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Original poster

Nursery form teacher handed us a bag of poo

450 replies

ButterscotchWhip · 26/09/2024 14:25

Right. I'll try to keep it short, but I don't think it will be.

DD has just turned 3. A couple of weeks ago she started in the nursery class of what I've now realised is quite a formal and strict girls' independent school. It is highly regarded locally, and me and DH loved it when we looked round, but I now fear I've done myself and DD up like a kipper sending her here.

She's fully potty trained but (my fault) I don't think I got her onto actual toilet training quickly enough. September has rolled around and she's just not 100% there on toilet training. I tell the staff this and they seem ok with it at first. I offer to send in her carry potty (which she loves and uses well) - they say no. The class is large, and the way they do toilet trips is to take a group to the loos and then the teacher stands nearby. It's just not enough support for DD, and she's had a lot of accidents there (for which we receive intense FIRST AID NOTIFICATION emails as they have to change her). Anyway, she's now never telling them when she needs to go, and she is running away from the loo at home saying she doesn't like the toilet (and started crying about it yesterday too).

We get an email from her form teacher this week saying she must now be in nappies during school time. DH emails back and says we certainly don't support this idea, she's on the right path but in a brand new environment, nappies will confuse her and send her learning backwards etc. He suggests that if this issue is one of a lack of resource / low levels of staffing, then that's a worry. He's not rude, just quite straight up.

The next morning at 9am, I receive a call from school saying DH must be collected and taken home for a bath as she's soiled herself AND they will not allow her back in school unless she's in pull-ups. I am not free to get her, neither is DH, but our son's carer/nanny is and happily collects her. She finds DD just needs a good wipe, not really a bath. Upon arriving at reception to receive DD, our nanny is given a binliner. It transpires this contains DD's soiled knickers, THE ENTIRE TURD, and all the wipes they have already used on DD's guilty bum (barf).

I haven't said anything in response to any staff yet as we already have a catch-up meeting, face to face, with the form teacher tomorrow. But presuming that they have a rubbish bin in school, I think the sh*t-bag might have been a thinly veiled message of hostility, no?

I am boggling from all this. Would genuinely love to hear what other MNers would do now!

OP posts:
mrsnjw · 26/09/2024 15:21

I'm not defending the school in anyway but we cannot dispose of dirty nappies in a normal bin. We have to use a nappy bin that's a bit like a sanitary bin and gets collected separately from normal rubbish, it might be the school doesn't have this type of bin. I would have flushed the poo down the toilet and given you the soiled clothes and wipes.

UnbeatenMum · 26/09/2024 15:21

It seems bizarre that they'll take her in nappies but not let her take her own potty. Isn't that a backwards step? My children's preschool always flushed the poo but maybe they're changing her in a room that's not the toilet?

Button28384738 · 26/09/2024 15:21

Seems extremely strange that they have a nursery class of 3 year olds and are making this much of a big deal about toilet accidents?! Even in a class of toilet trained children accidents happen right?

When my DDs were toilet training they said if knickers were very soiled they sometimes threw them out and was I ok with that or did I want them to always return them (I was fine with them being thrown out).

Tbh I can understand them returning the soiled knickers that they probably didn't want to handle too much, but the wipes? That's weird.

It sounds like they are making your DD very stressed about using the toilet too which isn't good at all. If this were me I would be changing schools.

BurbageBrook · 26/09/2024 15:24

That is disgusting and so far beyond the realm of acceptable it's almost hard to believe!

Scottishskifun · 26/09/2024 15:26

Why are you paying for somewhere which causes your DD to go backwards?

3 year olds should be having fun running around, exploring and yes the occasional accident not having to stick a hand up to ask to go to the toilet or new fearing potty training!
Send her to somewhere where she is supported and can be guided not somewhere which isn't going to help.

My 2.5 year old is coming home from nursery/ante preschool with up to 3 changes of clothes sometimes as hes still learning at home hes fine but we can catch him quicker. Potty training can take a while to get and they often have fun exploring. His nursery asked for soiled underwear was I happy them putting his underwear (emptied) into a bag or they could put it on their wash.....(I said bag is fine).

PrettyPickle · 26/09/2024 15:26

Personally speaking, in an ideal world you should have your child toilet trained by the time they start school but to me, being three and at a nursery (even if attached to the school) implies they are still toddlers and may have some training to be done.

I also think there is a vast difference between telling a parent what is expected and traumatising the child in the process. Having said that, if its one teacher they can hardly be running in and out to the toilet all the time with the toddlers or supervising them on the potty.

My main concern here would be how the school are dealing with this, its as if there is a long established history of non compliance. Sending used wipes and poop back is unforgiveable.

Personally I would express my concern, the obvious fact that you cannot just instruct a child to start using a loo and expecting them to obey and that in the meantime they are traumatising your daughter and making it a whole lot harder than it needs to be. If they are not willing to work with you, find somewhere else.

Brightredtulips · 26/09/2024 15:27

I wonder what they say to her when she's in the toilet. I'd be really concerned about that. They sound very strange indeed. No nurturing or caring.

