Please tell me if I gave wrong decision for my daughters!

[whiterose1985]

Hello,

I have two daughters. DD1 is in year 8, DD2 is in year 7. We live in nice area, we love our home and our local state primary was outstanding too but unfortunately local state secondary schools are not good. So we only considered grammar and independent schools for secondary.

DD1 last year started to really selective outstanding girls only (which we prefer) grammar school. She loved her school and she has really nice group her friends. She also had offers from independent schools but we prefered grammar school because when we compared gcse results they were very similar. But ofcourse independent schools facilities and clubs was better but we felt its not worth to pay £21k for that.

DD2 started girls only independent school this year. This is because unfortunately she coudnt get in to any grammar school (she was on waiting list but unfortunately she coudnt have a space in the end). She is so talented in music, she plays 2 instruments and she loves singing. She is also good swimmer. Because off that we pay only %50 of school fees. In this senario we felt like its worth to pay £8k in a year for independent schools as she will be using facilities. DD1 is so academic focus and she is super good in STEM subjects but DD2 less academic but loves music, sport, even art. We now pay about £9k for her school fees in a year (which is good price nowadays for independent schools).

We are not rich family at all. But education is so important for us. So that we didnt want to send DD2 to local state seconday which we believe she will not be happy and flourish.

In addition, while we are paying DD2 schools fees we decide to save money for DD1 and this year we opened saving account for her and
transfered her account 5k (we decided to save 5k for her every year) so when she become 18 she can buy her own car or use it for deposit for her house etc. This amount is max we can do. We go to holiday, trips, eat outside as usual. We have mortgage to pay as well so in the end we only saved 5k.

My DD1 knows that we are saving money for her but still she says that her sister is more special because she goes to private school with better facilities. DD2s Independent school is local but she needs to travel by train (not underground) to school and travel 20 mins etc. She also doesn’t like when DD1 friends visit our house (we live 5 mins to school so girls visit our so often), she feel sad because she says that her classmates are not local so they can not do the same.

I feel so bad when she talks like that. I explained her so many times that her school is also so amazing. I honestly believe the grammar school doing better job because they have so similar gcse results.

But its looks like we need to find other solution. There is no way we can pay full fee (19k) for independent school. I wish she had also 50% off. But unfortunately we dont have that option as well. DD2 didnt also got place in grammar school.

Resit DD2 to grammar school exams (if they have space)? But she is so happy in her school.

Resit DD1 to independent school exams (if they have space, maybe she can receive academic bursary?

My husband said we can move to cheaper area or cheaper/smaller house or put house on sale and rent. But they all sounded so stressful for me because we love our house and area and we live so close to our families which is so important for us. Also moving or buying other house is so expensive nowaday. Stamp duty, cost of moving etc all extra cost.

I really dont know what to do. I also prefer to spend same amount and provide same standards, same educations for them but honestly I never planned this:(:(:(

Both get a great education that suits their talents and interests. So I wouldn't save money for 1 and not the other. If you can, save 2.5 k for each. Once they are 18, schooling will be yesterday and they both have the same needs/expenses going forward, so you will need to help both or none. If you give DD1 money on top of a stellar education (and universities will prefer her as she went to state, and discriminate against DD2), she will have much more of an advantage than her sister.

Giving one child a lump sum of many thousands to spend on whatever she likes and nothing to the other because she went to a more expensive school is delusional.

Your daughers are going through puberty when the whole world is unfair to them, not just you for their sibling. It's painful but time will heal. Be strong. Just say when you have two children you will understand.

Many sibling rivalries stem from the different treatments their parents give them while trying to cater for their differences. It's always unfair why I have to this but he/she doesn't? Why he/she gets this but I don't? Just tell them individually, time and time again, that you love them so much and are very proud of them.

“Ah well, dd2, perhaps if you’d be bright enough to get into the grammar we’d have saved some money for you too”

This is 100% how dd2 will see it. You’ve done a great job of getting your daughters into good schools. Don’t make everything worse just to appease a 13yo who doesn’t understand the basis of your decisions.

