New. At boarding prep school

[Willsoonbesummer]

My 8 year old has just started full boarding at prep school.The feed back has been so negative so far from the school.He is not organised enough etc.Now we feel we have made a mistake and not sure what to do.Any advise from mums who have been through this type of school would be very much appreaciated.

OP you are free to decide as you wish, but I have no doubt at all that the right thing to do is to go now and bring your son home, and send him to his previous school. I don't know him, but I would think that even if the current school seemed really supportive and your son was happy. They don't, and he is not. I have family members who boarded from a similar age, they do not advise it and they were able to go home at weekends.

Bottom line, your son is paying a heavy price for no gain. He can access education and all the advantages he needs at home. In fact, it sounds as if he is going through all this in order to be at a school with much lower academic standards. What a disaster. Forget whether or not it is right to have stringent education and career goals, because in this case he will be more successful with those at home anyway.

I wonder if your husband is very determined that your DS go through the English public school system. I would not stand for it.

I'd be interested to hear what your DH's views are on this matter. Presuming he went through the public school system here (prep and senior), I think he'd be surprised how much things have changed (particularly if he's living abroad and probably looking at it through rose-tinted glasses). The majority of boarding pupils these days live relatively close to their home towns(rather than having to travel hours across the country to their chosen school), most are weekly boarders and it is highly unusual to find someone in your DS's position.

It is not deemed necessary to go to boarding prep school to get into a good public school and giving your child a "thicker skin" or presuming it's character building, even if it's miserable for them, is not a necessary part of growing up. I am not anti-boarding but what I am anti about is keeping a small boy at a school he is miserable at when you live half way around the world and knowing that there are other options for him. How does an 8 year old know which school he'd like to go to at 13? You are right to trust your instinct.

An 8 year old doesn't know what he wants. He is not capable of making an informed decision because he simply doesn't have the life experience, neither does a 10 year old for that matter. If they're happy and excited it's because the significant adults are because that's just how kids operate. They get all their social cues from the adults around them and develop accordingly. Ultimately YOU the adult are doing what YOU want for them and they're falling into line.

Having had a child at boarding school since just before she turned 10, the thing that was critical for us was the relationship with the house mistress. She was just 8 when we started seriously considering it, but grew up a lot in the 18 months from her first audition to when she actually went (chorister, we were previously a definitely never consider boarding family). If we hadn't felt confident in the housemistress, both how she interacted with our daughter and also with us in terms of how we all communicated and understood each other, we definitely wouldn't have gone down that route. Another family whose child started with ours, but a year younger, had had the choice of 2 or 3 choirschools, all some distance from where they lived, and again, it was the housemistress and "feel" of the boarding house that made the difference.

Talk with your son's grandparents, and make sure you can develop an appropriate relationship with the school that both them AND YOU are happy with. Unless you can have confidence in the people looking after your son day to day, how they are caring for him and helping him with anything he's not quite good enough at yet, then you need to pull him out and rethink. Plenty of good advice above mixed in with the standard "why would you send your child away" nonsense.

By the way, our daughter will be, at her own choice (nay insistence) going to a boarding senior school next year despite having the option of an excellent local day school. Gives me confidence that boarding has been good for her.

will PM you

on the issue in front of you - the criticism of your son and the lack of response, I think you should treat these very seriously. if you are committed to him remaining in the school, then you need to organise a meeting with the school immediately and explain you are very unhappy with the lack of response and the criticism of your son in his presence. I would be unhappy with this in a day school so find it really unpleasant in a boarding school for very young children.

I live in the US, have kids in private schools in New England, many of their friends went onto prep/boarding schools for high school and I am still flabbergasted that an american woman was persuaded to send her 8 year old off to boarding school across the atlantic. Even for families whose children are always destined for boarding school at 14, this would be jaw-dropping in the US. I'm tempted to ask you what reaction do you get from family and friends because you'd be a 9-day wonder here.

I'm not anti boarding prep school at all (I work in one) but, in this case, I would be concerned to be honest.

It's not necessarily your child that would concern me, it's the school.

I am particularly worried about the following:

1. Your son phoned you sobbing uncontrollably. That in itself is not unusual. As we all know children get disproportionately upset over small things and both crumble and cheer up incredibly quickly. It's the fact that you don't know what happened next that worries me. Where I work there are no phones so far from adult ears that we wouldn't hear distressed crying. We never interrupt a child's phone call but we do scoop them up when they come off the phone, calm them down, go as far as we can to sort out the problem in that moment and then, most importantly, call the parents back to reassure them that the situation has been/will be dealt with and their child has gone to sleep calm/happy and not cried themselves to sleep.

