Please tell me if I gave wrong decision for my daughters!

[whiterose1985]

Hello,

I have two daughters. DD1 is in year 8, DD2 is in year 7. We live in nice area, we love our home and our local state primary was outstanding too but unfortunately local state secondary schools are not good. So we only considered grammar and independent schools for secondary.

DD1 last year started to really selective outstanding girls only (which we prefer) grammar school. She loved her school and she has really nice group her friends. She also had offers from independent schools but we prefered grammar school because when we compared gcse results they were very similar. But ofcourse independent schools facilities and clubs was better but we felt its not worth to pay £21k for that.

DD2 started girls only independent school this year. This is because unfortunately she coudnt get in to any grammar school (she was on waiting list but unfortunately she coudnt have a space in the end). She is so talented in music, she plays 2 instruments and she loves singing. She is also good swimmer. Because off that we pay only %50 of school fees. In this senario we felt like its worth to pay £8k in a year for independent schools as she will be using facilities. DD1 is so academic focus and she is super good in STEM subjects but DD2 less academic but loves music, sport, even art. We now pay about £9k for her school fees in a year (which is good price nowadays for independent schools).

We are not rich family at all. But education is so important for us. So that we didnt want to send DD2 to local state seconday which we believe she will not be happy and flourish.

In addition, while we are paying DD2 schools fees we decide to save money for DD1 and this year we opened saving account for her and
transfered her account 5k (we decided to save 5k for her every year) so when she become 18 she can buy her own car or use it for deposit for her house etc. This amount is max we can do. We go to holiday, trips, eat outside as usual. We have mortgage to pay as well so in the end we only saved 5k.

My DD1 knows that we are saving money for her but still she says that her sister is more special because she goes to private school with better facilities. DD2s Independent school is local but she needs to travel by train (not underground) to school and travel 20 mins etc. She also doesn’t like when DD1 friends visit our house (we live 5 mins to school so girls visit our so often), she feel sad because she says that her classmates are not local so they can not do the same.

I feel so bad when she talks like that. I explained her so many times that her school is also so amazing. I honestly believe the grammar school doing better job because they have so similar gcse results.

But its looks like we need to find other solution. There is no way we can pay full fee (19k) for independent school. I wish she had also 50% off. But unfortunately we dont have that option as well. DD2 didnt also got place in grammar school.

Resit DD2 to grammar school exams (if they have space)? But she is so happy in her school.

Resit DD1 to independent school exams (if they have space, maybe she can receive academic bursary?

My husband said we can move to cheaper area or cheaper/smaller house or put house on sale and rent. But they all sounded so stressful for me because we love our house and area and we live so close to our families which is so important for us. Also moving or buying other house is so expensive nowaday. Stamp duty, cost of moving etc all extra cost.

I really dont know what to do. I also prefer to spend same amount and provide same standards, same educations for them but honestly I never planned this:(:(:(

Hi OP! Firstly, I think you are doing an amazing job and clearly you care so much about your daughters.

IMO, you should not change what you are doing at all. You made the decisions for the DDs based on all the logical points you spoke about in your post. The fact it has meant that your DDs have gone on two slightly different paths is just something that, in my opinion, your DDs need to suck up and get on with.

it sounds like both DDs get different positives and negatives with their schooling choices… and that’s life. I would just make sure you explain why they both have followed different paths and stick with it - particularly if they are both happy in their respective schools.

if you make changes for them, I suspect you will find your DDs just find something else to complain about … as that’s what kids do. There will also be competition and constant comparisons between siblings no matter what too, it’s just natural. If your DDs weren’t comparing schools and friends, it would be things like you’ve spoken more to one DD than the other or one got more pasta for dinner than the other…

please be confident as the parent in the decisions you have already made. It’s good to constantly reflect on whether you need to change course, but don’t let your DDs dictate too much.

Good luck with everything :)

I don't think you should do anything regarding schools, you have made good choices and both dds should be very grateful.

I'd be talking to dd1 in particular about this, she sounds quite ungrateful yet this is a teenager of course!

OP - for heavens sake, you are doing your best for both kids and they are in the best schools for them, which you can also make work financially.

Tell your daughter this and that is the end of the matter.

You have created this problem by telling her you’re saving money for her because her sister is at a private school. This is going to cause huge resentment later on. They are getting equally good educations. The money needs to be equally divided.

But you can sort that out later, for now start acting like and adult and a parent, and make it clear to your daughters you and your husband are the ones making decisions, not them. Don’t put up with any more nonsense from DD1. If anything the sibling rivalry will improve when they are getting clear boundaries from you.

Everything @Luredbyapomegranate said.

I think you have made the right decision for both girls.

What will happen if DD" loses her 50% reduction?

Use some money now if dd1 has outside interests, clubs etc she wants to do, or tuition etc

I think though that you are nuts to save money for dd1. Dd2 didn’t choose to be privately educated- she didn’t get a place at the grammar school, which is not her fault. What if she’d also like a car? You are creating a massive opportunity for even more division.

the main question is whether they are both enjoying and flourishing at their respective schools. Also do the grammars have a 13+ entry? Spaces are normally limited but might be worth considering

It sounds as though you’ve made excellent decisions for talented daughters. DD2 needs to stop complaining about DD1 having friends around; DD1 needs to stop complaining about DD2 going to a paid-for school. DD2 wasn’t clever enough to get into the grammar; DD1 isn’t talented in other things to receive a scholarship for music. It’s balanced.

