New. At boarding prep school

[Willsoonbesummer]

My 8 year old has just started full boarding at prep school.The feed back has been so negative so far from the school.He is not organised enough etc.Now we feel we have made a mistake and not sure what to do.Any advise from mums who have been through this type of school would be very much appreaciated.

Oh I have . I went to a "good" boarding school for nearly four years.

If there is on thing i regret from my days as a boarder, it is that I considered everyone in the junior house (age four to ten/eleven) as brats and just avoided them. I do know better now. However kind people are, though what you describe doesn't sound very kind.

Other posters have said what i feel, i originally wasn't going to post but found myself thinking about this thread so have come back to say 'what can possibly be missing from schools closer to you'? I see others have mentioned Phillips Exeter. What if something happened, if he, or you, were taken ill?

I'm so glad that the days when we needed to prepared leaders for the outposts of the empire are well and truly over. Hope you find what works for you and your family.

Public schools (let alone elite public schools) are so beyond the realm of my experience I barely feel qualified to comment, however, my overriding thought is what a massive price to pay, both for you and your son. Boarding at eight thousands of miles away from his parents? Quite aside from all the privileges afforded by a top public school education, what of the disadvantages? This all comes at a huge emotional cost. There are plenty of adults who will tell you that boarding at such a young age leaves lifelong scars. Yes, I believe it is cruel. But then I come from a different world to you and perhaps this is simply the norm for some families? I find it unite sad.

*quite sad.

Just watching my 8 year old playing with his Lego mini figures. I couldn't imagine sending him to another country alone for weeks at a time, I'm sorry.
You're in New York...there are so many amazing, top notch schools. Bring your DS home.

Willsoonbesummer I agree with Indrid in that the housemaster choosing to make such negative comment particularly at his first exeat pick up is rather offputting. Please remember that it is what the school can do for your DS as member of its boarding community not about your DS getting a good report or approval from 'fitting in well' as a boarder. There is no aptitude score for boarding which counts for anything at that age. If the boarding staff and environment is not going to give anything extra to your DS that you can't provide at home at this stage then not much point continuing. Only you can judge that. I've know some young boys who hated boarding even at 10 but still chose and are very happy boarding at senior school.

I went to a boarding prep school as a day pupil from the age of 8-11. It was a vile place. Beautiful, beautiful grounds, accomplished children, amazing facilities and opportunities. Underneath it all a true culture of bullying which ran from the Head right down to the pupils.
I visited two schools with my parents. They asked me which one I wanted to go to and I opted for the slightly less 'impressive' school where I'd felt so welcomed and relaxed on the open day. My parents sent me to the other school because they were charmed by the setting and dazzled by the facilities. They didn't pick up on the sinister undercurrent the way I did from the open day alone.

Yes, we all came out ok (some more ok than others), but the fact the main alumni Facebook page is called 'X School Survivors ' speaks volumes. Pupils who were busy bullying each other in the 80s bond over shared war stories today.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this except to say that none of our parents had any idea. Some of us told them at first and it was minimised, others didn't tell them at all. Listen carefully to your son.

OP You know there is a British school in Manhattan? Also for what you are paying I think the private schools in Manhattan are better than what most private schools in the UK offer. Everyone likes to tell horror stories of getting into private schools but we managed to get DD into two 'highly competitive' Manhattan private schools for Kindergarten before deciding to stay local and use public schools. My family think we are nuts to turn down both places but honestly I didn't think it was a good investment.

My son was at a private school in Manhattan until the holidays.His teachers very sad to see him go and the headteacher did say ,please call if for any reason it doesn't work out,but felt the school were lucky to be getting him.I guess boarding school is completely different.The school had very high standards and in many ways he is ahead of the students at his new school.

I have a nearly 8yo and I feel sick at the idea of sending her to board. Read the tiniest amount about the psychology of attachment and it will tell you why it is an unconditionally terrible idea at such an early age. And all to get him into a top public school, which he could do any number of other ways?! And not only that, but the school are unsupportive to boot?!! It sounds totally horrific. Listen to your gut, op. It is telling you the right thing: bring him home. Nothing is worth this. Seriously, go and get him and hug him tight and find him a school where he can come home to loving parents every night.

Enough of this.

I agree with zoemaguire

Go and get your son. Bring him home. He needs you.

I think I'd be getting him home and returning to a school he sounded very happy at! I have a nearly 8 yr old ds and wouldn't ever consider boarding , I've looked after children in my home from abroad from 7 years old who desperately needed a healthy stable home life and even though they didn't have a good family life at home it was difficult for them so how a very loved little boy is finding it I can't imagine :-(

I would be calling his previous school back and seeing when he can return. The only prep school in the UK I would consider sending my 8 year old to is Packwood Hough and one of us would be flying back every weekend as at that age it would be weekly boarding.

