Nursery form teacher handed us a bag of poo

[ButterscotchWhip]

Right. I'll try to keep it short, but I don't think it will be.

DD has just turned 3. A couple of weeks ago she started in the nursery class of what I've now realised is quite a formal and strict girls' independent school. It is highly regarded locally, and me and DH loved it when we looked round, but I now fear I've done myself and DD up like a kipper sending her here.

She's fully potty trained but (my fault) I don't think I got her onto actual toilet training quickly enough. September has rolled around and she's just not 100% there on toilet training. I tell the staff this and they seem ok with it at first. I offer to send in her carry potty (which she loves and uses well) - they say no. The class is large, and the way they do toilet trips is to take a group to the loos and then the teacher stands nearby. It's just not enough support for DD, and she's had a lot of accidents there (for which we receive intense FIRST AID NOTIFICATION emails as they have to change her). Anyway, she's now never telling them when she needs to go, and she is running away from the loo at home saying she doesn't like the toilet (and started crying about it yesterday too).

We get an email from her form teacher this week saying she must now be in nappies during school time. DH emails back and says we certainly don't support this idea, she's on the right path but in a brand new environment, nappies will confuse her and send her learning backwards etc. He suggests that if this issue is one of a lack of resource / low levels of staffing, then that's a worry. He's not rude, just quite straight up.

The next morning at 9am, I receive a call from school saying DH must be collected and taken home for a bath as she's soiled herself AND they will not allow her back in school unless she's in pull-ups. I am not free to get her, neither is DH, but our son's carer/nanny is and happily collects her. She finds DD just needs a good wipe, not really a bath. Upon arriving at reception to receive DD, our nanny is given a binliner. It transpires this contains DD's soiled knickers, THE ENTIRE TURD, and all the wipes they have already used on DD's guilty bum (barf).

I haven't said anything in response to any staff yet as we already have a catch-up meeting, face to face, with the form teacher tomorrow. But presuming that they have a rubbish bin in school, I think the sh*t-bag might have been a thinly veiled message of hostility, no?

I am boggling from all this. Would genuinely love to hear what other MNers would do now!

Someone would make a fortune if they could come up with a way to regulate little ones so they only go at home!

When my DS was at kindergarten at 4yrs I took his bottle to meet him and made him lay down on the back seat - then I saw the doctor's wife doing the same.

This is horrific. A nursery should be able to dispose of a full child turd. It is OK to put soiled pants in a bag but to put a full solid poo into a bag is absolutely shocking....The nursery is shocking..

Your child isn't suited to this setting place her elsewhere or get her properly trained asap

Private day Nurseries are set up for children who are not toilet trained. They have more staff to deal with them and have the bio waste facilities. It takes two members of staff to change a child with soiled clothes leaving fewer staff to deal with the rest of the class. You are probably best either putting her in pull-ups while making a concerted effort to get her used to the toilet. Otherwise you might be better to move her to a private day nursery.

I thought this was for a school age child at first, but this is a nursery?

Incredulous that they expect her to go back in nappies.

Take her out and make a complaint to Ofsted.

Goodness me, what a terrible situation with the poo bag. Who does this?!
They seem unable to respond to her needs. She's only 3.
What happened to getting it right for every child?
Complain. Write to the care commission. And find a new nursery.
Before this situation has any lasting impact on your child.

I remember DS at this age and he was in pull-ups for nursery. He was half toilet-trained. I was very lucky that I found him a warm, caring nursery and he bonded very quickly with an older lady there who looked after him well. It took a few bad experiences before I found this place and I never had anyone send home a bag of soiled pants plus poo!
I agree with pps, get her out, make a complaint and find somewhere more suitable. She could do half days maybe. DS loved going for just 3 hours, 3 days a week at first. Good luck.

I think it's ok to have the rule, but they must be explicit in their advertising.
Not acceptable to have different expectations once the child arrives in school.
I was planning to put our s in school when he reached 3y but it's put me off tbh.

I'm truly sorry about what happened to your daughter. I can sympathise as a mother to two DDs.