Don’t move house or schools - they both sound very well matched in their schools and educational opportunities.

Agree with this. Presenting one of your daughters with a lump sum of money and not the other is going to cause a huge amount of resentment.

This. I don't get why one daughter is getting a lump sum of money and one isn't, because of where YOU chose to send them to school?

It sounds like your DD1 is saying that on purpose to get a reaction. I wasn’t privately educated but my brother was- 0 resentment there because I went to the school I wanted to go to. I certainly didn’t get presented with a lump sum at the end either!! I’d personally stop talking about the money with them both. I think you really risk a fallout with your DD2 if it’s seen as DD1 being better “value” because her school was free… well done for getting them into two great schools.

This. The money should never be being saved for one child to compensate something that didn't need compensating. Save equally for them both to go to uni.

Yes this isn't about the decision which is clearly well thought through.

It's about the fact your kids can see you are doubting yourselves and are giving them the impression they are unequal. Agree you shouldn't make it about the money and definitely should not tell one you are saving them money for them.

Sit them down and talk through why you made these decisions for the best for each of them. Make it clear the money is immaterial and that you do not view the situation as unequal. It's about what is best for them each individually as people. Acknowledge that these decisions are not always easy to make as parents but explain your reasoning.

Let them air their frustrations and feelings and validate what they say without saying but... Make it clear the decision is not up for being changed but always allow them to be heard. Let them know you understand and that their perspective makes sense.

Doing the best for both children doesn’t mean doing the same for both children. You have thought hard about their education and given them each the best accessible and affordable option.

have faith in yourself on this.

I agree with posters above. I would not tolerate any nonsense from DD1. I would say calmly - DD2 is at x school because she didn't get into your school. We would have done the same for you.

My DC2 will be doing the 11+ later this year. DC1 is at grammar already. If DC2 doesn't pass, we would have no qualms about considering an independent school.

I also wouldn't save for her. As others have said- spend the money now on extracurriculars to balance any disadvantage.

Do not sell your home!

I was your DD1 and my sister went to a private school with great facilities. I do remember complaining to my DM at some point that they spent more money on my sister but I was being stroppy and trying to score points, I don’t care even slightly now. I would use the money you’re saving for both DCs but make sure DD1 has access to any extracurriculars she wants - especially if there are local ones she can make friends at.

@Annietheacrobat I don't think they can say they'd have done the same for DD1 as they can't afford two sets school fees.
I think both need a bit of a straight talking family meeting to put it to bed.
As they both if they'd like to just both go to the local state high instead as that's the only other solution now.
Stop saving for one. Spend that on the extra curricular DD2 gets in her school fees.

Siblings are always going to compare and complain so you need to be firm here that they are both extremely lucky to be at the schools they are which are both suited to their needs and talents. However the money is going to cause problems and it suggests that DD1 should be compensated for not being at a private school when they have a great opportunity at a grammar. Saving the money for both of them for university or whatever they want to do is much fairer and shows them that all is equal both with opportunities and financially.

I agree with others that the money is going to cause a huge problem later on. You've made the decision based on what's best for each child. Giving one a large amount of money later on, is going to create a huge rift.

You have provided the most suitable education for each child.
BUT, you cannot present DD1 with 30K on her 18th birthday, and tell DD2 that because she wasn't bright enough to get into a grammar school, you have spent her lump sum on school fees. You need to even up that lump sum between your daughters.

DH was sent to one of the most prestigious independent schools in England, it was deemed a bit of a waste of money to send his sister. Nothing has ever been said but I think deep down she is deeply resentful.

You need to really communicate with your DD because a chip on the shoulder will be very destructive.

Both DDs have been given amazing opportunity it is now up to them to make the best of it. All teens will have gripes about their school, teachers, friendships etc regardless that is just part of life. If they don't like their current schools and can't see how fortunate they are that you have given them that opportunity then they always have the option of the local comp. Do not sell your home and uproot your whole life because of teenagers with gripes.

The thing I am baffled about is DD1 is happy at her school right? Does she want to swap just on principle? she was the one who actually got into the grammar school so actually can argue they achieved something more prestigious (if that is what she is worried about!)

she needs to understand private doesn’t equate to ‘better’ despite what some people think. Being happy at a school isn’t about clubs or buildings but about liking the way they are teached and the friends they make and achieving their full potential. I know people who have been exceedingly unhappy at private school and VV and switched. Does your DD1 really want to leave all her new friends on a principle?

I know plenty of people who have children at different schools, state and private. This happened for various reasons but I haven’t heard it caused any bother.

could your DD1 move at 6th form if it still bothers her then?

I don’t agree with giving a lump sum to DD1 though but you could spend more on extra curricular activities to make up the difference if there are things she isn’t getting in school.

I have one DC at independent private school and one at state secondary, it is because they are at the school that is right for them, they are both doing well. In no way would I save money in lieu for the one at state school. That is madness . The money is irrelevant and our choice as parents. They help keep each other grounded in a way but are vastly different personalities and interests and one would hate the pressure of selective academic school and one needs it to be pushed.
Do not entertain the thought that one is getting special treatment, just keep saying you chose the right school for each of them .

I too think you should save equally.
And that you’ve done an amazing job wrt schools