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Original poster

DS was the only child in his class who didn't go to grammar/get a scholarship :(

141 replies

KnifesHope · 16/09/2016 14:45

DS is doing okay at his new school (state secondary) but feels a bit crap that he was the only one who didn't get a 'better' offer.

There were 15 children in his prep school, 8 went to grammar schools and 6 received scholarships.

The other years, there were normally at least a couple of children who went to a state school/paid to go privately again. I can't believe how many got places!

Oh well, just feel bad for DS :(

OP posts:
Alfieisnoisy · 16/09/2016 17:43

Bless him, anxiety is horrible.

My advice would be to really praise his achievements (am sure you do anyway) but lots and lots of reassurance.
Anxiety is a beast to deal with and it's great his current school has recognised it and are addressing it.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong...you probably cannot do more than you already have.

Asuitablemum · 16/09/2016 23:22

I would just make a real effort to instill in your son that he is bright, academic and brainy. Without being too obvious! Easier said than done I'm sure. I bet he'll be very happy and successful where he is but the one risk is that he loses confident in himself over this. I agree that grammar probably wouldn't be right if he suffers anxiety at school.

Original poster
KnifesHope · 17/09/2016 00:12

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
mrz · 17/09/2016 07:51

"They have :) he plays 4 sports that he now competes in, he can play 2 instruments, he received Level 6 SATs results"
There weren't any level 6 SATs this year Hmm

Not sure why he wouldn't be able to play and compete in 4 sports (or more) or learn to play a number of instruments without the fees ...sorry.

mrz · 17/09/2016 07:53

"Yes, but they can be converted, roughly" not sure who told you that but it's simply not true

mrz · 17/09/2016 07:54

"There was extra questions which were the equivalent to the extra level 6 paper you used to get" no there weren't everyone had exactly the same questions ...no extras

Bryt · 17/09/2016 07:58

It sounds like he is at a really good secondary school and that's all that counts. It sounds like you know that and just have to keep being positive and convince your son that he didn't lose out. Make sure he knows he is probably bright enough for a selective school. Some of the girls at my dd's Independent Secondary who went to prep schools and got scholarships are now struggling in Year 8/9.

mrz · 17/09/2016 08:05

I'm sorry your son has been disappointed but as others have said you need to be positive about his new school. It's probably easier to explain because his peers have moved to a number of schools rather than him being the only one

Middleoftheroad · 17/09/2016 08:07

Hi OP. It sounds like you are doing ethg to support your son. The fact he's at an outstanding school is a great start.

I see why you took the SATs - to have athg on paper as your inde didn't do SATs. Sounds like he also took old style SAtS. Though that's not the point. The point is you have a child with anxiey issues who.iscthe only one to have not gone to grammar and are worried about the change. I'm sure he will flourish. Hopefully the school has a great guidance and pastoral care too.

Please dont be hard on yourself - you have done all you can to ensure your son is happy and it sounds like this will be a good school for him.

PosiePootlePerkins · 17/09/2016 08:13

Bit amazed at all the hostility towards OP. My DS had awful anxiety in Yr 5 - in a state school! - he is now in Yr 8 at a large Senior School and much better, but it was an awful time for all of us. And quite frankly if I could have put him in a smaller supportive class environment at that time I would have done.
OP don't listen to all the bitter MNers. You have clearly put your DS needs first. Starting Senior School is a huge step for most children, and takes a while for them to settle in. Encourage him to join in with sports activities etc, or other interests, and in time he'll be fine.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 17/09/2016 08:25

OP it sounds like your ds has had a fab start in the prep school and it sounds like he's at a good school for him.
Just keep being positive and give it time.

Wotsy · 17/09/2016 08:41

OP, That's a shame he has ended up as the only one but I'm sure he will put it to the back of his mind soon enough. It might even encourage him to work extra hard to prove he has done ok.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 17/09/2016 08:55

I do also think, in the nicest possible way, if he is feeling sorry for himself he needs to be encouraged to get a grip.
I don't mean about the anxiety, because obviously that's far bigger and more complex, but he needs to stop bemoaning the fact that he hasn't won a scholarship and appreciate the fact that he is now incredibly privileged to be at an outstanding school - most kids in England don't get that chance, never mind all the kids in the rest of the world who don't get proper schooling at all.
He has this opportunity, it's up to him what he makes of it.

portico · 17/09/2016 09:29

Knifeshop - my heart goes out to your son. Personally, I think your prep school investment was a monumental mistake, as I expect the expectation is to send prep school children to selective state/private secondaries. The school should not have determined that your soon was not suitable for 11 plus classes. Besides, as a paying customer you should have demanded they put him in the after school classes. This is a reminder to parents in any school to actively make the case for their children. Personally, I think it was a futile exercise sending him to prep, if he ends up at a comprehensive. State primary would have been the better starting point.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 17/09/2016 09:36

Not if the only state primary you can send him to is terrible though!
A lovely, wonderful state primary might well have been the better option but that's not the choice the op had.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/09/2016 10:36

OP, having a card he can use when he wants to leave the classroom is all well and good but is he getting any actual support?

Anxiety in children has increased hugely in the jast few years and there are many excellent therapies to help children manage their anxiety by change their thinking, such as CBT. Has he been referred to the school's primary mental health worker - if they have one?

Original poster
KnifesHope · 17/09/2016 13:20

Mrz, I did already answer that. Not extra questions for certain people, but there were questions that were aimed at the children with more ability, and they were aimed at the children who would have previously been able to do the level 6 paper.

Also, maybe he could have been competing in 3 sports/play 2 instruments, but I doubt it. We just wouldn't have had time to fit everything in after school. Also, what school would I have sent him to? I already explained what our state option was.

Sub - he is under CAMHS, we are still waiting for CBT, he is on the waiting list for it :)

OP posts:
Original poster
KnifesHope · 17/09/2016 13:20

*4

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 17/09/2016 13:45

That's great he's open to CAMHS. I hope they're working with the school to give him / them strategies. He will probably always be anxious but it's amazing how well anxiety can be managed these days with the right support.

mrz · 17/09/2016 14:55

Simply untrue OP

Propertyquandry · 17/09/2016 16:09

mrz, whilst many good state primary schools offer a reasonable amount of sport and music it can rarely compete with what's on offer at a large independent school. Plus, the massive advantage for me has been that my DSs have done all their instruments and various dports within school time meaning no ferrying around after school or across the weekend to piano and flute. Although still an 8amstart for rugby in Sunday mornings.

mrz · 17/09/2016 16:33

I'm not disagreeing

MaybeDoctor · 17/09/2016 16:36

I think it is very unfair to now critique the OP's decision to send him to a prep - she made the decision over seven years ago, so to describe it as a 'monumental mistake' is rather unhelpful. Besides, she seems pretty happy with the provision he received there and very unhappy with the alternatives on offer at the time of making that decision.

He is just having to adjust his expectations a little, that is all.

mathsmum314 · 17/09/2016 17:23

Shouldn't you be glad he is in a good school and not stressed and struggling in a grammar?

Original poster
KnifesHope · 17/09/2016 17:34

Yes, maths I am. Not sure where I have said I'm not? He is the one who isn't seeing the benefits of that yet.

Thanks Maybe and Property

OP posts: