe he doesn't want to be 'big' maybe he just wants to be little....he is only 4...

Does the school your DS will go to have a holiday club? Maybe it's worth him going to it a bit before school starts so he's familiar with the setting at least? Like a low-stakes settling in period.

You may find another year helps with this, if it's just emotional immaturity. If it's something more then you won't be avoiding any battles, but you won't have any more then you were always going to either (if that makes sense).

You're not too late to defer if that's what you decide. You don't have to keep him at the forest school if you're worried, another preschool will be a change of scene for him.

But equally he may surprise you and skip in to the classroom. Kids like to keep us emotionally highly strung and then decide they're over it.

Yeah, I'm always a bit wary about the 'big kid' argument. If they're not ready, they're OK to feel not ready - no need to make them feel like they're a baby, as if that's a shameful thing.

You get 30 hours term time childcare if the parents are working so the same as school hours.

He's 4, you're asking him to enjoy something he has no idea about, he doesnt know what school is or what it's like so he just says no. You should stop talking about it for a while I'd say then tell him he's got his first day and go from there. Has he not met his teacher etc?

I know this is a multi-faceted problem, but I just wanted to say you haven't left it too late to defer. It's not ideal, but the council admissions team will still be working through the summer holidays and the schools you consider should still have someone covering their admin during the holidays, albeit more sporadically.

The admissions lot get people changing their minds all the time, wanting to swap schools, having to move house etc.

Here at least, even though it's late (technically you 'should' have done it in September-October last year), you're still able to submit a delayed entry paper form. You would also need to apply through the online portal to have him start a year later. Then when September comes round, you apply again, the same as everyone else who would be applying for the 2026 intake.

You just have to fill in a few details and write a little bit about why you feel it is in his best interests to be deferred (if it is) and then they'll make a decision, but as far as I'm aware they rarely turn it down. You can also include any documents, statements from his preschool etc. that might back you up.

If it's something you do feel would be best for him, just give your local admissions team a call tomorrow and talk it through. They'll tell you exactly what you need to do.

With the majority of parents having to pay significant top ups and inflated fees in the holidays to cover the huge funding shortfall.

Chucking anxious kids in at the deep end doesn't often work with things like this.
Often it can instead make them feel more anxious for a longer period and like their worries are being dismissed.

4 is still young to be left suddenly in the care of near strangers.

He might need additional reassaurance and a gradual separation from mum, shorter days etc.

Why is school avoidance not OK for a 4yo but is fine for a teenager?
Is it because young children are 'easier to force'?

Or use holiday clubs in the holidays same as if they were in Reception.

I think that he might have something else going on if he has regular meltdowns - I'd bring it up with reception teachers to see if they spot any SEN signs and measure to put in place to support him. Also it would be good for him to socially get better with being with other kids, because group work etc would be a good thing because he clearly goes closer to adults. However you could take him to a more 'traditional' nursery, if you feel forest school would be boring for another year. He might though do what happened with forest school, after a couple of months (even if it takes a while) settle and grow. It is important to know that evem if his social ability is less, teachers are prepared for that and focus on ability more than age. I think, more generally, play and art therapy are great ways to get a kid to learn to regulate emotions well in a subtle way.

Ok lots of assumptions here. First he's not actually started yet so I don't think you can judge how he will find it. Reception is very play based and the staff will be very used to settling children.

Also most children are "left with strangers" in childcare at a younger age. It will be the same adults everyday. I don't think school avoidance is OK in any age although I get that school doesn't work for every child. OPs child sounds like a reasonably standard 4 year old boy so I don't think you can assume it won't work for him.

Helpful 🙄

Not too late at all to consider deferring! Try joining the Facebook group where deferral has been, and is still, continually discussed. Its called Flexible school admissions for summer borns. Lots of helpful advice and guidance there from other parents on this topic.

Its the best decision we've made in deferring our late summer born children. No question they'd have been ok/fine in the year above too but we wanted to give them the best possible chance to actually thrive, enjoy school, and for me personally, for them to enjoy another year of relaxed childhood in a nursery setting (also forest based). They weren't particularly bored at all.

Most continental European kids are in nursery settings until age 5 or 6.

He might be fine, but it seems like alot of PP's are saying it's not okay if he isn't fine.

But with a good settling in process these people quickly aren't 'strangers' as children often trust and bond fairly quickly if they get a good sense about people.But I don't know what introductory process he has had so far, if any.

All i'm saying is if he struggles to separate from mum or is really anxious on the first day, other measures might have to be considered such as her staying to play for abit, him having a shorter session etc to ease his anxiety.

