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Independent School - suggestions?

157 replies

Louise2004 · 31/01/2008 10:32

We've started thinking about choosing a school for our son, who is now 8, for when he's aged 11-18. Somewhere not far from London (or with good links to London) would be ideal - Surrey, Sussex, Oxford etc. - and the school should preferably be mixed/co-ed and offer weekly boarding as well as full-time boarding. Any suggestions, as well as comments on your own/your child's schools welcome! (I like the look of Charterhouse, which is being talked about in another thread, but we'd like to check out at least 5-6 schools before we make our decision - we have some time!) Thanks.

OP posts:
MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 31/01/2008 19:43

Interesting, my DS2 wants to weekly board - as he is now only 8 I couldn't bear to let him go, but I could see the possibility @ 13.
A friend of mine boarded full time fro the age of 7, hated it, and he does appear to be damaged by it, guarded, undemonstrative, divorced...

cushioncover · 31/01/2008 20:20

I think the difference between boarding at 8 and boarding at 13 is vast. At 13 they are almost able to make a reasoned decision, although I would still discourage it.

I know a woman who was a SAHM before her children went to school, worked whilst they were at primary and became a SAHM again when they went to secondary. She made a conscious decision to do this, feeling that they needed her there at that age more than any. I'm not sure if I agree or not but I found her reasoning interesting.

Nooka, boarding for 6th form is fine and can be useful especially for a 16yr old with lots of noisy, younger siblings.

nooka · 31/01/2008 20:31

My ds is eight and I could no way imagine him going away, even for weekly boarding. My brother found it tough enough at thirteen. My nephew has two siblings with severe learning disabilities, and I think quite enjoys being completely "normal" during the week. At his day school before that he didn't ever mention his sibilings or have anyone to his house to play (there were other issues too). Now he is quite happy to have friends over at the weekend, and I think it is because boarding school has enabled him to be himself more.

SalVolatile · 31/01/2008 21:24

Oh God I know I shouldn't add to this thread but bollocks to all the stuff about damage and rejection - that's a) relating to present day adults not modern boarding schools and b) I deal on a daily basis with damaged and rejected children from all walks of life, educational backgrounds and family set ups and there really isn't a simple answer to why a child feels rejected or is caused to be distant from love and care on a daily basis. Three of my dcs board, with 2 at King's Canterbury. They all love it, and the 16year old keeps threatening to come on here and put their own point of view across . They bloody know how much they are loved.

On Cranbrook a few posts back I would say that it is a brilliant grammar school (but more exclusive than King's because of its catchment area) but the boarding is pants and the pastoral care is not great. If you want full on boarding you need to find a school that supports the children 100% of the time.

nooka · 31/01/2008 21:31

Hey SalVolatile, is King's still good? I had a great time there (almost twenty years ago now!) and when I get the OKS stuff the development the school has been through (girls right through, new houses etc) looks fab.

chocolatedot · 31/01/2008 22:00

Hear hear SalVolatile, there are many many "damaged" people in life, a smattering of whom will have gone to boarding school. Doesn't mean one caused the other.

I find it very hard to believe that anyone who attended boarding school from say the 1970's onwards and came from a happy well adjusted family with a loving childhood could be left "damaged" by boarding school. Yes there is a "boarding school survivors association" but how many support groups/ online groups are there for people left scarred by their experiences in state education?

fillthatnappylittlekiwi · 01/02/2008 01:24

What about independent schools for those who are not gifted but who try and are chewing in your ear to board as it's the in thing

Judy1234 · 01/02/2008 07:27

Many children are still damaged by boarding. Parents comfort themselves with silly statemtenst like there is more contact with parents during term now or the duvets are thicker or the beds more comfortable or the children aren't beaten any m ore but none of those things removes the rejection element, the fact you cannot touch and see your parents on a daily basis and the hard carpace you have to build up over yourself to steel yourself in the future in case others that you come to love reject you as your parents do. I am not saying all children are like that and Sal obviously doesn't think hers are but why on earth take the risk? You can often see the difference in people you relate to who were sent to board too in their future relationships, how they deal with other people too.

miobombino · 01/02/2008 09:50

Well ds1 is a weekly boarder and loves it. he started at his new school aged 13. he doesn't have to board but chose to. Tbh I wasn't keen at first, but I'm 100% confident he is happy. He knows he can be a day boy if he wants. It is true that the usual cliches do apply; eg really enjoying them more when they are at home etc.

