Nursery form teacher handed us a bag of poo

[ButterscotchWhip]

Right. I'll try to keep it short, but I don't think it will be.

DD has just turned 3. A couple of weeks ago she started in the nursery class of what I've now realised is quite a formal and strict girls' independent school. It is highly regarded locally, and me and DH loved it when we looked round, but I now fear I've done myself and DD up like a kipper sending her here.

She's fully potty trained but (my fault) I don't think I got her onto actual toilet training quickly enough. September has rolled around and she's just not 100% there on toilet training. I tell the staff this and they seem ok with it at first. I offer to send in her carry potty (which she loves and uses well) - they say no. The class is large, and the way they do toilet trips is to take a group to the loos and then the teacher stands nearby. It's just not enough support for DD, and she's had a lot of accidents there (for which we receive intense FIRST AID NOTIFICATION emails as they have to change her). Anyway, she's now never telling them when she needs to go, and she is running away from the loo at home saying she doesn't like the toilet (and started crying about it yesterday too).

We get an email from her form teacher this week saying she must now be in nappies during school time. DH emails back and says we certainly don't support this idea, she's on the right path but in a brand new environment, nappies will confuse her and send her learning backwards etc. He suggests that if this issue is one of a lack of resource / low levels of staffing, then that's a worry. He's not rude, just quite straight up.

The next morning at 9am, I receive a call from school saying DH must be collected and taken home for a bath as she's soiled herself AND they will not allow her back in school unless she's in pull-ups. I am not free to get her, neither is DH, but our son's carer/nanny is and happily collects her. She finds DD just needs a good wipe, not really a bath. Upon arriving at reception to receive DD, our nanny is given a binliner. It transpires this contains DD's soiled knickers, THE ENTIRE TURD, and all the wipes they have already used on DD's guilty bum (barf).

I haven't said anything in response to any staff yet as we already have a catch-up meeting, face to face, with the form teacher tomorrow. But presuming that they have a rubbish bin in school, I think the sh*t-bag might have been a thinly veiled message of hostility, no?

I am boggling from all this. Would genuinely love to hear what other MNers would do now!

I have to say this whole situation is very bizarre. Why on earth do they expect 3 year olds to hold it until the whole class goes together? It's normal for 3 year olds to need support with toileting. As for sending her home for a bath when she just needs wiping? I would honestly start looking for a new nursery, this one sounds horrendous for your DD.

I'd tell them to get fucked and move my child to a normal nursery

Poor DD

My DD is 2.9 and maybe just about ready for us to think about potty training so this is very weird to me.
I would ask for a meeting with the head of the nursery department to raise your concerns. If they can't be more empathetic I would move her. Were you intending for her to move up to the school?

Run...

Definitely move her. This is just bizarre!

Id move her to a nursery which understands normal child development and puts in place routines for the good of the children, not just the good of the staff. 3 year olds, even fully toilet trained, should not be forced to stick to a toilet schedule.

If she stays there she will go backwards with potty training.

I get that you may lose money moving her. But this is ridiculous.

Why aren't you arranging a meeting with the head? Totally unacceptable behaviour. WTF?!

Nursery/pre-prep classes of independent schools expect children to be fully toilet trained before starting. It's not right but that's the point of private schooling, they pick and choose who they want.

Send her to a normal nursery.

I should have mentioned: they do let the kids go to the toilet outside the group loo visit times, if they ask to go.

Move her to a smaller nursery where the staff do have time to care for toddlers properly, it sounds like something in the Victorian times where they all march out in line to use the toilet

We once had the poo returned in the bag with soiled pants from a "normal" nursery. There's just no need.

I don't like the sound of their attitude and that would put me off completely, but presuming they told you that they needed to be fully toilet trained, then it's unfortunate your DD is having to try and get to grips with that at the same time as everything else.

I'd depressurise the whole situation and move her somewhere cuddly and friendly.

3 years old don't always ask, especially if they are scared or engrossed in something, they can't just hold it in.

This is what I'm considering!

This is outrageous. This sounds like a horrible environment for your DD and would make me worry that they have other uncaring attitudes- she is a little 3 year old ffs!

DS is at a nursery attached to a quite traditional prep and they also expect them fully trained and independent. I highly doubt they would tolerate a potty being sent in and they also do the group trips with a teacher hovering outside, but they can take themselves at other times too. DS has had a couple of instances where he’s struggled to wipe after a poo so we’ve been told to supply flushable wipes and reminded that he has to learn! Based on that I think their tolerance would be low for proper regular accidents. It’s a qualified teacher leading the class and a higher ratio as a result so it’s definitely more a school than nursery environment which doesn’t suit all. So none of what you’ve said massively surprises me. It’s just whether it’s the best environment for your DD right now, she might be better in a day nursery right now then starting the prep for reception, assuming that’s what you want.

Good lord it sounds awful. They sound like they are traumatising your child!

Though my son’s private (and lovely) nursery did once give us his soiled pants in a bag and it contained the entire poo. Lovely.

I was fortunate in that my daughter was toilet trained just after her second birthday. She had a thing about bodily functions so wouldn't use a potty as the wee/poo was too close to her (apparently). However, most of her friends were like your child. Move her to a more child-friendly nursery. You can still enrol her at the school when she is ready for Reception (that is, if you still want her there - 5 and 6 year olds still wet themselves occasionally).

They didn't specify anything at all about it either at registration or when we got emailed all the new starter bumf in the summer. I naively assumed that being very new / inconsistent with the loo would be ok at nursery level.

Ive had a poo sent home a number of times, not sure why they do that, but my bigger concern would be their attitude. I would make a formal complaint and then leave.

Move her!!!!

That's inhuman. How would the teacher like it if someone else told them when they can go to the toilet?!

They sound utterly barmy and totally unrealistic and uncaring. I don't think I could let me child return.

I also had a whole turd returned to me in a bag. This thing was solid, not mushed onto the pants. I discovered it as it bounced off the kitchen floor when I unpacked the nursery bag to put a wash on. I assume that nursery worker really didn't like me as it could easily have been popped in the toilet and flushed rather than packed up.

It sounds like this place is impacting your daughter's confidence. I personally would be moving her somewhere else unless they can support her better. By that I mean monitor her properly while this calms down, starting by taking her to the toilet every hour to help normalise it for her and praising her for going, before moving to a more reactive approach when she's comfortable with them.

I agree. And thank you for making me laugh re: the bouncing turd. What a treat.

With the greatest respect though, they are a preschool with an expectation that your child was toilet trained. If she wasn’t, you shouldn’t have sent her there. They will of course tolerate the odd accident but it really isn’t for them to be dealing with an an un toilet trained child. They won’t have the staffing.
The actual turd in a bag was probably a mistake - but should they really be dealing with separating turds and knickers in the first place? Probably not.

Bin bag with EVERYTHING is standard procedure. They don’t have the facilities in-room to deal with biowaste so it gets quickly bagged and becomes the parents problem.

we used cheap clothing we didn’t care about for this age do the one time we got the bag of doom, it just went into the trash.

if your child is having trouble with the transition, you aren’t doing her any favors by refusing pull-ups. It doesn’t need to be a full nappy, but use something more appropriate for her circumstances while she adjusts.

Another option is to consider shorter days so she is less likely to have an incident.