Our Prep school feels absolutely brutal right now. Are others any different?

[Theguiltyfeminist]

DD is a good kid. She gets her head down and works really hard and is nice to the other children. Other parents have said to me how pleased they are that their kids are friends with her. She joins in with lessons, puts her hand up and to the best of my knowledge, causes no trouble.

She has moved up to Y4 of a large, well known prep. They talk the talk about child mental health and finding every child’s niche but the truth is the kids who are not academic or sporting or dramatic stars, or drowning at the bottom end, are absolutely and completely invisible. Her form teacher knows almost nothing about her - parents evening was excruciating. I had to have a meeting with her Head of Year recently, and raised this, and he didn’t seem to think this was a problem.

When I say “academic stars”, I mean the kids whose CAT scores are 138+. It’s not technically a selective school but DD’s scores are c130 and her Head of Year is very openly telling me that she’s just average and that they don’t consider her to be a “clever kid”. When I say “musical stars”, I mean the kids who doing Grade 8 in Y4. She plays two instruments to a high level but school doesn’t consider that to be particularly musical. They assess the kids every few weeks and read out the highest and lowest scores for the tests in front of the class. I don’t think they name the person with the lowest score, but obviously it makes that child feel terrible and they then have to hide it in front of their friends. It all just feels so harsh for 8 year olds. This hasn’t happened to DD yet but it may do one day.

I feel that her self esteem is taking a bit of a battering at the moment - it’s tough work in really hard and nobody ever noticing. Neither DH nor I were educated in the independent sector and so perhaps it’s considered to be perfectly normal and our expectations are unreasonable? Are all prep schools like this? She has lovely friends and loves the sport and music and drama - I don’t want to suggest to her that we move her if actually this is just the way it is across the whole sector?

I was a distinctly average child who turned out to be a distinctly average adult. Your child sounds well above average and is being made to feel like a failure by her school. There’s no good ending here.

I’d just move her to state

Ds is in a selective secondary and it doesn’t sound this intense

Grade 8 in year 4 is deeply unusual. My dc went to a specialist music school and grade 8 in year 6 or 7, depending on instrument, was considered good going.

I know a violin/piano prodigy who managed to get both grade 8s just before her 10th birthday and also know she was one of the youngest in the country.

Given how unusual 138+ CAT results are, I think the OP would find pretty much any other school in the country would be less crammed with music prodigies and academic geniuses.

You seriously need to look at other schools. You are either wildly exaggerating or this is no place to send your child. I can be a (slight!) tiger mother (with kids ranging from ‘massively capable’ to ‘not so much’) but absolutely know that this environment would be toxic for any of my kids. Bin the competitive misery, it’s no fun for them (most importantly) or you.

Is it also possible that this years teacher is absolutely crap? But other teachers are better and much more attentive/know their pupils?

How was your experience of the previous years?

I think the push had been somewhat….economical with the truth on the scores and grades at the school 🤓

I have a 16yo at an academically selective secondary school and there is nothing like this kind of pressure. In my experience it’s always a red flag for a school or teacher if they resort to ‘we have lots of high achieving students at this school’ in response to a query about your child. It is a subtle put down of your child to remind you they’re not special and to put you in your place so you won’t make waves again.

Then again I do note there is a strong belief amongst many parents that it’s fundamentally important for kids to receive prizes and be ‘recognised’. I’m not convinced that it is; so far my kids are thriving being smart kids surrounded by other smart kids, but not being ‘the best’. Those star kids often feel a lot of pressure to continue to succeed and that they have a target on their back.

At my DS's school, there were absolutely children in year 5 who had completed grade 8 on their main instrument so working towards grade 8 in year 4 is possible. It's no bad thing for a child to be in the middle of the school, depending on their mind set. They can learn the valuable lessons about not defining your self-worth on being top of everything, comparing yourself to your previous performance, working out whether you enjoy subjects for themselves (rather than for being perceived as the biggest fish in a small pond). It takes some pressure off if you don't have to be the best all the time, which is what I expect your DD would experience if she were at a "normal" school. That said, you are right to question the value add of the school. Is she learning and getting opportunities for stretch?

That people would pay to inflict this damage on to their smalls is beyond me.

we could afford it, and sometimes I do wonder whether deciding to invest what we could afford into the house, holidays and top up activities and savings is worth it and whether one of the shiny private schools would have been worth sacrificing the rest of it for. But then I read this and thank my stars it’s not my kid there:(

To be clear, neither I nor DD are upset because she’s not a star - that’s somewhat missing the point of the post. The whole point is that I’m upset because she deserves to be recognised and praised for the other stuff like kindness and hard work even though she’s not a star. You don’t have to be a star to be a good person. I have never in my life been so proud as when DD defended her friend who was the recipient of some nastiness recently. Far more proud than any maths test could have made me.

And the child doing Grade 8. I wish I were joking. I hear A LOT from this child about how she’s doing her Grade 8 exam very soon. I also thought it was perhaps a stretching of the truth but her mum also mentioned it one day - I have no reason to believe that she is lying. I obviously didn’t ask to go into her house and look at her music to check. 😄 I mean, I guess you might say there’s no guarantee she’ll pass it, but I have been informed many times that she’s sitting it.

