Looking for full boarding prep from Y3 recommendations

[LadyBugLovely]

Hi everyone,

First time boarding parent here. I’m looking for recommendations for full boarding preps (from age 7-13) for my DS and DD. Would prefer single sex schools for prep so would naturally need two different places... Is this going to cause me huge amounts of hassle?

Kids are bright. DS not super sporty, likes stem, tech building, individual pursuits in sport. DD more sporty and would like ponies at school, also v artsy.

I’m looking for:
Full boarding, pref 100% or a large amount of children doing full boarding.

Love international environments but don’t really want my kids to be the only ones not speaking mandarin or Russian etc. at the weekend.

Quite flexible with regards to area but would need to be ‘the south’. Quite close to Heathrow or Gatwick would be a bonus...

Schools would need to be within reasonable proximity to one another too I suspect to make this viable.

I’ve looked at Ludgrove but not sure if it is too much of a hot house and with competitive parents? I don’t drive a flash car etc. and don’t particularly entertain that type of pretension amongst parents and kids. Other options include Cothill and Horris Hill for DS. For DD I do quite like the look of Hanford but I’m not too sure if this is a bit too ‘informal’? These schools are nowhere close to each other either. I know it is much harder to find an all girls full boarding prep (and add in pony requirement to that) but would be grateful of ideas.

Are these ideas and criteria complete unrealistic?

If you are able to live near your DDs school for the first year that would be excellent - especially if you can start her as a flexi boarder moving to full in the summer term after half term.

@OverTheRubicon no I wasn't commenting on your post at all. The boarding school syndrome thing I meant. Always comes up - and I don't doubt it's a real thing as many generations of kids were forced to board who just hated it and were miserable in cold hard institutions. And I agree with you. I boarded at 8 and whilst I loved many aspects, it definitely wasn't all roses. On balance I'm glad I did though and I much preferred it to the day school i went to at 11, so eventually went back to boarding at 15. However that really was another era!

There was a documentary about Sunningdale on YouTube. It was called "Britain's Youngest Boarders". The school looked lovely, but I have to agree with @OverTheRubicon - it completely broke my heart to see those boys so clearly homesick but trying to act strong

If you're in England for the next few years - can you not send both kids to a co-ed day prep? There are so many great schools to choose from

@CakesOfVersailles. Yes- I think this would be great solution, to start her off weekly, flexi might work if at Godstowe but not Hanford, location wise.
@XelaM it’s not possible with our set-up. Currently at a rather nice day coed but unfortunately it is not sustainable moving forward.

I don't want to pry, but I'm a single mum with my whole family abroad. I work very long hours and pre-covid had to travel for work as well. So I completely understand not having a set-up to sustain children in all of this. But my solution was a live-in nanny. We only let her go when lockdown began and I started working from home. Otherwise she was a life-saver for me and allowed me to keep my kid at home in day-prep

Are there literally no other options before the age of 13? I know two guys in their 40s who boarded from eight years old. Completely damaged by the experience and would never dream of sending their own children. Also successful on paper but one suffered sexual abuse and the other cannot Express his feelings at all as had to repress them to cope with being away from his parents. It's a dreadful thing for most small children. I can only think of some very extreme situations , such as severe mental illness or alcoholism where sending your children to be raised by strangers would be beneficial to their welfare compared to being with their parents and I hope you dont fall into those categories. Please find any other solution! Money, career , houses etc are really not more important than raising your children at home with you. I would rather go on benefits t han send my kids away at 8.

