Please tell me if I gave wrong decision for my daughters!

[whiterose1985]

Hello,

I have two daughters. DD1 is in year 8, DD2 is in year 7. We live in nice area, we love our home and our local state primary was outstanding too but unfortunately local state secondary schools are not good. So we only considered grammar and independent schools for secondary.

DD1 last year started to really selective outstanding girls only (which we prefer) grammar school. She loved her school and she has really nice group her friends. She also had offers from independent schools but we prefered grammar school because when we compared gcse results they were very similar. But ofcourse independent schools facilities and clubs was better but we felt its not worth to pay £21k for that.

DD2 started girls only independent school this year. This is because unfortunately she coudnt get in to any grammar school (she was on waiting list but unfortunately she coudnt have a space in the end). She is so talented in music, she plays 2 instruments and she loves singing. She is also good swimmer. Because off that we pay only %50 of school fees. In this senario we felt like its worth to pay £8k in a year for independent schools as she will be using facilities. DD1 is so academic focus and she is super good in STEM subjects but DD2 less academic but loves music, sport, even art. We now pay about £9k for her school fees in a year (which is good price nowadays for independent schools).

We are not rich family at all. But education is so important for us. So that we didnt want to send DD2 to local state seconday which we believe she will not be happy and flourish.

In addition, while we are paying DD2 schools fees we decide to save money for DD1 and this year we opened saving account for her and
transfered her account 5k (we decided to save 5k for her every year) so when she become 18 she can buy her own car or use it for deposit for her house etc. This amount is max we can do. We go to holiday, trips, eat outside as usual. We have mortgage to pay as well so in the end we only saved 5k.

My DD1 knows that we are saving money for her but still she says that her sister is more special because she goes to private school with better facilities. DD2s Independent school is local but she needs to travel by train (not underground) to school and travel 20 mins etc. She also doesn’t like when DD1 friends visit our house (we live 5 mins to school so girls visit our so often), she feel sad because she says that her classmates are not local so they can not do the same.

I feel so bad when she talks like that. I explained her so many times that her school is also so amazing. I honestly believe the grammar school doing better job because they have so similar gcse results.

But its looks like we need to find other solution. There is no way we can pay full fee (19k) for independent school. I wish she had also 50% off. But unfortunately we dont have that option as well. DD2 didnt also got place in grammar school.

Resit DD2 to grammar school exams (if they have space)? But she is so happy in her school.

Resit DD1 to independent school exams (if they have space, maybe she can receive academic bursary?

My husband said we can move to cheaper area or cheaper/smaller house or put house on sale and rent. But they all sounded so stressful for me because we love our house and area and we live so close to our families which is so important for us. Also moving or buying other house is so expensive nowaday. Stamp duty, cost of moving etc all extra cost.

I really dont know what to do. I also prefer to spend same amount and provide same standards, same educations for them but honestly I never planned this:(:(:(

DD1: Rather than save money for later, why not try to even up on the difference in facilities now. Is there a hobby she would like to pursue? One of the advantages of a local state school is it frees up the money and time to pursue other hobbies - and not restricted to the ones on offer at school.

DD2: Do what you can to facilitate having friends over, or picking her up from friends. Could she have a friend to stay overnight sometimes - travelling home and back to school with her? Point out that when she gets a bit older, she will benefit from having friends in different places - more opportunity to explore their towns at weekends. Perhaps look at ways for her to have friends locally - join local scouts/guides etc.

It sounds like you have chosen schools that should work well for them, and that neither is unhappy at their school - it's more the "it's not fair" that often arises between sisters close in age.

By all means put some money away for the future, but don't start allocating things now. Being fair doesn't have to mean equal, and there may be other differences that happen later. You may find that either or both would be best moving for sixth form, depending on what they want to study. And perhaps one will do a four year degree in London and the other a three year degree somewhere much cheaper, or a degree apprenticeship where they will need much less financial support.

Tell your daughter you chose schools for her and her sister based on their needs. Plus, remind her that her sister is only in the independent school because she didn't pass the grammar exam and she's getting a big discount.

The jealousy probably has deeper causes though.

Try to chat with her about how her life is going apart from the academic element.

This. 100%

Fair enough have a savings account for future educational needs, sensible. LISTEN TO ALL THE ADVICE that it is madness and creating problems for DD1 to think that is her money. Treat them as equals for phones trips etc , the choice is made and it sounds brilliant for both. if she brings up the money say it is nothing to do with you how we spend our money, crack on and do your homework.

I think you need to listen to the advice you have been given.

I have 3 at Grammar School. If the last one hadn't got in, I would have tried to send him to a private school. I would not have felt the need to 'compensate' my other children because of this at all and I would hope all dc understood the reasons.

Message to
DD1
You are really bright & got into a free school. Here is £20k
DD2
You are a bit dim so we had to spend that £20k on your school.
So you get nothing

Great summary!

