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Original poster

DS was the only child in his class who didn't go to grammar/get a scholarship :(

141 replies

KnifesHope · 16/09/2016 14:45

DS is doing okay at his new school (state secondary) but feels a bit crap that he was the only one who didn't get a 'better' offer.

There were 15 children in his prep school, 8 went to grammar schools and 6 received scholarships.

The other years, there were normally at least a couple of children who went to a state school/paid to go privately again. I can't believe how many got places!

Oh well, just feel bad for DS :(

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 17/09/2016 17:36

He plays 4 sports competitively and 2 instruments? Sounds like he is excellent at handling pressure and managing his time. And he is bright? Not sure WTF the prep school were thinking.

mathsmum314 · 17/09/2016 18:40

Sorry KnifesHope I misunderstood, I thought it was you who felt bad, obviously its your son who does. Hopefully time will give him more perspective. I know how hard it can be to persuade a DS something was for the best.

portico · 17/09/2016 20:40

MaybeDoctor. My son as in state primary till end of Y4. At beginning of Y5, he moved to a prep school, fir geographical reasons as his elder brother started grammar school. To cut a long story short, I knew the prep was average but my partner wanted that school. The prep only prepared for easy run of the mill private schools. I took charge of my son's learning, withdrew him from homework and focussed on preparing for grammar school. If I left it to the prep school he would not have been successful. I think the OP and partner fucked up here by leaving everything to the school and not challenging them, more tellingly she was a passive parent. Let's be honest, going to a comp after 4-7 years of private primary/junior school is a poor showing. The son could have gotten into grammar school. I know as my son was illiterate and innumerate in year 4. Careful and focussed supplementary work at home would have gotten any child into grammar school.

user1474133568 · 17/09/2016 20:59

In all fairness, it doesn't sound like it's the school's fault. I don't know why fault needs to be put on anyone.

I think the school seems to have done very well. The whole class seems to have gone to amazing schools. I assume the school were looking out for the OP's DS. He's also in an Outstanding school, with all his music lessons paid for - it sounds great!

Good luck to your son. I'm sure he will begin to realise he's in a great school. I suppose to him, he just seems like he got the worst deal, but he got the best school for him, as I'm sure the other children did Smile

WomensNet · 17/09/2016 21:30

OP must be so frustrated by now and wondering why on earth she bothered. Her child has a DIAGNOSIS OF ANXIETY! Therefore preparing for and being coping at grammar school was no longer feasible. It's nothing to do with the child's academic ability but his mental health. Nothing to do with the school or OP failing her DS, the choice was taken out of their hands. That's just life.

A medical diagnosis of anxiety is a serious illness.

mathsmum314 · 17/09/2016 21:34

portico, "my son was illiterate and innumerate in year 4",
which makes you a shit parent. There is nothing wrong
with going to a comp, your just an elitist idiot.

It sounds like the Prep school has done the RIGHT thing for op
by helping put DC in a school that gives him an advantage.

Sounds like you ( portico ) have tutored your DC to death to get
them into schools that are not suited to their abilities and have
probably condemned them to a life time of misery. God help them.

MaybeDoctor · 17/09/2016 21:38

Portico, you clearly worked very hard to support your son in his specific circumstances, but to call the OP a 'passive parent' is a bit much. She is obviously involved in his education and looking out for him, but perhaps just feeling a bit wistful that things didn't work out differently.

I actually think that it is a good sign that the prep did not enter him for the 11+, given his anxiety disorder. It shows that they were considering what was best for him rather than a 'one size fits all' approach.

portico · 17/09/2016 21:45

Mathsmum314. What fucking planet are you on. The prep school decided the boy was not grammar material. End of case as far as they are concerned. Prep school have probably taken minimum 8k a year. How exactly have they added value to the boy. What about the parents, no intervention on the boy's behalf. I am not elitist when I say any child can get into grammar school. I am a realist when I say spending a few thousand pounds a year in prep is a waste when the child eventually enters a comp, as that child could have trodden the route fro state primary for free.

user1474133568 · 17/09/2016 21:48

Portico, have you read the thread? The state school he was offered, was absolutely appalling. There's no doubt he probably wouldn't have thrived there. I know schools like what the OP described, no one does well.

