New. At boarding prep school

[Willsoonbesummer]

My 8 year old has just started full boarding at prep school.The feed back has been so negative so far from the school.He is not organised enough etc.Now we feel we have made a mistake and not sure what to do.Any advise from mums who have been through this type of school would be very much appreaciated.

We call him and he writes to us.He doesn't have any condition which would means he would need extra help.He is not a robust rudy playing kind of boy but he has joined with a smile on his face.

In answer to your earlier question Gruach it wasn't said I a nice way.Did your son go to boarding school at a later age?I feel like I want to take him home next week.At the same time worried that I am reacting too quickly it's just because he is there all the time and I need to know people are being kind to him.He wants to please us that's the type of boy he is,I don't want him to feel like h have failed already.

I think it might be worth giving the OP a break about her choice of schooling: it's a big decision, now made, and there are all sorts of factors behind it about which we we don't know.

My ds is in his second year at a boarding prep. He will do a pretest next year and one in y7. He and others in his situation needed to start in y4. He behaves the same as other children his age, and still can't do his tie particularly elegantly, and will still materialise for weekends or half terms at home having packed nothing.

Provided the dialogue between you and the matron or housemaster is good, and they have a good standard of pastoral care, this can all be resolved. All children in all schools go through ups and downs. When children at boarding schools go through rough patches the anti-boarding brigade is all to ready to leap in and blame the system, as if switching a child to a different school system was a trivial and inconsidered choice.

I went to boarding school myself kipper. I don't think the pastoral care is appropriate for this child based on what the OP says.

There are other schools which will be better but given that he needs some support a day school might be a better option. There are schools internationally that cater to students that end up in the UK system.

So OP where do you live? Also if I were sending my DC to boarding school I would be doing weekly boarding. Do you have family in the UK he could stay with?

We are in New York ,my husband is British.His parents live in London just over an hour away from the school.They are taking my son out to lunch tomorrow.They will stay for chapel in the evening as he has been chosen to sing in the choir.I wouldn't ask them to pick him up every Saturday but the idea was he would spend his long weekends with them,but I would try and be there as often as I can.

Not all the "best" boarding preps run weekly boarding.

But I assume the OP has a very caring guardian in place who sees to short leaves etc - which must happen at least every two and a half to three weeks.

As I've indicated above it's perfectly possible to proceed to the best known senior school(s) in the country without having boarded from eight - or indeed having boarded at all. Or even having attended an independent school. Although it is a lovely experience to work towards CE /Scholarship within a like-minded group.

Crossed you OP. It's good he has family close by.

so you are in new york? i thought perhaps you were in the depths of africa or the middle east of something

new york has schools. good schools. expensive private schools. it also has top universities.
there is absolutely no reason to send a little boy thousands of miles from home.

i am going to walk away now-i know my opinions aren't popular here but by god-this is just CRUEL. literally CRUEL.

You don't think they have good schools in "the depths of Africa" gymboywalton?

Many 8 yo ( and older) struggle with self organisation , even at day prep or state schools. The difference is that their parents can micromanage to minimise the impact. Ask the housemistress/master what they are doing to assist him learn these skills. Could he have another boy to shadow, an organiser on the wall with timetable and kit required. Extra prompts to strip bed and sort laundry? Does he ask for help when confused? Assume you have sorted basic hygiene routines, self care, basic skills like telling time, labelling of everything.

Yes as I said he has been showering washing his hair for along time at home.He makes his own bed and brings his clothes to the laundry etc.The house master didn't say he couldn't do these things.He said he needs to work on speed and was very curt.Lots of other parents,children and teachers were around as they were picking up for the long weekend.He make no positive comment about my son,I was looking forward to seeing him so much as it was his first exeat.

8 is very young to be a full boarder, especially when parents are overseas and there are no close relatives/friends to whom they can go at weekends.
It is absolutely not necessary to start at prep school at 8 in order to go on to UK public school - not even to schools like Eton, Harrow or Winchester. Clever children start at these schools every year at 13 from schools abroad.

If you do want to go down the UK prep route, ten is early enough. Eleven is better. You can introduce sports, music, foreign languages etc at home before they start.

Boarding preps are struggling to fill places, especially for younger children as most UK parents no longer choose boarding at this age unless they absolutely have to. Schools mislead parents - especially overseas parents- as to the desirability of starting at 8 because they want to fill their places, not because it is in the best interests of the child. You can always take him out and start him again in two years. You will have lost nothing.

That said, if he has only just started, you should know that many young boarders have a wobble after the first exeat. The first couple of weeks are new and exciting, but when they go back after the first weekend away, the penny drops and they realise that this is now it. When you are abroad, it is hard to tell how bad it really is. He may have sobbed down the phone to you, and then cheered up again immediately afterwards - leaving you distressed while he has just moved on. The boarding staff should be able to tell you.