I'm a nursery class teacher and I have one TA with 30 children in the class. It's very chaotic at times. Our children are free to use the toilet at any time, on top of toilet trips in groups. As someone else mentioned, we aim to teach maths, phonics etc in groups, so if a child has a toilet accident, although totally understandable because of their age, it causes disruption. We are very sympathetic, supportive and understanding when it happens. If it's a poo accident we would need to ask a TA from another class to come and assist my TA with the changing, or 29 children would be left unsupervised if I went to help. I wish I had an extra TA in the class at all times to help with such situations, but unfortunately that is not the case.

I imagine that the poo in the bag was caused by lack of time/busy environment with many young children needing attention at the same time. Could it have been a situation similar to this? We would have probably binned everything if they were very soiled, but would need to check school policy regarding disposing.

My advice would be to take your daughter out of the school for a week or so to toilet train her, or use the half term break. Good luck.

I would move her to a different nursery, especially if she now seems upset about going to the toilet

I think I'd gift wrap the turd and send it to the head teacher with a letter of resignation. They sound like they are training robots not kind, caring human beings. Run, run like the wind 🤖💩

Unpopular opinion warning.
My advice? Take a week off work and actual do some parenting. She's three for christ sake. Stop waiting for her to 'pick it up' and actively potty train her properly. No 3 year old without SEN should be doing this. Take some responsibility. We need to stop normalising that it's ok for 3 year olds to be having shit accidents!

(nursery also sounds terrible, stop being snobby and find a better run one too)

For goodness sake. Has no-one read the update? There was an error and the bag was supposed to be put in the bin, not sent home. And the nursery is now being helpful and supportive.

Again, take the trouble to read OP 's update.

This thread is insane. The last 100 posts are all from people reacting to the OP without reading OP 's update.

Bloody hell I'm always moaning about parents who haven't potty trained their 5 year olds with Dsis who is a teacher but your child is 3 for heavens sake!!! DS still needed lots of help at 3. I can't believe their attitude. I'd have my child out before he developed a permanent complex.

I feel like people are leaving it far too late to start toilet training.

We've had the bag of poo thing. The second time a really nice worker whispered to me that she just threw out her underwear. So I got the impression that the bag is the "proper way"

I'd move her. It's just not the right place for her. She is not fully toilet trained and this is not a good toileting environment for her. It sounds like it's been very upsetting for her and the staff are trying to tell you that.

How pretentious for a nursery group to have a FORM TEACHER. That would have been a massive red flag for me

Their attitude is probably not on but you really cannot expect to put a child into pre school that's not toilet trained. That's not their job at all and it's not their job to peel poops off of her clothing either before returning to you. Either you put her in pull ups mean time or get her actually toilet trained

Lol at your DH saying the poo bag made him feel "sad". There's a whole thread about that atm which he may enjoy (or not):

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5173878-that-makes-me-feel-sad-is-this-the-new-be-kind?page=1

This 100%. It's my responsibility as a parent to check that the place I'm sending my child can/will meet their needs, not just send them & expect the pre-school to deal with it. For a 3 years old, toileting arrangements would be pretty high up on my list of questions to ask. And if I'm not convinced it's the right setting, then it's my-our-job as parents to help our child be toilet trained before sending them out into someone else's care.

Light hearted banter, some people need to get a sense of humour and have the pole extracted from their rectum. Obviously not a serious recommendation, jeeeeez!

Your child is in nappies full-time at nearly 3?

Isn't the bigger issue on this thread not the bag of poo and soiled underwear sent home, or that OP's daughter understandably isn't toilet trained at 3, but that OP has been sending her in to pre school wearing regular pants, knowing that she wasn't toilet trained.

In all honesty you hear a lot of stories similar to this about school nurseries and it was something I was never keen on for mine. They’re still so little at 3 and really need some love and security. They can be brilliant settings for autumn born children who are ready for school but I just don’t think you get the same sort of care for the youngest children at a pre-school compared to a nursery.

Given waiting lists you might not have a huge amount of choice if your old nursery can’t take her back but hopefully she settles and starts to enjoy.