The point was, why should have OP intervened? Grammar school wouldn't be right for a child with anxiety disorder.

portico · 17/09/2016 21:48

MaybeDoctor. I am thinking of the boy and how he feels. He has seen his prep school cohort move on, when he could have done with better support. And I do feel for the OP. But I feel a lot sympathy for get son.

portico · 17/09/2016 21:50

Apologies for typos:

MaybeDoctor. I am thinking of the boy and how he feels. He has seen his prep school cohort move on, when he could have done with better support. And I do feel for the OP. But I feel a lot sympathy for her son.

WomensNet · 17/09/2016 22:13

User I don't think Portico can read.

OP please ignore. DS will understand why you had to take the decision you did as he grows older. You and the prep made the right call. Mental healh trumps any fancy school.

mathsmum314 · 17/09/2016 22:26

portico, I asked the same question of you when I read your post. The prep school decided the boy was better suited in a comprehensive school and yet you suggest they should have lied?

"How exactly have they added value to the boy" Probably in numerous ways, but I cant answer that as I am not the op. Why do you declare they haven't?

"What about the parents, no intervention on the boy's behalf" Don't see any reason why intervention is needed, why do you think it is?

You say your children were illiterate in Y4, so I am suggesting you are a crappy parent. I am suggesting it is elitist that children should get into grammar school just because their elitist parent throws money at it, irrespective of whether or not is is the best school for their children.

Why is it wrong to go to a prep school and then a comp, your implying there is something inferior about a comprehensive school without any evidence that this is true. Hence I suggest your a snob.

portico · 17/09/2016 23:13

Maybe, I am a crappy parent, mathsmum314, but I did make amends with second son in the nick of time. Both are flourishing at grammar school, but I certainly would not be pushing the school to move them a year, or so, up. I don't think comes are bad, I think 10 per cent are really good, but sadly not in my local catchment.

Canyouforgiveher · 17/09/2016 23:20

I am a realist when I say spending a few thousand pounds a year in prep is a waste when the child eventually enters a comp, as that child could have trodden the route fro state primary for free.

So education is all a race to some far off goal that will magically confer money and status on your children?

My children have been in state and private education - mostly private. At no point did I pick a private school because of where it would bring my children. We picked each school because of the experience it would give our children right then.

Careful and focussed supplementary work at home would have gotten any child into grammar school.

As for this! Do you understand how grammar schools work? Can you comprehend that children exist who are not in the to 30 percent intellectually. Did you fail maths?

How exactly have they added value to the boy.

You don't "add value" to human beings. This says everything about your attitude to education.

portico · 17/09/2016 23:24

You don't "add value" to human beings. This says everything about your attitude to education.

I call it meritocracy

Canyouforgiveher · 17/09/2016 23:25

Yes, I'm sure you do.

portico · 17/09/2016 23:31

My children have been in state and private education - mostly private. At no point did I pick a private school because of where it would bring my children. We picked each school because of the experience it would give our children right then.

Are you sure, really?!

StellaX · 17/09/2016 23:36

Portico, why are you so bitter about private education?

multivac · 17/09/2016 23:38

Have you read Michael Young, portico?

portico · 17/09/2016 23:39

I am not. I think it's great. But, I believe most people who seek it do it to give there children something that they feel they may not receive from the state sector. To me it is an investment. All investments require a payback.

StellaX · 17/09/2016 23:41

But why are you saying the OP has lost out then? The OP's son probably wouldn't have been in the position he is in today, if he went to that shitty state school that she spoke about. Surely it's just about picking a school where your child would be most happy? He wouldn't have been happy in a grammar school, so why does it matter?

portico · 17/09/2016 23:45

I have heard of him, and I know he coined the term. He was also the so Nd so who influenced anti grammar dogma in Anthony Crosland and Shirley Williams.

Canyouforgiveher · 17/09/2016 23:51

*My children have been in state and private education - mostly private. At no point did I pick a private school because of where it would bring my children. We picked each school because of the experience it would give our children right then.

Are you sure, really?!*

Yes I am positive. My third child would be more likely to get into a school like Harvard or Tufts etc if she was graduating from her local public high school - because we are in a transitioning blue collar town. I chose to give her the experience of 4 years in a school where she will get smaller class sizes, sports, and arts. It is a luxury I am lucky to be able to pay for.

She might do better in the long run - as in "the meritocracy" if I put her in her local public school. But I want her to be educated - as well as we can afford. I don't want to "add value" to her.

portico · 17/09/2016 23:55

She might do better in the long run - as in "the meritocracy" if I put her in her local public school. But I want her to be educated - as well as we can afford. I don't want to "add value" to her.

It's one and the same thing!!!