New. At boarding prep school

[Willsoonbesummer]

My 8 year old has just started full boarding at prep school.The feed back has been so negative so far from the school.He is not organised enough etc.Now we feel we have made a mistake and not sure what to do.Any advise from mums who have been through this type of school would be very much appreaciated.

All your posts OP seem to be about which prep school to use. What about just bringing him home, and then worrying about a school later. Show him he's more important to you than what he may "become" in the future.

What would your husband say if you told him you wanted to bring your son out?

This thread is so sad.

Seriously, don't even think about sending him to another boarding prep school. It would be so unfair to him on every level.

And by that I don't mean leave him where he is. The fact that he's sobbing uncontrollably about it tells you all you need to know.

My dh went to board at 13, he was very excited and it was his decision. But he now says he didn't have the faintest idea what he was really deciding, he just wasnt mature enough to be making that kind of decision. Your son is 8. There is no way his enthusiasm or otherwise for going has the slightest relevance here. No matter how bright (and my dh was/is, exceptionally so) at 8 he is not equipped to decide that living away from family half way around the world is a good idea. What is this all for? So he can be a rich, miserable banker or doctor? He could be a rich, happy banker or doctor (or whatever else he wants to be!) if you brought him home to thrive at the excellent local day school he used to attend! I find the thought process here both mystifying and alarming.

Incidentally, I was at Oxbridge in one capacity or another for 15 years. I only ever met one student who boarded from 8. She was emotionally very damaged by it and finds it hard to forgive her parents. As for everyone else? Sleeping in their own beds until at least secondary school! This is not 1950!

My child goes to an independent British school outside the UK (we're outside the UK). It's a day school and decently good. As an idea, they only have him from 8.30am to 3pm Mon to Fri. Any emails are answered that day (assuming you're not inundating the teacher everyday!). The pastoral care is excellent. They never say negative things about the children. They talk about areas they can improve of course, but not in front of the children and in a very supportive way.

Your son, your lovely little boy, is not being taken care of emotionally half as well as mine is, and mine doesn't live at school, thousands of miles away.

I'm wondering if you have been sold a "jolly hockey sticks" idea about boarding school in the UK and that it's the "done thing". Even if it is (and as others have said, it's neither the done thing nor necessary) think about it for yourself: what is more important than an 8 year old's happiness?!

You clearly want he best for him. It seems you're completely under estimating what YOU give him at this age.

My DF was a boarder from an early age and it broke him. My best friend was a boarder (started a bit later though) and she loved it (although she was the only one of her friends not to develop an eating disorder..which resulted in being thrown out of the school, to make sure the school could say they didn't have children with eating disorders) and I always wanted to go to boarding school as a teenager. So I'm not totally against it per se, but if a child is eager to please parents and the school is pushing a "we're all happy here" ideology (they all seem to) then you will likely stop hearing of your son's distress. It doesn't mean he's happy though. At age 8, it's not him who is responsible for his happiness.

Your son does not need to be at a UK boarding prep school to get into a public senior school. Please bring him home as soon as you can - it sounds miserable. My two DC have both attended public senior boarding schools but it was on the basis that they were only an hour or so away from home so that we could easily attend matches, concerts, etc. You have great schools in NY and I would send him to one of those. Not only will he be with his family but also he will then establish and maintained a good friendship group close by.

I was an overseas boarder and hated it with a passion. My parents just ignored how I felt. I loathed the fact that I was so far away from my home but it was also difficult in the long holidays as my friends were not close by.

He's 8, he's miserable and the staff have nothing nice to say then ignore your message. Go get you son.

Please take on board the dominant feedback in this thread. Only ONE poster has said this is a good idea and she basically has a retrograde idea that boys have to do what boys have to do - ie their financial/academic success comes at the price of their emotional development. She seems to be cheering on the creation of those emotionally stunted men who boarded from 8yo that I now see divorcing in their 30s and 40s, with depression, alcohol problems, one with a coke habit, and a pervading sense of their place being in an office and having little or no meaningful relationship with their children. Ok, I'm talking a sample size of 6 people I know who boarded from 8yo, so not exactly a scientific study, but 6/6 have had significantly damaged lives and/or damaged their relationships with their wives and kids.