I do not know your family circumstances, so cannot comment on the decision to start him at eight. But you may like to ask yourself why you have chosen a path that very few British families now choose. Those that do choose full boarding at this age often have very unusual circumstances - parent/sibling ill, children living with grandparents, parent posted to somewhere unsuitable for children, member of royal family etc - .and even then they usually choose a school near family and friends so the child can go "home" at weekends. Some overseas families take this route but usually only to allow a child to learn English. As you are in the US I assume this is not a problem.

Lots of marketing goes on at this age group.

Sorry just seen that grandparents are nearby.

There are lots british boys at his school about 15% from other countries.I don't know how the other parents feel,I asked for advise on MN because it is such a difficult situation,I wasn't expecting such negativity about my son so soon after he started there.Maybe we have chosen the wrong school,I feel I am sending a boy with lots to offer.Can anyone recommend a prep school their son(and they loved)I felt I had done my research but would love to hear first hand advise.

Bring your little boy home, sometimes boarding at a young age is necessary - children of Armed Forces parents or missionaries.
But to send him from New York to England is just bizarre. I genuinely don't understand what the point of having a child was if he will grow up in a foreign country from such a young age.

So when will you or your dh see him? I can't imagine a little one in boarding school when other children are probably going home for the weekends and they are staying there, I would imagine that would make any child very miserable yet alone one that is 8 years old.

As others have said you don't need him in full time boarding from 8 to get into a great school later on. You really don't. I'm sure he would do better at a more nurturing school whilst living at home with you for love and support on tap. Boarding schools can be good and the support can be good but the bottom line is no one loves your child like you do and at such a young age that is more important than anything else.

.

I went to a very prestigious independent girls school on a full scholarship and was extremely unhappy and left after a year. Others were very happy there but I was just miserable and felt stressed all the time. I went to a local school instead and got top grades all the same; I am convinced if I stayed at the other school I would have had a nervous breakdown. I was older than your son but I am so grateful my mum listened to me, and not to the school who kept downplaying how I was feeling.

Is a London day prep with him living at pils an option ?

It's not something I would have considered but would appreciate any advise now.I wish he was home with me now.He has his heart set on his senior school already and is willing to work very hard to get there.Maybe boarding school will never be for him.He has so many lovely qualities I would want to change.

8 years old - FFS! You have seriously twisted values.

I went to boarding school at 9, my sister at 4 and before anyone says that's not possible, yes it was, this was in 1980. It happened.

Any one who sends their kids away to boarding school at those ages has got issues of their own that makes them think this is ok. Try reading up on attachment in middle childhood, just a university text book should do it, then come back and say you still think it's ok. Most of those who thought it was a good choice probably still would stand by it though and make every justification for it.

Good luck for your future relationships with your kids, you'll need it but more importantly so will they.

Sorry sould have said wouldn't want to change,

First hand advice is to take a moment to think before rushing to find another boarding prep.

It's true that some eight year olds will, once settled in, love everything that boarding offers. They need not be coming from desperate domestic circumstances or fleeing "the depths of Africa" for it to be a success. But others may not cope - no matter how gentle and lovely the house parents may be. This is what you need to address first.

(We have had years of "needs to work on speed" - but the child was the same at his day school, is now at senior school and is very happy regardless. But I've never come across a "curt" housemaster. Are you certain nothing was lost in translation?)

I'm not the only person who's told you (and you can trust me on this) that boarding from eight is not necessary to get into the sort of senior school you are thinking of. Boarding is great if it suits the particular child but please remember that no prep can guarantee a pre-test pass. What they do best is prepare for CE/Schol once you have a conditional place. And children at state schools can take dedicated exams specifically geared to that curriculum.

Go back and talk to all the relevant staff. If he's otherwise content it can probably be overcome. But crying really does suggest that he is just not ready for this.

I think there are lots of circumstances where boarding school is necessary or appropriate.

But remember:

• when a kid (or any human actually) says they are happy, it isn't necessary true. It's especially hard to tell if it's true over the phone. Sometimes it takes parents months to see there's a problem in a child's life even when the child is living at home.

• even if a child says they want to go to boarding school, there will come a time in their life, even if it's 20-30 years later, and certainly when/if they have their own children, when they will say: "Why did my parents send me to boarding school? Was it a good enough reason?". Even if they are genuinely happy there, they will want to know WHY the parents sent them.

DH was weekly boarder from 7. He is fine with going to boarding school, despite a few iffy moments, because he knows that it was the best thing in his circumstances.

I wouldn't be over hasty to mak any decision on the basis of a few weeks. Many dc take a while to settle with a school move, let alone for boarding abroad. Maybe if you could spend longer over here initially it would be reassuring for you all. Half term is not far off and this term is short anyway.