Please tell me if I gave wrong decision for my daughters!

[whiterose1985]

Hello,

I have two daughters. DD1 is in year 8, DD2 is in year 7. We live in nice area, we love our home and our local state primary was outstanding too but unfortunately local state secondary schools are not good. So we only considered grammar and independent schools for secondary.

DD1 last year started to really selective outstanding girls only (which we prefer) grammar school. She loved her school and she has really nice group her friends. She also had offers from independent schools but we prefered grammar school because when we compared gcse results they were very similar. But ofcourse independent schools facilities and clubs was better but we felt its not worth to pay £21k for that.

DD2 started girls only independent school this year. This is because unfortunately she coudnt get in to any grammar school (she was on waiting list but unfortunately she coudnt have a space in the end). She is so talented in music, she plays 2 instruments and she loves singing. She is also good swimmer. Because off that we pay only %50 of school fees. In this senario we felt like its worth to pay £8k in a year for independent schools as she will be using facilities. DD1 is so academic focus and she is super good in STEM subjects but DD2 less academic but loves music, sport, even art. We now pay about £9k for her school fees in a year (which is good price nowadays for independent schools).

We are not rich family at all. But education is so important for us. So that we didnt want to send DD2 to local state seconday which we believe she will not be happy and flourish.

In addition, while we are paying DD2 schools fees we decide to save money for DD1 and this year we opened saving account for her and
transfered her account 5k (we decided to save 5k for her every year) so when she become 18 she can buy her own car or use it for deposit for her house etc. This amount is max we can do. We go to holiday, trips, eat outside as usual. We have mortgage to pay as well so in the end we only saved 5k.

My DD1 knows that we are saving money for her but still she says that her sister is more special because she goes to private school with better facilities. DD2s Independent school is local but she needs to travel by train (not underground) to school and travel 20 mins etc. She also doesn’t like when DD1 friends visit our house (we live 5 mins to school so girls visit our so often), she feel sad because she says that her classmates are not local so they can not do the same.

I feel so bad when she talks like that. I explained her so many times that her school is also so amazing. I honestly believe the grammar school doing better job because they have so similar gcse results.

But its looks like we need to find other solution. There is no way we can pay full fee (19k) for independent school. I wish she had also 50% off. But unfortunately we dont have that option as well. DD2 didnt also got place in grammar school.

Resit DD2 to grammar school exams (if they have space)? But she is so happy in her school.

Resit DD1 to independent school exams (if they have space, maybe she can receive academic bursary?

My husband said we can move to cheaper area or cheaper/smaller house or put house on sale and rent. But they all sounded so stressful for me because we love our house and area and we live so close to our families which is so important for us. Also moving or buying other house is so expensive nowaday. Stamp duty, cost of moving etc all extra cost.

I really dont know what to do. I also prefer to spend same amount and provide same standards, same educations for them but honestly I never planned this:(:(:(

Just to provide some balance here- with daughters so close in age things will always be compared.

I imagine DD1 feels 'punished' for being smarter than her sister. Because she passed the test she's at a state school with facilities that aren't as good, further away, bigger class sizes etc.

You said yourself grammar or indie, not local comp. She's probably wishing she hadn't passed the test so would have been sent to the indie school round the corner.

I don't understand the lump sum. That will cause huge problems for both kids.

Just trying to give some balance as to how DD1 seemingly feels and can totally see why she's jealous that her sister gets to go to the 'better' school which is closer (seems to be important to her) because she didn't pass the exam.

Things like paying for education should be an all or nothing with kids in my book. If DD2 was on a full bursary I'd feel differently, but a massive chunk of your money each year is paying for the education of just one daughter. That's one way to cause a divide and resentment between them for the rest of their lives unfortunately.

I have seen this cause rift in families up to middle aged and beyond.But that has been where the state educated one was sent to a secondary modern.I would say a grammar educational will stand her in much better stead at university application time than and indy school.i think she is just trying to wind you up.i would ignore and tell her how lucky she was to get into gs when her sister couldn't

And this is exactly why private and grammar schools shouldn’t exist. Don’t give one a lump sum and not the other - will cause far greater issues than this complicated school situation.

It's really tough. i have a friend who went to my excellent state school & did well but her sibling went to private school also on musical ability. The private school was one of the best & my friend feels it opened way more doors for her sister. They both applied to the same uni but the private one got in although they now have a policy if taking more state pupils. My friend is pretty resentful tbh. I don't know what the answer is.

@PammyShipman

”Because she passed the test she's at a state school with facilities that aren't as good, further away, bigger class sizes etc.”

DD1 is at the closer school, it is DD2 who gets the train.

We know families where one child has private & one doesn't. Some have no issues and some seriously do sadly

If they want to be treated exactly the same then they both have to move to the state non-grammar school. You can't afford to send dd1 private and dd2 didn't get into the grammar.

How would they like that option?

Maybe they would be quite happy with that option but as an adult it's clearly not the right choice. They need to both just stay where they are. Spend money on closing any gap now but please don't give dd1 a lump sum at 18 and not dd2.

This is just siblings griping over what the other one has, surely? They'd do that whatever!

How sad you can only afford to send one to private school on a bursary, whilst saving £5k a year for the other and maintaining your usual standard of living!

I wouldn't change a thing and I would stop saving for DD1- if you're saving it should be for both sisters. You've sent them each to the best school available based on what was on offer- what more can you do?

You could point out to DD1 that not having been to a private school may actually help her when it comes to uni applications.

Your schooling decisions sound sensible however I don't agree with saving money equally for dd1 and not dd2. Dd1 sounds ungrateful.

