My son can't get an apprenticeship and is getting violent and moody

[WiseHiker]

My son is strugling to get an apprenticeship at 20 and his mental health is deteriorating

Firstly he is not a bad kid never touched drugs or drink. He was bullied alot in school as he is autistic and he claims because of his hight however despite this he got ok gcses (6s and 7s)

And tried alevels however dropped out because of further bullying and because he found the course uninteresting. He then spent around 2 years travelling to see his then girlfriend from Bournemouth

At 18 they broke up and he did a pt qualification at level 2, did boxing and got a part time job at a pub after alot of difficulty. However he quickly spiraled into an eating disorder and decided he can't continue down the gym Instructing route.

Since turning 19 he's been looking to get an apprenticeship in "anything not behind a desk that pays well" however has had no joy with the exception of an assessment centre .after being told he didn't get the job because his team lost after no one listened to him. he punched one of the people in his team outside the event out of frustration. I have since gotten him anger management and told him this is not acceptable.

He is now 20 still looking for one, he has started driving lessons to aid in this however he has become even more moody and withdrawn. He barely sees his friends as they are all working 9 to 5 and he works evenings and weekends. Compounding this I believe could be that his dad is terminally ill with hypertension of the heart.
Furthermore earlier this year he started seeing a new girl who within 3 month slept with one of his mates. Currently all he does is apply for jobs and work out for an unhealthy amount of time . I'm not sure how to help him.

@WiseHiker
I'm sorry, because you obviously care a lot about this. But you are enabling him. Every single suggestion made, you find a reason/ excuse for him to have not done, not be able to do, or "will happen" if something else happens first. I do appreciate he's autistic. That doesn't mean, and sorry but I'm older now so I use the old language, that he can't "buckle down" and do something with his life. He seems to spend his life bemoaning how hard his life has been, and you just accept that. He's 20. By God he does not have a clue how hard life is, and if he wants a future he needs to set goals that are realistic and get down to achieving them. Being autistic is a challenge. It's not a life sentence for failing.

Does he take steroids? They can make men aggressive.

Get him some therapy, it sounds like he needs way more support in how to communicate (or even recognise) and process his feelings. This is impacting his relationships and therefore his mental health. Make sure you find someone who has experience in supporting young adults with autism.

I was going to say that is he careful how much creatine he is taking. I was going to take it for memory problems, though I think it’s more for muscle, but these things do affect the brain - perhaps affect his mood. Lots on Reddit about these things.
Could he train in something without expecting pay - roofer, fencer,drystone dyker, tree surgeon. Lonely jobs unless you’re with a gang , but I would think there must be demand for skilled workers once he can do it. So once he has the skills he’d get employment. Also he’d have the fitness required which is unusual these days.

You and he need to investigate support schemes for getting autistic people into work.

I wouldn't recommend the trades if he's still hung up on bullying and prone to lashing out. You need a very thick skin, especially when you're new.

Unless he's got the knack for sales, he's going to need qualifications if he wants to earn well, which at his age will almost certainly come with a cost, unless he can find something with on the job accreditation/qualifications.

It might be worth paying for a session with a career advisor. "I'll do anything" is fine if he just wants some quick cash, but it's not a good approach for someone looking to kick start their career. It'll give him some ideas and some structure and something to aim for, so he's not just chucking applications into the wind.

Trades and engineering apprenticeships are ridiculously competitive. I applied for so many on behalf of my then 18 year old DS. I wrote the applications for him. He has good grades- 5 to 7s. He had technical work experience. It was still a long slog. He eventually got a Level 3 engineering apprenticeship but I’m trying to how ridiculously tough it is.

He also has a driving licence which I think helped too.

Hes not gaming like he used to listens to alot of podcasts but nothing too harmful

I’d really recommend working on his mental health and at least for a little while take a small step back from the immediate job search and really think about what it is he WANTS to do, what are his strengths and interests, passions even, and then have a look to see what apprenticeships or jobs there are to play to those.

Apprenticeships now are incredibly competitive at least most of the ones I have seen where we are, you’d be amazed how many people apply for very few positions and you can really tell by the applications & the interviews who really wants the job and has the passion for it, and who just applied along with 20 other roles because they want A job. Take a little breather to have a proper think, plan, and then go from there.

I've spoken to him he has said he just desperately wants out of his current life it's why he lashed out and has been grinding himself into the dirt with the gym. He hates the idea of going back to college as it means he would have to stay in his current job where he is isolated. he's going to keep applying for entry level jobs and hoping it's the only real option he has to him. I did convince him to look into the men's sheds and he has worked hard on his driving. He is not an academic so I doubt college would be for him. I wish I could help more

He had no passions or interests other than his physique and friends he plays xbox about an hour a night when his friends are in that's about it

@WiseHiker You don't have to just do 'academic things at college. OP you have had some really useful advice (about different pathways) from loads of people. You need to tell him that he's going to require qualifications which means yes going back to college getting a Level 3 apprenticeships first then BTECs at the bare minimum already. He can do plumbing, construction, graphic design if he likes computers, loads of courses. It not only A-levels that colleges do. If he doesn't unskilled in the nicest way possible he will be working a dead end job because he'll be competing with 1. People with BTECs and those doing junior level 3/4 apprenticeships from 18 showing commitment and 2. People who have A-levels and degrees who have done internships during uni. Maybe after a Level 3 apprenticeship or BTEC he can apply for a higher level apprenticeship maybe Level 5. He doesn't have ot decide on something he'll do forever, just something that he's interested in enough to enjoy.