@whiterose1985 it doesn’t seem like you are listening to the many many posters who are at pains to stress that the education you are offering both your dds is just fine. It is more than fine. It is great. And when they are older both will be able to see that.
saving thousands of pounds for one but not the other is really really not fine. When they are older they will be able to see that. And that’s when the issues will begin. You would be really wise to listen to the advice being offered on here as many many wise women are telling you the same thing.

My parents sent my sister to a private school just because both our brothers had been to a competitive private school previously. She didn't get in to that school so they sent her to a random independent school as they felt guilty for not spending the money on her education? It didn't work out snd she changed to the (very good) local high school instead.

So you've just ignored everything everyone has said here, excellent. You do you.

The OP is so fixated on her idea of right ie save money for one child and not the other and this is fine, that she cannot or does not want to see how damaging she is being to the daughter she is not saving for. I don't know why you came on here OP if you are going to stick your fingers in your ears and sing la la la, I can't hear you.

I think it's very easy for siblings to see what they don't have and what their siblings do.
And also forget the things they have gained, or dismiss them as "well I earned/deserved that."

My DD1 knows that we are saving money for her but still she says that her sister is more special because she goes to private school with better facilities. DD2s Independent school is local but she needs to travel by train (not underground) to school and travel 20 mins etc. She also doesn’t like when DD1 friends visit our house (we live 5 mins to school so girls visit our so often), she feel sad because she says that her classmates are not local so they can not do the same.

This is exactly that. They both see the advantages of the other's position, but accept their own advantage as one of those things.

If I was you, I'd look a bit at whether things I was saying/doing weren't helping. Do, for example, you sing up the praise of dd2's school? Or not even sing it up, but be clearly impressed. "They really do/have that! What an opportunity!". Have you commented (perhaps in the past) how lovely it is that dd1 has lots of friends, or how lovely it is that they drop in so often.
Do you praise dd1 for her academics more or dd2 for her talents? Could they perceive that you do even if you feel you don't? Perhaps you accept that dd1's report is always good, but you remark how well dd2's doing in sport or the other way round?

I would not change their schools as it sounds like they're both in the best place. And you can't change either to the other's school, so to be fair the only thing you could do is change them both to a school that is less good for them. You may need to accept that they won't see it until they're adults that you were doing your best.

But I think I'd stop saving for dd1 and ask her what opportunities she would like to use the money for. Maybe even if it's something like going on a ski trip. Don't throw money at her, but call the savings account her "opportunities fund" and let her have some choice what she does. Tell her (quietly and in confidence, making sure that she understands this) that if dd2 had got into the grammar that she would have gone there. It was simply a choice of circumstances. It's not a case of loving her more because you're spending more money. Make her feel that you are proud of her for getting into the grammar and you value her talents as much as dd2's.
You could (if you can afford it) suggest that dd1 could move in the 6th form. She probably won't want to by then.

Then I'd talk to dd2 also separately. I don't know if it would be helpful to tell her that if dd1 wasn't at the grammar then you couldn't have afforded both at the private school, so she wouldn't be there either. It might do. Ask if there's any way (barring moving or anything drastic) to help her see her friends more-does she have good friends? Perhaps she's struggling friendship wise and that's why she hates seeing dd1 with lots of friends.
And again tell her that you're proud of her for her talents that have got her the scholarship-but also does that make her feel under pressure to keep up because she could lose it if she is no longer performing well?

It's a difficult one, because one thing I found bonded my dc at that awkward point was being at the same school and being able to discuss things. Is there common ground on something they both like, but won't be competitive over?

Exactly what I came on to say.

You have done your best for both daughters and they are both in an excellent position because of that.

I don't think it is wise to be saving money for one daughter and not the other - you need to make this equal so there is no resentment in the future.

Both your daughters should know that decisions have been made based on the circumstances at the time and that is all there is to it.

