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Original poster

Grammar or Private School for Oxbridge

178 replies

londonmummy4 · 09/04/2019 22:38

I wonder if you lovely ladies or gentleman can help me in my dilemma. My DS has won a place at a very amazing grammar school and a top private school. It is driving me crazy because everyone has an opinion on what we should do. We have no endless trust fund to help our 4 kids and who knows what the political landscape will be in the future. I'm inclined to go with the private school because I never went to one and I think it will be an amazing opportunity. But I am being told by various people that to get into Oxbridge in 5 or 7 years time for the private school students it will be a lot harder. I don't want to play that game. I don't care about Oxbridge. I think the journey and end result will be better at private school for our kids. Am I wrong in thinking this?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2019 14:20

Weigh up the individual schools as well as your circumstances
We chose a Private over Grammar for a couple of reasons, main one being distance

Taffeta · 10/04/2019 14:21

Having attended a state primary with children from disadvantage backgrounds he feels he has the ability to connect with anyone and everyone.

This made me Hmm

Really? He rubbed shoulders with a few disadvantaged kids when he was 11? Not sure how that sets him up to connect with them, on any level.

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2019 14:22

Sorry pressed too soon
Dd probably is oxbridge material but says she fancies Manchester so it’s a good job we didn’t pick a school just based on that!

Bowchicawowow · 10/04/2019 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AlaskanOilBaron · 10/04/2019 16:30

Have you mentioned which top private school it is?

I have to admit I find it a bit weird when people sent some of their children state and others privately (barring exceptional circumstances e.g a learning disability or the state being an outstanding grammar, or similar). This does seem to set them on pretty different courses.

If your husband's not on board, then don't do it. I'd go with the grammar.

suedebottom · 10/04/2019 16:46

Private is not always best. Teachers do not require such high qualifications to teach in private schools. My niece went to a private school and found that there was less choice. If I had the choice, I would choose a grammar school such as Tiffin Girls' School or Tiffin Boys' School. I have heard of two people who started at private school then had to leave when their parents' income changed. Who would want that to happen to them? Class size, discipline and results are very important. What is so important to many children is to do what their best friend is doing.

Weepingwillow5 · 10/04/2019 16:50

Move back into state sector for A levels maybe ?

BertrandRussell · 10/04/2019 16:56

“Move back into state sector for A levels maybe ?“

sue51 · 10/04/2019 16:56

Aren't university admissions tutors onto that Weepingwillow5. Private all the way then 2 years at a low performing comprehensive would not get your child a contextual offer.

GrammerlyH · 10/04/2019 16:56

@taffeta

It is depressingly predictable that threads like this, where the OP was asking for genuine advice, always turn into the private vs state debate and all the same old bashing and judging that goes with it.

Every child has access to the state system and lots of families who have the means to go private, choose not to - maybe they are morally against it, maybe they are lucky (or wealthy!) enough to live in the catchment of a great state secondary, maybe they went to a certain state school themselves and want to recreate that for their own children. Who knows. But the suggestion that if you can afford to go private, then you absolutely should for moral reasons, is wrong on so many levels. The OP is not selfish for asking the question she is asking. Fortunate, yes - but not selfish.

We all need to be kinder to each other, especially when we don’t know each other’s circumstances. Since when did asking a question need to lead to such vitriol? If you don’t have anything nice or helpful to say, just don’t say it!

Confusedbeetle · 10/04/2019 17:04

Never mind university, your child needs to be at a school where he will be happy. He also need not to have more privilege than the other three. We privately educated 4. The girls had a happy experience , the boys not. Some private schools are too elitist. I dont think I would do it again. Especially if I had a choice of a good grammar

Taffeta · 10/04/2019 17:07

I'm not inclined to be nice to people holding onto state places when they intend to go private. I'm genuinely pleased to hear the OP doesn't intend to do this.

I know many people IRL who have been adversely affected by selfish people hanging onto state places. I know one who held onto a place until September, which is just awful.

It's a real issue, often quashed by the moneyed as whingeing.

