How to check my child’s grades at a Uni?

[Snowflake55]

I am in despair as my son refuses to tell me if he is attending Uni at all, let alone to tell me how his grades are! I tried calling his Uni and all they say “it is confidential”. Do we parents have any rights in the UK to find out how our children are doing at a Uni? Thank you

Also had some very useful replies from uni staff of how she can go about it , instead of knocking the poster who is concerned about her son.

Lecturers on this thread have told you the same thing. And unless I'm wrong (I'll happily be proven wrong, but I'll go and look back again now just to be certain) you and others have dug right into them and other uni staff for not helping. In this thread. Why? Because it's not safe to do.

We don't know OP. But many University staff have met toxic and abusive parents and therefore won't even give advice on how to contact University services on an anonymous forum. Because it could be dangerous.

If they want to risk their jobs, fine. 🤷‍♀️ Maybe their university is more lenient. Maybe they haven't been through helping abused students.

Why are they risking their jobs by offering some friendly advice on this forum?

Its funny, because were expected to pay a massive chunk of the costs...

I agree with it being confidential btw, i do think any student should be able to attend University without taking a penny from their parents if they dont want to.

Anonymous advice nonetheless

Poster I do hope you get to find out if your son has been attending uni.
You may want to take some of the useful advice that some uni staff have given to you to find out.

All the best.

@Snowflake55 if you’re still reading this, feel free to send me a message letting me know which uni he is at and I’ll try and find details of the mental health / welfare service. You should be able to get in touch with them and let them know your worries. They won’t be able to tell you anything without his permission but most universities will have some sort of mechanism to check on his welfare.

@Lbet

It might be anonymous, and fair enough that was rather a hyperbolic and flippant statement of mine (which I see has been on both sides, looking at your own posts.)

But lots of lecturers feel that way, anonymous or not. Maybe it won't directly risk their jobs anonymously, but to willingly give advice when they don't know what the outcome will be? That's a moral debate.

This mother is also anonymous. We don't know her from Adam - she could be well meaning. She could not be, as stories on here have told. She's asking for personal information about her adult child. She wouldn't be allowed medical records and she isn't allowed academic ones, for the same reasons. And just as doctors won't come online and tell you how to slip and slide around the loopholes, why should university staff?

Well said @He11oKitty There are several posters on this thread who seem to enjoy baiting university staff who’ve given excellent advice.

The really brusque answers seem to have come from other parents.

If you think your child isn’t ready for university (fair enough, it’s not for everyone) then maybe try to encourage them to go on a gap year

I think, and it’s something you haven’t answered, if a young adult is failing why are they encouraged to continue? Why is it a secret when they give up and start work yet stay in student accommodation? I’m look at the 27 year old in DD’s halls working full time and allowed to stay.

Where’s the responsibility to keep parents informed that their off spring have dropped out and yet they continue to support via a weekly allowance?

I think, and it’s something you haven’t answered, if a young adult is failing why are they encouraged to continue?

This is a tricky one. We do sometimes encourage students who are really struggling to think of something else, but usually they only do once they fail too many modules to continue. We also have criteria that dictate whether they can continue - X passed modules. If they don't meet that standard then they can't continue. If they do meet it, then they have met the criteria to continue and we can't tell them not to, even if we think they shouldn't for whatever reason. Who are we to say they shouldn't plough on and eek out a third (or whatever)?

You can imagine the posts on here if a MNer's PFB had scraped enough passes to continue but was being encouraged to drop out!

Can't answer re accommodation, I have nothing to do with that.

Where’s the responsibility to keep parents informed that their off spring have dropped out and yet they continue to support via a weekly allowance?

None. Students' financial agreements with their families are absolutely none of our business. We do encourage them to talk to their families but it's not our call to make.

It. Is. Not. The. Job. Of. University. Staff.

These are grown fucking adults. Jesus Christ when I was that age I was in uni, working, renting a flat. It was my life. My sister was married and had kids! These aren't children! It's got nothing to do with their parents. If parents want to help, they can do it in their own way.

It might hurt, it is obviously hard to accept and some people do need (and get, privately, from student services and lecturers) help on their own. But they're adults. You wouldn't be able to invite yourself to a smear or prostate exam. So why do you think this is different?

Some students stay on for all kinds of reasons. Some tutor, some go back. Some don't. It's absolutely none of your business.

It's got nothing to do with their parents

So why is my income used to calculate their grants and loans, and I have to subsidize them? Want it both ways?

And it’s my income to buy all the stuff for graduation, book hotels and what not - pay for transport home, you name it. Yes a basic - here’s where your money is going and they are failing - is too much to ask? At least of those paying for the service were given facts - and they are facts - they could pull funding and not waste their money.

@Silvertulips I said this morning that the expectations on parents are fucked up.

But that doesn't mean it's anything to do with the universities.

That's a government issue, go and complain to them. It's got nothing to do with universities.

Also, plenty of uni students get jobs and support themselves.

Also, if you're whinging about booking hotels for graduation and robes? Really? 🤔 How often does that happen?

I didn't go to my graduations. We couldn't afford it, I did them in absentia. As do many students. So there's an option if you can't stand paying for a big day.

40,000 of students drop out every year. Thats a lot.

Im saying they should be some dialogue when parents are paying effectively £30,000 a year for what?

You're not paying £30,000 a year. Your child is. It's them who pay it back.

Im saying they should be some dialogue when parents are paying effectively £30,000 a year for what?

That’s between you and your DC. It’s not the job of university staff to mediate between parents and children or fix their relationships. We educate them, you parent them.

If your parenting has been such that your DC don’t communicate with you - well, that’s sad, but it’s none of the university’s business.

As people keep saying, that’s between you and your adult child. You’re not buying a service.

I can't say I'm as savvy as other posters on here who work in universities, I'm in publishing. All I know is we all paid our own loans back. Got jobs, paid rent.

If you're paying extra, that's on you. Go and talk to your adult DC about how you can manage it if it's a strain. But it has got absolutely nothing to do with the university. Your DC don't owe you and neither do the university.

If you went to a nurse and they gave you cream and it didn't work, would you throw a tantrum at the NHS? Or just accept it didn't work for your skin and try another one or adjust something causing an allergy?

Your agreement is with your child, not the university. The responsibility to keep you updated is theirs and theirs alone. I can’t speak for all universities but at ours a big part of the conversation if someone is struggling is the finances and the impact of staying on. If they choose to ignore that, there is very little we can do except continue to offer support.

Its worth reflecting that one of the reasons that students often continue against the advice of the university is that they don’t want to / don’t feel able to speak to their parents because of the financial aspects.

You're not paying £30,000 a year. Your child is. It's them who pay it back

Its £30,000 over 3 years - university fees are £10K a year roughly - plus £3/4K a year to keep them.

Where I’m from we have to pay, we don’t get grants or loans, the students can’t get grants or loans as they aren’t UK residents.

I have a brilliant relationship with my children: I know who they are doing and their grades - it’s not about my child.

As we are paying I would like some update occasionally to ensure they are doing their best for the funds you are receiving.

It’s up to me what I pay? What choice do I have? Let them starve? Become homeless?

I know a fair number of students that don’t attend any lectures - they are on a path to failure and yet they aren’t advised to stop attending - to carry on.

We most definitely are paying for a service: