Our Prep school feels absolutely brutal right now. Are others any different?

[Theguiltyfeminist]

DD is a good kid. She gets her head down and works really hard and is nice to the other children. Other parents have said to me how pleased they are that their kids are friends with her. She joins in with lessons, puts her hand up and to the best of my knowledge, causes no trouble.

She has moved up to Y4 of a large, well known prep. They talk the talk about child mental health and finding every child’s niche but the truth is the kids who are not academic or sporting or dramatic stars, or drowning at the bottom end, are absolutely and completely invisible. Her form teacher knows almost nothing about her - parents evening was excruciating. I had to have a meeting with her Head of Year recently, and raised this, and he didn’t seem to think this was a problem.

When I say “academic stars”, I mean the kids whose CAT scores are 138+. It’s not technically a selective school but DD’s scores are c130 and her Head of Year is very openly telling me that she’s just average and that they don’t consider her to be a “clever kid”. When I say “musical stars”, I mean the kids who doing Grade 8 in Y4. She plays two instruments to a high level but school doesn’t consider that to be particularly musical. They assess the kids every few weeks and read out the highest and lowest scores for the tests in front of the class. I don’t think they name the person with the lowest score, but obviously it makes that child feel terrible and they then have to hide it in front of their friends. It all just feels so harsh for 8 year olds. This hasn’t happened to DD yet but it may do one day.

I feel that her self esteem is taking a bit of a battering at the moment - it’s tough work in really hard and nobody ever noticing. Neither DH nor I were educated in the independent sector and so perhaps it’s considered to be perfectly normal and our expectations are unreasonable? Are all prep schools like this? She has lovely friends and loves the sport and music and drama - I don’t want to suggest to her that we move her if actually this is just the way it is across the whole sector?

Every school can have a poor teacher, and every teacher can have an off day. But if the culture of the school is to blame the teacher’s lack of preparation on the child being unmemorable then you have to wonder what else they are covering up and brushing under the carpet.

Cat scores of 90-100 are considered average, 130+ is absolutely gifted and high. They sound ridiculous and back in the 1960s with the reading out of scores. Your child sounds delightful, I'd find somewhere more supportive.

We’ve just been through this. It becomes more damaging to a child’s self esteem as they get to years 5 & 6. The sooner you more your child away from the toxicity the better and easier a transition will be. We left it a little late and wish we had moved by year 5, but we were trying to see it through & hoped things would get better if we spoke to school. It never did.

It’s categorically not normal, except perhaps in London and one or two other places. If you tell us roughly where you are geographically I’m sure people can suggest schools which are far less pressured and more nurturing.

I would move her. If there’s an all through indie near you that might be best as they all being well she can stay at 11 or at least it will be an option.

One of the ‘benefits’ of independent schooling is meant to be smaller class sizes so more attention. Not ignoring some of the children.

My kids went to a prep school like this and had very similar experience. It was outdated and they were encouraged to be super competitive to each other which turned into bullying yet if the bullies were good at sport they would be team captain or whatever and never challenged on their behavior. By the time my eldest went into year 4 she had anxiety about going into school, had low self esteem , would cry every time I dropped her off. Same started happening to my younger ones. One day I went into school in the middle of the day and there was such a horrible atmosphere and all I could here were teachers shouting at kids. That was the day I realized how ridiculous it was keeping them at a school I hated and they did too. I took all 3 out and sent them to a smaller more nurturing prep school with shorter hours and they are super happy now and thriving. My only regret is not doing it sooner. I still have friends who have kids there who moan about how awful it is but don’t have the nerve to move them. If I were you I’d move her asap before any damage is done to her self esteem. It doesn’t have to be private either, not all private schools are good. Find one where being kind to the kids is more important than anything else, and the rest will follow naturally!

