Independent School - suggestions?

[Louise2004]

We've started thinking about choosing a school for our son, who is now 8, for when he's aged 11-18. Somewhere not far from London (or with good links to London) would be ideal - Surrey, Sussex, Oxford etc. - and the school should preferably be mixed/co-ed and offer weekly boarding as well as full-time boarding. Any suggestions, as well as comments on your own/your child's schools welcome! (I like the look of Charterhouse, which is being talked about in another thread, but we'd like to check out at least 5-6 schools before we make our decision - we have some time!) Thanks.

chocolate- my sister's two (aged 4 & 6) are in exactly that situation of 7:45am to 6pm nursery/ school + wraparound care clubs. She is seriously thinking about trying to get them into Christ's Hospital for secondary just so they can have some time to themselves...

btw, she has no choice- bastard ex refuses to contribute a penny to his children's upbringing and she does not let grass grow under her feet...

Poor girl (having no choice I mean).

I'm just interested as people seem to assume that chldren who board lack emotional down-time with their parents and it seems to me that this could potentially apply to a lot of children, not just boarders. One couple I know whose kids are in this situation get home at 6.30pm and the kids are asleep by 7 as they have such an early start in the morning.

Also, at secondary level, almost all public schools have Saturday schooling while after school music, drama and sport mean they're often not home until 7.30 ish. Taking into account the pressures on working parents and homework, one wonders how much time there really is left over during the week.

It's been mentioned but Christs Hospital is lovely AND they assess suitablility for boarding so if they don't think you child will cope or do well boarding they won't have them.

Hampton School does look good, thank you, Duchesse. It's also in the area we're thinking of, which could work out well - although the final decision as to whether he can go to a day school really depends on my husband's job requirements at the time - boarding looks more likely at the moment, but it's always good to have a "Plan B" ready!

Does anyone know if there are any other good grammar schools (preferably co-ed)? Also, do any offer boarding options? (Having looked at some of the search links given, it seems that some schools offer flexible boarding, which could be another good alternative.)

Thanks everyone for all your help!

We did like to get ours home if possible. The twins are home by 4.10pm and school ends at 4. They are then in their house with siblings, me or the nanny. Also even if the parents get home at 6 or 7 one or other parent in most cases has usually got a bed time routine with the child, chance to hear about bullying in the day, chance for cuddles, touch etc you don't get at boarding school.

Our older children took school coaches and when they were say 11 - normal boarding sort of age one of them probably did come home on the school late coach once or twice a week after a swimming match or whatever and get home at 5.30ish. But that still meant she was with us and talking to us for the next 3 hours. Also even if both parents work until late in the weke and the nanny puts them to b ed which is actually very rare with working parents, even then the child is at home usually with an adult they are bonded with and have the escape of the house rather than being in the prison of the school... of course if you're damaged in the home as a lot of children are my view goes completely out of the window.

CarGirl- they do tend to give preference for places at CH to people in difficult circumstances though, don't they?

Don't you have to wear silly clothes at CH?

yes CH do prioritise in their final selection for those "in need" financially or socially which I would think does include parents who live abroad or will be living abroad at some point. Yes they do wear a very silly uniform! Some pupils do pay full fees though which means their parents are loaded (IMO). It is very academically competitive, and you need an interest in one of the music/sports/drama as well really.

"Cranleigh School is in a very pleasant setting."

sorry to bang on, but cranleigh really do do shed loads of drugs.

oh well at least you have a nice view when you come down

i am ex ch
i hated it

adn i belive that discipline is not waht it was( mate of my sisters works there)

Cod, you were there a long time ago, and not in Horsham. I know that the girls in Hertford was a bit grim

My DB and nephew loved it at CH. I wanted to go, but had to go the grammar instead. We looked at it for DD, but DH was anti boarding

It is a fantastic school, but not necessarily my first choice.

ChocDot - you are right that issue is larger but I think there are just too many factiors to say that 'lack of downtime with parents = ishoos'. I curled up and died when I had to spend time with my parents as a teenager (very prying mother). I hated living at home with my brother (we didn't talk for over five years) etc etc. Not saying that boarding would have been better, but I strongly feel that, whilst attachment to adults (and continued reinforcement of that attachment) is a very good thing, it is a huge leap to say that only parents can provide that attachment. I think you get it from nannies, extended families, teachers, and I am sure from matrons and housemasters at boarding schools. as well. It is the care you get, and the consistency of that care, and the reliability, and the predictability that are key, much more so I believe than the biological link. As parents we have a responsibility to love our children uinconditionally and to raise them as best we can; but it certainly doesn't mean we therefore need to follow a prescribed model. If our children are thriving then we're doing it right, regardless of whether other mums tut at our decisions.

Squiffy, I agree with you 100% and yours is a very intelligent post. I find it very interesting that people diss boarding because of the perceived lack of emotional downtime with parents.

I struggle to understand how anyone can say it's fine for a very young child to spend 10 hours a day in group care, have both parents working full time and only see them for 30 - 60 waking mins a day, weekends and 4 weeks holiday while at the same time suggesting that a 14 year old weekly boarder with access to a myriad of means of communications and living in a caring environment will likely suffer "damage" because of it.

Of course, I personally don't believe that the first scenario will necessarily cause any "damage" as it's the quality of the relationship and care that is the biggest determinant.

I have friends who have major "ishoos" with their parents. One, at age 46, bitterly resents her parents for sending her to the fantastic local grammar rather than the posh private school, another who incredibly, believes he had a terrible childhood simply beacuse his father was a writer and rang a bell when they were making too much noise during the day. Both these people have wonderful, loving parents. My point is that people will always develop issues with their parents and upbringing but they're often impossible to predict or indeed rationalise. You can't just point at someone and say "he's an introverted commitment-phobe who went to boarding school so therefore it's boarding that's at fault".

ye si am anti boarding tbh anwyay
liek haeving a dog and putting it a kennel to teach it self suffciency.

In that case, is it like having a baby and putting it in a nursery for 10 hours a day while you work?

Completely agree Squiffy and chocolatedot. It's the quality of care, and where your children feel themselves to be in your hierarchy, together with finding care (for littlies) or a school (when they are older) that suits your children. There are an infinite number of permutations of parenting that can work well; provided children feel loved and prioritised by their parents, where's the harm ?

I'm not against wohms or sahms or state or private, boarding or day etc etc.

I don't know if xenia's on here still, but i know she has strong views on education, one of which is her adamantine anti boarding stance. But her dds went to 2 very high powered girls' schools. The cliche goes that all such schools are hotbeds for anorexia and issues of self esteem generally, as amomg a clever cohort there will inevitably be those perennially at the bottom of the class. Does being at home for a time in the evening really undo potentially up to 14 years spent in such a pressured environment ?

Btw Xenia if you're reading, i am totally devil's advocate here. My 9 yo dd is at one of those schools - the one higher up the league table fwiw - and i do agree with one point you also make, to the effect that for the right child, they aren't the unpleasant hothouse so often made out to be the case. But that's the nub of it, isn't it...for the right child. My daughter is thriving, and very happy indeed.

Similarly my 14yo ds1 loves being a weekly boarder; though as I have said before he knows he doesn't have to board. He could stay at the same school as a day boy. But he is a year and a half in and shows no sign of wanting to stop. I can't accept he will be damaged as a grown man, any more than boys or girls at top of the league day schools will be damaged either if the school is right for them.

yes chocolatedot and i woudlnt do that either!

well is aw 3 suicide attempts before i was 14