Parents’ WhatsApp Group vile comments

[MadeleineMummy]

i am a member of my year’s WhatsApp group and one of the parents has posted rather a vile comment about one of the teachers. The child got a bad mark and the parent said she looked at the homework and the questions were ambiguous and badly worded. She then had a rant at the (rather young) teacher and said that she told her daughter that the teacher was an idiot and to ignore her. I posted that this was not an appropriate thing to say and would undermine the discipline in the school. Then several other women started having a go at me also stating concerns with the teacher due to her harsh marking and strictness. They said the WhatsApp group was the place to discuss concerns about the teacher and if I did not like it, I could leave the group.

I think the comments are inappropriate but also find the group invaluable for school issues, last minute changes and information about trips etc. but I find a small group of women seem to have taken over the group to rant about one teacher and victimise her. My child says she is strict but likes her as she is a good teacher and she loves the subject.

I feel like telling the teacher or the school as I have taken screenshots of the conversations, the comments are pretty bad and includes stuff about her personal life along the lines of (“she obviously needs a good shag”, “She looks like a frump”, etc). Do you think it would create a bad feeling if I share this with her? I also don’t know what it would achieve if I broach this with the school but I think that undermining a teacher is the most appropriate use of the whatsApp parents group.

what should I do?

It really is no wonder that some children become bullies when there are parents like this. How dare they feel so justified in tearing a person down. Commenting on her sex life and appearance is not holding her to account.

Do these mums have a life outside of their children? It’s as though the school gates are these women’s whole identity.

That is horrible and some parents will just have a go regardless if she was the best teacher ever. I would not say anything to the head at all as it could backfire onto your child. Just go on the group when you need updates as to what is going on in the school but I would keep quiet just for the sake of your child. They sound horrible, fine if they do not like the teacher but the personal remarks show how vile they are. I am not on whatsapp as could not be arsed with all the crap that goes on.

Absolutely this.

When my son was a senior school he said the teachers only used to actually teach for half the lesson because they spent the first half an hour on crowd control. This school had no workable disciplinary process for low level disruption because the head was one of those limp lettuces some of you vipers would like in your school so your little darlings never got told off or criticised for poor work. The fact that these people stooped to abuse rather than criticising the teacher for anything specific speaks volumes (if she was screaming at the children or scapegoating particular kids for no reason this would be a different story but this would have come up in the WhatsApp messages).

OP there will be some nice parents in the group that don't want to get involved because they don't want to be dragged into the drama, so don't worry about it if the nasty whinghers drop you from the group, just start your own WhatsApp group with a small number of nicer parents.

I would tell the Head too. They need to know this kind of thing as it could escalate and they could start to directly pick on the teacher or get the kids to start acting out in school.

As for anyone who talks about snitching as if they're the grown up! Seriously you haven't got over your school days yourselves. Were you the Queen Bee at school? If people behave badly they deserve to be brought to account. It's this kind of thing that led to the appalling, misogynistic behaviour by the Metropolitan Police and it thrived because of the 'no snitching' culture.

I'm delighted to say I've managed to avoid having any relationships online or otherwise with parents at our school, except one, where the other child ended up bullying my daughter, so that went into the toilet. My advice is as always, do not speak to them, do not make eye contact, pretend you are invisible. I complained about the bullying in my daughters class and I am now a social pariah. There seems to be an unwritten rule that you do not speak up, and if you do, you will be punished. I'm sorry to say that it appears the concerns and convenience of adults will always be put ahead of the safety and well-being of the child. I'm glad I did it and I'd do it all again if I had to. Leave the group.

I'm actually quite shocked people would make comments like that on a WhatsApp group.

I would just leave the WhatsApp group. Don’t the school email letters/ have an app? No one relies on letters in bags in 2023 surely. Maybe take up the poor comms with the school.

I’m not. The way a lot of kids behave at school it comes from somewhere.

@MadeleineMummy could you report this to the headteacher or at least have an informal chat with them. I'd probably be planning my exit though too because I wouldn't want my kids there!

God agreed. What awful immature parents. I can't imagine piling on about a teacher and making abusive comments. It's nasty sneery bitchy behaviour and thoroughly unpleasant. How an earth can the teacher be expected to have authority in the classroom when the parents show no respect which filters down to their kids, no doubt. If you have a problem with a teacher you take it up with the school not make pathetic comments behind their back on social media. And the fact they then turned on you trying to mediate suggests they are not a good bunch as they are trying to ostracise you instead of considering your viewpoint. No wonder people have issues about the school gate bullies who still exist into adulthood! They turned into adults but kept their childlike mentality. Bet their is a 'queen bee' type dynamic and any others who might agree with you are scared to rock the boat and face their wrath! I'd leave the group and show the head your screenshots. They should be ashamed of their toxic behaviour, not you.

I also want to say well done for speaking out. I would send the headteacher screenshots. They will probably write to the parents and ask them to voice their concerns directly. That poor teacher.

You don’t need to be part of a WhatsApp group for secondary school, really you don’t.

Surely it’s better to work on building your DD’s resilience and organisation skills than helicoptering with a bunch of people who don’t sound nice.

when did all these group chats for parents of senior school kids start?

