Independent School - suggestions?

[Louise2004]

We've started thinking about choosing a school for our son, who is now 8, for when he's aged 11-18. Somewhere not far from London (or with good links to London) would be ideal - Surrey, Sussex, Oxford etc. - and the school should preferably be mixed/co-ed and offer weekly boarding as well as full-time boarding. Any suggestions, as well as comments on your own/your child's schools welcome! (I like the look of Charterhouse, which is being talked about in another thread, but we'd like to check out at least 5-6 schools before we make our decision - we have some time!) Thanks.

Really sensible post from squiffy - I found exactly the reliable care and support I needed at boarding school as a teenager, and I felt much safer and more relaxed in my boarding house than I did at home. No parent wants to admit that this might be the case for their child but it's not necessarily anyone's fault - my parents are great loving people but I come from a large family which was overshadowed throughout my childhood by serious illness (my eldest sister had leukaemia). Being away at school was the first time I felt that if/when something went wrong at home there was no way I'd have to deal with it - I knew it would go through my housemaster first. (No mobiles then!) I was regularly one of the few who stayed at weekends and I felt cared for and accepted - and able to be young in some ways - in a straightforward way I hadn't before. I never had a moment of homesickness, but when I left to go to university I did miss my boarding house quite badly (impossible to admit in freshers' week!) I think it is enormously to my parents' credit that they were accepting of this and rarely seemed jealous or anything other than happy that I was happy.

But this isn't really an argument for anything other than being prepared to be as flexible and open-minded as possible about what might be best for any individual child.

I still think a significant minority are psychologically damaged simply by being away, by the rejection of that, by the parent in effect saying I am sending you away or the child asks and the parent agrees to the rejection. I am not sure anyone at 11 or 13 can really know for themselves what boarding is and take their own decision. Yes, some do fine there but others don't and I do believe that there is a greater % who don't than if you asked children in a day private school if they had problems/hated school where of course there will always be children with problems too but not of the same fundamental psychological issue of not being with the parents in the bonding, day to day sense.

Of course I know what teenagers are like and I've had three through that stage in the last few years at home. They do spend time with friends and prefer them to parents. I agree with that but if you want to maintain your influence on them I think it's better they're at home so you can counteract the view of say their friends that they ought to be 7.5 stone or that everyone smokes or drugs are cool. If you also see your parents every night who don't then you get a counter balance from school culture that you don't get so much in boarding school. Also you get kind of hardened at boarding school, forced to tolerate things, more rules etc like going in the army or living in a prison even in this day and age. Some people would say that's one of teh thing they pay for but I'd say that's actually damaging for children.

Your posts are so thoughtful, chocolatedot. You say

"I struggle to understand how anyone can say it's fine for a very young child to spend 10 hours a day in group care, have both parents working full time and only see them for 30 - 60 waking mins a day, weekends and 4 weeks holiday while at the same time suggesting that a 14 year old weekly boarder with access to a myriad of means of communications and living in a caring environment will likely suffer "damage" because of it."

Well as one who sent her children to nursery, I think there is a difference. Nurseries close at 6, children go to bed at 8ish, you are there at weekends with them, you go to see carol concerts and plays, you drop them off and pick them up.

Boarding school amounted to being dumped, for some children at the age of 7, for weeks and weeks at a time.

But the whole point is Quatro, it really isn't like that now.

Parents can and do go to see their children any weekend, most can go home at weekends if they want to

They email and have mobile phones

There are fab activities available

I made it clear in my posts that I was referring to teenage weekly boarders and also went on to say that I didn't think that nursery arrangements of that ilk do not necessarily do any damage. A lot of children do get home at 6.30pm from Nursery and are asleep by 7.00 - 7.15pm and are out of the house again at 7.30am.

Do you not see any irony that you appear rather defensive about your own parenting decisions yet are so ready to dismiss people who choose boarding school as "dumping" their children?.