I used to work at a boarding school. Hardly anyone sent under 11s (about 5 flexi boarders usually with older siblings) and there were no full boarders below Year 7 bar one. It’s awful seeing very young children being sent to board, I’ve no doubt it does irreversible damage. None of the teaching or pastoral staff were in favour of it and I’ll admit, none of us could understand why parents sent children so young to board. There was one 8 year old full boarder, a German boy whose parents were diplomats. He sobbed and sobbed for months, couldn’t eat, was pale with dark rings under his eyes from not sleeping, he’d be physically sick. The worst part of the day was home time when the day pupils parents would collect their little ones and he’d see every child in his class except him going home to be with parents. It made him feel so abandoned. We did everything we could, made a fuss of him, spoiled him rotten, collected him by the hand at the end of the school day and promised him treats like swimming or horse riding on the beach straight after school but he was ill with it all. We had to get the doctor in as he was pining away. Doctors verdict “you are doing all you can, he just needs his Mum” and complex trauma/abandonment and separation anxiety. He eventually stopped crying but that was worse, he was totally numb and had learned to completely disassociate from his emotions and did everything he could to avoid developing bonds as he was convinced everyone would eventually abandon him. His parents were informed regularly but said it was their only option and he’d just have to adjust and toughen up. I really couldn’t understand why they had planned to have a child they had no intention to raise or care for emotionally and would not help when he was in so much pain emotionally.
Boarding is never the only option for a small child and it’s astonishingly rare for it to be the best option for the child. You keep saying other options won’t work for your “set up”. What happens if your 8 year old cannot emotionally handle full time boarding? What is your back up? Are they just going to have to “deal with it”?

Knighton House offers coed full and weekly boarding from year 3. Having both children at the same school would be easier logistically. At the same school,they would see each other occasionally at least.

Thanks @Ericaequites, I have glanced over their website but will look again!

@Sandgrown1970 That's so heartbreaking and the impression I got when watching the Sunningdale documentary.

I work with a lot of diplomats in London who manage to keep their kids in day schools. I also went to (day) school with many children of diplomats. So I could never understand diplomats forcing their 8-year-old to board.

@XelaM I also went to a good indie school and then later university with a lot of Diplomats’ kids and military or government and “celeb” parents. They also stayed in day school, quite a few accompanied parents to wherever they were based and went to chain International Schools or had private tutors (as did I at one point as I travelled to the USA and South Africa with my parents for months at a time right up to A-Levels). One girl in my year at school was sent to board as her father was a long haul pilot and her mother an air steward. Yet another two girls in my year also had the exact same set up and they had a live in nanny, which was cheaper and meant they wouldn’t lose out on their home and their relationship with their siblings for the sake of their parents being away a few nights every fortnight.

I also found the Sunningdale documentary distressing, and the one about the little girls’ that had military parents.

@Sandgrown1970

I used to work at a boarding school. Hardly anyone sent under 11s (about 5 flexi boarders usually with older siblings) and there were no full boarders below Year 7 bar one. It’s awful seeing very young children being sent to board, I’ve no doubt it does irreversible damage. None of the teaching or pastoral staff were in favour of it and I’ll admit, none of us could understand why parents sent children so young to board. There was one 8 year old full boarder, a German boy whose parents were diplomats. He sobbed and sobbed for months, couldn’t eat, was pale with dark rings under his eyes from not sleeping, he’d be physically sick. The worst part of the day was home time when the day pupils parents would collect their little ones and he’d see every child in his class except him going home to be with parents. It made him feel so abandoned. We did everything we could, made a fuss of him, spoiled him rotten, collected him by the hand at the end of the school day and promised him treats like swimming or horse riding on the beach straight after school but he was ill with it all. We had to get the doctor in as he was pining away. Doctors verdict “you are doing all you can, he just needs his Mum” and complex trauma/abandonment and separation anxiety. He eventually stopped crying but that was worse, he was totally numb and had learned to completely disassociate from his emotions and did everything he could to avoid developing bonds as he was convinced everyone would eventually abandon him. His parents were informed regularly but said it was their only option and he’d just have to adjust and toughen up. I really couldn’t understand why they had planned to have a child they had no intention to raise or care for emotionally and would not help when he was in so much pain emotionally. Boarding is never the only option for a small child and it’s astonishingly rare for it to be the best option for the child. You keep saying other options won’t work for your “set up”. What happens if your 8 year old cannot emotionally handle full time boarding? What is your back up? Are they just going to have to “deal with it”?

