Is boarding school only for the wealthy?

[bigyellowballoon]

I am looking at secondary schools and would really like my only dc to board. She's confident outgoing intelligent all the things I wasn't and also being an only she does get lonely and I think it would suit her spending extra time with friends.
The thing is they seem to be absolutely out of bounds financially. Do 'normal' families go? We are at a prep at the moment but not at application stage for secondary yet.

Lots of children from military families used to board, less now as subsidies and discounts are waning.

Boarding is expensive and the bursars will look at everything to see if you are due some financial support. I don't know what car any of the parents at Ds's school drive. I do know one uses a motorbike as I'm jealous when he turns up to matches and parks easily. I don't like the Mumsnet 30 years ago reference point.

I think it varies a lot ito what bursars look for.
In our case it's only household income and if you have any other dependants.
They aren't interested in your mortgage, size of house, equity, how many holidays you have, whether you both work, or anything else.

In equal measures they aren't interested in your outgoings, so you pay a fixed fee dependant on income.
It's a very fair system except for those who have little disposable income, but they tend to cut back to afford it.

@Mutakirorikatum your life resonates with what I'm trying to achieve but my op is about worrying dd will be the 'poor dc' and I wouldn't want her to feel that way. She's resilient but even so I'm still concerned about that aspect.

I can make it work (just) financially I think if I work but I travel and have late nights and often continue working through the evening so it would be difficult to always be there for dd in the evenings and two hours a day nanny's are hard to come by outside of London.

So even with me paying fees we would have a modest lifestyle so my op really was are there others doing this?
I think there are tbh and I think I feel more positive now about working my behind off to see her off to one. If it doesn't work out I have tried but I'd look at all options in that light as well.

Is there any chance your DC would qualify for a scholarship, ie academic, sport, music etc? If so, speak to any possible schools and particular the bursars. DD wanted a difference music experience and new challenge, so wanted to board for Sixth form (previously at state). There were two schools she wanted to apply to and she was offered to two scholarships. Offers varied in terms of bursaries though, first option 45% scholarship, no bursary, second school 10% scholarship, 90% bursary, school uniform paid for. Her first choice had been the second, but going with the first choice every single penny of savings would have gone, and we'd have struggled to pay the basic bills even cutting back.

She wanted to go, found it tough to start with, but recently said it was the best thing she ever did. There are a lot of children from wealthy families, but the other children had no problem with her background. We had children to stay, taking them out and eating on Tescos vouchers, she'd go and stay with others and have £200 concert tickets bought for her, manicures, offers of more than one trip abroad, which we did refuse.

She's at uni now, but still in touch with many and has seen a couple in last month.

I think at many boarding schools she'd fit in just fine. There may be some where she wouldn't - as with any school choice you need to visit and check, also trust your instincts and look for a good fit for your daughter.

My impression from my son's (non-London) day prep is that the handful who go on to boarding schools are almost all those who were already on fee reductions - for those families the boys boarding schools can be affordable where the local day options are not. (I mean, literally we are asked to pay less for both my children's boarding schools than at least one of the day options would have expected us to pay).

The families that can afford the prep school fees seem to stretch to the day fees for senior schools, and would mostly be expected to pay more for boarding. A lot depends on how a school means tests their bursaries which in turn depends on how deep the school's pockets are. Which unfortunately also still means that boys have more subsidies available than girls (even going for co-ed options our daughter's fees have ended up roughly double her brother's).

I agree that once they are 13 and older, the need for holiday "childcare" decreases or at least becomes much cheaper because there are more options. It's a gradual process though, and I can understand that it is very hard to see the teenager you will have, at the stage you need to be planning ahead for future choices.

Some interesting takes on wealth on this thread.

I do understand that all of this is relative and most people don't feel rich, and you know people who are better off, but have a bit of tact.

£100k a year is loads of money, so at a time when there are people dying on the streets and food banks set up for babies, worrying that you may not be able to afford boarding school, or god forbid that you might have to get a job, is really offensive.

I hope you get what you want for your daughter, but OP you are wealthy. I currently have £3 in the bank and have kids to feed. I am doing ok and will get by. I don't even think of myself as poor as I do ok some months, and will get by this month, but get some bloody perspective.

This is another thread where the definition of wealthy seems to vary enormously.
Our earnings would go nowhere near day private school so no idea how much boarding school is but several friends of mine have kids who do flexi boarding a few nights a week. Might be more affordable solution and an easier introduction to boarding.

@Mutakirorikatum your life resonates with what I'm trying to achieve but my op is about worrying dd will be the 'poor dc' and I wouldn't want her to feel that way. She's resilient but even so I'm still concerned about that aspect.

