Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Education

Join the discussion on our Education forum.

Original poster

School mum has asked me to lend her money for school fees

390 replies

LucillesLooseWheel · 01/09/2022 11:35

DS is in a prep school (just starting Year 6) and about a year ago, a new boy started.

Yesterday, I got an email from his Mum asking if I could lend her nearly £4000 as she can't pay next term's school fees.

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation. However, I hardly know her. We chat at the school gate/matches etc, and we've had a couple of quick coffees at playdates/parties, but that's really all.

She wants to pay me back over the next six months. The problem is, I'm really not convinced she can pay it back - the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy. Neither parent is in a particularly well-paying type job.

It's not losing the money that's worrying me (although that's not great, obvs) it's the thought of the MASSIVE awkwardness every time in see her for the next three years if she doesn't pay it back.😬

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it, but it will be fairly obvious to her that I can (I'm not blingy at all, but we are lucky to have a large house in an expensive area). Also, I feel sorry for the poor boy He's happy in the school and Year 6 is a big deal - they are about to take high-stakes pre-tests for senior schools. If he had to leave, there's a reasonable likelihood that he would end up at the not-so-great comp near where they live. (There are some fab comps in the area, but they would be lucky to hit catchment).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 01/09/2022 14:00

Sorry double post saying same thing. MN bit slow today.

rwalker · 01/09/2022 14:00

Even if you did lend it to her your not really helping her
as what happens when the term after that is due

ScurryfungeMaster · 01/09/2022 14:00

Unless you're happy to just give her the money without the expectation of getting it back, then it's got to be a no surely? It's unlikely that you'd be the top priory when it comes to paying back debt, especially if they are facing things like having their home repossessed. Plus what happens next time school fees need to be paid?

She should contact the school and see if they can help her but otherwise I don't see that private school is a necessity especially if you're struggling financially and there are alternatives.

ThisisCollie2022 · 01/09/2022 14:02

Say you can't afford it either.....

But always remain vague about your life. Have your boundaries up and stay vague.

Hydrangeatea · 01/09/2022 14:03

Bretonbear · 01/09/2022 13:42

And this.

People are worried that they haven't got enough jumpers to keep warm this winter and you post your stealth brag OP. Very odd.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

Oh dear, I can't possibly work this out for myself, we can easily afford it but I am just unable to think of how to say no. What on earth should I do with all my wealth mumsnet.

For god's sake.... 🙄🙄🙄

Megifer · 01/09/2022 14:03

I don't mean this nasty at at all, but how on earth can you have £4k to spare on a stranger pretty much but have hardly any common sense 🤣🤣

Bless you for even thinking about it, but no.

MillyWithaY · 01/09/2022 14:07

Reply saying you were just about to ask her the same thing! That's the tack I take now when people ask for sponsorship for charity walks/ swims/ hopping on one leg etc.

justasking111 · 01/09/2022 14:08

SpikeyHatePotato · 01/09/2022 11:42

Don’t lend it, but you could suggest she speaks to the school bursar, there may be support available that is she not aware of

This is good advice our bursar was a lovely man who was used to juggling this type of help

MrsC3PO · 01/09/2022 14:13

Say no. You don't even really know her. She's batshit for even asking you. What a weirdo, her not you 😀

LadyKenya · 01/09/2022 14:25

AlexandriasWindmill · 01/09/2022 13:47

How odd that she didn't contact the school but instead assumed you had lots of disposable income and that a few coffees meant you'd share it with her.

This. It is strange.

FindingMeno · 01/09/2022 14:29

What a piss taker 😧

Zib · 01/09/2022 14:31

LucillesLooseWheel · 01/09/2022 12:05

God, it had never occurred to me that it might be a scam. She's sworn me to secrecy (fair enough!) so I can't ask anyone else.

I think I'm just going to reply with a polite 'sorry, can't help' and give her the bursar's email address.

Am liking the single idea. We could also do a calendar - there are some very yummy mummies, although I'm afraid that my presence would not help the cause.

She's sworn you to secrecy? That makes me suspect she's sent this to a whole load of people. I would, as another poster suggested, say no and either cc or bcc the bursar.