This has made me cry. Poor boy.

I am really intrigued about your set up as you have said you'd be able to live near one of the schools. So why the need for boarding? Just interested, not judging.

That's so sad @Sandgrown1970. Poor wee lad. It's emotional neglect, really.

Sandgrown1970

I used to work at a boarding school. Hardly anyone sent under 11s (about 5 flexi boarders usually with older siblings) and there were no full boarders below Year 7 bar one.

While, as I've said, I wouldn't send a child under 10, I do really think there's a big difference between what you describe and being at a prep boarding school with a house specifically set up for your age group (at 8 or 9 or 10). At the prep I know best younger siblings clamoured to be allowed to board even when their parents wouldn't allow it. There really was no element at all of being forced, or sent away. An 8 or 9 year old would never find themselves the only one - there were a houseful. And no child sobbed and sobbed for months, couldn’t eat, was pale with dark rings under his eyes from not sleeping. Their parents would have been told pdq that it wasn't working out. The school couldn't take such a risk when the other children would be chattering about such a thing - both to their families and to the school inspectors. It's just not in their interests to keep an unhappy child.

Again, it's not something I would choose to do - but the picture you paint doesn't accord with what I have observed in the very recent past.

Why bother having kids if you just want to palm them off to strangers to look after them full time?

Child neglect pure and simple, moneyed style

I have to hide threads like this.

It is so ironic that we are talking about education yet many educated in the field of psychology will repeatedly refer to the damage done. The German boy will never have recovered, probably not maintain good relationships and will not have peace of mind - ever. Why would you pay to do that to someone you supposedly love. There has been boarding in my family and I'm strongly against it.

At the prep I know best younger siblings clamoured to be allowed to board even when their parents wouldn't allow it. There really was no element at all of being forced, or sent away. An 8 or 9 year old would never find themselves the only one - there were a houseful.

Oh yes, 8 and 9 year olds are well known for their good decision making.

@PursuingProxemicExactitude

Sandgrown1970

I used to work at a boarding school. Hardly anyone sent under 11s (about 5 flexi boarders usually with older siblings) and there were no full boarders below Year 7 bar one.

While, as I've said, I wouldn't send a child under 10, I do really think there's a big difference between what you describe and being at a prep boarding school with a house specifically set up for your age group (at 8 or 9 or 10). At the prep I know best younger siblings clamoured to be allowed to board even when their parents wouldn't allow it. There really was no element at all of being forced, or sent away. An 8 or 9 year old would never find themselves the only one - there were a houseful. And no child sobbed and sobbed for months, couldn’t eat, was pale with dark rings under his eyes from not sleeping. Their parents would have been told pdq that it wasn't working out. The school couldn't take such a risk when the other children would be chattering about such a thing - both to their families and to the school inspectors. It's just not in their interests to keep an unhappy child.

Again, it's not something I would choose to do - but the picture you paint doesn't accord with what I have observed in the very recent past.

It was only 2015. The parents wouldn’t take him back! He wasn’t the only one in the house Monday-Friday, there were 5 10 and 11 year old boys who were flexi boarders and occasionally you’d have a few extras stay due to a sleepover but he was alone at weekends and the longer exeats. Some teachers who lived on-site used to take him to play with their children at the weekends or he’d join in with the routine and trips of the Yr 7 children with a one to one member of staff. Of course the school definitely shouldn’t have taken him but, as is the case with most independent schools, money talks. The school frequently informed the parents it wasn’t working and was causing more harm than good. They just kept reiterating their lifestyle wouldn’t work with a child and that he’d settle in eventually.

I disagree about looking pale, sobbing, dark circles under eyes, not eating or sleeping being unique to this school or child. It’s quite common in homesick students. For some it’s all over in three weeks, for others though thankfully rare it can last most of the first year on and off and rear it’s ugly head every August/September and January (and I’ve worked in lots of schools and seen this). We see this with some first year undergrads when they first move away from home and struggle to adjust at university. It’s insane that we expect young children ten years younger to have no issue.

