Epsom College tragedy

[Bambala]

I was horrified to read the story about the headteacher and family dying this morning, this poor family and I can't stop thinking about how the children at school must feel learning about this tragedy. I am sure the staff there are being brilliant at supporting them. I remember hearing that my old headteacher had died after I left school and even then being really shocked and upset.

I mean physical strength. A good career doesn't give you special powers to deal with a man, who can exercise coercive control or actual violence by using his physicality.

Abusers are unstable people. For myself, I see particular common factors to avoid. People who need constant help, who cannot do things despite constant support or guidance and otherwise in a good position financially by not doing so present an issue. The hopeless partner may not be that hopeless

Living at school must have made it harder for her to call the police as it would be so visible to everyone and she'd feel pressure to keep up appearances.

We have to learn somehow to stand up to these men, and get rid, giving them chance after chance, put yourself and your family first, do they ever change? I don't think so. Has anyone got a volatile husband with access to a gun - speak to someone please.

spoken like a true gun apologist

Or, in other words, someone behaved in a way that is beyond my experience therefore their behaviour doesn’t exist because I can’t see/don’t know about it.

It has been shown over and over again in these cases that people men don't 'just snap'. That's a line generally used to justify male violence and abuse.

I’d be banned from MN if I said what I really think about the murderous coward that did this.

I agree he would just have found another way to murder his family. I’m feeling sick that so many women sought to minimise the likely truth earlier on this thread. I guess it’s our way of gift from the horrible reality that men like this exist, that at least one in four women posting on this thread will have experienced living with such an inadequate man, and the sad truth is that any male abuser could do this to any one of us. Family annihilatirs don’t have it tattooed on their forehead.

I would like to think it might encourage women in abusive relationships to get out, but then we face the equally dreadful reality that it would put them into serious risk to try and do so.

@Awiltu , @LexMitior couldn't agree more. It horrifies me how many people completely fail to grasp how coercive control and domestic violence work, with attitudes such as @Oaktree55 displays. This tragic scenario and so many others like it were front and centre in my mind for many days and nights as I planned how to extricate myself from my abusive marriage.

No. The problem is violent men who think they own their wives & children.

And the bigger problem is a society which finds excuses for these murderous bastard cowards.

Who has found excuses for him?

You have to wonder why there is a such a concerted effort to stop women discussing male violence.

Statistically, most of us know victims of domestic abuse, whatever our social circle. Victims are people like us.

I got deleted yesterday for expressing my sorrow that once again a violent man has murdered his wife and child. So let me try again.

May Emma and Lettie rest in peace.

Agree. Why should women collude in not discussing it.

I pray that the little girl was asleep at the time and knew nothing. She and her mum are at least spared a lifetime of trying to process this horror. May they rest in peace together x

Living at school must have made it harder for her to call the police as it would be so visible to everyone and she'd feel pressure to keep up appearances.

DH is a housemaster and we've lived on school campuses for over a decade. This is exactly the point I keep coming back to in my mind. Boarding schools are amazing communities for staff and families, but the flip side of that is that they can be claustrophobic, and very, very gossipy. Being at a very new school, with the top job, I keep thinking of how hard it would have been for her in terms of keeping up appearances if there were already cracks or abuse in the marriage (which of course we don't know), and also if she hesitated in calling police that night due to what the consequences would have been reputationally for her, and for her family's future. I feel so terribly sad for her and her little girl.

There is another thread about this tragedy and a poster says she is friends with people who knew Emma and that he did have form for being controlling.

I am also from the same world as Emma. Living on site in a boarding school is a goldfish bowl- the whole family is on show, people will gossip and judge if they see any cracks in the family unit. But as your career is wrapped up in it, it becomes vital to keep the illusion alive.

As a pp said:
*
You try desperately to live a life that looks as normal and happy and successful as possible to external observers, so that other people don't suspect. Because being in that situation brings a deep sense of shame - shame that you ended up there, shame that you can't "fix" it, shame that you can't get yourself out of it as easily as other people might expect you to, shame that others will judge you.*

The fact he called the police on her and withdrew the complaint is evidence of coercive control. An abusive partner would do that, showing her what he could do to her career if she stepped out of line.

I am speaking from first hand experience when I say he could have twisted the situation to his advantage and changed the narrative so that he was the victim. Everything she had worked so hard for in
her career could have been at threat from him. Also he could have been using threats of taking the daughter and using the evidence of having had to call the police previously as the fact she is an unfit mother and that he deserves full custody.

She may have been constantly trying to appease him and no one would have known unless she told them

man capable of killing his entire family might be someone his wife tries to avoid upsetting.

I had met her a couple of times and I instantly warmed to her. Perhaps I spotted a kindred spirit, I don't know. But I can certainly empathise with why she would have done nothing, and also could not call the police because of the scandal it would have entailed. I just feel so much for her family member that she did call.

On another note, in response to the gun argument- in his rage I think he would have killed her regardless. But I think Lettie would have been spared if he had killed Emma first with a knife or something and then knew he had to inflict that on his child. But no one will ever know for sure.

Brilliant post.

But although we will never know if he had spared Lettie if he didn't have a gun, this didn't stop either Jeffrey MacDonald or Chris Watts (or many of the other family annihilators).

Yes even if Emma Pattison had escaped and got divorced she would barely ever have talked about it. It would have been a source of gossip and shame and social isolation.

Who would have done those things to get? Mostly women who have no idea of the challenge. You see them on here, blaming away, comfortable and declaring she should have done x or y.

Actually, unless you are up for physical fight with a much stronger man than you, where the odds are you will die, then no, you aren't going to do much, even with children. Especially with children to protect. This is how most women are murdered, by their men.

Excellent points. There’s also the international aspect to this - if they split up, would he move to Jamaica? Would she have to let her daughter visit him abroad?

My hunch is rust he’s been a bit of a project in the family for years. Simultaneously in chaos but callously controlling.

It’s been widely reported that she phoned a relative hours before she was shot. Such a shame she didn’t leave the house. She was distressed apparently. This is such an awful tragedy.,

I think he grew up in Kent, why would he go to Jamaica?

@Minteraye because @mrcE1 has read that he was born there and is trying to throw in some xenophobia for good measure. Shameful.

I was horrified! I visited Epsom College before and really liked it! The husband was crazy, he couldnt accept the fact that his wife was doing better than him. She was 6 yrs older than him, so if everything equal, she would be more mature and wiser, and should reach the peak of her career earlier!

If he couldnt bear with a wife smarter than him, then he should have married a 20 yr old who earns less than himself! So pathetic!

This kind of character was probably very unpopular at work, and was not doing well, that's why he had to change job, for the worse!

This type of character may well have been extremely charming at work and with other people. They often are.

It's another factor that makes it hard for women to leave.

@LavenderHillMob , agree, this type are normally really popular, come across as "fun". Often have a partner who is financial stable to allow them to live the "good life", ie he liked fast cars, but don't have to have the career to pay for it. I wonder if the house sale had left them with little equity to buy another house so he felt "trapped" in the school accommodation linked to her job.