I can fully understand dd1 being upset, she is not behaving worse than dd2 in this situation. Rightly or wrongly parents are spending £9k per year on dd2's schooling which is giving her access to facilities and clubs of a much higher quality than dd1 has access to. Yes parents are putting money in savings but dd1 is still losing out to the tune of £4k per year in funding. Assuming at secondary school till 18 so 6 years that's £24k extra that's been spent on dd2 just for school. That added to the lower quality facilities it's understandable dd1 is upset.

Ha exactly my thoughts!

agree with most others OP

Sorry but I don't agree. Dd2 is getting £9k a year spent solely on her that dd1 is not getting. They're putting £5k a year in savings, that still equates to a £24 k excess that dd2 will receive over dd1 assuming 6 years of school. Why should dd1 lose out on that financial support because she was clever enough to get into grammar when dd2 wasn't.

'ahh well dd1 if you'd failed your grammar exams we'd have paid to put you in private school too' works both ways. Parents are choosing to spend 9k extra per year on dd2. Even with lump sum of £5k per year dd2 is still benefitting by over £24k based on ) years at school and is getting the better quality school experience as well.

My brother went to private school, my sister and I didn't. I still resent it, we should all have been given that opportunity.
In my opinion from having experienced this if you can't send all of them, you don't send any.

But the difference is, DD2 would have been at a comp whilst DD1 was at a grammar, despite DD2 getting a 50% bursary. So that would put dd2 at an educational disadvantage. Isn’t that less equal than the financial difference?

If they need to make it equal then they need to be paying £9k a year towards dd1's education then. Just as they are for dd2 because she wasn't intelligent enough to pass the grammar exams.

@Petrarkanian that's my own view too for my DC. Both would thrive at private schools near us. Not academically any better as our state high is good but sports wise it's a different world. Both play sports 6 days a week outside of school. But private kids do that plus 8-10 hours a week in school too.
And the connections they make.
But I can't afford it or won't pay £250k out that I could use for their uni etc

In this case DD1 wouldn't have had private offered as they can't afford two sets fees. So it's not quite equal that way either. I never put DC1 in for entrance exams as I knew we could afford one set of frees but not two

Put them both in state secondary and save the fees as a joint education/deposit fund. This will go badly as you have things currently.

Ds2 has a scholarship to private school, ds1 doesn’t. We don’t save the difference for ds2! Despite the discount, ds2 will probably cost more overall as he’s doing a couple of extra curricular things and ds1 had more “low inflation” years

Should they pull DD1 out of grammar and into a comp, then?

She might not have passed the grammar exams, but she has talents in other area that led to a 50% bursary

your dd1 is being a brat.

I think it's wrong to be saving such large amounts for her but not dd2. sure, dd2s school may have better extracurricular so even the balance by paying for some expensive extracurricular things for dd1, but keep your savings for eventual house deposits equal between them.

your DDs need to understand that fair and equitable treatment does not mean everyone getting the same treatment. euitable treatment means that if one DD can get into the excellent state grammar and the other doesn't manage that, then it's only right and fair to facilitate the other going to an independent school of similar quality.

siblings often have this kind of bickering and oneupmanship. if you send them to the same school as each other there will still be the same fights, just different excuses.

We had this situation but the other way round. Dd got a grammar school offer and a bursary for an independent school (75% off). We chose the independent because it was nearer and we loved the vibe/the opportunities etc. Ds took the same exams but only got one offer from a grammar school.

I felt guilty mainly because it was further away for him to travel and not an easy journey. In terms of education, it wasn't inferior. The main difference was all the extra curricular clubs that dd got to do after school. But ds has always had the option of doing stuff outside of school and has taken us up on various things.

I made sure we spent equally on school trips and gave them both the chance to do an overseas one.

Ds has never mentioned the extra money we spent on dd. He knows he didn't get into the equivalent boys school though, so it wasn't an option for him - so maybe that helps. But mainly we've never mentioned the money either and I don't think he sees it as money spent 'on her' particularly. He doesn't think we've treated them unfairly.

I definitely wont be giving him money to compensate (they're now first year uni and sixth form). I'm not sure why your dd1 is focusing on the money side of things? As long as they've both got equal opportunities to access a good education and extra curricular stuff, then you've treated them equally. I mean, if one did piano lessons at £25 lesson and the other did swimming instead, at £7, would you feel you had to give the latter on £18 every week? That would be mad.

you don't do anything. You remind your girls they're both getting excellent educations based on their skills the fact one is private is neither here nor there. You've made the decisions with their best interests at heart and you don't want to hear anything more about itEqually you tell DD2 she stops complaining about friends coming over. Don't save money for DD1, that's asking for trouble. You have nothing to feel bad about so tell them this is how it is and the discussion and complaints are closed.

NO they don't. Equal is providing them with the best education to meet their needs. It's not about the amount of money spent on that education

That's your opinion. However they stated that dd1 also got accepted to private school , but they couldn't afford the fees for both. So the best education for dd1 was also private school, which they're not paying for.