Is boarding school only for the wealthy?

[bigyellowballoon]

I am looking at secondary schools and would really like my only dc to board. She's confident outgoing intelligent all the things I wasn't and also being an only she does get lonely and I think it would suit her spending extra time with friends.
The thing is they seem to be absolutely out of bounds financially. Do 'normal' families go? We are at a prep at the moment but not at application stage for secondary yet.

I agree with @moofolk

When people are dying on the streets,
And foodbanks are set up for babies.

How can anyone call themselves "poor" and earn 100k.

It is not just wrong - ie you are not poor - it is rude and insensitive, regarding what is currently going on in the country

Cannot let the comments about Christ's Hospital go unanswered. It was a vile place when I went there with rampant bullying. I clearly remember the violence starting on the opening night in the late eighties and it never let up. Decades later I'm still touchy about the whole experience. I would never send my children there. Under any circumstances whatsoever. No amount of extra curricular opportunities or facilities make up for the deep psychological trauma from behaviour that makes "Lord of the flies" seem slightly restrained.

Re the holidays, DD boarded for sixth form, exeats fell midway between each half term with a 3pm pickup. (So every three weeks) All students had to leave the school for exeats and holidays, either to family or guardians.

During the holidays there were no school holiday clubs, the school was in use for Associates courses or filming. Plus it was 2.5 hours away. If it was nearer then she would’ve been a day pupil!

So roughly every third week there’s a long weekend at home, then half term, then 3-4 weeks at Christmas and at Easter, then 8 weeks in the summer.

And in these breaks DC want to be at home to sleep and recover not take part in camps. Boarding is so full on, they need the down time.

angell84

Brilliant virtue signalling there. Nothing to do with the actual post. Not sure the OP described herself as poor either, but don't let that get in the way of telling us how altruistic you are.

Please don't consider boarding. I nearly distorted my son by sending him. My brother hated it and aged 53 is resentful that he was sent. My sister and I were not. As a former senior school nurse in a boarding school for a number of years, I have seen too many kids self harm, have eating disorders, have fractured relationships with their parents and serious mental health issues . All this in a school with a good reputation for pastoral care. Chdren are children for such a short while. Support your child and encourage clubs and friendship s but they need you and their family more than they need friend or academic excellence. Apologies for rant but boarding is an awful institution

I have known families with squillions send there kids to good state comprehensives and I've known middle-class "doing ok" families send their kids to top private schools. My household income is about £65k but I live in London and have debts...I looked into trying to get a scholarship for DD but unless she was musical (she's not) or hugely into maths or drama (meh) there wasn't really anything she could aim for. So she goes to a state comp in London and doing very well in English and Humanities. It's a bloody good school, as good as any private in the area. I don't think she has missed out on going private at all.

Boarding schools are not like bog standard day schools. The best are very different from comprehensives. It’s not all about exams. It’s about breadth of education.

Full boarding at DDs school is just short of £12,000 a term in the 6th form. Fees are reduced for weekly boarding and flexible boarding. It totally suited my DDs and although I didn’t work, plenty of mums did.

Only you can do your sums and decide what you can afford. If she’s not academically outstanding or brilliant at other aspects of school life, I don’t see how she can get a scholarship. These are often worth little anyway. You earn too much for a bursary I feel.

Modern boarding is great for many DC. However they need to want it. There is nothing wrong with parents working and DC being aware of their parents’ needs and aspirations. My DDs found a wealth of things to do at school and lifelong friends. It was their second home. We visited for every event they were in and made every effort to participate in school life. Some parents didn’t do that. If DC boards, choose one quite close to home and make sure she’s supported. Even if it grandparents. Or Godparents.

Some DC are made for boarding. Others are not. The costs will go up though. So make sure you really can afford it.

There is certainly a perception that everyone at boarding school is astronomically wealthy (and at some boarding schools that is the case) but I've been rather surprised that that doesn't seem to be the case everywhere and boarding is far more commonplace in the UK than I had thought.

Particularly when I started working in London it became clear that lots of people had opted for it as an option which fits in with family life and gives their children a fantastic education at the same time. In my industry you are contracted to an 8 hour day but realistically everyone works at least 1 - 2 hours overtime daily, plus an hour (at least) commuting each way so for working families boarding school means not having to line up and fund childcare every day both before and after school. I was surprised by the number of people in the same line of work as me from similar (not at all well to do) backgrounds going for this option.

If you think your child would thrive, I would absolutely consider it.

If you are a boarder you miss out on family life. This is a time when you are vulnerable as a teenager. You don’t sit round the table eating dinner together after school. Your parents won’t tuck you in and kiss you goodnight. You won’t get your own bedroom probably and may have to share with one or more people you never met before who may not even speak to you or may bully you. Boarding school can be very lonely indeed especially at weekends when you wish you were just in your own home with your family.

Your relationship with your child will never be what it could have been and she will inevitably be moulded by her experience in certain ways.

It took me years to realise the effect that boarding had on me, and I was confident and on the face of it loved it, yes it was fun. I was successful there. However I know now that I have children what I missed out on from age 11-18 which is irreplaceable. As my oldest child approaches the age I went to boarding school the feelings get stronger.

By the way I would never admit this in real life because I wouldn’t want to upset my mum. So some people may want to say it had no harmful effects for similar reason.