In all seriousness even Packwood, as excellent as it is, doesn't have much of anything extra that the schools here in the NYC area have to offer. I would be calling the head of his previous school on Monday and seeing when he can return.

My 8 year old had an accident at school last term and had to go to the hospital (he is fine now) I was out of work and he was in my arms in less than an hour. How long would it take you, OP?

Is your concern that he is unhappy, or that he isn't doing well/ the school isn't right?

Jesus Christ, an 8 year old boarding! And the poor little thing is not happy! Why om earth are you asking? Go and get your son!
Honestly some people make me fucking wonder.

Peteneras, I hear parents of children in boarding schools claim all too often that their children absolutely love school, and frankly I don't believe them. None of my schoolmates at boarding school claimed that, even the ultra popular and successful ones. My DH and brothers all say the same of their respective boarding schools. Interestingly, parents of day school pupils don't feel the need to make that claim, and I strongly suspect that it's because they see no need to defend their choices.

And I must say, if my children couldn't wait to get back to boarding school after the holidays I'd be incredibly sad that they preferred not to be at the home I make for them.

OP I'm a bit out of touch with some of the boarding preps re my own dc but have helped my godson's parents reasonably recently.

Feel free to PM me.

It depends on child, circs and schools. I went to a wonderful prep, and although I was homesick actually it was the best of the 7 schools I went to. I think my sister would say the same. It still is wonderful by all accounts...though may have gone through a dodgy patch.. Our secondary was dreadful. V famous name, crap and horrible school.

My DH hated his prep school but his parents thought he was incredibly happy there. He wasn't. He was brilliant but slow, dyspraxic and bullied.

We decided not to send Ds to boarding prep, decided that if he boarded at all 8 would be too young. He got into but decided not to attend one of the famous names later, because he didn't want to board.

Those were our decisions. Nit saying they would be right for others. Trying to give the egs to say don't take everything at face value but do trust your gut instinct and your child's happiness is the most important thing. If he's unhappy he won't have the resilient underpinning for adult life. And there's more to life than the UK schools.

Pastoral care has improved even since your DH's day, but be aware there is a condition called boarding school survivors syndrome with some reasonably respectable research around it. I would hope that the improvements mean that the effect is lessening for those in future who could who suffer it.

OP you really really don't need to have your son in a boarding prep either to get in to a particular school, or for him to do well later on.

People normally send their children to boarding school for social rather than academic reasons. However great the "destination" school might be (Eton?) it will have its own drawbacks, and there is nothing to say that it might not be as stultifying as it could be enlivening (academically and intellectually, at least). Social opportunities do not always translate into academic ones. Why is it that you want him to attend these particular schools? It sounds from your post that he is unusually clever. If that's the case, he doesn't need to be in these schools for academic reasons (and it might indeed be better for him to be elsewhere).

I work with "elite" university students, and the kids who come out of the big English public schools are not any more competitive than the naturally bright in any school when we are looking at who to admit. The intellectual advantages are actually pretty minimal (beyond a certain point - obviously Eton is clearly better than a poorly-performing comprehensive; but in intellectual terms the good grammars, better comps and minor day independents are often better at nurturing natural intellect than the big public schools). Those schools will get a not-too-bright wealthy kid to punch above their natural weight in life (indeed one could say that that's the real business they're in); but they don't always serve the really academically gifted particularly well, or at least not noticeably better than at a decent day school. There's a lot of convergence at the top of their teaching and it can be somewhat old-fashioned. It's really a certain sort of social training that they do; and if you're in the US you may not even want that anyway.

The key is really: do you see your son at a big English public school? But then what after? University at Oxbridge or an Ivy? Postgraduate studies, or being an investment banker? None of these things need a kid to be sent to boarding school at 8 (apart from maybe being an investment banker ;))

Thank you for your message,which prep boys school do you recommend?My son is a lovely little boy and we thought we were making the right decision but I did always know it would be hard for me.My son was excited and felt really pleased when the teacher who did his assessment said he was the best he had seen in his five years at the school.I never thought the care he would receive be like this.Today I emailed his house master at 1pm UK time asking if my son had a good and still haven't had a reply.Maybe I'm not used to the British system but I find this very cold.Is your godsons enjoying his school?

I'll pm you.

The best one is the one he was at and happy before, he's 8 and he needs his mummy! I really don't understand why you are sending him half the way around the world when he could be coming back to his own bed every night :-(

Y don't you want him to go to school in new York?

Much better to be in Manhattan at a high achieving school if you want to be an investment banker! You'll have lots of people in common later on!

y y uriah, definitely! In fact I can't see any drawback from being at a top Manhattan prep compared to the UK system. If you want to get into an Ivy, or Oxbridge, far better all round!