It was harder to defer 10 years ago, LAs made it very difficult to do, it’s gotten easier to do it, still hard but OPs DS sounds like he would be approved very easily.

Honestly born at 35 weeks, and a July birthday, and not secure with his personal social and emotional development (making friends etc), I would defer him. If you don’t think the forest nursery is right for him, you could try another preschool. But I’m sure the forest nursery will be full of children who are going into reception September 2026.

Honestly, find out now if the forest school will take him a further year, so you can make a decision with all options on the table.

Children differ but I've never heard of a 5 year old who was bored at forest school.

If you think school may be a leap, socially, that is a good reason to defer. If he's academically able he will get bored sooner or later, you won't avoid it by chucking him in the deep end, socially, at the earliest opportunity.

He doesn’t actually know what school is, so he’s saying no to something he doesn’t even understand.

stop mentioning it. It’s happening no matter what so stop mentioning it to him.

Did he have any home visits with teachers, school open mornings with you or induction sessions? Have you been able to speak to anyone at the school about this?

My son is also a July baby and was born a little early at 36 weeks, he's just finished reception and is doing incredibly well. He did go to the nursery attached to the school for the year before reception which I think helped a lot. Does his school have a nursery? Might be worth looking into if you did decide to defer as it definitely felt like less of a jump up to reception.

Op, given your update I think deferral is definitely needed and find him a new setting, maybe keep the forest school to 2 days and 3 in a setting that will prepare him for school or even cut the forest school all together. If he’s had no formal structure he’s going to find it extremely harder than he has already.

If he’s deferred you can try your first choice again too.

I have a late August girl, bright but socially not ready for school at 3y +51weeks. We deferred, she’s starting September and so much readier for it. No additional needs.

We have a May born boy who is due to start Sept 2026 and feel there may be some additional needs at play so we are keeping the door open, though I’m aware turning 6 in the term is a lot more socially difficult than 2 weeks before Autumn term starts. He has similar worries to your little one, OP.

I know you’re not asking about deferral and it’s a bit of a mumsnet hot topic so will leave that one there, but agree it’s one to consider.

I’m personally not a fan of the idea of part time (I have a job, for starters!) but also I think it’s delaying the inevitable.

You have my sympathies, they are so small at that age and I do worry that forcing them into a situation they’re not comfortable with sets the tone for a pretty bleak educational experience. For me, I’m hoping that seeing his big sister enjoying school will help my DS decide it’s a good thing.

Do you have any other concerns around development - potty training etc? If it’s just the school thing I’d be inclined to take the plunge and see how he gets on, if you think there’s more at play I’d take the time to have a year and work out a little more if there’s other needs to consider.

Good luck - with our DD being so close to the cut off I didn’t really question it, it’s so hard with the earlier summer borns (esp boys) if you think they’re not ready. Remember, it’s not just ‘reception at newly 4’, its ’year one and formal learning at just turned 5’, secondary at newly 11, GCSE options when they’re still 12 or 13, and so on.

Also I'd definitely increase the amount if days he's in nursery if you defer because 2 days will always mean he's not used to the structure and routine of school and will make reception much harder even if you defer. He hasn't spent a lot of time with other children in the environment so yes he's likely to be scared around leaving grandparents and parents because you know him so well. What he doesn't know is that very soon his teachers will as well and that a great and important part about school is what we call 'univeralistic standards' getting used to life away from people who know you inside out. Getting used to structure, routines, wearing uniform, being respectful about others toys and having to wait to speak, and listening to other opinions and learning things you've never thought of and essentially growing up and being exposed to more than the 4 adults in your life. At some point your going to have to give him that, I'd just let him start reception and see how he's goes over the weeks.

I'd also say how sometimes we do things even when we're nervous and actually soemtimes they can be better than ever etc, it's an important life lesson and I genuinely don't think deferring for a year will have any major progress in his social skills if he still has mainly time in the home, some kids need to be pushed into the deep zone but with a person right behind them to safeguard them and some arm bands. Especially if academically he's fine, he'll likely be quite bored in nursery, many kids often act out when they find work easy and then when they have something which challenges them just enough they actually engage really well and get better because they need to grow and push themselves. I'd also ask the reception about doing phased starts (if they don't already).

We deferred and absolutely no regrets. It was very much out of necessity due to health. But I know several other July/August boys who really should have been deferred, weren't ready, and the repercussions have been huge in terms of school refusal, not coping academically. It's been tricky.

I see little point in forcing a reluctant very young child to start school if there's an option of waiting a year.

Hi OP, has he not had any induction/settling in days at his school? My youngest DD also starts in September, and has had 2 stay and play days where she got to meet her teacher, see her classroom, play with the toys etc. Is the teacher aware of your concerns?