I can’t say the two documentaries about prep boarding schools have glossed over these issues either. What I saw on those was very typical to real life experience for me.

My ex was sent to board at 7. Not THAT long ago. Good school, “idyllic”. I really think boarding before 11 should be banned. Certainly full time boarding.

It permanently damaged him (it’s why he’s my ex!). His psychiatrist said it’s strongly evidenced that it’s an Adverse Childhood Experience and the damage caused to the development of the child’s brain and emotional development is identical to the effect of a young child being taken away and put into care.

From his point of view...yes there were polo ponies and swimming and lots of clubs and “distractions” but that didn’t make up for losing out on a normal childhood and a family and a home life and having to cope with always being “on” and not being able to express his emotions the way you would with family. His siblings were much older and sent to other schools so not only did he experience the trauma of separation from his parents and never being able to have a close relationship with them, he also ended up viewing his siblings as strangers, grieving his home. Not to mention, jealous because they weren’t sent away until they were 13 and 15 and so got a childhood. He felt no one loved him. He had abandonment issues. He developed this fixed stare and would just sit in a corner, even in our relationship and “go somewhere” else and I just couldn’t reach him. He was filled with self hate and couldn’t see himself as lovable, because if he was lovable, why would his parents have not wanted to care for him and spend time with him. He had Avoidance issues and we broke up mainly because he was wasting my fertile years and kept pushing me away. Whenever I’d try and express my love to him, he’d become cruel and punishing. He’d just keep saying “can’t you understand? They broke me at 7 years old!” He had an honest heart to heart and explained he couldn’t face having children because he was terrified of hurting them the way his parents had damaged him. Having met his parents they were cold social climbers who shouldn’t have bothered having children. I cannot understand anyone who would send their child to boarding school so young. It seems utterly heartless. There’s no excuse or justification that would convince me it’s ok having seen the damage it did first hand. And that was a great, play based, environment.

His parents said it was his choice. Well course it is when you keep saying “do you want to go away to school like your brother and sister and have lots and lots of fun adventures and sleep in a castle everynight?” What 7 or 8 year old wouldn’t say yes? Especially with the Hogwarts narrative. But little ones can’t make massive life changing decisions like that in my opinion. You only get one childhood.

@Sandgrown1970 I saw both documentaries and I completely agree. They were not trying to portray the schools in any bad light (in fact I guess the Sunningdale documentary was a promotional documentary about how wonderful the school is) but those homesick children just broke my heart.

@ExtraordinaryQuince

At the prep I know best younger siblings clamoured to be allowed to board even when their parents wouldn't allow it. There really was no element at all of being forced, or sent away. An 8 or 9 year old would never find themselves the only one - there were a houseful.

Oh yes, 8 and 9 year olds are well known for their good decision making.

I said their parents wouldn't allow it ...

If the airport requirement is no longer a definite, look at Wycliffe in Gloucestershire. Co-ed, boards from 7 and military families are about 30% of the full boarders and tend to be around at weekends. I know there are stables nearby and that pupils do get to ride but maybe not as much as your DD would like. The flexi-boarding set up is pretty good there too so it would be possible for your DD to stay for a couple of nights each week if she was interested in doing that and you didn't need her to board just yet.

Are you able to say a little more about your set up to see if there are other options possible?

For example if you will be uk based can you have them home at weekends? Or would a live in nanny be possible so they have that sense of home and regular attachment even if it isn't you guys?

Is this your child or a child you're responsible for or is there another reason you don't think you can see them during term time?

Are there concerns about parenting or safety at home? Is that somehing that can be addressed instead? Or a carefully chosen nanny to take the responsibility.

Are there any other family who can help at all for weekend visits?

If they so definitely have to board term time what is the plan for the long holidays?