This honestly seems obscene. What a soul-crushing experience for an 8 year old. None of what you have described sounds like good schooling or good teaching.
Second what @loverofpants says about your child's standardized score. 130 is very far above average in the grand scheme. Your child would certainly thrive in a more relaxed environment with her current level of attainment.
Also would question how good this school is if, at 8 years old, it's writing children off as 'average' rather than examining data to establish where gaps are and close them so as to help ALL children make progress. Maybe the teachers can't, or won't, support children who aren't the very highest of the high. They're either lazy or don't know how to.

My children went to 5 different prep schools between them, mostly academically selective and none of them were like this.

Ds' senior school is 100% as you describe.and he took an absolute battering. We didn't know it was going to be like this and worried constantly about his mental health. He decided to stick it out, not sure it was the right decision, but his mental health is fine and he has a very good work ethic now probably as a result of feeling he has had to keep up with super smart kids.

I am not sure I would choose it again, but like others say, definitely not the norm and a high mental health risk. Relieved my other ones didn't go through it tbh. It's absolute madness.

it would be good to know what these awful schools are so we can all avoid them!

It sounds horrendous. I’d look at state and private alternatives. I think the issue (in both sectors, but maybe particularly private in some areas of the country) is that some schools think that is what parents want - and tbh it probably is what a lot of parents want. So the school won’t see the problem.

There are absolutely alternatives though. They may be the schools other parents look down on. So you will need to be strong enough to not mind about that.

We purposely prioritised ds3’s mental health over school pressure for secondary and sent him to a slightly unusual free school. The free school structure was problematic tbh as the state system doesn’t really allow for different models of education.

Various reasons for our choice but he had been an anxious younger child and had through a traumatic experience in later primary years & I felt he didn’t need a bootcamp/pressured school. There were some mutterings from my mother, some shock from his (private) primary & no doubt comments amongst other parents. After a couple of years even my mother said ‘I must admit that school has been good for his confidence’. He’s an adult now and we definitely made the right decision. He probably would have done better academically elsewhere tbh but he is happy, hard working, reliable with no anxiety or mental health concerns at all. And that was the outcome we wanted & why we chose that school.

ds2 incidentally went to a boys grammar until 16. He says it has made him robust & able to cope with people being incredibly rude about him (largely from the interactions of the boys!). He was also an average type kid who was completely invisible there. I think the same school would have destroyed ds3. He would not have handled it well at all. DS2 wasn’t unhappy at the grammar, but switched to a large comp because of subject choice at 16 and that was his favourite school of all (out of private primary, grammar, comp). What I liked about the comp (& the free school for ds3) was that even after one term the teachers seemed to know him. Never got that feeling at the grammar. I think you are right to be concerned about that as it suggests your child isn’t valued in the system they are in.

"I feel that her self esteem is taking a bit of a battering at the moment - it’s tough work in really hard and nobody ever noticing."

Is this genuinely what your DD feels or is this what you feel? I suspect the latter tbh. Your DD is very young to be concerned with peer pressure and her position in the class; this shouldn't even be on her radar at this point.

It does sound like your DD is doing well but you want her to be the shining star amongst a cohort of other high achieving kids. Of course it's not possible for every kid to be the best, most kids are average.

If she's doing well, enjoys school, has good friends and you are getting your money's worth in terms of the extra curricular programme, quality of education and the opportunity to meet the right sort of people, I honestly don't see a problem.

But in the end, you're paying £££ so if you're not happy and think there are better schools out there that would suit your family more, I would move her.

I’ve taught in the independent sector for over 20 years and have never known anything like this. My youngest DD is a similar age at our Prep and is known, loved and having a wonderful time. I would start looking at other schools. Understand that you don’t want to name the school but whereabouts in the country are you? South West possibly?

To be honest, if I were to say where in the country we are, it’d probably out me, given the details I’ve put above, and I don’t want there to be any negative consequences for DD. I’m really sorry if that means I’m not doing my bit in warning other families off, but I think you can probably understand where I’m coming from.

Fair enough but maybe consider visiting some other schools see what they feel like in the daytime, not an open morning.

Or name change and ask for options

I would add that once a school isn't working for your child, it rarely improves. I would definitely go and visit others. Good luck.