The thing is though, these werent really choices or decisions you made for your children. Dd2 would have gone to DD1s school if she got a place but she didnt, thats was something not in your control and you could have your actual choice (for them to be in the same local school). DD1 isnt in a position to get half fees in the independant school and your family cannot afford fees times one and a half (for both girls), there would be no holidays, treats, extra curicular stuff etc.
I would stop playing into their grievences tbh, the majority of teens have an issues with their school, its too far away, friends are too far, theres not enough sport, theres too much sport etc, its impossible to tick all the boxes. If DD1 is complaining you just address it as 'but she applied for the same school as you! She didnt get a place, what did you want her to do, home school?!' If DD2 complains 'yes love, it is unfortunate your friends are further away but thats just how it worked out'
Where the idea of saving for DD1 only came from i cannot understand tbh

Why so chippy?

Why so chippy?

Because it's such a non issue and a really poor attempt at a humble brag! Why do we need to know that they don't have to stop eating out and don't have to give up holidays to afford this? What relevance does that have?

I think you need to have serious words with Dd1.
You could never have put them both through independent school. Instead, she is in a good place and so is dd2. You are happy with the choices and outcome. You are saving now for both of them and the savings will be used equally for them.
End of discussion

Gosh that's so so unfair. You are saving thousands for one daughter for a car or house whereas the other will get nothing because YOU decided to send her to a different school. I'd be devastated if I were that daughter.

The schools are fine as they are. The money gift definitely isn’t. Both girls need to have equal amounts saved for them. I can’t see any logic in just saving for DD1 and not DD2. That’s very unfair and cruel and will cause huge problems.

The schools thing is great. Really good outcomes for each of them.
the money thing is not fine at all. Save equally to help them both through uni or to give them an equal lump sum at
a particular age. Saving for one but not the other is unfair and unnecessary and likely to lead to huge issues going forwards.

You have made the best choice for each child of the schools available to you. That is what we all do. The girls need to stop comparing and complaining and listen to your reasoning. You really can't give DD1 a lump sum and not her sister though. That is feeding into the teenagers mindset that money spent is the most important sign of love. That is clearly nonsense. It would be giving DD1 a big advantage in life that DD2 isn't getting .

First of all, you have done a great job of getting the best schooling you can for both of your daughters. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
However, I can see why DD1 is unhappy. She got into a free school because she's academic. Her sister is having fees paid because she's less academic. And on top of that independent schools often offer so much more opportunities than state schools so she'll be receiving those which DD1 is losing out on.
I think I'd be looking at trying to give DD1 a range of activities and adventures that she can do in her spare time that are more than just the usual after school clubs.
Depending on the independent school, they often do just open more doors through preparation and connections and DD1 will never be able to have the advantages of those.

I think you have done the right thing with regards to the schools, both girls are at the right one for them.

I think the savings are going to cause problems. It feels like you are saving for the older one because you feel guilty about not paying for her school when you have no need to feel guilty. If you wanted to make up for anything you should pay for clubs and activities that DD1 doesn't have at her school.

The lump sum will cause resentment both now and in the future. Now because DD1 knows you are saving for her it is making her feel like she is missing out on something. In the future it will cause problems because DD2 will be unfairly treated because of her school which is out of her control.

This was almost exactly the situation DSis and I were in - I went to a very selective state school, she went to an indie. Honestly, it has not caused us a second of friction or grief - but I think in part because our parents wouldn't have tolerated it.

It feels like you think it's unfair which is why you're compensating with the savings for your elder - they're both being given excellent educational opportunities, I wouldn't buy into the compare/contrast thing, there are going to be advantages and disadvantages to each situation. Nip it in the bud, accept that you've made the best choices you could with the options in front of you, and stop talking about money to them in any situation which could cause resentment! I'm sure we had to scale things back a bit because my sister went to a fee paying school. We didn't know about it though 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Everyone has already given the answer. All teens compare and complain. You can’t afford both to go- but you can pay for tutors/ extra classes/trips etc. I would go that route rather than saving money for her. Very often kids are searching for direction and the opportunities and experiences they get as teens shape that. So, give her every chance to find her true path.

Hi again, thanks for all replies🙏🏻 some users said it is unfair to save money for DD1. Yes actually its true normally we needed to save for both equally but at the moment we pay 8k for DD2s school fees in a year and we wanted to motivate DD1 - we didnt want her to feel she was more academic but in the end we didnt pay anything for her etc.. because she also had an offer in independent schools when she did 11+ but because it was without any reduction we couldn’t afford to pay full schools fees and state grammar option sounded better option for us. Also I said to DD1 if she wants to do her A levels in the independent school she can use that money (if you ask my opinion its silly to that especially in A level stage as normally they say it is more sensible to do A levels on state schools) but if this decision will make her happy we can afford it for 2 years and I dont mind if she would like to change. In the same time, DD2 said to us if she doesnt study music for an A level and she might want to go to state grammar if she gets any offer from state grammar schools in that time. We basically want to make sure DD1 dont feel like we are doing special thing for DD2 but not for her. We never planned this way but sometimes when she ask something for example she said she wants new mobile phone (she use iphone 12 mini right now and she said she needs bigger one) and when we say she doesnt need it she says; “but you spend thousands for my sister” which makes us sad because we actually never say no because we cant afford it - its just because we feel she doesn’t need it right now etc… its really hard to for us to keep the balance as a parents when they are in two different schools x

The school fees you pay for one child are irrelevant. Older DD needs a stern talking-to on this. Take them out of the equation. And you can’t say that if elder DD goes to an independent at a later date, that savings money can be used for that. That’s unfair.It is crucial that you divide savings money up equally.

she says; “but you spend thousands for my sister”

That's really tough. I can see why dd1 might think that. It's not rational but I can understand why a teenager might see it that way.