Everyone else has given variations of a theme:

1. Boarding can be good for the older child who desires it (11 or 13+)
2. English boarding schools are good at doing a step ford wives style 'happy front' whilst masking issues about pastoral care
3. Massive difference in emotional impact between 8 year old who spends a few nights a week staying at school as parents are working late etc, versus sending your child overseas and not seeing them for weeks at a time
4. The majority of 8yo are not mature enough to organise themselves. Those who are have to grow up very quickly and often find it stressful
5. YOU DON'T NEED AN ENGLISH PREP FEEDER TO GET INTO A BRITISH BOARDING SCHOOL! Not even one of the really posh ones.

And, as implied by your post, the academic credentials of your ds's U.S. School were greater than the UK one.

This is pure madness. Your actual job, as a parent of an under 11, is to make them happy and confident, secure in their love of their parents. Once they hit senior school (11+), then worry about testing their strength, independence, resilience, adaptability, etc. right now, you should be building those things up by looking after and nurturing him properly at home.

By the way, I'm not advocating that 11 is some kind of magic age, but that entry into senior school is a time for growth/maturing in a very different way to that of the primary years.

I was an overseas boarder from the age of 8, and although it wasn't perfect it was essentially fine. But the reason why it was fine was that I knew beyond question that the reasons why my DPs had sent me away were really good ones. (DPs were in a city with no English speaking schools where I had no realistic chance of learning the language in the time available and were then going to move country at 2 year intervals including midway through my O and A levels. I was clearly unable to cope with frequent moves.)

In your situation I'd ask the GPs for investigation and an honest opinion and I'd very seriously consider bringing DS home.

Hi OP my DS2 boarded full boarded from 7, although we were only 30 mins away and I was at the school two-three times a week watching matches etc. Nearly 11 years later he's now in his final year of senior school (boys full boarding) and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship between him and my DH or myself. In fact many comment on what a close family we are. But I do think your DS may be a little young to full board in another country. I agree with what others have said plenty will get into top boys boarding school at 13+ having never full boarded and from outside of the U.K. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it but at the very least to make it work for both of you your DS needs to be in an environment of genuine warmth care tolerance and understanding.
I haven't read all the comment but I am a surprised by what you said, you say all the feedback has been "so negative" and that he's not organised etc, you also say he's just started, I feel the school are being very unreasonable, 1. He's he's only 8, 8 yr old are not know for being the most organised in the world, it's all new to him, and 2. it must be a big culture shock for him changing to a school in the UK, and starting boarding. When by DS started they had games every day, they had to change out of school uniform into sports kits track suits ec and rugby/football boots or swimming trunks, they had to be wearing the right kit for the right sport it's a lot to take in but they had five or six staff helping them (13 kids max) he had to go to the music dept for music science block for science art dept for art again staff were there ensuring they had the right books or lab coat etc pencils etc. At this age they need lots of help and support to organise themselves the school should not be giving you or him any kind of negative feed back at this very early stage.
Talk honestly to the school, voice your concerns, say you think they're being unreasonable and expecting too much at such an a young age and early stage in his life at the school and gauge their response. From this decide whether or not this is a goer for you both or not.

This is just making me tear up. WTF are you thinking? Surely sharing your child's day to day life is more important?

Willsoonbesummer the last three posters give a more balanced view of the situation.
There are two points: 1) has this prep school turned out to be less caring than you thought and therefore unlikely to be good enough for your son? Suggestions as above for GPs and you to do some more detective work but our first impressions from what you have said are not good (many of us have DCs boarding).
2) should you withdraw your DS then another prep school may be better (although still a risk after he has had one bad experience) but from collective experience here prep school boarding at 8 is not needed in your situation to give your DS the best chance for top UK boarding school pretests or a better life or future. That is assuming that there is no other reason from your home life that you are not telling us.

