Uni Student DDs bombshell

[cantdecidewhattodo123]

Looking for some perspective please, DD 21 & 23 are at Uni ( not in UK) . They live in a flat together owned by me and I pay for bills, fees and weekly allowance. So fairly cushy number and they can concentrate on study. Told me this week that in fact they failed exams years ago, have transferred to different courses/Uni and have been hiding it for years. They have cratered their education and wasted years but with hard work can still recover. But I am shocked - it’s so immature, like they believe it’s not important or can work out somehow magically. And they have taken money from me (that Ican afford) under false pretenses which I think is dishonest. They blame me for their failure which I know is just lashing out. I am really worried but what to do to help them?
If I stop supporting them to force them to face reality they may end up homeless or in trouble/debt and will probably drop out. But if I continue with status quo they can continue to lie, delude themselves this is somehow okay and may never get a qualification or a job. Any advice gratefully received!

You own the flat. You might do better to give them three months' warning and then sell it.

Blimey. The deceit would hurt very badly. You will need to have some difficult conversations.

On a practical level, is it not better to find out exactly where they are 'at' in the course, find out exactly what needs to be done to get them graduated. And then from now on monitor it more closely to make sure yearly objectives are actually achieved. Having spent this much, isn't it best uk make sure dd gets her degree?

Absolutely agree. I would go absolutely effing nuclear in your position, OP. But skirting this or letting them off the hook, you are doing them no favours in the longer run.

There are some very strong comments here which I can understand, but I thought it would be useful for you to hear from a former student who did a similar thing.

I passed my first year after re-sitting one module, but I struggled at the beginning of my second year and completely doubted myself. I was failing on a project and was supposed to be giving a presentation to all of my peers on my preparation and work so far. I didn't know anyone well enough on the course to go to for help and didn't approach my tutor either. My parents never attended college or uni and I didn't feel I could go to them so I panicked and after two weeks of thinking, I quit and got a job through an agency, thinking I could make enough money to prove to my parents that I could support myself. Of course, I could only get minimum wage jobs and couldn't make enough money.

After 2-3 months I had to admit defeat and tell my dad and stepmum. Dad was absolutely fuming of course and I had to move back home from the house share they'd paid rent for. I got a job straight away and they made me pay a monthly contribution towards the family home and suggested the best thing would be to take up a part time qualification at the local college whilst I worked.

I really really regret the whole situation and have to live with that for the rest of my life and explain it every time I apply for a job. It is just unfortunate that I wasn't mature enough for the responsibility at that time or confident enough to reach out for help.

Some posters here don't seem to believe your daughters' self esteem has suffered but based on my own experiences, I think it probably has.

I think given the length of time they've deceived you, it would be good to visit them in person to get to the bottom of what's happened to make sure there is not something else they're hiding. After that they should both get jobs and pay their way and try to find out what they really want to do with their lives. If you're not prepared to have them in your own home, then maybe they could get an apartment once they've saved a deposit.

The reason I owned up when I did was because I was essentially on my own and not responsible enough to take care of myself. Your daughters probably enabled each other with the deception and that is how it went on so much longer.

Yes, You hit the nail on the head. The reason why it happened is the key. My DH wants to come down hard but I am not sure that’ll help in the long run ( although I am grateful for all responses including those recommending this approach)

Going nuclear or making them homeless will not solve this problem. I hate it when posters suggest to just make family meme bees homeless, like that would help in any way. It wouldn’t. Because then you would never get to the bottom of why they felt the need to lie for so long. It would just add trauma onto deceit and cause even more of a rupture in your relationship. It will also guarantee that they are never honest with you again and will confirm all of the reasons why they didn’t feel able to tell you in the first place.

You don’t in any way need to pretend that what they did was ok or that it wasn’t very hurtful to you. But to move forwards, you need to have a more honest relationship with them.

@BouncingJAS yes. This. 💯 %

Having put a child through private Ed and uni and having it thrown back in face I would let them make their own mistakes and stop funding it. In the end they have to be responsible and continuing to pay for everything is not teaching then how to survive. My child now thinks that everything I have is theirs and why should they make any effort when they will get "their inheritance". Well a shock coming because I'm spending it and now changed my will to leave anything thats left to those that will make better use of it.

