How to check my child’s grades at a Uni?

[Snowflake55]

I am in despair as my son refuses to tell me if he is attending Uni at all, let alone to tell me how his grades are! I tried calling his Uni and all they say “it is confidential”. Do we parents have any rights in the UK to find out how our children are doing at a Uni? Thank you

So you think a large institution, there to teach your DD, should know more about her than you her parents?

Do you see how unreasonable this is? There is help and support. I’m at an RG university and we spend a lot on counselling wellbeing etc etc. But if a student doesn’t admit they have a problem and seek the help we have available what do you think we should go? Particularly when you - her parents - didn’t know what was going on.

We are there to teach, not to parent. If you couldn’t do it in 18 years why do you think it’s the university’s responsibility?

Hi OP, I think you need to read this: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5212780-trainees-no-longer-ready-for-workplace?page=23&reply=140032651

If you are concerned about his MH then asking about his grades is literally the worst thing you can do.

Speak to the uni and say you are concerned about his MH and could they do a welfare check on him.

Perhaps arrange a visit to the UK asap.

You need to focus less on him attending uni/his grades and more checking in to see if he’s ok and if he needs to borrow money etc.
I wouldn’t even mention uni to him else he may shut down and stop speaking to you.

These students feel pressure to achieve at uni and worry about their parents expectations, especially if the parents are paying for it.
So anything you say about uni, he’s going to take as pressure, even if you’re not putting pressure on him at all.

What is happening for Xmas is he coming home?

Everyone, is an individual you shoyld know that if you work for a uni.
Of course not all children are ready from their 18th birthday, to be completely mature.Yes some parents do have trouble letting go.
Do you have children? I wonder how you would feell if your child was far away, not communicating possibly not attending his lectures.

Many posters seem to have missed a crucial bit of information

I live abroad, and he is in the UK.
Yes I pay for everything as a single mum.

So that’s a young adult living in a foreign country with no family at all to support him.

Yes they need to learn to be independent blabla.
But being independent and able to go back home for the weekend when you feel like it. Independent in a foreign country vs independent in your home country, maybe in the same area that you’ve always lived.
None of that is comparable.

I can assure you there will have been pastoral care available, plus student counselling, the medical centre etc. but your daughter has to want to engage with any or all of it. If I am someone’s personal tutor, and they don’t show up to an arranged meeting, I reschedule. If they don’t show up again, I will phone them and email to say that I’m there if they need support at any time. Three absences from a seminar means an automatic flag to HoY and personal tutor to check in. But they are adults. I can’t go to their accommodation, and frogmarch them to the student counselling services.

When one of my DCs was at university and was struggling with mental health issues I was incredibly concerned. But I still understood that, legally, my child was an adult and the university did not have the right to divulge information to me without consent.

I would be frantically worried, just as I would if they were 30 and not communicating. But that doesn't mean it's their university's responsibility (or their workplace's) to update me.

DD's grades were dependent on attendance. I can't remember exactly, but it was 5/10% of the final mark. They scan you in and out of seminars, and also monitored on-line attendance if you missed a lecture, by having chats you had to engage with to prove you had covered the material! If DD was unwell, she also got additional notes from friends, and let the tutors know.

I think if you drop off the radar, the tutors do notice and take appropriate action.

I'd demand to know that he was at least attending

I see this verb used quite a lot on MN. How exactly do you go about doing it? Do you just say "I demand" loudly and if they say no then... what?

Except financially - you have to keep financing him. It's a silly system.

I haven’t RTFT but if you’re worried about him, contact the university and tell them. They won’t tell you anything but at ours we would be more vigilant about him and do some digging to find out how they are.

If we don’t know there is an issue we can’t help, but if we do and they will engage with it, there is a lot of support available.

Barbara, we know the Uni, doesn"t have to divulde anything get a grip

The mother just needs to put down some boundaries with her child and tell him she won't be funding him if he doesn't commicate to her.If she's woried about his .emtal health she needs to get on a plane and go and see what's going on.I would as a mother and sod what is seen as being the rightthing to do, because my child is over 18.

If you are concerned about his well-being, then why would you be asking the Uni for his grades? You know you can call the counselling service at Oxford and tell them you are worried about him as he seems to be distancing himself and becoming withdrawn which is out of character…

www.ox.ac.uk/students/welfare/parents

Unless your DC is neurodiverse/SEN and you’ve got a guardianship arrangement like the ones you have to access medical records, advocate for PIP etc, then you won’t be able to access this information unless your DC shares his log ins and passwords with you. It’s frustrating when you have concerns (and are maybe financing the degree/accommodation) but you may need to have a cold hard conversation with your DC about your expectations in exchange for funding.

You are paying for her accommodation, not her education.

The mother just needs to put down some boundaries with her child and tell him she won't be funding him if he doesn't commicate to her.

If the student is at all mentally unwell, this is exactly what not to do.

You absolutely must not and should not check, OP. He is an adult. You have no right to know. By all means ask him, but he may choose not to tell you.

@YellowAsteroid

we spend a lot on counselling wellbeing etc etc......We are there to teach, not to parent. If you couldn’t do it in 18 years why do you think it’s the university’s responsibility

What an offensive and rude reply.
I'm glad that you 'spend a lot on counselling, well-being etc....' but there wasn't help and support - we raised concerns and were told that it was not our business (2010) and the fact is students have died at unis. As other posters have suggested, perhaps there should be a middle ground in the first year at least whereby parents and students could discuss the settling in.
I'd also like to know how drop out rates are measured eg in which year of study, was pastoral care given etc in order to measure the effectiveness of the 'spend a lot on counselling, well-being etc....'

Conversely for some young adults at uni, having a parent who cares enough to ask / notice when someone is struggling, and raise concerns where necessary can make an immense amount of difference to someone who is struggling (and putting it bluntly, could save a life).

Not great for accessibility though.

It hasn’t occurred to me to check my dc’s results - I have asked if he’s coping with the work but the rest is up to him. I think that the changes in society which have kept children away from responsibility and independence have not been helpful. Including the trend towards parents being over-involved at university

You can tell you work for a Uni, or are a real jobsworth.Yeah it's not the Uni's responsibility to tell her anything.She needs to communicate with her son, get over and, chrck out what's going on in the appartmemt she helps pay for.That's what I'd be doing.Telling my darling child in friendly loving terms that she's not paying if he's not attending.
Am.getting of this thread now.

OP I think you need help with your anxiety.

you must see that your post is extreme.

Such a lazy shut down.

https://www.forthe100.org.uk/

Universities do need to have a certain level of duty of care.