Is boarding school only for the wealthy?

[bigyellowballoon]

I am looking at secondary schools and would really like my only dc to board. She's confident outgoing intelligent all the things I wasn't and also being an only she does get lonely and I think it would suit her spending extra time with friends.
The thing is they seem to be absolutely out of bounds financially. Do 'normal' families go? We are at a prep at the moment but not at application stage for secondary yet.

redsheep has a point tbf and I say that as a parent of privately educated children.

Does your dd want to board OP?

I don’t know if any school would offer you a bursary as you don’t work. However, with the wrap around care generally great in the independent sector and summer clubs available, I’m not really sure why you don’t go back to work to pay for the boarding school. You also seem to have picked a very expensive prep if you aren’t in inner London.

And why can’t your daughter attend a boarding school as a day pupil? I’m in south London and the nearest boarding school that has day pupils, does very long days for them - about 8-6 during the week + quite a long day on Saturday. Pupils literally only go home to sleep. They’re fees are 27k I think but there are some other boarding schools with day places that (I think?) cost 22-23k. Would you be able to afford that?

Is she lonely because she is at a Prep school with a wide geographical catchment?

All the only children I know are at a school where everyone lives in Eady walking distance and they are in and out of each other’s houses every evening. Same at secondary. Casual meet ups are so easy.

So to answer a few points, yes I'd absolutely have to start working to pay the fees and no I'm not looking for a bursary but didn't want to be the only people rolling around in an average car looking distinctly average. Several of dd friends have siblings at boarding schools and are planning to progress to the same schools. Therefore dd has a keen interest to move with her friends. I would try to make it work if I possibly could so started this thread to investigate. It's not the be all and end all (it couldn't possibly be on our wages) if it doesn't work but I was interested to see if there were others who have chosen a route of sacrificing to pay fees. I do only have one. If I had more I'd forget it!

Do 'normal' families go?

There are lots of different types of boarding school, some a lot more affordable than others.

For example, there are 40 state boarding schools, where the education is free but you just pay for the food and accommodation costs - that makes it A LOT more affordable to "normal" people.

Such as this state comp - www.dallamboarding.co.uk/why-us/

Or this one (a leading state grammar) - www.lrgs.org.uk/boarding/fees

Look, normal people don't go to fee-paying schools fullstop

Redsheep, that is a completely ridiculous statement.

Thismagicroundabout, your experience of your DS's school is exactly the same as mine.

Please I did not mean to offend by calling myself 'normal' I just meant not wealthy/ with earning capacity to fund a small country...

@JoJoSM2 8-6 would not cater for my job and I think I'd still have to work to send dd to an independent secondary as most are more than her prep fees. There is no way I'd be able to be at school for pick up at 6 if I got a ft job.

Boarding school effectively takes out a large logistical problem of getting dd to and from school. Unless the schools do buses perhaps and dd has to be alone when she gets home until I get home although again not sure that's so good even at 13. And even then that's dependent on me not having any travel which would effectively hinder my career anyway. Dh travels a lot but can choose to stay in U.K. for summer.

Summer I think we can manage, ideally I wouldn't want her at camps for the whole summer holidays, seems a bit mean. The shorter holidays would be ok as the schools normally cover those and the longer ones we can cover with annual leave.

One of my dc is a boarder at a state boarding school - dh and I both boarded at trad public schools, but wouldn't have chosen that route for our dc, who were at mainstream comprehensives. Until we had to move house and area for job reasons when youngest dc was about to go into Y9, and we all really liked the boarding option attached to the local state school in our new area.

The school is about 50% boarding (used to be more) and there's a big social mix among parents of boarders: lots of local-ish farming families who live so rurally they would have a long journey to school as a day student; quite a few African families who see it as a prestige option (although you need to be an EU citizen to qualify for a state boarding place); plenty of familes with complicated work arrangements who find boarding works for them. There are some posh families who use it as a cheap alternative to public school, but tbh not that many, as it doesn't have the prestige that a 'proper' boarding school would have, for people who care about that kind of thing. And reading between the lines there do seem to be a few students who have been placed there because other options have broken down for them - I don't know if LAs are paying fees as an alternative to taking them into care, but it seems entirely possible.

It does have some of the trappings of a trad public school - my other dc take the piss when youngest talks about 'matron' and 'prep' , but it's not stuffy at all. Overall it's an interesting and buzzy mix, and my dc has really benefited from the boarding aspect, although we wouldn't have sought it out if it hadn't happened to fit our circumstances.

Boarding fees are about £12k a year all in, as others have said the actual education part is state-funded. If you look up State boarding Schools Association you should get a list of all the UK state schools that have a boarding element. Do your homework though, as some school have just a very few boarders, whereas for others it's a much larger part of the cohort. You are supposed to demonstrate a 'boarding need', but IME this is interpreted pretty generously - most schools are not oversubscribed for the boarding element. Also note that you generally can't convert a boarding place to a day one, to avoid people using it as a sneaky route in.

I agree with redsheep. If you can afford boarding fees you are not 'normal'.

The only state boarding school I know had a horrendous Ofsted and a bad bullying problem.

England has one of the most unequal schooling systems in all of Europe.

I was away from England for many years. I went back this year, and I met a new friend through a club. We went for a coffee.

He spent most of our time together telling me what school he went to, and how important it was to get into the right school. And what uni he went to , and how important it was to get into the right university.