That said, I'm sure he didn't board to "get away from an unhappy home". He simply says he can get more out of the school experience (it's an academic place with a long school day and Saturday morning school), and loves being with us and 3 younger siblings at weekends.

We all know our own children and if we are honest with them and are honest with ourselves as to why boarding is being considered, then it is surely beneficial ?

It's a sort of parallel to the yawn old sahm/wohm debate. Either is fine if done through honest analysis of what is best for the family as a whole. There are depressed sahms, those (like me) who love it, wohm who do valuable work and have excellent loving childcare set up, some work grudgingly out of financial necessity, and some who are quite clear they are out at work because their young children are "hard work", "boring" or both. I certainly won't be told I'm neglecting my teenager emotionally by letting him board, when it's seen as totally normal in some circles to talk in front of young children about "getting back to work" before one "stagnates" at home with one's children.

chocolatedot · 01/02/2008 09:54

What is your evidence Xenia?

To say "many children are still damaged by boarding" falls into the same category as saying "many children are damaged by divorce" or "many children are damaged by having two full time working parents". Or indeed any other statement which doesn't happen to reflect one's own parenting decisions.

miobombino · 01/02/2008 10:05

Forgot to say ds1 is 14. One big benefit for a previously rather disorganised dreamy boy is that he is learning, in a supportive environment, to organise his work in a sensible way, and as a result his self confidence has grown. Yes all that could happen at home too, or maybe it's his age - don't they say sometimes that around adolescence these dreamy kids get a bit more together ?- but he can genuinely feel that his academic achievements are down to him; no parents checking up the whole time, etc. The boys work in their own rooms and if work isn't done in time, it's all down to them. So they just get on with it !

Outside of that, they are allowed out at certain times, and ds1 loves going out with a bit of pocket money to buy pizzas and hot chocolate (yes he gets fed but this is extra !) with his friends. Very sociable, whereas for example on say a Tuesday evening at home he wouldn't have that hour or two of socialising; it would be too hard to organise on top of the homework. Where do most teenage boys want to be ? Hanging out with their mates surely ?

chocolatedot · 01/02/2008 10:35

Well said miobombino. Anyone who has even a passing acquaintance with teenagers at a good boarding school can see how beneficial it can be. Of course some children won't enjoy it but I'd like to see the evidence that demonstrates that the proportion of children unhappy at boarding school is any higher than the proportion of children at say an inner city comp.

CountessDracula · 01/02/2008 11:55

yes but you haven't seen those teenagers 20 years down the line struggling with life because of their feelings of rejection...

chocolatedot · 01/02/2008 12:05

Well as I'm 44 and went to boarding school as did virtually all my contemporaries, I have actually.

I really struggle to believe that people who went to a good boarding school aged 11 or more suffer proportionately more from "issues" than any other form of schooling. Some kids just aren't happy in their teenage years in the educational establishment of their parent's choosing, whichever that happens to be.

From my own experience, people are far more scarred emotionally though bullying at school and divorce than boarding school per se.

Heathcliffscathy · 01/02/2008 12:50

i agree re boarding xenia.

Judy1234 · 01/02/2008 13:01

I don't have a survey but a lot of children are so affected. Fewer parents are now prepared to send children away particularly at a young age because we are better at psychology these days. Whilst I accept many teenage boys want to be with their friends i think they need a daily escape to their own families to give them a better sense of perspective and a different view.

My under was sent to board at 3 which is hardly credible now because he was jealous of his new baby brother. Thankfully our knowledge of psychology has come on a long way since the 1920s when he was born.

I have other objections to boarding too. Often the schools get worse results than the good academic day schools so you're paying for a worse education in many boarding schools although if it's Eton, Wycombe Abbey etc then that is not so - instead the day schools are comparable or just a little bit better. Secondly you lose too much parental influence and can be if you're a weak child influenced more by your peers into smoking, drinking and drugs than if you were home every night exposed to your parents' moral values. I did find more of my children's friends who boarded smoked for example than those at my children's day private schools.

www.boardingrecovery.com/
"BOARDERS is a group of accredited psychotherapists and trained counsellors who specialize in working with 'boarding school survivors'. These are ex-boarders whose emotional damage often lies hidden until at some point in their adult lives it re-surfaces in the form of depression, burn out, marital problems or alcohol/drug abuse.