If my dd goes to boarding school it's not without me having reservations. It is a 35ish minute drive from us, I can during the week as well as weekends and any whiff of being unhappy and she'll be leaving. I've been very clear that I'm not sure I want her to go because we'll miss her and that she may miss us. It also wouldn't be a consideration if the local school wasn't bottom of the surrey league tables or we could afford local day independent.

Don't get snippety, I meant the thoughtful bit in all seriousness, but I think you thought I was taking the piss.

Well I went to boarding school and didn't see my parents for what felt like months on end. My children saw me and DH every day. I do think there is a difference. Boarding might be a different experience now, but it still means not actually seeing or eating with your family for at least a week at a time.

Hurstpierpoint College - mine love it

Quat I do think you have a point but I think there is a difference between parents who allow their children to board and those who do "dump" their children their. I really hope I do know my dd well enough to pick up if she's not happy even if she doesn't admit/tell me.

I do know of some dc who are still being dumped against their wishes at boarding school they know it and I couldn't do that to my child.

Eek sorry QC - thought you were being sacrcastic and felt a bit upset that someone thought I would criticise those who rely on Nurseries from a young age!.

I know someone whose parents used to fight with each other as neither wanted him in holidays never mind during term time. The problem is that even if you see them at weekends it's not what I call proper seeing - it's seeing in fake circumstances in company on a sports ground where no boy would ever dare cry or have a cuddle and they have to keep up a front and how if they say they are happy can you know whether internally they are. Although I accept that's the same if they're at home in terms of happiness - reading that really sad article in the Sunday Times yesterday about teenage boy suicide.

MABS, I went to school and used to live in Hurstpierpoint and my then best friend's father was a teacher and housemaster there, so we were always around the grounds, great place!

Hi MABS and alibubbles, I went to [shock/horror emoticon] boarding school in Eastbourne (MoHo) and we used to have parties and discos with the boys of Hurstpierpoint.

They would be shipped to us in their minibuses! We never went there though!!!! lol!!!

I had a fab time at my school, I am now 33. Can't say there were loads of drugs there, unless I missed them

my school offered termly, weekly or flexi boarding and I enjoyed the best of both worlds with my parents and with my friends from school. None of my friends have issues either with having been 'sent away' to school

My ds is nearly 9 and is very keen to board at his next school as after watching Harry Potter he thinks it looks great fun. He wont be leaving his prep until he is 13 and the school we would like him to attend is only 10mins away so prob no chance of boarding but I would certainly let him spend a few nights there on flexi board, to experience it.

Xenia - at the boy whose parents did not want him in the hols . I want to adopt him...

MrsGuy- Me too... Poor boy.

Our neighbour's( from my childhood) ds , friend of my dbro, went to Hurst and ruptured his spleen in a rugby match.

One reason I'm glad I only have daughters. Boys at dd's school regularly get injuries, broken collar bones etc playing rugby

Dangerous game

Can I recommend Canford in Dorset? Great drama and music; emphasis on individual as well as team sports; a good charity set up which involves the students going off to India for example to help those less fortunate than themselves; and they produce well rounded individuals. I know, I've been married to one for the past 22 years.

I have to disagree with Xenia; my husband started boarding at 9, at a prep up the road from his home, as he felt he was missing out on the activities by being a day boy. He then went to Canford and to Uni. He did learn discipline and to follow rules, but as he is in the Armed Forces that is useful! He is not scarred at all by the experience, and is a normal, well adjusted, humorous individual with a balanced view of the world.

I would also question you on both working parents being able to leave the children with the Nanny. For the majority of us who work to pay the school fees, and the mortgage, a Nanny is out of the question. I feel that you perhaps live on a higher financial plane than a lot of us, and so you have solutions available to you, that others don't.

Sending a child to board has to be a decision taken by the parents with the input of the child. My brother boarded from 11, as does his eldest son, and the youngest can't wait to go. My son on the other hand, does not wish to board, and so this will not be an issue until he hits sixth form, when I may insist on boarding as a precursor to university.