2. The 'curt' housemaster. That's no good at all. Even if he was stressed and busy at the time. Full boarders and their parents need the utmost care and sensitive communication. Anything else is unacceptable.

3. The lack of response to your email. Our policy is that general parental emails must be responded to within 24 hours, even if it's just with a 'thank you for your email. I will look into this and get back to you with a full response as soon as I can.' But emails from parents of boarders must be responded to within 4 hours, no longer. It just isn't okay to keep a worried parent who can't get to their child, waiting.

If you genuinely feel that UK boarding is right for your son and your family, I would take him out of this school and back to New York for the rest of this academic year and sign him up to start at a new school in September at the start of Year 5.

Starting a new boarding school for the Summer term or even earlier will make it much harder for him to settle. The other children will be in established routines and not struggling with the things he will find hard when adjusting. Year 5 is a common and well established starting point in prep schools and there will be other new children for him to get to things with.

On a slightly different note, I'm surprised to see such low figures for young boarders that include flexis. In fact they're almost unbelievable:

Last available figures are for 2014 - page 29. (boarder defined as having boarded at some stage in the autumn term) Across the UK: 87 - 7 year old boy boarders. 377 - 8 year old boy boarders. This is not something that UK families do any more unless there are very special circumstances at home

We currently only have 1 full 7 year old boy boarder. Which seems to fit the statistics. But we have 3 7 year old girls and 1 7 year old boy who do three nights a week and 2 girls and 4 boys that do 1 night a week. Looking at the register there are a further 12 7 year olds who did one or two occasional 'babysitter' type nights last term. Do they count in the figures? because, if so, that's a total of 23 7 year olds out of a year group of 35 who 'boarded at some point in the Autumn Term'.

That's around an 8th of the total of the whole country (assuming similar stats for girls) - from one small rural prep school. That seems ... unlikely in the extreme!

The boarding schools survivors association is entirely self selecting those who've boarded happily are obviously not going to participate. At DS's prep loads of the fathers were old boys and had full boarded from an early age, they obviously hadn't had a horrendous experience otherwise they wouldn't have chosen to send their own children. The idea that is frequently peddled on here that boarders grow into dysfunction adults unable to form meaningful relationships is also disproven by these fathers as like in all walks of life some were charming, many ordinary, some unpleasant, some simple weird, some were obviously very happily married, a few were divorced, no different from parents I've met at all the other schools my DS's have attended, day or boarding state or independent. The most charming delightful happy couple that we know (and go on holiday with) both boraded from 7, they have produced typical teenagers (who board). I meet lots of boarders many have boarded from a young age again generally most are well adjusted. I do meet the odd screwed up one, but I also meet children who've never even set foot in an independent school let alone a boarding school who are equally screwed up.
So I come back to my previous advise OP I think you need to look at the individual school, are you blowing out of proportion an off hand remark perhaps said in that hectic moment of picking up a child at exeat or is the school really expecting too much? Perhaps they're not as caring as you thought, although I would hope in 2016 that all boarding preps have outstanding pastoral care now, realistically they'll have too to survive. Would your DS be better off at home for perhaps another couple of years and if he gets a place at a UK boarding school coming here for his last two years of prep, or even joining a UK boarding school in yr 6 when most interviews for top name school take place if you feel they'll prepare him better than a school in the US? Or maybe keep him at home till yr 8 and see if he can sit a different entrance exam if his school won't prepare him for CE.
As peternas has said there are many excellent caring preps in the UK, many will now have lots of young overseas boarders and know how to care for them properly, maybe it would be worth your while just talking to a few I can suggest a couple and see if you get a better feeling there and it will give you something to compare your current prep with.
Don't be too swayed by these very emotional comments on here, many are died in the wool anti boarders most importantly with no current experience of boarding in 2016, only anecdotal stories stuff my friends DH's is a sociopath or my neighbours best friends brother had been divorced twice and cannot form any meaningful relationship type of stuff and they boarded. The anti boarding brigade will also even when presented with categorical evidence that a child who's boarding is happy and well adjusted won't accept it.
This is a frequent topic on MN and every time I always get at least three PMs from parents who's children are boarding and even boarders themselves who say they don't recognise the picture portraid by the anti boarders. peternas (extends an olive branch) and I have locked horns in the past but on this subject we are both in agreement and we are talking from a position of actual understanding and knowledge unlike many on here.

Manicinsomniac

Those figures are from the 2015 ISI report signed off by Barnaby Lennon. I also posted the link to the full report.

So they may seem unlikely to you but you need to produce Evidence if you are going to question them.