They are often very competent, high-achieving individuals who may be acutely uncomfortable about asking for help. For the most part, they are unconscious of the fact that they are suffering from a specific, common syndrome treatable by a variety of psychotherapeutic approaches.

Adults who were sent away to boarding school from their family homes often learnt to endure unacceptably brutal interpersonal practices ... When these kinds of trauma emerge in adulthood in the form of stress related disease, inability to sustain meaningful intimate sexual relationships, and mental and emotional breakdowns, adults often don't even know how to begin to acknowledge their long-hidden pain to themselves, let alone talk to someone else (such as their medical practitioner) about their suffering. This, as we know from the psychological research evidence, often leads to further psychosomatic difficulties in terms of overworking to the point of burnout, multiple serious health problems, and drug and alcohol misuse.
-- Petruska Clarkson BMJ, Vol. 322, 31/3/01, reviewing Duffell, N. (2000) The Making of Them: The British Attitude to Children and the Boarding School System."

dolly1 · 01/02/2008 13:04

Chocolatedot, miobombino and salvolitile - thanks so much for posting on here and echoing my views but with the actual experience to back it up!

I'm really pleased to read your balanced opinions.
What you say about your children really enjoying and benifiting from boarding is exactly what my dh has said all along and his circle completley back this up.

I bet you have charming, wellrounded, confident boys who will certainly not be damaged individuals - as all the men I've met who attended such schools are just that.
All my friends who board (bar one actually because his parents divorced while he was away - wonder what that says?!) loved it and didn't want to come home at the end of term because they had so much fun! Of course they had lovely happy family lives, but as one of you said - what teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his mates?

Thanks for reassuring me that I am not a bad, selfish mother (to be) for planning to send her son to boarding school and - rather than hating me for it - he will probably thanks me!

Ellbell · 01/02/2008 13:09

No offence to WiiMii's nephew (obviously one can't generalise about all the kids in a school), but my dh taught part-time at Bradfield for a while and the kids were seriously thick!

Squiffy · 01/02/2008 13:15

SalVolatile - slight hijack, but in general vein of this thread.... my DS is at Junior King's and DD is down to go there too. Do your DC's think that day pupils at the senior school are marginalised because they don't board? I had intended to have my DC's go on a day pupil basis, but then noticed recently that over 80% board, and this question has been preying on my mind recently..... I wonder if the day pupils miss out socially? I totally see MB's point about pizza etc. Is weekly boarding the solution?

WiiMii · 01/02/2008 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllbellTheBluestocking · 01/02/2008 17:24

Hi WiiMii, no obviously not. I knew that was going to come out wrong. DH taught A'level (in a less 'obvious' subject - hence the need to 'buy him in', iykwim) and his experience was that they were mostly kids who probably wouldn't have been entered for A'levels at all in the state system. He did a lot of extra tuition with several of them to get them Ds at A'level (for which they were very grateful).

However, it's a beautiful school in a beautiful setting, and I gather it has really superb facilities for music/drama/sport. DH's experience would suggest that it's perhaps not the most academic (perhaps only in the Sixth Form), but his experience might not have been representative.

Genuinely no offence meant.... (I went to a highly un-academic, very small, very poxy independent school from which I was the only girl to go to University in about 10 years, so it would be extraordinarily pots-and-kettles!)

WiiMii · 01/02/2008 17:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miobombino · 01/02/2008 18:44

Dolly1 glad we could help. The one thing I've learned above all as a parent of 4 is that it pays to be open minded about your children's needs. Tbh when ds1 was born I'd have been surprised if a soothsayer had told me he'd be at boarding school as a teen.

But I have been very pleasantly surprised by how well it is working out. And no, Xenia, I don't think he'll end up just "surviving" with some kind of emotional carapace surrounding him until the end of his days.

He is a warm affectionate boy and always has been. That can't be undone at this stage. He sometimes phones during the week, and even if he is surrounded by friends within earshot - eg in the lunch queue - he invariably ends the conversation by saying "Bye, I love you". That's not the hallmark of emotional damage.

Quattrocento · 01/02/2008 18:56

Well it's been a long time but have a look at this

www.stowe.co.uk/SS-Directions-Map.aspx

Are you sure sure sure about boarding? It's all drugs and sex and rugby you know.

CountessDracula · 01/02/2008 19:44

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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