I had an issue like that- it was dreadful but it was during lockdown. It took one person to start and then it became not just about teaching, it was her face on the screen and her dress etc etc. It was like mean girls. I told the head and a message was sent out and it stopped. If they have an issue with the teaching they should speak to the teacher- oh and how to undermine a teacher by telling the child she is an idiot.....

Exactly! The comments may have been below the belt but seems from these responses teachers are regarded as some higher being no one can criticise! And some of them, like in all professions and walks of life, are absolute twats who don’t do their job properly or fairly! Are we just supposed to let them?

I want to work at your school!

Support from SLT is vital to staff retention.

How does the school communicate with parents? Surely via official email/webpage/letter, I hope they dont rely on an unofficial WhatsApp group. If they do use the group then the school will have seen the comments about the teacher.

Leave the group and advise the school you dont use WhatsApp, if they ask why then tell them to read the group messages from a sad group of entitled parents.

This is why good teachers are leaving the profession in droves. How can you earn the respect of your students when their parents belittle and undermine you at every step? As someone who left education after over a decade, I am, sadly, not surprised in the slightest. Your students must excel, but you can't have high expectations or mark fairly, you are either giving too much homework or not enough (even within the same class) disrespect and class disruption are rife and suppoted by parents. We had to put up signs in reception to say that aggression towards staff would not be tolerated. It was a daily occurrence for the receptionist. That poor teacher. Well done for calling them out, this is her career and livelihood. Tell the head, hopefully they will deal with it.

Well if we're going to hold mothers 100% accountable for the world we're already fucked because look at it!!

Clearly we are doing a terrible job. It's time the men stepped in and took over the raising of the children. You know, for the sake of the future.

Fwiw I agree with you that personal comments about the teacher are inappropriate and irrelevant. Discussing school issues and issues about a teacher, fine. Nasty or mocking comments, not ok at all and you did the right thing to say so.

But your mothers are responsible for the whole world bit... 🤦🤦

Women have always done the vast majority of child raising and look at the world. Look at all of recorded history. Look at what's happening now.

That's the fault of all the mothers in the world is it? Generation after generation of us?

The crusades? The ottoman empire? Colonialism? Slavery? The Rwandan genocide? Holodomor?
Hitler? Pol pot? Mussolini? Genghis khan? Vlad the Impaler?

I could quite literally type a list all day.

It's a good job motherhood isn't employment because we'd all be sacked for gross misconduct

Teacher here.

I wouldn't be surprised if some parents, somewhere down the line have had a moan about me to friends.

It's what some people do.

I would, however, be devastated to know details of it.... And I consider myself thick skinned.
The Headteacher could send a Comms to parents asking for them make any complaints about staff through official, appropriate channels. They could conversely, change their view of the teacher in question which would make it worse for them.

If I were you, I'd tell these parents that if they want to complain about a teacher, they should do this appropriately - and then leave the group.

I would approach the head teacher about it and leave the group. I do find our group helpful to have but can live without it

Brilliantly put @Greenberg2, but so sad and worrying that you needed to say this at all.

@MadeleineMummy, of course you are correct, but I know through bitter personal experiences - in mental health nursing - that you will need to be very strong mentally, whether you decide to pursue with your challenge to those parents awful and childish behaviour, or whether you decide to let it go - maybe due to possible repercussions to you or your DC.

In my opinion OP, any right thinking person will agree with, and support your decision on this, as being the right one for you and your family. Please don't let anyone on Mumsnet add to those bullying mums in the WhatsApp group, by trying to make/blakmail you into taking (or not taking) any action that would make you feel at the very least uncomfortable.
The best of luck OP with making the right decision for your family as a whole. 🌻

They have behaved like school bullies towards the teacher and now you. Call them out to the headteacher (not the teacher), leave the group, I’d even consider pulling my kid out of that school with such a toxic group of parents.

Yes I agree, having the courage of your convictions is a very brave thing to do especially in the face of such resistance from the other parents.

I applaud you for calling them out in the way you have but quite how this can be stopped is another matter. Well done and I mean that sincerely, bullies need to be brought down.

Well done!
“The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing.”
You called it out and gave voice to a different perspective. Probably many people quietly agree.
Stay in the group and be you. You’ve made your point and don’t have to continue discussing this particular one in the group.
The only thing that connects you all in this public group is that your children are in the same class. People seem to think WhatsApp’s are private but when all pushed together with only one common element of geography doesn’t mean that it is private at all.
Personally I would give voice to your daughters feedback in writing to the Head - this will be in writing and so much more powerful in her evaluations. In your daily interactions provide the support and encouragement you believe the teacher is due.
Well done again. You do you 👏

Absolutely call out this behaviour, particularly the bullying misogynistic stuff. Do not assume that silence means that people agree with what is being said. I have discovered that most people are absolute wimps and afraid to stand up for what is right.. until lots of others do.
The school surely has online guidance for children re WhatsApp groups and bullying. How is this any different?

Absolutely report to the head as this is unacceptable. I'm afraid that very few people will do what's right. It's up to a few gutsy people like yourself to lead the way.

I can't believe the amount of people saying op should tell the teacher/headteacher. I really don't get what it would achieve.

I sort of agree that the best thing for op to do is just leave the group. That will make a clear enough statement without having to upset anyone with screenshots.