If your DS is an only DC, feels the pressure of NY schooling and yearns for playing in the countryside and friends then I can see some rationale for pursuing the option of boarding. Otherwise keep him where he is happy, progressing academically and has the added benefit of you. The pretests at these top UK boarding schools are pretty good at selecting a DC who will get the most out of a boarding school environment and don't favour previous boarders because many have n't by that age. Even if there is a very marginal advantage then it will be achieved by starting at a UK boarding prep at year 6.

The last three posters before primalLass although her point is also rather valid at your DS's age.

I am a teacher. The fact that the school has not immediately replied to your emails would rimg alarm bells for me. I would always reply within a day to something important.

As previous posters have says, it is very unusual in the UK to send an eight year old to full board.

When your son is older and asks you why you sent him to school abroad at such a young age what are you going to say? Will you seriously expect him to believe that there was no school in the whole of NY that was suitanle for him?

Well, we’d just returned home late from town after a fantastic Saturday night out with DS before he returns to med school next week just for me to find the anti-boarding brigade on this thread have, err . . . gone to town!

Am I reading the wrong thread or what - or am I in another planet (?) . . . I keep seeing posters pestering the OP to not waste a second more but to fly out to get her DS back to NY in lightning speed because he is unhappy, he’s sad, he’s sobbing uncontrollably, he’s too far away and too young to board, etc.

But this is what the OP actually said:

”My son was excited and felt really pleased when the teacher who did his assessment said he was the best he had seen in his five years at the school.”

”He said he was enjoying it, but now very worried about upsetting the school.”

”. . . he has been showering washing his hair for along time at home.He makes his own bed and brings his clothes to the laundry etc."

”The school seemed so caring . . .”

”He has already begun to make friends.”

”He is not a robust rudy playing kind of boy but he has joined with a smile on his face.”

” . . . he has been chosen to sing in the choir.”

”He has his heart set on his senior school already and is willing to work very hard to get there.”

To be honest, OP, my son wasn’t even half of the above when he first started. It seems to me that your DS is really giving it a go and wanting to do his best, a sort of perfectionist, if you like. And for an 8-year-old to do that is pretty amazing. And just because of one trivial negative remark by an insensitive housemaster, your son being a perfectionist felt hurt and “now very worried about upsetting the school”.

It seems to me that his feelings are hurt certainly, but he’s not sad. The real sad people I see are all congregated here on this thread. Yes, he is young and from what I see there are many more just like him, both local and foreign. All the more I say, stay put and the school will eventually teach him to have a thicker skin, if you like. But if you don’t have confidence in his present school anymore, I’d put in a word for you to the Headmaster of my son’s old prep school if you like.

Because there's nothing an 8 year old needs more than "a thicker skin"........

To be fair Pete even you didn't send your kids off at 8 - you waited till they were older.

you might want to have a look at this

www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk/symptoms/

”Peteneras, I hear parents of children in boarding schools claim all too often that their children absolutely love school, and frankly I don't believe them. . . Interestingly, parents of day school pupils don't feel the need to make that claim, and I strongly suspect that it's because they see no need to defend their choices.”

Fair enough Veritat, you believe or don’t believe what you will. Likewise, you speak for yourself and I speak for myself. I am not in the payroll of anyone here and there is no need for me to justify my choice of school to anybody. Moreover, DS left boarding school almost 5 years ago and I still say those were some of the very best years of his life and ours too.

or this
www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

Come on BertrandRussell early development of 'a thick skin' increases his chances of being like peteneras when he is older.
Seriously peterneras an eight year old who wants to please will want to like the opportunities that his parents are excited about and please the teachers. That is more about growing into the sort of person the adults in his life want him to be, not about what is best for himself as a person.

That's not correct, Titchy. I didn't wait. Circumstances and fate dictated that DS had a chance to go boarding when he was 10 years old. If it had happened three years earlier when he was 7, then he would still go.