I also thought they were low - especially as many of these will be choristers - But junior boarding is one of the fastest declining markets in this sector.

Here it is again

www.isc.co.uk/media/2661/isc_census_2015_final.pdf

Thanks. Can't find evidence, I don't imagine. I just find it really, really weird that the one, not large, school I work in could have 23 of the (presumably) 174ish 7 year olds who boarded for at least one night in the Autumn term.

I suppose those figures are only for ISC member schools which might make some difference - but I think about 75% or more on independent schools are in the ISC so not that much difference.

Only other thing I can think of is that by 'boarded at some point' they looked at boarding house documentation where children were registered as being, for example, Thursday night boarders and therefore didn't end up counting the children whose parents ring up and say, for example, 'my car's failed it's mot, can X board tonight?' or 'We're going to a wedding on Y date can Z board that night?' Those kind of requests are really common, right from very young. But they might not make their way into official documents.

Junior boarding is declining, partly because it's vicious circle most parents who want full boarding want lots of other full boarders but full boarding is becoming unpopular and very expensive and country prep schools struggle to fill their vacancies so they offer flexi/weekly boarding so only those a considerable distance away or have extensive work commitment etc will really need or want full boarding and then those that are in school all the weekend are in a minority and don't like it they complain to their parents and then there parent think this is wasn't I signed up for then move them or make alternative arrangements and then even fewer are in all weekend and these complain to their parents and their parent think this is not what I signed up for etc etc.
It is no coincidence that there are only four full boarding only boys school, i.e. no day/weekly/flexi boarders. This suits them because being in such a monirity means they are all oversubscribed, those interested are likely to fully support the idea of full boarding (let's be realistic it's not what most people are comfortable with) and they can select the pupils/parents who they feel best suit their ethos.

Also Happy Gardening, I do not think it is true to say that there are "lots of young overseas boarders" in UK prep schools - not if you are talking about 8 year olds. 377.
Even the handful of traditional all boarding boys preps are finding it hard to fill their junior boarding beds. Thats why many now welcome day, flexi and weeklies.
There is a small market for those who need to learn English, those with special home circumstances, a handful of expats etc - but most now start prep boarding at 10 or 11 if at all.

He is eight years old and you're not instantly pulling hm out of this place? Wtf is your priority here? Take your child home ffs.

What I was trying to say (rather unsuccessfully I agree) is that I suspect the majority of 8 years old who do full board in the UK will be from overseas.

Sometimes boarding at that age is the best option. I went to two nurseries, had two nannies, 4 primary schools (including one for just 4 weeks)
I would have been more settled boarding from primary. My home environment and school environment was constantly changing - at least with boarding I would have had consistency at school

It would be 745 8 year olds wouldn't it? Not 377. It was 377 boys

Yes I make it a total of 684 boarders aged 8 and under across the UK - of whom 377 were 8 year old boys. Got to wonder about the 9 six year olds.

hollingburst you're right it's so easy to have a knee jerk reaction to boarding (at what ever age) but few parents are callous and uncaring nearly all consider boarding with lots of concerns, they think very carefully about what they're doing and monitor their child's happiness and development very carefully. Many for what ever reason believe that boarding is the best option for their child.

Please take him out. He is 8 years old. Poor little boy. He must feel terrible.

You say "he was showering and washing his own hair and doing tie etc so he was prepared, but not quickly enough it seems"

My goodness OP where is your heart?

Get on a plane and take that poor child home. He needs you more than you know. Im sorry to say all this but this thread is upsetting to read, so god knows how that poor little boy feels. Please dont say you need to discuss it with your husband. Its a no brainer. Go and get him and bring him home where he belongs. He needs you to tuck him up in bed at night, to be there with hugs, fun and love. Please go and get him.

Drinking the other question is how many proper full boarding preps are there? We're not talking 100's here, so I suspect that the vast majority of these children are only spread through a handful of prep schools, who will be experts in caring for this age group.

This thread makes my heart ache, we all want the best for our children but he's 8. He needs his mum, please please go and get him.

My DD is 8, yes I want her to do well in school but she is only 8 and there a few years to go before I worry as about what she will become.

Your poor boy has shown he needs you, send him to school in the US, please.

You are in New York. As someone else pointed out. There must be some fantastic schools there. Are you heartbroken to be away from him for long periods. I would feel sick. The grandparents are an hour away. Your son needs to be at home with his mum and dad. What does your husband think?
Im shocked that any mother could do this. Its like abandonment and very cruel.

Criticising the OP is unhelpful.

He's EIGHT?

Take him out of boarding school- he's a very little boy and needs to be with his mummy.

I really think boarding schooling for under teens should be made illegal.