OP, the fact you think it will be outing to say that you are in, for example, the Home Counties, also suggests you know deep down how unusual your school is. If every prep school did this (I’m in Oxon and there are about 20 preps in a 20 mile radius for example), then it couldn’t possibly be outing.
It would definitely be worth going round a good few asap, before they break up. You could have your daughter in place for the summer term at somewhere she will thrive.

I’m not justifying terrible schools or treating children poorly, but I also think that sometimes when parents choose schools they don’t think through their choices.

Especially when parents want highly selective schools at any age, they have to realise that there will be academic pressures. This isn’t to say that there should be undue pressure, but quite what children and parents view as undue pressure does vary. Some children are at schools where the academic level just doesn’t suit them…..and that can be soul destroying. If you would be average or top achieving in another school, but find yourself at the bottom all the way through inna highly selective school, and despite trying hard, are always struggling, it won’t be a nice experience. I don’t think this is what the OP is describing, but actually many parents find they have put their kids into this kind of situation. Because they want the highly academic, the prestige and the results, they push their children in who aren’t really suited. And then when their children struggle, it’s all the schools fault. I think this is especially the case where children might be in a linked-Prep and get an easier ride into the senior school as a result.

I also think that parents should be prepared to spot when a school isn’t right for their child and move them. Lots don’t though. If it’s the school of choice in the area, it feels like a humiliation and failure to take them away from the school that parents mostly want and to put them in a school seen as ‘lesser’. But if they thrive somewhere else, then of course it’s the right thing. The trouble is, it’s hard for parents to know. They hope that struggling ir being miserable is a blip, or if the atmosphere feels harsh ir uncaring it’s just one teacher. Sometimes it is a whole school issue, and sometimes it’s just that the child isn’t really suited to the school and even if people are kind and nurturing, that child will always struggle in that cohort. But parents don’t like to recognise the latter. When they eventually move their child, it’s often on openly bad terms with the school or unspoken bad terms. The sense is that the school failed the child. It’s hard to think of it as having been a poor choice…but sometimes that’s the reality. In senior schools, there are often children whose Prep told them, that senior school wasn’t the best choice for their child. But parents ignited the advice, decided ‘aspiration’ was important and the Prep wasn’t aspirational enough for their child. And then later, after having managed to secure a place, funnily enough things don’t always work out so well. But then it becomes the fault if the senior school and rarely do parents consider that perhaps they didn’t make a good choice.

I’m not saying this is always the case. I’m not saying none schools ever do a bad job or create an unpleasant atmosphere or apply excessive pressure. Those things happen. But also, there are other reasons too why children don’t thrive in schools, and people need to consider their own choices as parents too, and also quite simply to be honest and real about their children’s strengths and personality types and know all schools aren’t suited to all children.

Yes - good point. My dd is predicted A or A star and 2 x Bs at A level and she's bottom of the class. She gets her confidence in other areas which the school have made an effort to find.

Oh and sorry, one last thing….I would say too that mental health difficulties are rife amongst young people. It seems a wide range of factors have prompted this and it’s so worrying for parents and schools. Totally soul destroying to see your lovely child broken down with anxiety or whatever it is. These days, most schools have more support than ever, but the reality is they can’t magic it away. Some children have complex difficulties. Some of them would struggle hugely in any school. As part of trying to understand the causes and solutions, parents often look at schools as the source of the difficulty. It can be, but often the issues are bigger and wider and when children move, they can take all their issues with them and changing school isn’t the silver bullet it’s hoped to be.

There will be schools which are toxic. Often those who leave have this sense. Many who remain behind won’t feel like this.

She is a star.

I moved my children out of a school like this and found one that celebrated each and every child, my children are happy and secure now - that's what is important x

Gosh talk about breeding anxiety disordersand eating disorders in girls! Poor kids.

The school sounds toxic. I’d remove her and find one which values not only high academic scores but other equally important qualities.

Indeed - it was just that this school was heaving with them. My other DDs in comprehensive schools were not in that situation.