School mum has asked me to lend her money for school fees

[LucillesLooseWheel]

DS is in a prep school (just starting Year 6) and about a year ago, a new boy started.

Yesterday, I got an email from his Mum asking if I could lend her nearly £4000 as she can't pay next term's school fees.

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation. However, I hardly know her. We chat at the school gate/matches etc, and we've had a couple of quick coffees at playdates/parties, but that's really all.

She wants to pay me back over the next six months. The problem is, I'm really not convinced she can pay it back - the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy. Neither parent is in a particularly well-paying type job.

It's not losing the money that's worrying me (although that's not great, obvs) it's the thought of the MASSIVE awkwardness every time in see her for the next three years if she doesn't pay it back.😬

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it, but it will be fairly obvious to her that I can (I'm not blingy at all, but we are lucky to have a large house in an expensive area). Also, I feel sorry for the poor boy He's happy in the school and Year 6 is a big deal - they are about to take high-stakes pre-tests for senior schools. If he had to leave, there's a reasonable likelihood that he would end up at the not-so-great comp near where they live. (There are some fab comps in the area, but they would be lucky to hit catchment).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

As someone who has lived on both sides of the "pond" - The short (rather "American") answer would be "Nope! Not today Satan" The ask is absolutely bonkers and you should NEVER be made to feel guilty (intended or not) about YOUR status in life. I understand that you feel bad for the child stuck in the middle of his parents poor choices BUT (I am a therapist so I love love love the following expression) IT IS NOT YOUR BAGAGE TO CARRY! Their situation is theirs alone and you even questioning your right to say no is what is wrong the entitled off-putting bold parents that I come in contact with on a daily basis!

I don’t think the OP is stealth boasting. Her having a large house in a nice area is relevant - it’s the reason a vague acquaintance has asked to borrow a large sum.

Realistically, should you lend the money, you’ll never see it again. She’ll start avoiding you. She won’t tell her husband that she’s borrowed off you (and other people) - and will claim that he’s much too proud so she can’t tell him - so the moment they have any money they’ll get a new boiler, get the car serviced or whatever else they’ve been putting off.

First, check if it's a genuine message from her.
Or has her email been hacked and she's sent the same demand to every parent. . Just forward the email to the school and ask them to deal with it.

Economically there is no point begging people you barely know for ONE term's fees. If she can't pay one terms fees she can't afford the rest of his education in private school.

Really ? you say NO of course .

In fairness, I’ve had someone ask to borrow money off me (not so much - £1.5k to pay a tax bill). She assumed that I would have access to this and would be able to lend it without mentioning it to my husband. When I said I wouldn’t lend her unless she told her husband (and said I’d discussed it with mine), she said how he was much too proud to accept them borrowing money. So that was a no. They both avoid me now so it’s fine.

I don’t even believe this happened. No normal person would ask OR consider lending that amount to a virtual stranger.

Say no and do not even get slightly involved.

This would be just one term’s fees so what would she do for the next? And the next?
Suggest she should speak to the Bursar. Personally I wouldn’t get involved.

I'm truly sorry if I've upset anyone. I grew up pretty poor and I know what it's like - I've been there - and feel genuine empathy for anyone who is struggling right now.

But this upbringing does mean that sometimes I feel like a foreigner in the land of the rich, and although my gut reaction was 'no way', I found myself second guessing it and worrying that I was being an arse. I don't have anyone in real life to discuss it with - my friends are either other school parents, or are in a different financial position and it would feel crass.

The responses on here have reassured me that I'm not being unreasonable, and for that I'm very grateful.

I don't think I am going to mention it to anyone in real life. I do think the request is genuine, rather than a scam, although I have form for being a bit too trusting.

Hopefully there may be a school grant or a bursary she can apply for , but if not perhaps her child will settle happily like many others at a state school

the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy.

IOW, they can't sustain a private education .They will not be able to pay the next years fees, or for the rest of their child's education at private school.

Fortunately, he can attend state school FREE and immediately relieve pressure on their finances. That's in the child's best interest, rather than the family running up further loans and debts .

For me, it would be relative to just how wealthy I am. If I was a multimillionaire and 20k was a drop in the ocean to me then I would pay for the boy's year 6 fees and allow the family some breathing space to plan for secondary school. Alas, I am not a multimillionaire and unless I win the lottery I am unlikely to ever be one so I will never be presented with a dilemma like this. I understand why you asked for advice.

Oh ffs it's not a stealth brag. You do know that it's not a 'disgrace' to be in a well paid job / inherit money / or even (heaven forbid) have a partner who is a high earner.

I have none of the above, but have absolutely no issue with anyone who posts about their wealth if the information is contextual (which in in this case it absolutely is).

So sick of people who mention their decent salary or home-ownership attracting bitterness. We KNOW people are struggling. I imagine 99% of MN is worrying about heating bills this year. It shouldn't make you a target for spite if you aren't.

OP - obviously you say 'no' and point her towards the Bursar. I'd also say something along the lines of "I was very surprised you asked and it's made me a bit uncomfortable" in order to nip any further requests in the bud.

Just say no, sounds like they can't afford for their child to attend that school anymore. You having the money to afford it doesn't matter here, he isn't your child or a close relative, why on earth would you pay his school fees? They need to find a suitable state school to move their child to, not approach other parents for money.

@LucillesLooseWheel
I think I'd maybe mention it to the school, esp if was done via email. So they can keep an eye on the bigger picture. You'd never think a kid would rock up at a private school hungry because the cupboards are empty or turn up getting into trouble for forgetting books / pens whatever because the books don't exist.

You are absolutely right not to be giving money away and your odds of seeing it again would be remote.

As you say yourself it's fairly "obvious" how you would respond, so its then kind of hard to understand why on earth the OP would even be posting. Such a weird request and makes it look like a stealth brag.

People aren't being bitchy with that, it's noting that it's a crass thing to do.

No way. I'd help a close friend in a bad situation. But prep school is a luxury, not a necessity, and you hardly know her.

I wouldn't even reply to the email, she's as good as a stranger to you!

Just forward the email to the school and ask them to deal with it.

Oh yes, because schools don't have enough to do! What's it got to do with school if one parent is trying to borrow/scam money from another? What exactly do you expect them to do? Schools must get fed up of being used as society's policeman/person/officer, sort your own problems out, pretend you're an adult!

I agree with @YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse .

I doubt she’ll raise it

I certanily would not as it would just be the start of more and more requests for money from her. If I were very rich and needed help I suppose I might let her work at £10 an hour at say 20 hours every weekend so about 200 a week over 20 weeks to earn the sum, doing the garden or cleaning and only once the work is done hand over the earning. I wonder what she would think if you were making her do some hard work.

Don’t feel bad , just say no. You don’t owe her an explanation.

This. I'm all.for helping others but unless £4000 to you is the equivalent of £4 to most people I'd say no. She needs to arrange a payment scheme with the school.

'Sorry, we have a strict rule of not lending money to anyone after being let down in the past. Hope you manage to sort something out.'

It has to be a firm no, OP. If she's cheeky enough to ask, she's cheeky enough to try to push you on it if you're not firm from the off.

What is she going to do about next term's fees? It's only 3 months away!!