In a state boarding school she definitely wouldn't stand out, as there's a big range of backgrounds both among the boarders and the day students. In a private boarding schools, even if they have a good policy of needs-blind admission, the overall profile of families will inevitably be skewed upwards by the fact that only very rich people can afford full boarding fees.

But if you are in the £100k plus bracket, you are hardly on the breadline, so unless you choose a school that makes a point of attracting very rich international families or British 'old money' families, you're unlikely to stand out.

But see none of this makes sense to me.
If you can afford boarding school you can afford a full time nanny who might then do some other jobs for you (cooking and cleaning). Yes you won’t be available for your daughter but you won’t be available at ALL if she is in boarding school. Surely if she’s sitting at the table and doing homework and you are on your laptop you are still there. And lastly, I am still a bit bewildered that your entire focus is money and ‘fitting in’ (and career convenience) and there is little mention of what would suit your DD or benefit her emotionally and academically.
This is why all those posters helping out about state boarding schools are barking up the wrong tree. I am not sure the OP is remotely interested in that option.

Of course kids at boarding school are very wealthy. Bursaries and military families make up a small proportion. But if you are sending your child away to a school then there should, I assume, be a myriad of criteria one would consider and whether your DD will be looked ‘down’ upon should be much further down the list. After all, if you find schools (day or boarding) where the pupils are quite so snooty then why would you even consider sending your child there?

I have worked with a few people who boarded - miliatary kids, smart scholarship kids, kids who lived beyond the back of beyond... also some rich kids. Oh and DS’s school has boarders - usually it’s logistics and they aren’t all Richie Rick types (although some are). Some of his classmates went to board too - some again for logistics, Military kids, company relocation packages, scholarships. My old bosses child went to a state boarding achool.

Both my children went to a small local private boarding school to start with as we wanted them to be able to join in extra curricular activities which, as small-time working farmers, we didn't have time to take them to from a day school. Our daughter won a scholarship at the age of 13 to one of the country's leading public schools . She was there til she was 18 & really loved it and it certainly helped her with her future life although the school were horrified when she turned down a university place, preferring to start at the bottom of her chosen career and work her way up. We are from a very ordinary farming family and she was mixing with children of the rich and famous which didn't faze her at all. She made good friends with people from all backgrounds, many of whom became friends for life. Both children made the most of their time at boarding school & it's certainly not only for the very rich if you look out for bursaries & scholarships. I would never have dreamed our DD would end up at such a prestigious school but it's definitely nothing ventured, nothing gained. Check out the prospectuses of a few & see what's on offer - that's what we did.

I can make it work (just) financially I think if I work but I travel and have late nights and often continue working through the evening so it would be difficult to always be there for dd in the evenings

Really there are childcare solutions to this, especially for a relatively independent senior school age child.

To be blunt I would be less worried about her being the “poor DC” at boarding and more worried about her feeling like you sent her away so you and DH can live an unfettered life/career. Even if that really isn’t your motivation, it might appear that way to her either at the time or in future years. (Given it seems it appears that way to a few readers of this thread). She will know that nannies au pairs babysitters housekeepers working from home etc exist, and may wonder why you didn’t do any of those.

Of course if she actively chooses to board then none of that will matter as she will know it was because it was her choice not for childcare/career reasons. In your shoes I would be very very careful to ensure that the boarding school suggestion only ever comes from her and not from you.

I hope you get what you want for your daughter, but OP you are wealthy. I currently have £3 in the bank and have kids to feed. I am doing ok and will get by. I don't even think of myself as poor as I do ok some months, and will get by this month, but get some bloody perspective

If having £3 in the bank and kids to feed is a regular occurrence then you are poor, in monetary terms anyway. I don't think the OP ever said that she was poor. This thread is not about whether the OP is poor or not.

I was a poor kid at a boarding school, and although I despised it and think boarding is neglect and should be illegal before 16, I have to admit there wasn't really any snobbery.

I was a scholarship child at boarding school as a day pupil.
I didn’t come across any snobbery but plenty of parents who didn’t want to change their lifestyles to accommodate their children and preferred to outsource child rearing 24/7 (apart from holidays).

@moofolk I haven't said we are poor. Just that relatively dd may not fit in at a boarding school. Dh and I worked hard for our careers and life and still do so I don't feel bad asking others opinions on how to achieve something for my dd. I've found it very hard sacrificing my career for dd to be at home for dd. Each to their own though.

