Our Prep school feels absolutely brutal right now. Are others any different?

[Theguiltyfeminist]

DD is a good kid. She gets her head down and works really hard and is nice to the other children. Other parents have said to me how pleased they are that their kids are friends with her. She joins in with lessons, puts her hand up and to the best of my knowledge, causes no trouble.

She has moved up to Y4 of a large, well known prep. They talk the talk about child mental health and finding every child’s niche but the truth is the kids who are not academic or sporting or dramatic stars, or drowning at the bottom end, are absolutely and completely invisible. Her form teacher knows almost nothing about her - parents evening was excruciating. I had to have a meeting with her Head of Year recently, and raised this, and he didn’t seem to think this was a problem.

When I say “academic stars”, I mean the kids whose CAT scores are 138+. It’s not technically a selective school but DD’s scores are c130 and her Head of Year is very openly telling me that she’s just average and that they don’t consider her to be a “clever kid”. When I say “musical stars”, I mean the kids who doing Grade 8 in Y4. She plays two instruments to a high level but school doesn’t consider that to be particularly musical. They assess the kids every few weeks and read out the highest and lowest scores for the tests in front of the class. I don’t think they name the person with the lowest score, but obviously it makes that child feel terrible and they then have to hide it in front of their friends. It all just feels so harsh for 8 year olds. This hasn’t happened to DD yet but it may do one day.

I feel that her self esteem is taking a bit of a battering at the moment - it’s tough work in really hard and nobody ever noticing. Neither DH nor I were educated in the independent sector and so perhaps it’s considered to be perfectly normal and our expectations are unreasonable? Are all prep schools like this? She has lovely friends and loves the sport and music and drama - I don’t want to suggest to her that we move her if actually this is just the way it is across the whole sector?

Wow. I wouldn't pay for that!

And you're paying for this?

Sorry - that should say “working hard”. Am typing with a small child sitting on me…

We’re obviously thinking hard about all this now that we’re starting to look at senior schools - we’ll definitely be looking for something more nurturing - but I’m not sure whether we hang on for the end of prep school or whether the grass wouldn’t be any greener elsewhere anyway.

This is cruel and outdated.

I wouldn't pay for that either. Put her in a school where she is valued and nurtured, state or private, but choose one that fits her.

There are some selective private schools round here which are like this, and some which are not. It’s quite well-known locally which ones have the brutal approach; I suppose some parents feel this suits their child. It’s not for me or mine, but my DC are at a totally different independent school which has a ‘whole child’ outlook, with a particular focus on pastoral care and individual strengths.

So no, I don’t think they are all like your experience

Crikey that sounds pretty rough at age 8!

I wouldn’t be happy with that. Unfortunately it does seem like independent schools can do what they like. Do you have any good state school options locally?

No, its not normal, this sounds crap. Look at other schools, it's not the right fit.

Mine went to a very academic independent school and even the one who wasn't that academic was made to feel as though there were things she was really good at - tbh this was why we kept her there rather than state.

Obviously there are crap state schools. But I’m not sure I could willingly pay for my child to have their soul slowly destroyed 🙁

I don’t think it’s like this across the sector no. DD went to a small local prep and it was lovely- small classes, nurturing, lots of sweet traditions and behaviours. They (the school) were unashamedly competitive but with so many activities on offer there was a good spread of kids who excelled at different things, so it never felt brutal. It was lovely- worth every penny. I would see what else is available. It can be hard to move in the upper yrs- friendship groups are obviously so established- but it can work and your dd sounds like she would fit in anywhere. Good luck

No that's not normal in private or state primaries as far as I'm aware. I would be looking elsewhere.

It really depends on the prep schools. Some are absolutely like this.

Would you feel different if your dd was a star?

There is a reason why so many in prep still have to employ tutors.

Oh, i don't know, it was totally normal in the state primary dd1 went to - at parents evening we were confused until we realised that the teacher had got dd1 muddled up with another child and then was huffy and unapologetic and quite unpleasant about dd1 🤣 which is part of the reason why we ended up going private.

No it's not normal but I too have seen this happening. I would remove your daughter from this school asap and choose a school that gets the work done but has great pastoral care and encourages all children. It matters

Please send her to a normal school! She is far too young to be dealing with such pressure to perform!

My dcs were/are going to a private school.
The school seems to have a similar ethos to your dd school.

They STILL saw dc2, average child, very quiet and usually completely ignored.

Im afraid that school is crap. Regardless of how average or not a child is, they should still bring the best out if them. They should know the child. They should give them the same amount of support/interest.

One thing though is that it’s always going to be difficult for her to shine (and realise she IS that good) if she is surrounded by really clever people. That’s true even when the school is good. Dc1 never shined at that school despite being in the top 10% nation wide iyswim.

Goodness I would be very unhappy with that! I had a Zoom meeting (post Covid) with my DS's form tutor in a state school and the man hardly seemed to know my DS and I felt a bit down and wished he could be at a private school where I felt sure they would know him and get him - but maybe not! Your DD seems to be doing well academically and musically so if she's enjoying the school maybe just await developments.

My DS went to a small, non-selective mixed prep with a wonderful nurturing atmosphere, where they cared about all the children and did their best to celebrate their individual strengths.

DD went to two different and larger preps, which both had less of a village school type atmosphere, but which had lovely, kind staff and an environment utterly unlike the pressured and unforgiving one the OP describes at her child’s school.

I did know of a school which had a reputation for being very pushy and results at all costs. It shed staff in droves, despite its excellent academic results because it was a damn miserable place to work at too.

I would move her, OP. There are plenty of nicer schools for your DD in both the independent and state sector.

It depends what you mean by her form teacher didn't know anything about her. What are you expecting them to know? They willreally only know how their behaviour is, if they have friends and if they have had any issues. Unless they also teach your dd?? Parents evenings are not times where the teacher tells you what you already know about your dd e g she likes dancing etc. It is either pastoral so do they seem happy and settled with the right attitude to learni g or academic how are they performing in their lessons. What information was missing?

8?!

Am in Scotland, was thinking you were talking about a 15 year old or something! This is madness and the care and concern for mental health is surely only lip service? Sounds an absolutely awful environment which does not see the child as anything other than an exam passer.

Send her to state school, they will love her. You can spend a mall fraction of the money you save on fees on some additional clubs and activities that the state school is unable to provide.

I think you are also finding the reality of being with other hard working and smart kids a little less enjoyable. In a school like this your dd will be one of many who play instruments, do sports and extra curricular and perform well. In a normal bog standard school her achievements will stand out more and she may get more lavish praise. Ultimately the question should be
Is she happy? Is she making good progress in her learning? I might be wrong but you seem offended that they don't regard her as highly as you think they should.

It sounds like your post is a bit melodramatic. Maybe it just isn't the school for her. I sometimes hear things about my DCs' schools from other parents and wonder if our kids attend the same school. Prep schools are pushy places they live and die by their exit results, they are probably just managing expectations.

I wouldn't move her because of this - not just for 2 years. She's got good friends, is doing okay academically and well musically, has learned to work hard, enjoys the other activities. This is all valuable and I wouldn't disrupt it. Personally I don't think it's so terrible to be aware that you are in the middle of the class rather than at the top of it. Getting the highest mark and being the star of the show isn't everything, and I think you'll find that at secondary level that kind of differentiation is more the norm in many private schools. But you're clearly right to be looking for a different school for secondary.