He's already lonely and isolated NOW, and that's not because of his friends working. He has an eating disorder, his mental health isn't good - of course he's isolating himself that's a symptom of his condition. He needs to try (and you can help) to organise things with his friends, going out in the evening or playing group sports like football. Get him to go to the GP and get a higher dose on his meds (or try a new antidepressant) and then get a referral to Eating Disorder Services and Psychiatry (yo have a whole mental health assesment by psychiatry and designated ED services - dietician, therpay etc. You also need to ask for a referral for way more intensive therapy than CBT, - ask for DBT, IFS he needs someone whose also worked with autistic people. If you won't make him or encourage him to change anything using some of the advice from this thread, then what's the point? Did he say he will look into Men's Shed.

Finally get him yo contact BEAT - an eating disorder charity, even if he just looks through the website for advice. Also you can call them OP. They can refer him to services or even just talk to him, but you can also call them on his behalf see what advice they have.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/i-need-support-now/helplines/&ved=2ahUKEwjov5vw5diOAxUPTkEAHTh3K-wQFnoECBwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2jzMt_CQu-4B7Ty_A1bn44

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/do-men-get-eating-disorders/&ved=2ahUKEwjov5vw5diOAxUPTkEAHTh3K-wQFnoECB0QAQ&usg=AOvVaw0HkeJ0N5JMKVSz25ZDca2r

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/eating-disorders/&ved=2ahUKEwjov5vw5diOAxUPTkEAHTh3K-wQFnoECFkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw1h-p_zlLGfQzCxqO6bPvGJ

Hi OP,

I wonder if he might like to try plastering or painting?

Plastering is a really specific skill that requires focus and strength and bit of a strong physique.

Plasterers have to be able to lift a flat metal sheet with heavy plaster on it, and then spread it smoothly on the wall. They also have to be able to balance on a plank above staircases to do the walls at the top of the stair well of a house.

He'd have to enjoy spreading plaster out flat day after day. It's quite loud when they use the big mixing thing to mix the plaster.

If that is too much, might he consider being a house painter? He could just start doing that by painting your own house. Then looking on check-a-trade or posting on the nextdoor social media site. If he liked either of those jobs he would get good money.

I can never get hold of plasterers or painters and would happily take someone who could show me photos of a previous job that went well. I don't care if they have qualifications.

Do you think he might enjoy that?

You said he sold his collectables and was once into Transformers.
Is he not interested in any of that type of thing anymore?
The adult collectables/pop culture world is huge.
Even if he doesn't work in that environment would he be interested in it as a hobby (as an alternative to just the gym).
There's meetup groups, online groups, conventions etc.
Teenagers often have to abandon interests when they get snowed under with GCSEs but getting those interests back again as an adult can be life changing.

That sounds tough OP.

Could he do some volunteering in something adjacent to an industry he’s interested in to get something relevant on his CV? I.e if he’s interested in being a builder, he could look at SPAB?

Your DS “can’t get an apprenticeship” OP because he sounds like he’s on knife edge of utterly losing control and causing very serious damage.

Quite honestly OP, beggars can’t be choosers.

Your son is not going to get an apprenticeship.

The focus needs to be addressing his pretty appalling behaviour.

And alongside that, the fact he works part time and needs his mum to get around.

I’m still finding your posts confusing. If he’s not “academic “ that doesn’t necessarily rule out all colleges and courses. You mention apprenticeships - by their very nature they must had some accredited training off the job - that usually involves colleges!

He’s autistic but it sounds like he is able to be independent so I think you need to draw some boundaries here. At 20 years old he needs to be taking a more proactive approach re his future. You can help and support him but should restrict the “doing” just to those tasks that his autism prevents him from being able to do successfully.

Men's shed might be helpful for building skills and developing an interest if he's able to go consistently.

My local college runs free introductory courses for all sorts of trades, our ones tend to be be around 5 to 10 weeks long (one evening a week during term time, though they have daytime ones too) and are good for a taster and also speaking to the tutors for advice on getting into the industry. Is there anything like that available where you live?

Could he shadow different local tradesmen for a day or two for free? Again to get an idea of the jobs and also to build connections.

Good luck, it sounds like a difficult and frustrating situation and it's hard to work towards something if you're not sure what that actually is.

Op. I would start a new post in education (leaving out the part about hitting someone over a year ago).

Say your rough area and people will be able to direct you to specific courses/ colleges.

There are grants available to help people in your son’s position with no level 3 qualifications. He might need to check the job but doing as job you dislike to get through college is very different to doing the same job with out future plans.

Why start a new thread? The OP has ignored every suggestion made, every specialist service named and has enabled and excused her child’s behaviour in every reply . A new thread is pointless. Also the violence is very important, it demonstrates her child’s is struggling and needs support from professionals. Sugar coating the situation in a new thread is not helping really , is it?

The violence is absolutely relevant

Why does he think he deserves anything that pays well?

He needs to sort his anger issues and his sense of entitlement. He can start with the GP for the former.