Nursery form teacher handed us a bag of poo

[ButterscotchWhip]

Right. I'll try to keep it short, but I don't think it will be.

DD has just turned 3. A couple of weeks ago she started in the nursery class of what I've now realised is quite a formal and strict girls' independent school. It is highly regarded locally, and me and DH loved it when we looked round, but I now fear I've done myself and DD up like a kipper sending her here.

She's fully potty trained but (my fault) I don't think I got her onto actual toilet training quickly enough. September has rolled around and she's just not 100% there on toilet training. I tell the staff this and they seem ok with it at first. I offer to send in her carry potty (which she loves and uses well) - they say no. The class is large, and the way they do toilet trips is to take a group to the loos and then the teacher stands nearby. It's just not enough support for DD, and she's had a lot of accidents there (for which we receive intense FIRST AID NOTIFICATION emails as they have to change her). Anyway, she's now never telling them when she needs to go, and she is running away from the loo at home saying she doesn't like the toilet (and started crying about it yesterday too).

We get an email from her form teacher this week saying she must now be in nappies during school time. DH emails back and says we certainly don't support this idea, she's on the right path but in a brand new environment, nappies will confuse her and send her learning backwards etc. He suggests that if this issue is one of a lack of resource / low levels of staffing, then that's a worry. He's not rude, just quite straight up.

The next morning at 9am, I receive a call from school saying DH must be collected and taken home for a bath as she's soiled herself AND they will not allow her back in school unless she's in pull-ups. I am not free to get her, neither is DH, but our son's carer/nanny is and happily collects her. She finds DD just needs a good wipe, not really a bath. Upon arriving at reception to receive DD, our nanny is given a binliner. It transpires this contains DD's soiled knickers, THE ENTIRE TURD, and all the wipes they have already used on DD's guilty bum (barf).

I haven't said anything in response to any staff yet as we already have a catch-up meeting, face to face, with the form teacher tomorrow. But presuming that they have a rubbish bin in school, I think the sh*t-bag might have been a thinly veiled message of hostility, no?

I am boggling from all this. Would genuinely love to hear what other MNers would do now!

Nursery nurse here....bag with poo & the soiled pants...where exactly do you expect them to wash them???
In the bathroom sink?
The cleaner's cupboard?
Or maybe the kitchen sink?

Or on your magical mystery tour around the setting when you first visited did you perhaps find a sluice or a secret poo washing sink hidden away somewhere??

The majority of nurseries don't have a set up to be able to wash shitty knickers therefore they're sent home for the parents to deal with.

Ps...it's also normal for (some) children to regress with their toileting at some point...especially if there's a change in routine, starting somewhere new etc.

Good luck going forward

Absolutely no need to send the poo or dirty wipes home, but she’s not toilet trained by your own admission so I think she probably should be going in pull ups. My son wasn’t quite there when he started nursery so I put him in pull ups until I was confident that he was, but he wore pants at home. It didn’t take long until he was ready to wear them at nursery. He was only in nursery half days though…

This doesn't sound like the right place for your daughter. I was handed a bag of pooey pants when my son was in the preschool class of nursery, I went to drop them in a nappy bucket and was surprised some poo fell out as well! I had assumed they would separate it and drop it into the toilet but fair enough I suppose it's not really their job! Although when I taught Reception and the children had occasional accidents I'm sure we wouldn't have sent the poo home in the pants!

Your baby has only just turned three ans is expected to behave like a 5 year old

Not appropriate at all. Find somewhere more nurturing

I think some nurseries do this, give soiled undies back and it may be because some families can't afford to throw away the underwear and need to clean it. Some toilet training children will go through a lot undies and families can't afford to treat them like nappies and it's unreasonable to expect a nursery nurse to separate the poo out.

I'd maybe consider accepting she isn't potty trained, use pull-ups as an interim plan and teach her properly in half term.

My nursery would have binned the wipes!

And the pants...as would any parent

Go to the head. This is very odd behaviour.
Your dd maybe better off in toilet training pants -material, not pull ups. I understand it’s hard for the staff, but it is part of their job.

I'd imagine some parents would complain (bizarrely) at the pants being binned.

It's obviously not nice for your dd though.

When my 20 something children started pre-school back in the day at 2 and a half, they were all expected to be fully toilet trained. I do wonder why it all happens so much later these days.

