DS4 absolutely adamant he won’t go to school

[BananaHammock23]

My DS turned 4 at the end of July. He was born at 35 weeks, so slightly premature, but not sure if that’s really relevant. He’s due to start school in September but is absolutely adamant that he won’t go. We’ve been trying to read books about starting school, watch TV shows about it, talking about it, role playing etc etc and nothing is sinking in. Whenever we mention it he just shouts “I’m not going to big school!”.

We’ve tried talking to him about why he doesn’t want to go but he just shuts us down. I’m at a loss for what to do.

We didn’t get into our first choice school and I’m not sold on the one he’s going to, but I’ve been careful not to mention this to him.

I’m at a loss for what to do. Any advice?

School at the moment is a horrible place: the government are trying to improve standards by forcing kids to do more and more earlier and earlier. I've never known a parent regret deferring their child, but have known plenty who wish they had done. In a year's time, he'll be more ready for it and will be more likely to cope in school - and this is true all the way through, right up to coping with gcses or going to uni.

stop talking about him being a big boy, he does not sound ready to want to be one yet. He is clinging to staying little as he is not ready for big boy things yet. Back off then nearer the time focus on how much fun it will be, seeing friends and all the exciting things he will do. He may struggle but he will be ok.

Nice try kiddo
Medication, teeth brushing and school attendance - all non negotiable.

No it's not a week before. We are just saying not to keep mentioning it if it's upsetting him. They have transition days where they go to school for a couple of days in July to meet their teacher and classmates. They aren't thrown in. Some schools do home visits still it's normally in the first week of school as they dont go in on the first couple of days but that can vary. Most kids already go to nursery so I don't see it as a big jump at all as reception is mostly learn through play. When my eldest started school the teacher visited her at nursery too but I don't think they do that anymore. I've never heard of anyone deferring their kids either.

I agree with this, too.
ETA: I don't agree with leaving it to one week before, though. But the insisting when he is upset is the problem. I understand that it's done with good intentions. I do think it's an important transition for us parents, too, so maybe we unconsciously approach it with a subtle level of anxiety/concern that they pick up on.

And one more thing that my child didn't like: everyone kept saying "ooh, you'll go to the big kids school now, you are a big kid now, etc" and it was kind of intimidating to her. So I emphasized those things that would be the same as the nursery and reassured her that it was a thing grownups said to make children feel good but that it didn't mean that there would be only big kids there.
It really calmed her.

Oh sorry I wasn't meaning to throw shade on homeschooling! It is the law to have an education though. Yes you could homeschool. Yes you could wait until 5 or defer but lots of parents have to work. Or they might think school will be good for their child.
I don't think guilting the OP, which some posters are doing, is the answer. Most kids go to primary school and the majority enjoy it. There's no inclination this child won't apart from he's got it in his head and tbh 3 years olds are pretty changeable and arbitrary!

Yes I was told it should be "school" and not "big school". I have a summer born boy (although he was very happy in preschool) so I do get it but I'm not making it a big deal for him.

It’s not a choice.

He’s 4.

I'm pretty sure OP already knows that...

Defer? There's still time if you wanted to. We did with our two, who were July and June born, and it all worked out really well. They're now soon to enter Y6 and Y3 respectively, but 'should' technically be going into Y7 and Y4. Can't imagine it. They still seem so young!

I'd stop mentioning it. Remind him the day before and then leave it. Drop him off, give him a kiss and wave goodbye. The teachers will carry him in if he's clinging to you (and there's always a few).

But the Reception class in school is designed for that age. They don't sit in rows looking at the board.

I think you’ve built this up too early! There’s still a few weeks before they start. Has he been to preschool or nursery? I personally think all children benefit from preschool, helps with this transition. I would start talking about it again the day before he starts, get his bag ready, his uniform sorted and shoes out. Just don’t let him feel has an opinion or it’s remotely his decision. It’s the law; end of! lol

And yet no one has imploded, and the world turns relentlessly on.

Much of the rest of the world things we are barmy sending them so early. It might be less convenient for you but try deferring.

Lots of just turned 4 year olds start school. It’s quite normal.
There will absolutely not be any almost 6 year olds in the reception class!

Regarding deffering, lots of people can’t magic up 12 months of childcare at such an early age, nevermind the thousands of additional pounds to fund it!

Obviously I meant at short notice above, not early age, I was typing and talking about something else, I clearly can’t multitask well.

I wouldn't even frame it as "big school". Assuming he's already done some pre school, you just say now it's time for reception which is quite like preschool but with some new friends/lunchtime/assembly/whatever

Has he been to preschool/nursery OP? Has he visited the school he's going to? Are any of his friends going there?

DS was fine at nursery OP but hated the idea of school and was a complete nightmare when we visited. But when he started all his friends from nursery were there and he was absolutely fine so you never know. If he hasn't been to preschool or nursery though then I'd consider deferring him for a year and try to get him into one for that time instead.

Thanks for all the considered replies! It’s so hard to know whether this is normal or not, it sounds like it is.

There is some background to this which I probably should’ve expanded on in the OP and might answer some of the questions here.

DS didn’t go into childcare until he was 3. Before that, my parents looked after him 3 days and DP and I dropped to 4 days so we could have him the other 2. My parents were happy to do this and are brilliant, supportive grandparents - we’re so lucky to have them and DS loves them. When he was 3, he started at a forest school 2 days a week and it was absolute hell settling him in. It took months of tears and I almost pulled him out a few times because I was worried about how distressed it was making him (and in turn, us!). He’s now going happily 2 days a week but it was about 7 months before we had our first no tears drop off.

DS is a really sweet and sensitive kid, and while I think he’s ‘academically’ (seems like the wrong work for a 4yo but not sure how else to put it?) ready for school, socially and emotionally he could really do with another year. He doesn’t have any ‘friends’ that he enjoys playing with despite regular play dates with friend’s children, and his key workers say he’s glued to them and rarely interacts with other children despite encouragement. At home, he’s painfully defiant and I really struggle with the severity of his many meltdowns. He never does as he’s told until there’s some kind of consequence and it’s exhausting. I’m noticing a big difference between him and friend’s kids his age. I bumped into some the other day when I was buying school uniform and their 4yo happily told me where he was going to school, what teacher he has etc. DS on the other hand was shouting that he doesn’t want uniform as he’s not going. This is just one example of many situations like this.

hooe this paints a better picture. Please do be kind, I’m trying my best and I’m really anxious about this!

Re the deferral questions, we did consider it but worried he’d be too bored at forest school another year. He would have funding up until he’s 5 and they’re happy to have him, so it is an option. I feel like I may have left it too late now.

My youngest said he wasn’t going to go to school. Of course at age four they have no idea what school is really. We just left it and when the time came he wasn’t given a choice. He was fine and loved school.

In which case, see if the Forest nursery can take him until Christmas at least, and try to find a school nursery for after Christmas to ease him in