@BeautifulWar because I know some families who chose private schools for their children but in the end they have to minimise their expenses like holidays, trips etc.. I respect that as well but in our case its unfair for DD1 as she is in state school. I just wanted to let you know that while we are paying DD2s school fees we are not changing DD1s lifestyle.

@itsthefinalcountdown1 I am not ignoring your comments - just wanted to explain why we decided to save for DD1

I think you need to seriously sit down and think about how being financially responsible for two children does not mean spending the exact same amount of money on them, regardless of their needs at preteen age. Your other child isn't having money saved for her, because you chose to put your children in different schools. That child isn't going to thank you at 18, believe me.

D2 will likely have friends who are wealthier and connected than D1 in later life. D1 will have to rely solely on her hard work to progress her career. I understand why you're saving up for her and that's fine. You're trying to be fair but don't speak about it anymore.

D2 needs to stop complaining otherwise she should study harder and try again for grammar.

@Delectable DD2 is not complaning about anything x

Absolutely not true. This is such a myth. The demographic of parents at both schools is going to be very similar. The amount of rich, well connected children in the country is very very tiny.

At the moment.

But things will change when she is older and is worse off than her sister and the rational you give is that she has no lump sum because you chose to send her to a different school.

That is so not true.
I have two DD. The older went to a state school, the younger to an independent. The one that went to an independent definitely did not have wealthy, well connected friends to help her in life and would be appalled at anyone suggesting it. In fact, now a young adult, she’s not really in touch with anyone from her school days.

An on year transfer to a grammar school (with school designed entry test) is easier to get in (if there are spaces) than getting a place directly from year 6.

Secondly I absolutely totally disagree with saving money for dd1 and not dd2. This is hugely unfair and will likely create significant problems in the future. Both daughters are receiving the most appropriate education for them. By all means use some of your surplus money to pay for extra curricular activities for dd1. After that you must split any savings you make for them equally between the 2.

But the OP didnt chose, DD2 was going to the same school as DD1 but wasnt given a place.

I think it's really daft to save for one and not the other and it is even dafter to have told the kids.

It's not daft to send one kid to private school and not the other if that is what works for the kids. Personally I'd have tried to avoid it but I can see why you are doing it.

You also need to try and work out if you can stop your kids from comparing themselves to their siblings. Otherwise how are they going to deal with differences in ALevel results, unis, salaries etc etc.

She did choose to spend the money. There was a free alternative to the private school, the OP could have sent her DD to a non selective state school, but chose to pay to go private.

Either way it is not the child's fault and she should not be punished for not getting into the same school as her sister.

They both think the other is better off - typical kids. Don't let either of them emotionally manipulate you into buying things because 'it's not fair my sister gets more' argument. Don't feel bad or sad, explain clearly and confidently why you have made the choices that you have. You're handling this perfectly, don't doubt yourself.

DD1 needs to go out for some 121 time with you, hot chocolate or something and you explain to her that she isn't being hard done to and she's going to really impact her dd2's confidence by going on about the fact she couldn't get into the same school.
You've weighed up the pros and cons and let her know if it's going to be a point of contention then they'll both be relocated to a state school, because its making your lives miserable trying to do the best.
Do a bit of good/bad cop.

My youngest DS goes to a specialist school for his SEN, they do wonderful things and activities, forest school, lots of outdoor activities and guests come in such as fire fighters or karate instructors.
Each morning the children have a "meeting" with milk and toast and discuss any news they have, the day is structured and honestly, just a wonderful environment.
My son is verbal and tells his older brother about these activities and we had to explain to him lots why his DB has a speedboat in the play area and his school doesn't.
Kids find the smallest thing to be an injustice and aren't great at dealing with that. Be honest, but no more talk of moving house and definitely spilt any money 50/50, because that's a fine way to exclude dd2.
Youre doing this out of love, not spite, don't let a teenager who would moan about her sister getting better colour smarties than her make you think moving your home is an option, dear lord!