I said "but who cares what school or university you went to, I certainly don't care". I said it in a nicer way than that, but I was trying to point out the absolute abusurdity - of discrimination - based on what school they went to.

Also, I was teaching in a job abroad, there was a big international range of teachers. The first drink that we went for - the two other English teachers immediately started talking about school they went to. Independant versus private .

Everyone else looked after them strangely like "why would you talk about that in your thirties". No one else talked about or cared about what school they went to.

The English school system needs a radical overhaul. It is a strange system

If you can’t manage 8-6 then you need back up childcare which is cheaper than 30K.
Also, she will be 13. Surely she can spend some time at home on her own before you return?
This seems to me a financial question right? You want to send her to an independent prep. To afford the fees you have to work. What’s most convenient for work is that DD boards.
Does she fully grasp what boarding means? Not just a jolly with her mates but hours and days away from her parents. I am an only child, I was very capable and self sufficient like a lot of only children. But the loneliness I felt at University was something else (to begin with). And I really felt, for the first time, the lack of a sibling. DD’s friends will have their siblings in their low moments.
I mean I think what I am saying is that the financial question should come last to everything else no? Would it suit her? What would happen if she was unbearably lonely? Is it emotionally (and educationally) the best thing for her?

So if you think ‘this is what is best for my daughter’ then to some extent screw the other parents and their fancy cars right? You are then doing it for a different goal.
But if it’s for your career, then that seems like a drastic solution. I mean between the ages of 13-18 she isn’t going to need extensive childcare in the evenings, is she?
And surely the 27K nanny would be cheaper than the 30K PLUS everything else school? And supervising homework and music practice- well she would be 13 and at boarding school so would be doing those things most independently so your nanny at home wouldn’t need to supervise those right?
I think I am trying to tease out why both financially and educationally/emotionally it is better to board than just a day prep with a nanny.

Ha ha. God forbid people should be proud of their school and enjoyed it. Sorry you felt left out angell84 but the state education system in the UK is a hell of a lot better than it is in many other countries. And they have private schools in most other European countries by the way.

I think I am trying to tease out why both financially and educationally/emotionally it is better to board than just a day prep with a nanny

Less lonely in the evenings and at weekends?

If you want your daughter to go to boarding school because you want to carry on with your life as if you don’t have children, then it’s fine to admit to that. People may not agree with you but it will stop all the comments demonstrating how you can still work and you’re child go to a state or private day school as a huge number provide their own before and after school clubs that mean children can be dropped off from 07:00ish and collected from 18:00. If you just wanted to return to a career there is no reason why that combined, if needed, with an au pair or similar wouldn’t be just as good a solution.

Mine is a boarder but we only pay a small amount towards fees, the government pay the majority.
There are all sorts of different schools that offer boarding, both private and state. This one is for gifted, and places on ability rather than ability to pay.
There is so much diversity, kids from all over the world and from all income brackets from the Russian Oligarch to sink estate.
You wouldn't know who was rich or poor when they all come together.
Do your homework and I'm sure you'll find somewhere.

Why don’t you want your child to live with you?

Less lonely? Than at boarding school? I don’t know. What if she isn’t less lonely? But in fact far more lonely? Company and friends isn’t what makes one more or less lonely. It’s comfort, familiarity esp in the critical teenage years.

And in the weekends she would have her parents and her day school friends? Like the vast majority of only children? (Like me!)

I started a thread last year about state boarding, hang on.

Discussion on this from Aug 2018

Why don’t you want your child to live with you?

Oh for heaven's sake. This isn't a 6yo we're talking about, it's a parent looking ahead to the teenage years. Boarding is one of the possible solutions to a logistically tricky work/life situation. Nobody's saying it's the only or the best solution, but it may be better than a situation where a child/teen is home alone from 3.30 to 7.30 or 8pm when a parent gets home.

My youngest chose to board at the point where his other siblings had all left home - the boarding option avoided him needing to move schools in the run-up to GCSEs, and also mitigated some of the loss he was feeling at being the only child still left at home. The social side of boarding school was a definite bonus, and the steep learning curve of learning to live with people who you would not necessarily choose as friends was actually a very useful boost to his social skills.

For us Monday-Friday weekly boarding has worked well, and had considerable advantages over the day options, which is why we chose it. Dc is now considering the local day options for 6th form, which is an entirely different ballgame again.

Not wanting him to live with us was never part of the equation - that's just a nasty dig at someone who is considering all the options available to them.

My youngest chose to board at the point where his other siblings had all left home - the boarding option avoided him needing to move schools in the run-up to GCSEs, and also mitigated some of the loss he was feeling at being the only child still left at home

My youngest has already asked to board in 2 years when both of her siblings will have left home. If she still wants to and we can afford it we will definitely do it. (She's a day girl at a boarding school)

But the child would be in school till 6 as per the OP. So not long hours spent at home.
AND is not weekly boarding. And as an only child anyway is used to not having a full house in the evening.
This is why I was pushing the OP to articulate why choose boarding. Because there is a reasonably easy solution to her work/life balance question which is better financially as well. So it isn’t clear to me why the OP is so hell bent on boarding for her child. And if it’s because it’s ‘best for her child in every possible way’ then how does it matter what car the OP drives or whether they are better dressed than the other parents? As I said, then the goalposts are different.