Uni Student DDs bombshell

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

@antipodeancanary oh that’s just awful..

@cantdecidewhattodo123 you must be a bit shell-shocked, and worried, and no wonder!

But my long experience with undergraduates is that a significant minority of them do not actually want to be at university, or study the subject they are doing.

Can you have a frank conversation with them about whether they even WANT to be at university? It may have felt to them that they were on a treadmill, and couldn't jump off. Your generosity & care for them - your material support so they can focus on their studies - may feel to them to be a burden, and that they're fulfilling your ambitions for them. This is sad & most unfair, but it might be worth raising with them.

If they really really want to study for a degree, then they need to show you their ambition.

It sounds to me like perhaps their hearts aren’t in it. As PPS have said, the first year is without doubt the easiest to pass. I think they both need to do some soul searching and think about what it is they really end to do career wise.
I graduated 10 years ago, and I actually wish I’d taken some time out after a levels to work before I went to uni, to gain some practical application and figure out what I really wanted to do, instead of what I thought I did or should want to do, I would have been more successful in the long run, personally I think a year or so of full time employment prior to study really helps clarify this.

Which country are they in and how were their language skills for said country? Several European countries, for example, have much higher uni drop out rates/fails than U.K. Are you sure they are doing the right course? I would be minded to give them some notice and an ultimatum but also get to the bottom of what is actually going on (parties, drugs, boyfriends etc)

Not got passed Year 1 after 4 years?! Errrm Wft!

I think you need to get the full story. They need to explain what they were doing a this time, with exam results transcipts or payslips.

If the were switching courses but then passed etc or were working instead, at least that is something but if they didn't work or weren't in college, and just lived off your money doing nothing, I would give the 6 months notice that there will be no more housing or money.

Oh dear OP, they’ve been taking the piss for years.
This is what happens (not always of course) when you’re handed everything on a plate.

I’d give them 6 months to sort themselves out, then I would throw them out. They obviously have no respect for you, which is what I’d find the most hurtful.

Could be worse...

ananova.news/pretend-student-syndrome-claims-life-of-young-woman/

Apparently it's a common phenomenon. Your DDs might have been afraid to tell you when they initially failed their exams, then got tangled in the lie. At least they ended up confessing and are still studying/able to turn it around. Agree it wasn't a great thing to do of them though.

That is so sad.

That’s a terrible story !

God knows what he was thinking. His friends apologized to us for colluding in the lie, but I don't think he ever did. Just seemed angry he had been found out. Even the next year when he actually did graduate I felt sick with stress until he actually walked across the stage.

we all live in Switzerland where the first year is tough (50% fail or drop out). Maybe the whole saga is not so bad apart from the waste of time and deceit. I am learning a lot from the responses

It has been an odd few years . Removing all support would be a weird thing for a parent to do.

if I were you I would pledge them support for 12 months depending on each end of semester grade. Set them an expectation for the end of each term/ semester as well as an end of year goal.

if they fail, then they will have to sort themselves out or go home. It is easy to get yourself in a muddle and have things snowball.

If I were you I would be attending a meeting at the University your DD's are supposedly enrolled in, to get a full update as to where they are at with their studies.

If it's like the system where I live, a lot of Uni in the last 3 years transferred on line, with hardly any physical presence required, although you said you live in Switzerland and as I have family there, I know they handled COVID a lot differently to how our country did.

However, I'm thinking its likely they will not be able to pick up from where they left off and frankly speaking, I wouldn't believe anything that came out of their mouths.

They have both BS'd you up until this point so you need to assess their level of honesty with you moving forward. I'm going to suggest its not going to exist and what you have been told is only half the truth.

I also wouldn't be backing off considering I'm (you) financially funding their lifestyle choices.

Make that appointment with the Uni and each daughter separately to the other, and then take time to reflect on what has happened and what can happen moving forward. I would be inclined to give up the flat and tell them to get their bums back home until they can prove themselves otherwise (ie get a job) and behave like functioning adults who pay their way. Shut your wallet.