Pooeyskewy · 26/09/2024 15:27

I felt really sad reading your post . From my own personal experience with a close relative ,my advice is to deal with the anxiety this is causing your DD
. She most definitely does not benefit from being in such a negative environment,shaming her when she has a poo accident. It really can lead to a long term problem with pooing!
We think that a negative experience at nursery has lead to a big problem with a relative who is terrified of using a potty or loo to poo in which means regular accidents. We have now resorted to pull ups for poo time . Long term constipation can be a consequence as well.

PandaWorld · 26/09/2024 15:30

I can't believe they handed you dirty wipes and nappy . Disgusting.
Almost like they are presenting you with evidence that it happened. Absolutely bizarre behaviour.

I think you need to change nursery.

SchoolyStuff · 26/09/2024 15:31

I would move and never go back. Your child's anxiety is a bad sign and might be hard to reverse if you don't remove her from the setting quickly.

mrsnjw · 26/09/2024 15:33

Children are coming to school in nappies more frequently now. Older schools do not have appropriate nappy changing facilities and even if we did we couldn't take them off to change them because we wouldn't have the appropriate number of staff to supervise the other children. I wonder if the new government has factored this in when they start using unused classrooms for babies 🤔🙄

BarbaraHoward · 26/09/2024 15:34

Our private daycare nursery will take them at any stage of training and are happy to deal with accidents etc.

Our preschool nursery will only take them trained unless there's exceptional circumstances - obviously they know accidents happen but I don't think they'd be keen on dealing with regular accidents from anyone unless there were wider issues going on. They're a school, not childcare, and as such don't have the staff or the adults to be spending a lot of time on toileting.

Pooeyskewy · 26/09/2024 15:34

SchoolyStuff · 26/09/2024 15:31

I would move and never go back. Your child's anxiety is a bad sign and might be hard to reverse if you don't remove her from the setting quickly.

This 100% …this could be the beginning of a bigger and longer issue if the poor child develops a fear around pooing!

Sunbeamed · 26/09/2024 15:34

This is what private schools are like. As soon as you don’t ’fit in’ they don’t give a shit (or do in this case)

mrsnjw · 26/09/2024 15:35

The school probably doesn't have a bin to dispose of soiled waste.

Ozanj · 26/09/2024 15:36

DS’ independant school also expected all preschoolers to be fully poo trained at 3 when they started. They only tolerate wee accidents. The children who couldn’t do this were expelled. I think as a parent you owed it to your dd to look into this sooner

DrunkTinkerbell40s · 26/09/2024 15:36

Like a PP said, I'd be worried about what they say to your daughter when she has an accident. Are they sympathetic or cross with her...
My son had poo accidents until he was maybe 5 at primary school!! He regularly came home with soiled pants and clothes, but they never sent a solid poo home! They were always kind to him and just accepted some take longer... and this was a school I wasn't paying for!!!!
I think this is terrible of a 'nursery'.

DrunkTinkerbell40s · 26/09/2024 15:37

Ozanj · 26/09/2024 15:36

DS’ independant school also expected all preschoolers to be fully poo trained at 3 when they started. They only tolerate wee accidents. The children who couldn’t do this were expelled. I think as a parent you owed it to your dd to look into this sooner

A child would be expelled after one poo accident?!? Seriously?! Doesn't sound like a very nurturing caring school for a 3 year old.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 26/09/2024 15:38

Scheduled toilet times for 3 year olds? Dahek??? No way.

Pooeyskewy · 26/09/2024 15:38

mrsnjw · 26/09/2024 15:35

The school probably doesn't have a bin to dispose of soiled waste.

Surely any school with little people would have a box of poo sacks for JIC . A child must have a poo / wee accident in every school ,in every country every day !!

Moveornot2 · 26/09/2024 15:39

Many nurseries for the independent schools specify that children must be toilet trained before starting. We kept ours in normal private nursery until school for that reason and had great support with toilet training - they probably took are of 80% off it. I would move for that reason.

They probably don't have the empathy and support techniques required and it will be upsetting for your child and you. I would just move and the issue will resolve. Atleast you have a good idea of the school from earlier (i.e if it were me I wouldnt send there even for reception / after toilet training, just looks like a complete lack of support and empathy)

BarbaraHoward · 26/09/2024 15:39

AgainandagainandagainSS · 26/09/2024 15:38

Scheduled toilet times for 3 year olds? Dahek??? No way.

OP has said they can go whenever they need to as well, so I suspect it's more about building regular toilet visits into the day to make sure the ones who won't go off their own bat just yet get the nudge.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 26/09/2024 15:39

Ozanj · 26/09/2024 15:36

DS’ independant school also expected all preschoolers to be fully poo trained at 3 when they started. They only tolerate wee accidents. The children who couldn’t do this were expelled. I think as a parent you owed it to your dd to look into this sooner

are you serious?
Most schools expect you yo have attempted potty training by 3 (OP has done) but would of course expect accidents in such little children.

CrispieCake · 26/09/2024 15:40

It's not the right setting for her. Move her.

GreenWheat · 26/09/2024 15:41

Sunbeamed · 26/09/2024 15:34

This is what private schools are like. As soon as you don’t ’fit in’ they don’t give a shit (or do in this case)

Exactly this. Lots of these naice girls' prep schools essentially want nice, easy, compliant little girls, and that's all they are equipped to handle. Any deviation from the tracks and they are not interested.