I made wonderful friends at boarding school but we all have some similar traits. Key issue is being forced to be independent far too early. So many married very young and had children young. Many failed marriages already. During school, there are probably more opportunities to take drugs, drink, sex, although schools will not admit that, or even know.

@Nagabagasaurus all of your issues from your time as a nurse existed at length in the grammar school I attended so I don't think it should be limited to a particular type of school.
@ChocoChunk1 I'm not sending my dd simply for grades, dc who are going to get good grades will most likely get them anywhere imo.
Thanks @BubblesBuddy between me and dh we would of course endeavour to attend as many events as possible. When we travel it's normally within a working week and dh hates not being back for a Friday when he usually wfh. I've put into our estimates a 5% annual increase in fees. Not sure if that's too low perhaps. We have already started saving for them though so hopefully could scrape it all together. I can only wish we had grandparents involvement. Alas they are all gone. God parents moved away and unfortunately it really is just us.
And although some have said about a nanny etc I employed one for 5 years and that was enough for me.

Not all teens are vulnerable. Not all teens need tucking in at night.

In your position I would look at weekly boarding. So 4/5 nights. If DD is sporty there might be Saturday matches but you could find this works well.

I think around 5% is a good idea. We didn’t have grandparents either so DH and i we’re fully engaged and DDs took part in lots of things. We also chose a school where parents were welcomed.

You absolutely don’t have a worse relationship with DDs. In fact it can be far better. In all the years my DDs boarded there was no nagging about homework. It was done at school. No ferrying DDs to clubs and activities. All was done at school. When they were at home, they chilled out and has choices about what they did or didn’t do. I can see no difference between our family relationships after boarding in comparison to day pupils. Nor am I aware of poor relationships between their friends and their parents. If you think it will work for your family, you will be really pleased at the type of school available and what they can offer.

Fascinating thread.

My relationship with DC1 (the only one I currently have boarding) has always been very, very good. He and I are peas in a pod. It has not worsened for him being at boarding school (and he is 250 miles away, so I have to choose 'special events' to attend at school as I also have younger DC at home). As PP have said, boarding reduces the nagging about revision, homework, etc, etc, etc. My nagging days ended when he went to boarding school.

I would disagree that all teens are vulnerable and need tucking up. Some do, some don't. Some teenagers also benefit from being away from family dynamics if these are less than ideal. There are lots of things to take into account where an individual child is concerned, rather than dogmatic beliefs or ideologies about education.

Well said. Totally agree. My son was horrifically bullied (Has Asperger's so deemed different and good bait) and later sexually abused by two older pupils. Brave enough to tell and get help but it has messed with his head. In hindsight we should never have sent him but we're persuaded by silver tongued head that it was the best thing for an Aspie. I will never forgive myself. I had achd because I wanted a child not to push them off to a bunch of strangers because they get hormonal and stroppy teenagers. You will not get your child back. You will get what the teachers think you should have.

You absolutely don’t get what the teachers think you should have. If you have a child with special needs then perhaps it isn’t for them. You should follow your instincts and not listen to a head who doesn’t know your family. I wouldn’t have sent an ”aspie” to a boarding school in any circumstances. The DD in question and my DDs are not remotely in this situation so it’s not comparable. I believe very strongly that you must know your DC and what you think is best for them because it’s you who know them best. Not any head teacher. Or indeed having your head turned because the LA is paying from its Sen budget.

20:30 Nagabagasaurus....not for everyone it isn't
I loved boarding school, made life long friends and it taught me independence and gave me confidence to go out into the world a fully rounded happy person.You have to judge each school and each child individually. Sweeping statements when you have actually never boarded yourself is a load of scaremongering.

I went to boarding school. I loved it but would never send my own children. I love them too much.

And Bubbles you are kidding yourself. My relationship with my parents seemed better because they didn’t really know me. I saved my real self for my friends. Who were there for me.

Lovemy lot I completely agree with you.

My relationship with my parents seemed better because they didn’t really know me. I saved my real self for my friends

I think most teens do this, boarding or not.

You may be right. Of course I only know of my own experience. Having my own children now though, I would never want them to feel I had ‘farmed them out’ rather than caring for them myself. That is how I and my friends felt. Even though it was a lovely school and I enjoyed it. There was never any doubt that my relationship with my parents was damaged forever. Though, like the PP, I would never say this to them as I wouldn’t want to hurt them.

That's a shame. Didn't you feel that they were trying to give you a great education and probably made a lot of sacrifices to get you there? Or wasn't it a very academic or prestigious school?

Boarding schools always seemed scary, cold places to me and I always thought that many children were traumatised by the whole experience. But then I was a child who hated going away for the summer to children's camps (my parents always wanted to send me). It was awful to be at the mercy of mean teachers and sometimes mean kids and nowhere to escape. Having said that, many many kids loved the same camps and were excited about going every year. It all depends on the child.

My own daughter has recently shocked me by begging me to look into boarding, so she can go to a school with a livery (she is quite seriously into horse riding). We will do a "taster night" at Hanford, but I'm not really "on board" so far...

Hanford is a very particular sort of prep. You will need to be completely on board!

My colleague also hs a daughter who has made him allow (and fund) her flexi boarding as she wanted to stay with her friends who mostly board. She loves it and doesn't want to come home. All kids are different...

@Trewser Ohh please tell me more. All I have read and heard so far about Hanford was overwhelmingly positive. It is absolutely miles and miles away from London though (where we live)