What about giving them an ultimatum and a dead line for e.g you have a year to turn this around and will need proof they have otherwise you will no longer financially support them

Parents can’t just make an appointment with a university to talk about their children. Universities don’t care about parents.

Practically OP - have they proved they’re enrolled for this year? If yes, I’d tell them you’re prepared to pay rent for this year, but cut back the allowance. They can work out how to make up the difference. That’s the penalty for lying. And tell them that you now want proof that work is done, and that you want to see their marks. Any trust they had is obviously entirely lost, so they now have to prove everything. If they pass the year, you might keep funding them, up to you.

If they are not enrolled this year, tell them you'll keep paying til Christmas, then stop the allowance entirely. And personally I’d stop paying rent 2 months after. They can get jobs and support themselves. If they want to sort themselves out and return to studying next year, maybe offer them the deal above once they’re studying again.

But I’d be emphasising that any trust is a thing of the past. You will now do the bare minimum to get them educated and that is it. I’d also be telling them that as the money was to fund them whilst studying, and they haven’t been, you will be expecting them to pay you back some of it once they are working. They can now set about earning your trust like everyone else.

OP you sounds like you tried to give them a great start in life, but unfortunately they squandered it. As a previous poster has mentioned, maybe they are a bad influence on each other - it seems too much of a coincidence that they both went along with this, they must have supported each other's lies.

There is no mention of their father in the picture, is it possible you were over compensating for being the only present parent by indulging them financially? If so, as good as your intentions are, it's not helping them.

If they turn things around and put some hard work in they can move on from this - and they can come out the other side having gained some valuable life experience about consequences and taking responsibility for themselves.
But only if you let them.

Not so bad? Waste of time, money and massive deceit. Sorry but it's appalling. And it sounds like they planned it together? I would be cutting their finances completely. They need jobs.

I can sort of relate to this - I didn't graduate when I should have due to depression and undiagnosed adhd. I struggled with uni after being spoon-fed at private school and having well-meaning but coddling parents who didn't encourage me to grow up and be independent. I Kept stringing my parents along about having to do 'retakes', then told them I'd graduated and was looking for a job when in reality I was in bed all day not able to function and having panic attacks whenever the phone rang. Eventually the uni decided I'd done enough to get a low grade degree, but it was the most horrendous 9 months of my life - looking back now it almost seems like a strange psychotic break.

I say that to say that it could be mental health issues, but it seems odd that they're both in that situation. I'd be worried about them getting into drugs/debt or something serious going on. I'd be getting them into counselling and letting them know that the safety net is conditional on them demonstrating progress.

This is why they're taking the piss out of you so massively.

Of course it's bad. Wake up and stop enabling them with your money tree. Jesus.

I seem to have a different view to all the other posters but I’d be more concerned about why 2 of them felt the need to lie to you , from my own experience in my 20s i lied to my mum for about a year about my studies and dropping out purely because she put way too much pressure and expectations on me to do a course she wanted me to do and get a career she wanted me to have and it was much easier to lie and do what I wanted with my life rather than tell her actually I’m doing something less but it makes me happier and is what I want to do and the decision should have been mine and she should of respected it rather than dictate and control the situation. They are adults stop paying and let them do what they want with their life’s. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’ve failed your parents expectations

i had a feeling you were in Europe somewhere. I’m in France, got lots of friends with children at uni here, and there does seem to be a lot of switching and swapping around. And very high attrition rates, especially in the first year where it’s not unusual for 50% drop outs. I can see how it would happen, though I’m amazed they managed to keep it going for so long, especially as they’ve both been doing it together.

personally I’d want to know:

did they think this was acceptable behaviour? How did they square this with their consciences?

What do they actually want to do with their lives? did they choose courses to please you?

For 3 years???

Is it a thing now for parents to visit ?Wasn't the case in my day .We would have been mortified .
As we would if parents dropped us off or picked us up .

Isn’t this basically fraud? I would be very unhappy about the deceit. If it’s very hard to pass the first year then fair enough if they failed once… but to lie for years. Very stern words would be had and I don’t think I would be funding that lifestyle anymore.