Skodacool · 01/09/2022 14:32

If even remotely considering this, and you really shouldn’t be, then just make sure you pay the school direct and don’t give her a penny. But seriously don’t do it
Good thinking

keeprunning55 · 01/09/2022 14:32

If you don’t want to give her the money, then don’t. If you do, give it to her but don’t expect it back. It would be kind of you to if you can afford it.

gretathebetter · 01/09/2022 14:32

PainsandAches · 01/09/2022 11:42

I'd tell you're not able to loan her the money but advise her to speak to the school as many have processes in place for this very situation

This. She can appeal to the bursar and even the principal. At least to finish Y6.

lamaze1 · 01/09/2022 14:35

No. Whether you have the money or not is irrelevant. It is sad if she is struggling, but that really isn't your problem. Realistically you're unlikely to get the money back. Don't give excuses. Just say it's not possible.

MGMidget · 01/09/2022 14:37

It would definitely be a no from me. It doesnt sound like a short term blip in finances so she will need to (ahem) ‘borrow’ for secondary school too. She has probably asked loads of parents already and maybe last year’s fees were paid by ‘loans’ too. If you hardly hardly know her I doubt you are the only school mum she has approached for money.

it is sad for the boy but it looks like it is the parents’ fault and he shouldnt have been moved into the school in the first place. It is better they explore schools within their means now. I would politely point her to the bursar but I expect she has already explored this and possibly burned that bridge already as most schools make the bursary option known to parents so its unlikely she doesnt know about it!

if he is bright they should be looking at state grammar schools if there are any nearby but those exams are happening imminently so she would need to have planned this already.

Pixiedust1234 · 01/09/2022 14:39

Hell no.

Why does she/you think she can afford the term after this one. Or the next ? If she has short-term money issues then she can get a bank loan like a normal person. If its not short-term issues then the boy will be leaving soon any way. Run!

Whatyagonnadokatie · 01/09/2022 14:39

Who the fuck asks anyone for a loan of £4K. Especially a near stranger. I wouldn’t ask my parents for it!

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/09/2022 14:41

I don't know why people are suggesting saying she can't afford it.

No not an option but contact school is fine.

This women is not a goid friend so has either exhausted all friends/family.. maybe everyone is paying a term? She has abused them previously borrowing money. Or they know she can't pay it

If she can't afford fees he is probably better transitioning to state secondary from state primary

scotscorner · 01/09/2022 14:50

ChuggaChuggaTooToo · 01/09/2022 12:15

It's lovely of you that you would even consider this, but I don't think it's appropriate to hand over that kind of money to a fairly distant acquaintance.

If you could genuinely afford to part with £4000 then donate it to the School's bursary and hardship fund because the school can then assess the magnitude of the genuine need of all potential candidates and make an appropriate provision. For all you know, there could be half a dozen other kids whose parents are in a similarly dire situation and need the money just as much, but their parents wouldn't dream of making a CF direct request like this.

This is a great suggestion

Greyarea12 · 01/09/2022 14:52

Absolutely not.

This sounds like some sort of scam. When do people ask someone they barely know for a lend of money, never mind £4000. Plus wouldn't you ask in person, especially for such a large amount of money? Even more so that she has sworn you to secrecy, makes it sound even more like there is more to this.

By giving her that amount of money you are letting her know that £4000 isn't much to you because most people at the moment could barely lend £400, never mind £4000 so you would be unknowingly letting her know your current financial position.

You would be absolutely crazy to even consider this.

Ihaveanoldiphone · 01/09/2022 14:53

I have a lot of savings but I would much rather give money to someone for their heating and food than someone to use on luxuries such as private school. My dc is at a private school and if we ever can’t afford it I would not hesitate to send them to a state school rather than ask someone random to cover fees. How embarrassing and weird. I’m not sure that you’re genuinely considering giving it to her tbh as I don’t know anyone that would and I’m talking about people who regularly give money to charity. If someone at my dc school asked me id just say no and not explain further but I will advise them
to contact the bursars office to see if they can help. CF.

catandcoffee · 01/09/2022 15:03

How will it be obvious you can afford it ?
just because you have a big house ?
🤔

Justkidding55 · 01/09/2022 15:04

RedWingBoots · 01/09/2022 11:43

"No"

If she has difficulty paying the fees and no family will help then she needs to talk to the school.

If the school can't help then her child will have to transfer to a state school. Her child will learn not to live outside your means.

I was on board with this comment until the last comment. They’ve been living within their means for the entire school years before now.Would you tell a poor family that their child should have their education disrupted because they come from a poor family? When do we teach middle class or poor kids to live within their means? It’s not the child’s fault. You sound very unpleasant as though it their fault.