Again, on the issue of the CAT scores, I don’t have any way of confirming whether they do indeed have lots of kids at school with those scores, but I sort of have to assume that the Head of Year wouldn’t outright lie to me. That would be even weirder than the other stuff they do… 🙄

You have just described, pretty much, my prep school experience from 30 years ago! It was brutal, we had every test mark pinned up on the classroom wall, we had ‘form order’ at the end of every week where the whole school assembled and marks were read out in front of everyone. Life was reasonably tolerable if you were a ‘star’ in one aspect of school, but not actually comfortable. I was very academic, always top of the form, but it was shit having my marks read out and commented on (it was noted eg if my average dropped, or if my history mark was slightly lacking etc), and my life was hell on the sports field or in the art room, where excellence was still demanded but I just couldn’t keep up.

i survived, but it was just that - survival. I opted out of a competitive secondary (much to my headmaster’s disgust), despite having won scholarships to several.

I have actively selected schools for my dc that are the opposite of that - ones with space and time for my dc to be them.

OP, if you can move your dd, I would. I did enjoy my prep, to an extent, because the work challenged me, but these days all schools are better at differentiating for pupils and stretching them. You don’t want your dd to survive school, she should be actively enjoying it (especially since you are paying for the privilege)

I don't really understand why you feel your child needs to be made to feel special by the school? Why does she need building up? My DC was one of the brightest children at school, worked hard and is a sweetie, but never got star of the week / the term / the year group or any other accolade until after had left secondary school (final prize giving). I thought it was a bit odd but really, so what, and not worth mentioning. If your child needs building up, you can do that at home.
And saying who came first in a test is completely different from putting everyone's marks up on the wall (I know of some schools that still do that). My DC had to change schools at exactly this age, and it was a really unhappy experience for them for quite a while. The new school was nice, but they missed their old school and their old friends so much. I wouldn't put your DD through that so unnecessarily. Wait till lots of children are leaving to go to different secondary schools.

You think she should be recognised for her kindness. Well she is. She has good friends. That's the real recognition and I suspect that that is what is important to her. Having known a few girls of that age. And that is what you're thinking of taking away from her.

To be honest I’m not sure what ‘special attention’ you’re expecting her to get if she isn’t excelling in some area or very behind. That said you’re paying a lot of money for it so should move her if you’re not happy with the service she is receiving.
maybe a ‘nurturing’ comp? 😉

Hmm my DD is 8 and plays an instrument and her fingers are not physically developed enough to play grade 8 pieces. They are still baby hands, she'd need strong, long reach finger muscles to do that kind of level.

Maybe the mum is talking about the grade 8 out of 20 in the play-by-app game she has signed her up to 😁

One of my DDs went to a well-known private secondary school. She was/is a bright lass, but she was surrounded by pupils who were in the National Youth Choir/Orchestra, played netball for the county etc. etc.

In spite of her being very talented and doing well, she absorbed the idea that she was mediocre and it took all our efforts to maintain her self-esteem. If she had gone to the local; state school she would have shone like a beacon.

It was the biggest education mistake we made.

Big fish small pond, small fish big pond. They've both got downsides. Of course we want people to recognise the loveliness of our children, whether their accomplishments or their personalities. A good private school should do this. But I wouldn't move a 9 year old with a good friendship group who is happy. Particularly when there is a natural break in a couple of years where you can get off this particular train if you think it's best for her. I've been there done that with DS in a school where 138 standardised score is "average" and there are pockets of children at grade 7 and 8 on their instruments at age 9 or 10 or competing in the nationals at sport. These kids are really dedicated and specialise in what they do. If your DD is able to let this wash over her and focus on her interests, that will be a good lesson for life.

This isn’t normal for prep schools. Your kid’s class teacher should absolutely know them well and talk about their learning styles, strengths, areas of challenge and strategies they’re going to be using to support them in detail. Their achievements and also attributes - should be acknowledged. They shouldn’t be shamed. Would look for somewhere else.

The Head of School is most definitely lying about the CAT scores if as you say the school is non selective. You can count on one hand the number of Prep schools in the country where a 130 CAT scoring two instruments playing DC is just average for it's cohorts. This is basically Westminster Under School Level.

To put it into perspective, there are pupils with that exact score at every single Top Independent and Grammar school in the country. As long as your child is thriving and enjoying Her time at the school,I'd leave Her there. If not, then there are plenty of other Preps that would happily welcome Her.

If you're not exaggerating, I'd look for a different school now. Please don't leave this until secondary school, all her confidence and optimism would have been eroded by then.

Sounds a nightmare. Why are you paying for this?

My kids are in a London state primary and they have been amazing for both my SEN child and my able other children. There is literally zero pressure and they skip in enjoying learning and being kids.

Is there some thing where if you’re paying for it, you sort of feel you have to be getting something worthwhile? I’d move her to somewhere more nurturing.

I went to an average stats school and also played in the NYO. It's not just the rich who have dedication and talent.

Although maybe they avoid typos and that's the key to success 😊

Her form teacher knows almost nothing about her - parents evening was excruciating. I had to have a meeting with her Head of Year recently, and raised this, and he didn’t seem to think this was a problem

This isn't good enough, is it? Esp for a fee-paying school.

I think the real issue is the teacher not knowing who your DD is and then, when the school is challenged on this, rather than saying ‘I understand why that concerns you, let me look into it’, they are defensive and say that no one can be expected to know her because she’s average. I’d think about moving my DC if that was the case in their school, and I’m not paying for their education.