This is just madness. I've worked in Early Years for over 25yrs, nursery staff should be encouraging toilet training, not going backwards with it. It's part of their job! Staff should be fine cleaning up nursery aged child after an accident provided they are not in a room by themselves for safeguarding reasons. And we wonder why so many children hit school age and still can't use the toilet.

In a nursery they will have more than 1 teacher in the room. It’s the law as op states it’s a large class. From memory I think it’s 1:4 but could be more

Sounds like your DD would be better in her old nursery especially if she has gone from being toilet trained to regulary having accidents every day.

This is going to end up in the media, isn't it?

They will still need to change and clean her if she poos in the pull up.

This!
They sound so unrealistic about the whole business, and your poor DD sounds like she's developing 'performance anxiety'. As for sending her stuff home like that and giving you the turd offering too...absolutely off the charts twattish and unnecessary behaviour 😮😡
I feel so sad/angry on your behalf!
DS2 didn't master the poo stuff until he was about 3 1/2 but his nursery were brilliant with it all. Kids are all so different.
The last thing anyone needs is shame attached to going to the toilet.

Oh dear. If this indicative if the school’s attitude towards the children, take her out immediately.

OP admitted in her original post that they weren't quite there with toilet training, so she started at pre school in regular pants while OP knew she wasn't quite toilet trained.

Gosh, how horrible. So sorry you and your DD have been treated like this. Please know it is not at all 'your fault' (or, obviously, your DD's!) for not getting her au fait with the toilet before she started - she is just barely 3 and these things click when they click - there's not much you can do to speed things along even if you wanted to (and the effects of trying to do so could be much more damaging anyway!). Sounds like this teacher/school have completely unrealistic expectations of a 3 year old and need to get over themselves and accept that if they want to run a nursery class they'll be dealing with a lot of wee and poo. Heck, the reception teachers in my eldest's school consider the odd accident to be par for the course (and they're right, too).

Which doesnt mean the can go to the toilet when they like. It will be designated break and lunches only, if they actually get a chance at break and lunch 😅

I don’t mean to sound rude but having read your post several times, I would honestly remove your daughter from this place ASAP. she’s a tiny 3! My son didn’t manage to use a toilet until he was 4 and no one ever made him feel ashamed or panicked at nursery. . I’d be inclined to tell them to stick their money where the sun doesn’t shine because this behaviour is exactly how kids grow up with complexes. The reason I kept soiling myself well into my late primary years was because of being very harshly judged at school for needing help in the toilet. I spent many a day siting in soiled underclothes at school. But I wasn’t 3! Result for me: 30- odd years of digestive and bladder problems resulting in terrible anxiety from holding in the need to go to the toilet unless at home. Consider getting her out of there if you can. They dont deserve your money or your little girl.

For context, i will add that we have been TT with my 2y10mo DD since June and she still has an accident or two most days. All I ever hear from her preschool about this is how well she is doing to make it to the loo most of the time, and would i mind please signing the changing book (and i am FAR from being the only parent being asked to do this!)

If you need to educate the school/teacher, point them to eric.org.uk to get informed!

This, absolutely.

I don't care how academic this place is, this behaviour by adults is filthy and abusive to both you and your daughter. I suggest poo is probably not the only extreme situation these children face, judgung by the utter balls on them.

Please remove her.

I would also raise the bag "of delights" from this abuse farm with the governors and any private school review site available.

They shouldn't have sent the dirty wipes home but the knickers yes, then the parents can decide whether to bin or wash. Ours were always fine after being soaked in nappy cleanser then washed. 3 year olds can have accidents, it's a waste to throw pants away if they can be cleaned.

A private school's job is not to patch the gaps in your parenting.

Your daughter is sh*tting herself at school and you expect minimum wage employees to wade through her feces to separate it from her knickers to return it to you? I'm not surprised they've had enough. It's not school's job to potty train your child, who quite frankly, should be potty trained at 3.

Umm - do they not have toilets to chuck the poo down?

I would say to them “Thank you so much for sending us a poo. We’re not actually collecting them though so in future there’s really no need.” It’s absolutely gross to send you a poo.

I wasn’t expecting any washing. I was expecting the bag to go in the bin. And that was where they were intending it to go, I’ve since discovered.