Snozwager - thanks for sharing your story, can I ask were you angry with your Dad when you moved back home?

I wouldn’t cut them off because I understand your want to help them to have a better life, but I would seriously come down on them hard, I would set some much tighter boundaries and goals. I would be checking in more and they would have to meet the expectations or they would get cut off. One last chance sort of thing, they need to apologise and show some respect, they’re not children anymore! I think you need to sit them down and have a serious talk

I thought the Swiss students mostly studied close to home so didn't move out - very common across Europe except in the U.K. . Therefore they have more support in place to get them through and this does like what your DDs need.

I wonder what Swiss parents would say if you asked the same question OP.....

@Snozwanger thanks for that interesting perspective. You make a good point about maturity at that age.

That said, would you have hid the deception for so long and when found out would you have blamed your parents for your own failure? There is something going on with OP's dds which suggests they need a serious reality check.

They need to forget about Uni and get jobs.
You can still support them but Uni is not the answer

@blueshoes I don't think I could've held up the deception that long myself. My mum passed away when I was very young and I know my dad has always tried to do the best for me.

The fact the girls blame their mum makes me think they must've felt pushed into education, like they had no choice, and when it went wrong they just got in deeper and deeper until they didn't know how to get out. It's certainly not their mum's fault though. They made their own choices.

Swiss parents generally expect children to be very independent and do not take an active interest in their Uni careers. So if the student fails then it’s their own look out. In real life this can be pretty cold approach but I can also see the positives in building self reliance.

Maybe further eduction just isn't for them. People learn in very different ways and some learn hands on in a working environment and some learn best in a classroom getting told how it's done and never gaining the practice.

I think you need to give them one more chance and if they don't meet your expectations help them to explore careers through a different path.

Kick them out.

Rent out the property. Put profit aside to bail them out of the financial mess they're bound to get into.

They learn a lesson and you don't lose any sleep!

You must feel so hurt, I'm so sorry. They've purposely deceived you for their own benefit and they want to lash out at you? They must be shitting themselves that they're going to have to fund their own lifestyle, so are trying to make you feel guilty in the hopes you'll cave and let this carry on, which is delusional of them.

Sounds like they'll wreck their futures if you keep pandering to their every whim. I was lied to by my son. In the end, I had no choice but to ask him to leave. It was the best decision as he now has a home and family of his own.
There comes a point when doing too much for your child can have the opposite effect you're hoping for. They need to learn to take some responsibility for themselves instead of relying entirely on their mama.

HNRTT and sorry to hear that, OP. You are understandably worried about what will happen if you stop support but the counter-factual might be worse, having your DC finish the period when most NT adults become self-reliant and your DC stay acopic. It may be that being forced to get a job might not be the worst for their development. As an interim, you could say you budgeted support only for two lots of the expected 4? year duration. You might be able to stretch if they pass their next exams and each subsequent term/year but you need independent confirmation from the university and the unavoidable consequence of not progressing is that they leave the subsidised accommodation and get the job they will then clearly need to develop the working skills they'll need to make a success of university if they choose to later.

Good luck.

FWIW, DH and I had both had enough of education by the time we were 18 and both dropped out of uni after the first year despite being academic. I went back aged 23, DH went back aged 36. We both now have 1st class Bachelors and Masters degrees but that constant progression of education can result in burn out. It may be that they were trying to do what they thought was right and what was expected of them. I spent months during my A levels telling everyone who would listen that I didn’t want to go to uni but I’d been invited to apply to Cambridge so there was a huge amount of pressure from home and college. It took me years to rebuild from trying to please everyone else but now I’m doing work that fulfils me as a direct result of my MSc. Not everyone’s path is the same.

My son was similar in the fact that he was A* at school, got to uni and became the worlds best procrastinator for three years. Didn't even take finals. Now £32k in debt. Some people just don't suit the self motivation of uni work.

but what to do to help them

don't

that will help them the most

Yes this.