MimiDul · 10/04/2019 17:10

Hear! Hear! And most posters don't seem to have read the original post. Her question was top private school vs top grammar for her DS. She alluded to Oxbridge because unlike some parents who lie about it, what she is saying is "I intend to do the absolute best for my child regardless of what it takes." What's wrong with OP wanting the best education and opportunities for her son? Isn't that the point of being a parent, to ensure that you've done the best?
And OP is entitled to sit on as many offers as her DS has been granted until it jolly well suits her regardless of whether or not she is a tax payer. It is a right regarded her by the government of HM Elizabeth II and you can't take that away from her.

BertrandRussell · 10/04/2019 17:13

The idea of someone who can afford 4 sets of school fees thinking of ways to game a system designed to help children from disadvantaged backgrounds is singularly distasteful.....

MimiDul · 10/04/2019 17:17

I am sorry Bertrand but how has she gamed the system? Her DS has 2 offers - they'll eventually relinquish 1 and that space will be taken by another child. She just wants to make sure she makes the right decision for that particular child. I, as a mother, see nothing wrong with that. People are so quick to be offended these days. Its become yawn.

MariaNovella · 10/04/2019 17:19

It’s not gaming the system. The system is entirely neutral about the OP’s dilemma. If posters have value judgements, that is their issue.

Taffeta · 10/04/2019 17:22

eventually relinquish

That's the problem

Selfish.

What about the child that is on the waiting list, desperate to go there, with a sink school as an alternative? They've bought the uniform (breaking the bank in the process perhaps), been to induction, and resigned themselves to the crap school. Let's say it's July.

Then Mrs Private decides to relinquish the place. By which time the school has had to let 10 kids in on appeal, placing it over its PAN.

No chance for the kid on the waiting list by then.

That's the problem.

BertrandRussell · 10/04/2019 17:24

She, and others, were talking about the possibility of contextual offers......

mrsmuddlepies · 10/04/2019 17:25

Just seen that a poster asked why a summer school student offered a place at an Oxford College turned them down. He wanted to read Business Studies (and chose a well respected red brick unit.

MimiDul · 10/04/2019 17:30

Maria, for many posters here I don't think it is a value judgment but more envy. I think some people are just jealous of those who can afford private education. Most of us know deep down that a private education gives a person an advantage. E.g. private school children play sports that children in the state sector don't even know exist. And in the media, it is seen as giving a child an unfair advantage. But the majority of families who have their DCs in private school are just in the middle, robbing Paul to pay Peter, making sacrifices for the sake of giving their DCs better, an advantage for their future.

GrammerlyH · 10/04/2019 17:31

@taffeta

I hear what you are saying, but what gives you the right to judge every individual situation and decree that everyone who has two offers and is considering private education as one of them is ‘selfish’. It’s just ludicrous. The OP is asking for advice because she wants to make her mind up, rather than waiting and hanging onto both places. What, exactly, is wrong with that?

People need to stop judging others so quickly, the world would be a happier place.

BertrandRussell · 10/04/2019 17:34

All my favourite things in that post. “Making sacrifices” to pay for private education, anybody who objects is jealous........

Taffeta · 10/04/2019 17:36

I'm trying to make the point to all those reading this, of the impact of holding onto state places beyond a reasonably acceptable time ie into May/appeal season.

Because the society we live in seems to be all about freedom for the individual and very little thought given to the impact to others.

Many people hang onto state places when they fully intend to go private and either don't know or perhaps don't care about the consequences of their actions.

TheFirstOHN · 10/04/2019 17:37

Neither Oxford not Cambridge make contextual offers. They use certain contextual data to invite extra applicants to interview who might not otherwise receive an interview. If the applicant is successful in receiving a conditional offer, this will be the same offer as other successful applicants receive. This process is explained in detail (including which measures are taken into account) on each university's website.

mrsmuddlepies · 10/04/2019 17:37

As I understand it, there is a problem with Oxbridge Classics. They mostly have to draw on independent schools for applicants. It is much easier to get a place to read Classics compared to Natural Sciences.
Colleges are offering all kinds of summer school incentives to attract state school students to read Classics. The number of independent students reading Classics is out of proportion compared to the increasing number of state school students reading other subjects.
My youngest, not highly academic, at school, did a summer school (not for classics). They wrote afterwards and asked him to apply and were hugely encouraging about making him a lowish (for Oxbridge) offer. He still managed a first (stealth boast).