You also have to take into consideration the circumstances of the families involved. For Service families, boarding can be ideal; the parents can move every two years when the service person is reappointed, and the child gets stability of education and friendships that will last. This is much better than changing school every two years, especially in secondary. Yes I know, you will argue that the parents should weekend. This is not always possible or practical, especially when one is in Cornwall, and the other in Rome or Brussels. Having coped with 2 years of only seeing my husband every six weeks because of the time/distance/ expense equation, I gave up my career; took my son away from his excellent prep, and moved abroad. I would also add the example of a Service man we know whose wife tragically died in her 30s, leaving 2 youngish children. He was sent to sea, and then abroad, and had no option but to send his children to boarding school, where they thrived.

I also have a friend out here whose 12 year old DS has engineered his entrance to Millfield, because the sport is so good, and that is where his interest lies. His mum is none too sure about it, but the lad wants to go and is looking forward to boarding. it's different strokes for different folks, and it always strikes me that as long as the school is carefully selected, and the child understands that they can leave if they wish, then it will work. I went at 16, and had the time of my life...I only wish I'd gone earlier.

I'm late to this conversation but a few random points...

There is a state boarding school between Woking and Bagshot in Surrey called Gordon's School. It's seems to be quite good, but you'd be stuck with the long term times.

As for boarding, it can be the best of a lot of hard choices, such as children who have a difficult family life, parents who work abroad, mobile parents (incl military), parents who work horrendously long hours. It's a very successful form of school when the children get a say in it, or understand why it is best for them. They do not have to feel rejected because they will understand it is their parents doing their best for them.

There are plenty of schools that offer flexible boarding - specific nights of the week, odd nights etc. It doesn't have to mean 24/7 - you really can work it around what is best for your family.

There is nothing wrong with a boarding school not being an academic hothouse (and ftr, Bradfield offers places to the full academic spectrum). Independent schools cater for all abilities and needs. They have plenty to offer children who are not academic trailblazers. If the family is able to afford boarding, they have a lot more choices of finding the perfect school for their child because they are not limited by what is available in the local area.

Excellent posts scaryteacher and scienceteacher

I am investigating boarding in France for my dd as an alternative should dd not get into my first choice boarding school in England

What a sweeping generalisation to say that children feel rejected and unloved. Maybe yours might but my son absolutely loves boarding. Why do people always think that the only opinion is their own....

My second son is likely to be a day pupil as we dont think boarding will suit him but hey ho!

Have you considered Cranleigh School and Cranleigh Prep school across the road? Very good reputations. Both focus on 'producing' an 'all round' child in a boarding environment, but do offer day also. 20 mins from Guildford, A3, direct train to Waterloo (35 mins) It is also 20 mins from Charterhouse so you can easily check them out on the same day. Don;t know if your ds is football or rugby oriented but Charterhouse is known for football and Cranleigh for rugby (trounced Wellington a couple of years ago - now that's saying something!)

My 11 year old has recently started secondary school and I am AMAZED at how much more he seems to need me now, than towards the end of the primary years. He seems to have so much to say about school, he thanks me for helping with his homework, it just feels somehow really important that I'm around now, in a way I really hadn't predicted.

However, we all justify the choices we make, don't we!!!

I went to a very well-known all girl's school as my parents were living abroad where there were no good schools. I remember looking at the girls whose parents lived in London and were sent there and feeling REALLY sorry for them, more sorry than they felt for themselves. It simply did not make sense that parents would choose to hand over the raising and education of their children to a load of grumpy spinsters. Now I'm a mother I don't see things the same way but children see in black in white; ie if they like it they will be 100% fine, if they don't like it it will be a disaster.

I also agree with the posters who say that many schools do not offer a very high level of education. I did disastrously in my A's and retook at a tiny crammer with three rooms and did really well.