I haven't written off state boarding by any means. Being in prep you do get a bit detached from everything non private as they are really there to go onto secondary private schools.
I'm not sure why it's so tragic I'm looking to have dd at a boarding school when she's asking me to see if she can go onto one with her current friends. If I can work and dd is happy then surely that's a good thing, a nanny is a lot of admin when you're working ft and they are expensive and unpredictable. School offers more stability there for me. If I'm working in a different country I won't exactly be sat on a table near dd in the evening either.
Maybe I am truly heartless though. Of course I wouldn't force dd if she was unhappy but how would I even know if I didn't try.

OP, can't you get a 'normal' job if you would like to combine a) paying for private school and b) being around for your dd? Any job on minimum wage ( office help, McDonalds) would make up the shortfall between her prep and a day boarding place. Or you could train as a teacher. Or get a job at a private school ( office help, catering, cleaning) then you get the same holidays as dd. Almost everyone who works at my dd school seems to have their sc at the school, from the TA to the various sports/drama/music coaches to the receptionist.

We have professional experience of state boarding schools and one of the most elite in the country, as well as state and private day schools.

You'll always get posters saying that boarding school was hell and they were traumatised but I'm not sure that's unique to boarding schools. Some have had historic issues but those were 30-40 years ago now when things were very different.

Most of the kids we have seen love boarding. Terms are shorter and eith holidays and exeats they're rarely away from home for more than 3weeks at a time. They love the on call sports facilities and social aspects as well as the fact that when they go home they get proper quality time with their families. Boarding school can be hugely successful if done for the right reasons.

A few posters have already mentioned Christ's Hospital - that place truly is unique. Fees are basically means tested so you get kids of multinational CEOs learning next to those from some seriously deprived areas. Uniform is provided by the school and expensive trips are minimal so it really is as much of a level playing field as possible. If my kids wanted to go, I'd send them in a heartbeat.

Look at St George’s Harpenden

I suppose if it’s about specific schools where your daughter’s friends are going, then the ones that have day pupils and coaches into London will be of little use.

I would say, though, that even if people have money, doesn’t mean they flaunt it. I’m sure you’ll find many children with modest phones, clothes and pocket money. There will definitely be differences in terms of house size and frequency of holidays but moving on with friends, your daughter should feel quite confident and not struggle to fit in.

See some of this sounds vaguely ridiculous. A nanny is not that much admin, and it means if your child is sick they can just be at home for instance (we have a nanny, always have had and might consider boarding for our musical DS1 but it has to be about what’s best for him). I know your DD is asking but it is not clear to me that she truly understands what it means to be away from home day after day and for the long weekends.
I also find it hard to believe (we are a full time working professional family) that your choice is either you are travelling a lot internationally or not there at all.
It does sound like you gave up your career when she was in primary school when the nanny didn’t work out, and you are itching to go back to the work place. I get that. (I went back at 7 months with both kids). But boarding school is a decision that is surely way beyond ‘will she fit in economically’ and ‘she wants to hang out with her friends’.
Obviously in state boarding she would fit in. That question doesn’t even arise.
And this then raises the question: what are you going to do for the school holidays of which there are plenty? If the answer is camps and wrap around childcare then it goes back to the same question of why a nanny plus independent day school (maybe with the option of occasional boarding- my niece did that. She boarded 1-2 times a week) might be more suitable.

See the PP who says her kids are home almost every 3 weeks or so for ‘quality family time’ (which sounds reasonable). But with your international travelling job and long hours how is that going to work? You also don’t want her to the one who stays behind in school when everyone else has gone to their family.

If she is definitely the one pushing boarding school then fair enough to try to facilitate it (and the fact it would make it easier you to go back to your career is a secondary silver lining).

It doesn’t sound to me like you or your DD would stand out as different at boarding school, yes there will be some wealthier, there will also be some less well off. I hear a lot of people these days have grandparents paying fees, so the parents themselves may not be that well off at all.

Not wishing to be negative but are you sure it’s going to be possible for you to pick up where you left off after a few years (?) out? I was a city lawyer before becoming a (reluctant) SAHM and I am by no means sure it would be possible for me - not at the same level I was anyway. Maybe you have already investigated your options and know you can go back, but if not it would be worth checking with a recruiter before making school plans based on leaning back in.

Did OP really just call herself poor, when she earns 100k+

Wow. Really wow. How can anyone be that insensitive.

I have just come from a weekend in Liverpool, with literally hundreds of honeless people in the streets.

I passed by one woman- that looked so bad , I stopped to check on her. She really looked dead. I managed to help her a bit - I went into a shop and bought her warm clothes, hat and scarf, sanitary products, and food and drink.

Some one earning 100k amd calling themselves poor. It is disgusting really